401(k) Rollover

After leaving the Shitshow, one of the first things that I tried to do was rollover my 401(k) account from the crumby one the Shitshow FORCES all employees to use in order to get the company match which is only paid in Shitshow stock (see the Proud Shareholder post). So in my retirement account, I have the choice of crappy managed funds with sky high fees or Shitshow stock. Boy I guess I dont need to worry with a nest egg like that! I am sure the Shitshow is getting kickbacks from the 401(k) management to charge these high fees as long as the Shitshow forces all of its employees to use their services. Anyways, I digress......so I tried to rollover my account and of course they make it nearly impossible to read the website and find the forms necessary to withdraw money but they post the forms to rollover money TO their service on the front page. Go figure. So I call the Shitshow help line and I literally spent 30 minutes being routed around an automated phone system with no option of speaking to a live operator. It was so ridiculous because they made me keep saying out loud for the automated system my last 4 digits of social security number, my address, etc and after I finished reciting this nonsense, the automated system would tell me that it didnt understand what I said and to "please repeat it". After repeating my address, name, etc 25 times, I finally got frustrated and hung up. What great customer service the Shitshow has for its employees who trust the fate of their retirement with them. I can only imagine the type of investment advice these flunkies would give.

Because I cannot even speak to a human being to get my hard earned retirement money from the greedy claws of the Shitshow, I throw rocks.

Shitshow Requirements

During one of my many pointless days at the Shitshow, my moron manager, King Kong, had me working on a government project "mapping requirements". For those of you who dont know what this means, its Shitshow terminology for pissing tax payer's dollars down the toilet. Basically, it involves flowing down requirements from System Requirement Specifications to lower level subsystem specifications and providing a justification of how the Shitshow meets these requirements. Some of the requirements actually make sense but a vast majority of them are written by Bob figures and are just incoherent rambling nonsense. So one day I was trying to document justifications for fulfilling requirements and stumbled across one that blew my mind. The requirement stated "Only the best and brightest shall work on this project"......are you kidding me? Only at the Shitshow would you ever see something this retarded. How the hell do I show that we meet this requirement? Especially since we have Bob figures everywhere, King Kong throwing chairs, The Zookeeper running the department into the ground. I mean, give me a break, we have nothing but a crew of flunkies working at the Shitshow. Nonetheless, I lied and made up some rambling nonsense about "flunktional management selecting only the top notch engineers best suited for the project"......I know what youre thinking......what a value added excercise this is.

Becuase the Shitshow is filled with flunkies who screw everything up and they get credit for being the best and the brightest, I throw rocks.

Throwing Black Berry Rocks

I’m in the process of requesting a shitshow provided black berry.  With any luck I’ll have I will have it by mid-August.

Throwing Rock followers maybe asking themselves “why would Jacko want to be that much more connected to the shitshow?”  The answer is simple; it will drive up cost as well as let me check email from home in the morning to see if the morning meeting was canceled so I can sleep in longer.  Additionally it will allow me to play BrickBreaker and surf the web during meetings.

In fact I told one of my leads to send a note to my flunktional director to approve my black berry.  When he asked me if I was sure I wanted one, I told him yes because it would drive up cost.  Minutes later an email urging my flunktional director to approve the request was sent.  Today I saw that the request was approved by the flunktional director!

Because I can justify a black berry request as a way to add cost and it gets approved, I throw rocks.

Shitshow InSecurity

One of the funniest things about the Shitshow is its security guards (rent-a-cops). Most defense contractors get their security from government approved agencies, such as Pinkerton, to prevent just anyone from walking onto the premises. You may have heard of Pinkerton from the old Western movies, like "3:10 to Yuma". In the old days, they were a force to be reckoned with; a militia of gunslinging cowboys that the US government could count on to protect its interests. Today, this very same security force is comprised of incompetent high school dropouts and grandmothers. Yup, grandmothers. (At minimum wage, I guess you get what you pay for.)

The main purpose of security at the Shitshow is to make sure that anybody walking onto the premises has a badge. This is really their only job and they can’t even do that. You can often walk right past them because…they’re incompetent high school dropouts and grandmothers! It’s hard to notice somebody walking through the main gate when you’re talking to your buddy with your back turned, reading a book, talking on the phone, or even sleeping.

So they need a little nudge sometimes. “Excuse me, would you like to see my badge?” They always jump out of their seat with that one. They not only look at your badge, but come over and touch it to make sure it’s real. Because as the guy who could have snuck past security but chose not to, you’re most likely the biggest security threat and need to be closely inspected! If you ever do walk right past them and they miraculously catch you, they get very mad and sometimes threaten to report you. Of course, nobody takes them seriously because they’d only be reporting themselves for failing to do their job.

Because Hollywood nightclubs have better security than the Shitshow, I throw rocks.

Baby Kong in the Making

Yesterday at the shitshow I was blown away by a true shitshow moment.  One of the flunkies in my group was apparently upset because people on his program were pressuring him to do the work he was supposed to do.    For any average worker the workload wouldn’t be that bad, but this guy is a complete flunky.  He’s not a Bob figure because he actually cares and tries, he’s just incompetent and slow.   I’m guessing he’ll be a flunktional manager in no time (see “An Abundance of Dunces” and “Fail Your Way to the Top”).

Anyways this guys comes into the office area really upset and walks directly to my cubical.  He takes a step into my cubical and starts yelling over and over again “hey Jacko, did you finish that task yet.”   It get’s better, as he’s yelling this phrase he’s kicking my trash can.

I believe I witnessed the birth of a baby King Kong!  It was a beautiful site.  Eventually the local flunktional manager comes out his office 10 feet away from all the yelling and defuses the situation.  

I should have thrown a rock and called HR, but in the end I figured it more entertaining to have a baby King Kong running around.  Of course, flunktional management did nothing to follow up on the situation.

Because baby King Kongs are born in front of me without any repercussion from flunktional management I throw rocks.

Throwing Rocks by Working

At the end of each year, we finally get to take the holidays we missed during the rest of the year (President’s day, Martin Luther King day , and so on).  The shitshow does us a favor by saving our holidays for us and bunching them up around Christmas and New Years for us.

The truth is, for everyone that leaves the company before then end of the year, they get screwed.  Oh well, it helps save money so I’m sure all employees are on board with this strategy.

The funny thing is, there is usually a couple of works days in the week before the holidays start.  If Christmas in on a Thursday, we might get the 24th off but Monday and Tuesday are work days.  Most people end up taking those days off anyways, so the people who stick around usually have lite work loads or can’t get anything done because Bob decided to extend his Winter break.   Now we have people charging for 2 days of work but barely working.

So what does the shitshow do?  Give us additional time off?  Nope, the shitshow ask us to use our personal vacation time during these 2 or 3 days.  Emails come from executives and flunktional managers begging us to take the time off to help reduce cost by not charging programs that are already running “tight.” It's actually pretty funny.

Well boys and girls we have the perfect opportunity to throw rocks here.  I choose to work those days and charge overtime if I can justify it.  Parking is great during those couple of days, I can actually get keep up with emails those days, and it’s a great time to do last minute Christmas shopping on the web!  

Because I’m asked to take time off on certain days of the year and because I loose holiday pay if I leave before the end of the year, I throw rocks.

Explanation of Benefits

So today I come home from my new non-Shitshow job where I actually do real work and I had a package that the post office has had at its office for weeks and they keep sending me post cards to come pick it up.....so today I went to get it. When I went to the post office, they made me sign for it and it was literally 6 inches of paper in 3 envelopes. As I wondered what in the world this could be, I noticed the Shitshow logo on it. So I open it up and it is literally volumes of documentation about my health care package, dental package, etc. Pages and pages of legal crap and the title was "Explanation of Benefits"....so I glanced at it and thumbed through a few of the pages and basically all it was trying to say was that since I had left the company that my healthcare would be expiring soon and the Shitshow wasnt obligated to provide me healthcare anymore........"Explanation of Benefits"

Becuase the Shitshow fills my mailbox with 6 inch thick tomes of worthless paper that say "Explantion of Benefits", I throw rocks.

John Smithed

 "John Smithed" is another term we had come up with to help describe the operations at the shitshow.  It's the newest term in the Shitshow lexicon.  Let me tell you the origin of John Smithed.

Just last Friday a little issue came up.  It’s going to require a lot of work and expertise to address, however manpower is currently low do to other activities.  So what does flunktional management do?  They assigned John Smith to lead the issue.

When John Smith was first assigned to the issue I had no idea who he was.  Since John Smith came from the same department I work in the program management lead asked me if I knew John Smith.  I replied no.  At that time I warned them about flunktional management’s tendency to place any warm body on an issue just to satisfy the staffing requirement requested from the program (see Warm Body Syndrome).

Long and behold I was right.  Turns out John Smith was a new hire right out of college, with no relevant experience (technical or leadership) that could help with the issue despite flunktional management claiming he was very knowledgeable in certain aspects of the system where the issue was.  In fact before the kickoff meeting, John Smith asked me why he was even there since he didn’t know anything about the system or what was going on.

Luckily the program quickly figured out John Smith didn’t know anything and removed him from the effort before he even started.   While John Smith is a Bob figure, this event was not a fault of his own; it is just another prime example of warm body syndrome.

From this event the term "John Smithed" was born.

John Smithed - Being offered a job or opportunity then getting it pulled from you before you even start.  It’s kind of similar to someone PK’d you (see PK’d), but to a whole new level.

Because the term "John Smithed" was invented, I throw rocks.

The Idiot's School of Economics

Aerospace is known to be a cyclical industry since the work is all dependant on defense contracts. When new contracts are awarded, there is a ramp up in the workforce. When old programs are expiring or cancelled, the workforce is decreased. To compensate for this cyclicality, the industry has created a need for work-for-hire engineers known as “contractors” (as opposed to direct employees). Contractors are engineers hired on a temporary basis to dampen this cyclical effect. They don’t get any benefits or job security but they are paid handsomely for their ability to hit the ground running and get things done.

Unfortunately, hiring contractors has also become a favorite method of management to save their own ass. They have added a whole new cyclicality to the industry: cyclicality within a program. On a 10-yr program, you can expect to see contractors hired and fired every 2 years or so. It’s the result of poor planning and poor management. Management is always surprised when direct employees don’t kill themselves trying to meet an impossible schedule. So when a program falls behind schedule, management calls in the experts (contractors). Now I have seen my share of contractors. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that they are more skilled than a direct employee with the same experience. But I will admit, on average, they hit the ground running and get things done faster than most directs. Why?

MONEY!!!!!!! Lots and lots of money!!!! On an hourly basis, contractors make about twice as much as a direct AND they get paid overtime. There are also tax benefits. When you take all that into account, contractors make about 3X as much as direct engineer. What a concept! Apparently, money motivates people! But somehow there is never any money for giving out good raises to direct employees. Instead of giving a direct another 10% as encouragement to meet schedule, they’d rather just hire someone else to do it for another 200%. And as long as they keep a policy of not rewarding directs, I’ll keep telling them to get a contractor to do it.

Because the Shitshow still has the audacity to ask us to work weekends, I throw rocks.

Shitshow Accounting

It's been weeks since my departure from the Shitshow and just when I think I have cut all my ties with that blackhole, I get a letter in the mail with "Payroll Accounting" on the front of the letter. So I open the letter wondering what this could possibly be. Sure enough it is a check in the amount of $0.39. Yes, that is correct and is not a typo. 39 cents.......One would have to wonder why the Shitshow would send out a check in the amount less than the price of a postage stamp, but then again, we are talking about the Shitshow here. Some Bob figure in accounting probably noticed that employee 12345678 had an outstanding balance and hit some button to let the Shitshow automated payroll system mail out a check.

Another interesting thing is that the check makes no mention of what the 39 cents is even for. It doesn’t mention unpaid vacation time or unpaid wages or anything of the sort. It is simply a check in the amount of 39 freakin cents. If I had to guess, I would say this check is the result of some kind of negligence or incompetence on King Kong's part. Well I guess the good news is that with a check like this, I dont need to ever worry about a down payment on a house.

Actually the more I think about it, this check will never be deposited.....oh no, it will be kept as a reminder of the Shitshow. So if I ever get hit on the head and want to get a job there again, I will have this check to remind me what a joke that place is.

Because the Shitshow fills my mailbox with checks I would be embarassed to take to a bank teller, I throw rocks.

Summer Fun

Every summer various departments at the shitshow throw barbecues.  At these barbecues the departments pay for food and beverages as a mid-year “thank you and keep up the great work.”  People can play games like softball and basket ball, or just sit and chat.  Seems like a great idea doesn’t it?   Not when you combine socially awkward people and Bob like figures.  

My department’s picnic was earlier this week.  It brought back some good memories from picnics in the past.  

At one picnic some Bob figure thought it would be a great idea to bring some boomerangs to the picnic.  This Bob figure then thought it would be a great idea to try to throw the boomerangs by the people playing catch.  This same Bob figure was then surprised when he threw the boomerang and it circled back only to hit on of the guys playing catch.

This year the flunktional managers had the bright idea of making people bring their own lunches to the picnic while the flunktional managers all pitched in and bought some generic sodas for everyone!  What a treat!  When new hires found out about this year's brown bag policy they decided to organize a pot luck however they used the wiki for all communication and planning (see Wiki, Wiki, wiki).  Since no one over the age of 35 knows how to even log onto the wiki the picnic comprised a bunch of young people cooking out food they organized while all the “old timers” ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches wondering how and when everyone else organized the potluck.

When the department does spring for the food, it’s usually some family members catering service which serves food that McDonald’s would be embarrassed to call food.

While the above stories are entertaining, the funniest thing of all is the segregation during the “bonding,” which after all is the main purpose for these picnics.   When the food is being served it’s like high school clicks all over again.  All the flunktional managers sit at one table, all the younger people sit at another table, and all the “old timers” sit at another table.  

Because the only thing I walk away with from a shitshow picnic is indigestion and a sun burn, I throw rocks.

The Truth About Performance Reviews

Because having a year end performance review (see Year End Performance Review), followed by an early year goal setting meeting (these are some of the goals you get graded on at the end of the year), we also have mid year reviews.

In theory this seems like a good idea.  Here’s the shitshow spin:
Set some goals and objectives which will align your work with the overall company’s goals helping achieve financial performance and stockholder happiness.  Get feedback half way through the cycle which would give underperformers a chance to correct by end of the year and let good performers know their work is appreciated and they should stay the course.  At the end of the review get graded on your goals and objectives which your raise will be based on and which will also act as a spring board for next years expectations.  But with all things at the shitshow, theory and the true reason are never aligned.

The reality of all of these things is for flunktional managers to legally cover their asses.  In fact that is the only reason for year end reviews.

The reason for goal setting:
When Queen Perfume gets graded at the end of the year, and if she got honest feedback on her performance (which she probably won’t because she get’s to select the people who will evaluate her so she’d never pick someone she suspected as a rock thrower), she could complain that the goal and objectives were unrealistic and she didn’t have any input on setting them.  Well by holding a meeting to set her goal and objectives with her, she can’t pull that card.  Problem solved.


The reason for mid-year reviews:
If Bob gets low grades during his year end review and he ends up getting a 2.1% raise as opposed to a 2.2% raise Bob could get mad and decide to throw a rock by suing the company.  Bob could claim his goals were set early in the year and he never received feedback on how he was doing and since he didn’t hear anything he figured he was meeting or exceeding expectations.  Well by holding a mid-year review Bob know has the feedback he needs, problem solved.

The reason for year end reviews:
To keep a paper trail for when the shitshow has to reduce their workforce they can justify who they layoff (despite the fact is has more to due with the fact if someone currently has a charge number or not).   You may say, even if it is for legal reasons, it’s also a factor into your raise.   Mostly wrong, while it is a factor to your raise it’s the equivalent to pissing in the ocean to make a difference.   The true factor to your raise is how underpaid you were the previous year, the bigger the raise the more you were getting screwed the last year.  Flunktional managements’ goal is to get all their minions as close to the salary mean as possible.

Because goal setting, mid-year reviews, and year-end reviews are just to cover flunktional manager’s asses I throw rocks.

Communication Breakdown

There was a recent incident that is a great example of how idiotic the Matrix Management model is. Jim was a talented young engineer, highly regarded by his IPT team. While things were going well, he desired something better. For years he’d been telling his functional manager that he wants to take on a leadership role. He even went to back to school to get a degree in Engineering Management to prove that he had what it takes. As the years passed and his career aspirations were ignored, his subtle requests for a leadership position gradually became demands. He began openly telling his functional manager that if he doesn’t get some career development, he will have no other choice but to quit. More years passed and his career goals continued to be ignored.

Then one day, Jim came in to tell his functional manager what had been a long time coming: he found a new job. His functional manager told him “Okay, thanks for letting me know.” He followed up with several questions about the new job and wished him luck. No counteroffer, no thanks for all the hard work. Later that day when Jim told his IPT leadership, he got a somewhat different reaction. “What? Why?..Is there anything we can do to get you to stay? Let me talk to you functional manager.” They were, for lack of a better word, utterly-shocked that he was leaving.

Now think about how ridiculous that is. At the very heart of the Matrix Management model is the assumption that IPT Leadership and Functional Management communicate with each other. For years, the Functional Manager knew Jim was unhappy and might leave. The IPT Leadership on the other hand had no idea because the Functional Manager never told them. Thus, the IPT Leadership assumes Jim is happy, only to be caught completely by surprise when he quits, scrambling to fill the void left behind by his departure. But the situation was totally predictable, if the Functional Manager spoke to IPT leadership in the first place.

The best part of this story is the complete lack of accountability of the functional manager. You see, later that week, Jim overheard his Flunktional talking to the IPT Leadership a few doors down. While the IPT Leadership was still in shock about Jim leaving, his Flunktional was heard saying to them: “Well, I guess we should have seen this coming after he got that Engineering Management degree. We should stop that educational reimbursement policy. We’re losing too many people.” --- Yeah, that’s the problem. He really hit the nail on the head.

Because nobody recognizes the inaction of Functional Management or questions the logic of the Matrix Management model itself, I throw rocks.

The Perks of the Job

I love reading about how great it is working in other industries, like the software or entertainment industry. You hear about companies like Google who have free catered lunches, laundry on site, bring your pets to work, etc. Even big corporations like Disney offer employees things like Lakers box seats, bonuses, or even a company car.

If you ever look at working at the Shitshow, you will see the job has no perks (unless you count getting 10% off tickets to the zoo). The only perk you get at the Shitshow is your salary. And even then, the Shitshow tries to take as much of this salary back as they can. They do it by overcharging you for everything: greasy cafeteria food, vending machines, employee store, or making you purchase your own vacation.

To be fair, it has to be this way. Because for all intents and purposes, the aerospace industry is just another quasi-government agency constantly looking for a handout from Uncle Sam. The Shitshow could never offer great perks to the employees . If it did, there'd be a front page story in the LA times about where your tax dollars are going to waste. And that would lead to a cut in funding, perhaps cancellation of the entire program. So it's really like working for the government, except you don't get all the federal holidays.

But as Marlon Brando once said, this is the business we've chosen. And because I made a losuy choice, I throw rocks.

New Domain Name

Because we make so much money by working at the Shitshow, we decided to pony up and get a domain name! Now you can get to this site more easily by simply typing in the address:

www.throwing-rocks.com

Same great site, same courageous stories!

Meetings Gone Bad

One of the favorite pastimes at the Shitshow is the Meeting. For some reason or another people at the Shitshow have a fever and the only prescription is more meetings. In the dark ages when I used to work at the Shitshow, I would sit in at least 3 to 8 hours of meetings per day. Yes, that is correct- sometimes I would have 8 hours of meetings per day! Think about how screwed up that is! That means my entire workday (100%) is consumed by meetings. One may ask why do we need all these meetings? That is a very good question. I have wondered that myself. Flunktional management loves the following pitiful excuses to conduct a meeting:

-Daily TagUp Meetings aka "We need to babysit everyone"
-"go forward" plan meetings aka "We dont know WTF we're doing"
-Configuration Control Board meetings aka "We let process get out of control"
-Quality Review Board meetings aka "We need to give the appearance of making quality products"
-Failure Review Board Meetings aka "when shit doesnt work, we need to do something"
-All Hands Meetings aka "Flunktional Management needs something to do"
- Corrective Action Board Meetings aka "The Shitshow is a mess and we dont know what to do so lets pretend to fix it"
- Lean Engineering Meetings aka "It just sounds cool so lets meet to say we did"

These are just a small segment of the millions of meeting topics that the Shitshow thinks are important enough to justify a meeting. One of my favorites all time is when we had a meeting to discuss how to have meetings. For example, we need to create an agenda for the meeting, create attendance lists, make sure relevant stakeholders are there, etc.

Because the Shitshow wastes everyones time in worthless meetings, I throw rocks.

Easy as if you never worked here

As mentioned in one of the previous posts (The Perks of Knowing an Engineer), the careers website is pretty much useless in referring someone else for a position in your company. But how good is it at finding yourself a job?

After all, the corporate line at the Shitshow is that it is better to retain an employee than to lose an employee. You'll know this to be true if you ever tell them you're leaving, because they're never happy about it. The company doesn't want you to leave after they put all that time and money into developing you into an asset. So they came up with some creative measures to keep you around.

The first line of defense are the flunktional managers. They're supposed to help you reach your career goals by working with you to develop a career plan. As we all know, flunktional managers don't do this because your career goals and their career goals are in opposition. You want to expand your skill-set by changing positions; they want to keep you in the same position forever so they don't have to find someone new to replace you.

The second line of defense to retain employees is the trusty Careers website. It has all of the open job positions in the company, and you, as a current employee, have the inside track. Right? Wrong.

1. There aren't really any special job postings for internal employees. While you have to log in to get on it, this internal website is exactly the same as the external one.
2. A hiring manager is better off hiring someone from outside the company so he is not accused of "cherrypicking" from another manager's team. Who wants to create a rift between managers, or even entire departments?
3. Financial rewards are given to employees when candidates are hired on their referral, but only when candidates come from outside the company. So by hiring an internal rec, you just gave up 1,000 bucks that could have gone to your buddy co-worker.
4. If you're trying to change careers into a different field, then why would some hiring manager, that doesn't even know you, hire you? He'd rather hire someone with experience. He doesn't give a damn about some corporate goal. He just cares about his own team.

So I tested it out. First, I applied for those prestigious career-changer job postings: Business Development, Finance, Marketing, etc. Next, I applied for a bunch of engineering jobs that I was adequately qualified for. Then, I applied for several engineering positions that I was over-qualified for. Finally, I applied for a janitor job posting I ran across in the Facilities category. In total, I must have applied for about 20 internal job applications. Can you guess how many job offers I got? Or how many interviews I got? Or how many call-backs I got? Or even an lousy email telling me that someone even looked at my resume? Zero! Exactly zero.

Because I can't even get offered a janitor position at the Shitshow, I throw rocks.

Queen Perfume – II

So Queen Perfume changed her scent!  It’s no longer a grab you buy the nose and stick a sharp object in it, it’s more like knock you in the nose with a blunt object.  It truly reminds me of concentrated potpourri gone bad.    

I first noticed the scent when I walked into an elevator Queen Perfume had ridden in before me. At first I was unsure of what the scent was until I followed it to Queen Perfume’s office.  Sure enough, she was sitting in her office talking on the phone to a family member missing a meeting she should be in.

Because the scent has changed but the flunk is still there, I throw rocks.

Mandatory Training - IV

Finally, one of my thrown rocks get’s a response!  Unfortunately it pretty much just bounced back towards me.  I got a nasty-gram from a bean counter.  His sole job appears to be to check who is charging what on overhead then tell them not to or to make sure the charges are approved.  This is about the 3rd or 4th email I’ve received from this person.

I got the nasty-gram because when I charged for the mandatory training (see: Mandatory Training, Mandatory Training – II, Mandatory Training – III) I charged that time as overtime.  I guess I forgot that I threw such a big rock.  Overhead is one thing, but overhead on overtime is a double whammy as far as fluktional managers are concerned.

You might be wondering why I charger overtime, the short story is I was doing Queen Perfume’s job, on top of my own job, and had already completed my work hours for the work period when I was finally able to make time to do the mandatory training.

Because someone's sole job is to check overhead charging, I throw rocks.

The Decaying Workforce

During the cold war, aerospace was a rapidly growing industry. There was alot of innovation and many different companies competing for talent: Douglas, Hughes, Rockwell, TRW, North American, etc. In addition, many of these companies were based in sunny California. It wasn't the worst industry to work for. In fact, as late as 1990 there were 1.1 million people working in aerospace. But then things took a down turn. The tech-boom began. The cold war ended, thus funding for aerospace ended. For the first time in ninety years, the industry was shrinking. Many companies didn't survive, and were gobbled up by the Shitshows - Boeing/LockheedMartin/NorthropGrumman/Raytheon. By 2007, there were only 630,000 aerospace workers.

In their college recruiting efforts, I remember these aerospace companies trying to spin this gloomy history into a message of hope. The message was that the aerospace workforce was graying (getting older) and that there will be alot of opportunity for young engineers who enter this industry in the coming decade. To a naive young kid, it made sense. Of course, now that I have been in this industry for several years, I see what a load of bullshit that really was. While it is true that the aerospace industry needs young engineers, there is absolutely no opportunity for them. Zero.

The engineering workforce many have shrunk, but I'm pretty sure management did not, because there are no opportunities for advancement. There are too many managers as it is. Aerospace was hiring again because of 1) war and the increase in post-9/11 defense spending 2) aerospace conglomerates lobbied the right politicians, and 3) existing managers simply needed to increase their power status by hiring more minions to work under them.

While the aerospace companies claimed they needed young talent, they really needed more subordinates. You see unlike the software or entertainment industry, a talented young aerospace engineer won't get promoted to a position of leadership for several years or even decades, simply because he is too young. It doesn't matter that he may be smarter, more eager, or shows more initiative than all the other Bob's out there. There is a hierarchy based on years of experience because management doesn't recognize talent. They just assume all engineers are the same. And talent that is not utilized goes wasted, so that by the time an engineer is promoted, it is because he has decayed enough to fit the mold of a useless manager. And so the wheel turns.

By warning young engineers that they have no future in aerospace, I throw rocks.

Throwing Rocks from Beyond the Shitshow

Since, I am no longer employed at the Shitshow, I have had to think of new and creative ways to throw rocks at the company. After all, I need to warn impressionable young engineers about the danger of working for a Shitshow as well as do everything within my power to expose the true colors of the Shitshow. One way that I have found I can throw rocks is to refuse to do business with companies associated with the Shitshow. I was inspired by Gandhi since this is the way he drove the British empire out of India. Let me give you a quick history lesson. Gandhi knew that the most efficient way to drive the British out of India was to starve them economically. He encouraged all Indian citizens to make their own clothes, grow their own food, etc. instead of buying British made products. Eventually, it became too expensive for the British to maintain their empire in India and they withdrew their imperialism from the country. Gandhi won.

So let me give you an example of how I am a modern day Gandhi. I was choosing a television company and I know that DirecTV on occasion does business with the Shitshow so I chose Dish Network. Maybe if the Shitshow is starved enough of business, they will eventually clean up their mess and run their company like a for-profit business instead of a welfare office.

Because many companies regularly engage in business with the Shitshow and help perpetuate the Shitshow cycle, I throw rocks with my pocketbook.

Wiki, wiki, wiki

Inspired by the successful experiment in crowd sourcing displayed by Wikipedia, flunktional management started pushing a flunktional wiki.  Apparently writing processes and detailed instructions for every aspect of work isn’t enough so they needed to start the wiki.  And they love it!

While the concept of the idea is good, as with all things at the Shitshow the execution is laughable.   Turns out the only people that have time too actually post things on the wiki are new hires!  That’s right, new hires are populating the wiki with knowledge on how to do things and why things are done certain ways.  Yes, these are the same new hires writing processes (see Process, Process, Process) and partaking in CAB items (see Corrective Action Board).

Now to add a twist to the wiki, flunktional managers grade their minions on how many post they make each year and this grade gets folded into the annual raise.  Just to make sure it’s clear, you are graded on quantity not quality.

Here are some examples of great wiki post / pages / updates:

Personal background including family pictures
Resumes
News articles
Comments on other peoples family pictures
A daily working status of a small team of new hires who love the wiki
People asking people if they want to grab lunch
Links to processes (posted by the same new hire that wrote the process)
Links to links on the internal home website
Directions on how to use the copy machine
Links to the wiki page with the directions on how to use the copy machine

As you can see all of this is real value added.  Every now and then someone does actually post good information. However, due to the approach flunktional managers decided to take of “throwing everything up on the Wiki at first then organizing it later” it’s next to impossible to find the good information.

Because I’m forced to post on a wiki only the Shitshow could be proud of, I throw rocks.

Survey Time - II

Just when I didn’t think things could get better I received an email about the upcoming employee survey.  Actually I’ve received 3 emails so far on the same subject.  The email contained two attachments.  The first attachment contained a preview of the questions we would soon have an opportunity to answer online.  The second attachment was directions and definitions that you need to understand in order to fill out the survey correctly!  

An outsider might guess that this is just a common courtesy.  Wrong.  Last year so many people filled out the survey incorrectly as a result of three issues:

1. No one understands who there boss really is (see The Real Matrix and Matrix Management Model)
2. There are so many Bob-like figures at the Shitshow that they are able to skew the data as a result of not being able to understand the question and how to answer them
3. There are Bob-like figures writing the survey in the first place

Because I get multiple emails about how to correctly take the employee survey and because directions even need to be sent out in the first place, I throw rocks.

Last Day at the Shitshow Part II

In addition to King Kong's usual delinquent managerial actions, Human Resources also put on a good showing on my last day. So part of the "last day checklist" involved me meeting with HR as the last step in the process to hand in my badge and receive my final paycheck. Because King Kong was missing in action and forgot to sign my timecard, my paycheck wasnt ready and I was told "it would be mailed to me soon". The only problem is that "soon" at the Shitshow means 6 months to a year. Anyways, I digress......so I go to HR and hand in my badge and I am escorted out of the building by some HR lady to the front of the building but the only problem is that the parking structure where all Shitshow employees park is across the street and I cannot get access to it without my badge. So I sit there for 20 minutes talking to the guard at the entrance, explaining to him why I dont have a badge and he tells me "if it's your last day, show me your final paycheck" but we know that dog wont hunt since King Kong was too busy surfing the web at harleydavidson.com to sign my timecard so I didnt have a paycheck. Finally, the guard calls the Human Resource flunky and she confirms that it is my last day and states "this commonly happens since the Human Resource Dept. switched buildings and it is a flaw in their process".........my oh my, nice of them to let me know. Heaven forbide that they ever fix a process that actually needs fixing......oh no, the Shitshow only fixes and adds processes that add no value or utility.

Because I couldnt even get to my car without beauracracy on my last day, I throw rocks.

Survey Time

It’s that wonderful time of year again; it’s time to take the annual employee survey!  Of course flunktional managers get graded on how many of their minions complete the survey, so I’m always torn if I should throw rocks by not completing the survey or throw rocks by unloading on the survey.  I usually opt to complete the survey because it’s better than having to talk to my flunktional manager about why I wasn’t “able” to make the time to complete the survey.

Since I’m taking the survey I use it to try to throw rocks.  There is an art form when completing the survey.  You have to be able to point out all the things that make the Shitshow the Shitshow without out coming across as a complete wacko in which your comments get automatically thrown away.

For example you can’t say:
This place is a complete joke, the schedules are so screwed up that they make me puke.

Instead you have to say:
I find it frustrating trying to implement lean practices to help reduce cost when functional managers make us hold sell off meetings before the product is ready to sell off, causing traveled work, just because their executive director demanded the sell off be held by a certain date.

It’s a matter of using as many buzz words as possible while pointing out how flunktional managers say one thing then do another which goes against Shitshow process.  It’s also the perfect time to recall some of King Kong’s primordial burst of rage when talking about how safe you feel your work environment or when talking about the openness to suggest new ideas.  

Odds are nothing will change as a result of the survey.  However, it is a satisfying feeling when I hit complete at the end of the survey.  As with any thrown rock, it provides a little hope.  Who knows, the rocks might actually make and impact just like when David took down Goliath.  

Because I’m forced to decide between taking a survey which will result in no changes and talking to my flunktional manager about why I didn’t take the survey, I throw rocks.

New Business

One of the most hilarious things I used to encounter on a daily basis at the Shitshow was new business. We would have depart-"mental insanity" meetings where the Zookeeper and King Kong would get up there and spew all this rambling nonsense about all these new contracts but the funny thing was that this would be the last we would ever hear about them because the business would all go elsewhere. The problem is that years of running the business like a shitshow has angered many of our customers by driving up their costs and having huge schedule delays until they can role out their new products. The propoganda got so bad that flunktional management would even go onstage at the "departmental reality show" and start referring to programs that were in the concept phase and not even accepting bids yet as new business. Desperate times call for desperate measures at the Shitshow.....at one point, Flunktional management was referring to a program which the Shitshow lost to another company and was protesting the decision as "new businees". I mean, you cant make this stuff up it was so pathetic. What was truly amazing is that all of the clowns at the departmental insanity meetings would be sitting there drooling on themselves while they believe the Zookeeper's propoganda. The most hilarious aspect of these meetings was when one of the people in the audience would ask the Zookeeper "what are we doing to become more competitive" and the Zookeeper would respond with all of his "strategies". Give me a break! What strategies? They have no strategies other than to let King Kong run wild and drive all the talent out of the company and throw chairs at people.

Because the Shitshow has no end in sight, I throw rocks.

Time To Brag

About a year ago the Shitshow executives got a brilliant idea, reduce cost by moving out of high rent buildings and into “under utilized” buildings owned by the Shitshow.  Under utilized is an understatement.  They were basically empty buildings with some boxes in them.  At an all hands meeting the executives were bragging about how they came up with this idea and how much money it would save.   And to think, it only took them 10 years to come to this conclusion!

This would be like me owning a perfectly good car but not using it because at the time I thought it would be cool to rent a car from a car rental agency.  After awhile of renting, coming to the realization I could save money by not renting the car anymore and use the perfectly good one in my garage.  I’m not sure I’d be writing home about that realization.

Because the Shitshow executives brag about things I’d be embarrassed to write home about, I throw rocks.  

Last Day at the Shitshow

As my fellow esteemed rock thrower, Jacko, has stated.... I have moved on to bigger and better things: hopefully a new job that wont make me want to dry heave in the toilet all day long. Although I will miss Jacko and several of my other co-workers (the only people I respected at the Shitshow), leaving the Shitshow is an extremely positive event in my life. So let me tell you about my last day.......

When leaving the Shitshow, Human Resources sends you and your manager an email checklist explaining all of the different things that you need to do prior to leaving the Shitshow. In bright red, sized 15 font on the email, it states "TIMECARD MUST BE SIGNED BY EMPOYEE AND MANAGER ON LAST DAY BY 830AM TO RECEIVE PAYCHECK". As soon as I saw this, I knew it would be months until I will get paid since King Kong is my manager and he can barely remember to breathe. So I spend a couple days running around the Shitshow and collecting signatures and doing a bunch of nonsense and I show up on my last day and check my electronic timecard status and, yes of course, King Kong forgot to sign it. So I spend a good 2 hours paging, emailing, and calling King Kong's cell phone and he is nowhere to be found.

At least my last day at the Shitshow was no different than the rest. But fear not fellow blogers, just because I am no longer employed at the Shitshow, I will still post and vent my frustrations via the blog. Regularly writing about the Shitshow will remind me of how lucky that I really am to be free of the Shitshow's tyranny that would turn me into a mindless vegetable and suck the vitality of life from within me if I did not leave.

So in closing, I am an example of Hope to all you frustrated Rock Throwers trapped at some godawful Shitshow. Keep throwing rocks and keep your head up. After every dark night there's a bright day.

Because the Shitshow was still a Shitshow even on my last day, I will continue to throw rocks.

NunnMcCurdy – “Free at last, free at last”

This week was a sad week.  NunnMcCurdy left the Shitshow. Yet another example of the Young and The Talented moving on to greener pastures.

NunnMcCurdy was a stand-up worker, someone you actually wanted on your team because he would get work done correctly and quickly.  I know many people on my various teams, including myself, had to ask Nunn for help and he was always there to help. He always delivered.  

Outside of work Nunn was one of the few co-workers I actually considered a friend.  I would occasionally meet up with Nunn for dinner after work which always provided a good laugh.  His stories about dating and stories about his crazy roommate are worthy of their own blog.

The good news is that not all is lost.

Nunn worked at the Shitshow for more than 5 years, and he’s only been posting for a couple months.  In all honesty he could post every day for the next 5 years and not run out of things to post about.  Nunn has even made the bold statement that he could continue posting until he died and not run out of stories of thrown rocks.

Nunn has vowed to keep posting!

To all you fellow rock throwers, raise a rock and throw it for Nunn – one of the original rock throwers.

Because King Kong and the Zookeeper led to Nunn seeking opportunities elsewhere, I throw rocks.

Mandatory Training - III

A lot has already been said about Mandatory Training, see the following three post:

1) You know you work at a Shitshow when….
2) Mandatory Training II
3) Mandatory Training

What hasn’t been mentioned is the tactics flunktional managers use to get people to complete their mandatory training, go ahead and guess…

If you guessed providing incentives and making it an overall positive experience, you guessed wrong.  Public humiliation is the preferred tactic.

As the deadline approaches the flunktional office administrator starts sending out an email reminding people to complete their training.  Attached to the email is a list of all employees and what training each has to take and their individual status.  It’s a large list but anyone can look to see who has done what.

Since most people only look to see what training they have to do, the flunktional directorate turns it up a notch.  In the body of the email they start listing, the “worst offenders.”   The last email that went out singled out 1 person as the “worst offender.”

I can only hope the person called out in the email is not doing training because he’s throwing rocks knowing that his manager and director will be graded on if all their minions completed their training on time.  More than likely, this is just another Bob figure who just doesn’t know how to take the online training.

Nonetheless by individually calling out people, the flunktional managers hope to shame the “worst offenders” into completing their training.  The funny thing is at aquariums, zoos and theme parks around the world, animal trainers know positive reinforcement is the way to train their animals and dolphins to do tricks. However, at the Shitshow, flunktional managers still resort to old-school circus style brutality training.  

Because shame and humiliation are the preferred method to get employees to complete training, I throw rocks.