Contract Oversight - II

Today I witnessed yet another legendary meeting with an independent reviewer. Now remember, these independent reviewers are supposed to be the crème de le crème, the best in the industry.

The independent reviewer today was an old grey beard. He probably should have retired 15 years ago, but he loves the industry so much he continues working. Besides being an old grey beard, he’s also extremely overweight pushing 275 pounds if not more.

Pretty early on in the meeting, he leans back in his chair and sticks his hand down his pants (Al Bundy style). It get’s better. About 15 minutes into the meeting he started falling asleep. Towards the end of the meeting he woke up, looked at the slide on the overhead and he actually found an error in what the Shitshow was claiming.

Because Rip Van Bundy can shoot down the Shitshow after a long meeting nap, I throw rocks.

The Art of Decision-Making (cont'd)

NOTE: Make sure you read the preceding post titled "The Art of Decision-Making" before reading this post.

Let's review yesterday's quiz, shall we? If you answered A to all of the questions from yesterday's quiz, then you are probably a young, altruistic college hire. Good for you. Unfortunately, nobody else in the workplace is like that. So allow me to save you from years of frustration, false hope, and confusion with management by offering one simple anecdote.

If there is ever a decision to be made by management where the result will:

A) Benefit the entire company

B) Benefit your boss, and your boss only

Your boss will always choose option B.

This anecdote is probably the best tool you can use for all your future expectations. As simple as it seems, it can be easily dismissed by some. After all, we each come out of college with an altruistic outlook on life, and we expect others to be like-minded. In addition, we are constantly told by our executive leadership, middle management, HR, and training classes to always do what is best for the company, customer, etc. because when you do that, everyone benefits. “A rising tide lifts all boats.”

But in the real world, there aren’t that many good, altruistic people out there. To complicate matters, the few good people get left behind, stabbed in the back by the do-nothing brown-nosers who claw their way into positions of leadership, who only let their no-good buddies follow them in. So the decision makers with the power to “do what’s best for the company” are the very individuals who got there by doing what’s best for themselves-only. So you shouldn’t be surprised when they make selfish decisions that are only beneficial to them. That kind of decision making is what got them there in the first place.

Because expecting the worst from my superiors is the best strategy, I throw rocks.

The Art of Decision-Making

Think you’re ready to be a leader? Here’s a simple test which gives a few scenarios, followed by a decision that has to be made. Take the quiz and see if you have what it takes:

1. A hard-working young engineer also shows lots of potential as being a future leader. His functional manager can:

A) Nurture and mentor him, then prepare and recommend him for a leadership position, perhaps in another department.

B) Not do anything. He’s working hard and we’re paying almost nothing, so let’s milk him for all he’s worth.

2. An IPT Lead has been told by his engineers that a project will take 6mos to complete, but his manager thinks it can be done in 3mos. The IPT Lead can:

A) Stand up to his manager and tell him it will take 6mos, but that if we plan accordingly, we can minimize the impact to cost

B) Avoid conflict and just tell the manager that we can finish in 3mos, direct his engineers to work overtime, and still be 3mos late. The additional cost will be 3X higher than if it had been planned for, but the IPT Lead can always claim “unforeseen circumstances”

3. A manager is low staffed and his engineers are growing tired of working overtime. He can:

A) Motivate his employees by actually talking to them, recognizing their achievements, and offering incentives such as better raises or career development.

B) Hire some contractors, yet still keep everyone on overtime. Payroll costs will skyrocket and employee satisfaction will continue to deteriorate, but the manager can brag that he is “looking good” on schedule.

4. An important middle management/leadership position has opened up, and upper management is asking for candidates. As functional manager, you can:

A) Recommend one of your best engineers, who has prepared for just such an occasion by taking extensive training.

B) Let them hire someone else, since promoting the engineer might create a void in the team. You might resolve a company problem but create a new one for yourself. Tell them to hire someone with experience from the outside, or just recommend one of your no-talent, brown-nosing leads to the position.

5. An engineer has expressed his desire to get experience/training in another technical field. It is not relevant to his current job, but another team on the program is desperately seeking people in that exact field. As a manger you can:

A) Get him the experience/training he needs and facilitate his transition into the other team that needs people. As a whole, the program benefits.

B) Refuse to give him more experience/training since you need to hold on to every engineer you have. The more people under you, the more important you are appear as a manager. Besides, training him in another field that would make him more marketable. He might quit and go to a competitor.

Time! Put down your pencils. Answers to be given in tomorrow’s post.

Bee Safe!

I guess the other day some Bob figure got stung by a bee at the Shitshow.  So how does the Shitshow respond?  They created an internet flyer telling people to “Bee Safe.”  As with any safety or tips the Shitshow provides (see Going Green – II), these tips are at the best pathetic.  

Here are some examples of the tips on how to “bee safe:”

- Stay away from nests.
- Don’t wear perfume (oh-oh, Queen Perfume probably had a heart attack when she read that one)
- Wear long sleeves and pants when going outside
- Don't panic

Because crappy advice is all a buzz at the Shitshow, I throw rocks.

Mandatory Training - V

The other day something fairly common happened at the Shitshow. A deadline was coming up for an online mandatory training module and all the managers were panicking to make sure everyone completed it. Nobody knew about it because it was only mentioned in one of those corporate emails that nobody ever reads. To complicate matters, there were no clear instructions on what to do or how to do it. Somehow, someone figured out how to do it and then instructions spread by word of mouth amongst the engineers after that. That’s usually how it works. Very efficient.

“Mandatory training” isn’t what you think it is. You’d think it’s something useful like: how to do your job better, how to outperform the competition, or how to learn from past mistakes. No, that type of training is mostly non-existent. Even if someone ever volunteered to offer that kind of training, everyone attending would have to do it on their own time (lunch break or after work), and nobody wants to do that.

“Mandatory training” is always liability related, and it is always useless. It should be called “Cover the Company’s Ass” training, or CCA, because its only purpose is to reduce the company’s liability by having a record that some sort of training was given. They also like to remind you that if you screw up, you will be held liable, not the company. The training doesn’t really prevent you from screwing up - it’s incredibly vague and almost everything is subjective. You can still easily screw up one of the countless forms, procedures, and disclaimers, but at least the company can prove they “trained” you, no matter how ineffective it was.

Because training in which I sign my rights away is mandatory, yet training on how to do my job is my own problem, I throw rocks.

Going Green! - IV

In the never ending effort to go green, the Shitshow had the idea of placing recycling bins for aluminum cans and plastic bottles throughout the buildings.  Seems like a good idea doesn’t it? After all, it should be easy and convenient to recycle.  As you probably guessed now, the execution of the idea came up a little short.

When the Shitshow first distributed the recycling bins there were literally 10 bins my floor (about 50 offices).  There were so many on my floor that there was a pair in each office hallway and one in the middle of the hallway.  I couldn’t stop laughing when I saw so many recycle bins.  

About 2 weeks later the bins were redeployed, I guess someone noticed the current distribution was a little overkill.  So what do think happened?  They reduced the number of bins to one or two per floor?  Or maybe they placed a pair of bins in the kitchenette on each floor instead?  Nope, that would make too much sense.

The solution the Shitshow came up with was to remove all the bins from all the floors and only place them next to the soda vending machines.  The catch to this is that vending machines are far and few at the Shitshow.  In fact the nearest vending machine to my office is 5 floors down and in a different building.  It takes about 5 minutes for me to get the vending machine which is a pretty common experience at the Shitshow.

So let’s think about this.  People have to walk 5 minutes to get their soda, which they take back to their office to consume.  When they are done, they are now expected to walk another five minutes to use the recycling bin next to the vending machine.  Once again, great execution.

Because it’s not easy being green, I throw rocks.

Contract Oversight - I

Because the Shitshow has such a "stellar" record of execution, customers often times hire an independent company to oversee the contract execution as well as provide definition of requirements.

The thing is these independent companies are filled with their own Bob figures, and Shitshow routers.  Many of whom couldn’t make it at the Shitshow.

Today I was in a meeting where one of these independent reviewers showed up.  She arrived about 5 minutes late, wearing here Gucci sunglasses and 5 inch heels.  She wore the Sunglasses the entire meeting.  About 15 minutes into the meeting, she took out a nail file and started giving her self a manicure during the meeting.  Towards the end of the meeting she asked a question so idiotic that I almost fell out of my seat in disbelief.

Because Shithshow contracts are overseen by flunkies that make Queen Perfume seem knowledgeable, I throw rocks.

Flunktional Management Arrogance

So one thing that I have noticed at the Shitshow is the complete arrogance and downright delusional nature of the Flunktional management. One of the things that amazes me is that some good employee who has been at the Shitshow for 5, 10, 15 and maybe even 20 years or longer may seem to not be happy with how he/she is being treated and flunktional management could seem to care less. One who think they would want to sit down with an employee and talk to them "man to man" and try to understand why the employee is unhappy or what it is that they could do to help the situation, but thats not how it works. When an employee becomes unhappy, flunktional management just shuns them and takes the approach that "well, we could never do anything wrong, its something wrong with THEM." and they just completely ignore the problem. They all like to make up phrases like "well he/she just couldnt handle the pressure" or maybe something like "well they werent a good fit for the role" The next thing that happens is that the employee becomes so fed up that they eventually leave the company and when this happens the flunktional management's true arrogance shows. Let me give an example:

One employee I know who worked there for 15 years decided to leave because she was being treated like crap went to her flunktional manager to give two weeks notice and his response was "Great! Whens your last day?". One would think that the flunktional manager would at least want to know why the person was leaving or show some remorse that a valued employee who had been at the company 15 years decided to pack up and leave or maybe even try to talk to person into stating. After all the Shitshow has a lot of time and knowledge invested in this employee. Oh no, Flunktional management arrogance will have nothing to do with that. Good riddance!

Because flunktional management thinks they can do no wrong and they think that the reason people leave has nothing to do with their flunky style of management, I throw rocks.

Going Green! - III

In yet another way the Shitshow is going green, they finally introduced electronic signatures.  And boy, what a success only the Shitshow could be proud of!  This is so successful it waves both green and lean flags of victory.

What are electronic signatures you ask?  Well if you recall from “The Young and the Talented,” Dave would walk around documents that needed physical signatures from various people who have “reviewed” the document before it gets released.    Electronic signatures allow people to “review” the document online and sing the document electronically instead of in person.  This is done using cutting edge software technology that authenticates you are who you say you are, and pressing enter (much like email accounts have verified who you are for the past 15 years).

You’re probably thinking that this should put the Dave’s of the Shitshow out of a job.   You’d be wrong.  Now the Dave’s of the world still have to print out the signature sheet for the flunkies at the Shithshow who haven’t downloaded the appropriate software or who haven’t taken the appropriate training to sign documents electronically.  You see, while it’s mandatory for people who don’t have laptops to take laptop safety training it’s not a requirement for people who have to sign documents to take the training needed to perform electronic signatures.  Once again, outstanding execution and roll out.

Because I can sign for things electronically on even the most basic websites anywhere in the world but it still remains a mystery at the Shitshow, I throw rocks.

Going Green! - II

I was out to lunch with vicarious rock thrower Tinker Bell when she pointed out a great article about holding Green Meetings.  Knowing it would make it to this blog, Tinker Bell handed me a rock to throw.

The Shitshow released 10 ways to hold green meetings.  In all honesty this sounds like a great idea but those familiar with the Shitshow know ideas and execution never lineup.  I have seen more insight on being green given by Hannah Montana on the Disney channel as a public service announcement.

Here’s a summary of the best ones the Shitshow came up with:

-Put your green initiative in writing and hand it out to attendees and managers to get buy in and have them sign it.
-Minimize resource consumption.
-Maximize the use of recyclable and recycled material.
-Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.  What?  Isn’t this just the previous two ideas in one catchy little phrase.   Still made the list as a separate entry.
-Order the right amount of food.
-Order food in bulk.
-And my favorite suggestion on holding a green meeting…..reuse the same linens and towels throughout your stay at a hotel.

Because a shitshow by any other color is still a shitshow, I throw recycled rocks.

Going Green!

A funny thing about the Shitshow is how they can make a costly decision, reverse that decision, then spin that into a message of social consciousness.

For example, a few years ago, the Shitshow decided to replace all of the manual paper towel dispensers with battery powered ones. The two paper dispensers were similar in that both would dispense one 8in x 10in piece of paper at a time. The only difference was that the manual one allowed you to instantly take another piece, whereas the electronic one would not. With the electronic dispenser, if you wanted another piece of paper, you would have to wait about 5 sec and wave your hand in front of the sensor.

Sounds ridiculous, right? Why would the Shitshow replace dozens of perfectly functioning paper towel dispensers with expensive electronic ones? Not only were they more expensive, but they needed to have their batteries replaced constantly. I can only surmise that someone in accounting figured that it would save on paper costs; the logic being that people would use less towels. People used to grab 2-3 towels at a time to dry their hands, but with the electronic dispensers, they won't want to wait another 5sec for another piece of paper. Of course, everybody did because you can't really dry your hands with a small 8x10 paper towel!

After a few years, accounting must have realized that batteries are much more expensive than paper. So one day, after a long weekend, all of the paper dispensers had been replaced…again. The new dispensers were exactly the same as the old manual dispensers, only that they were green. In addition, they had these self-promoting stickers plastered all over them, explaining that the new dispensers were part of the Shitshow's efforts to "Go Green" and that the new towel dispensers "save battery life." I'm so proud to work for such a socially conscious company.

Because the Shitshow thinks we are all monkeys who have absolutely no memory of their bad decisions, I throw rocks.

It's Time for a Change

About once a month one of the shitshow executives holds a change agent forum meeting.  These meetings are a time when the shitshow executives pass out company kool-aid until everyone is drunk while delivering some self empowering message.  Pass forums have covered such topics as:

Make the Shitshow a place YOU want to work
Toyota’s Lean Practice for the Shitshow
Be a Change Agent
It’s up to YOU
Becoming Effective
How to Effect Change
Change is within YOUR reach

As you can see, the overall reoccurring theme is that each employee has the power to improve the shitshow and these are the tools you need to do it.  While the concept is solid, as always the execution is flawed.

One of the reasons these forums don’t work is because the people who attend.  The first type of person who attends these events are college new hires who are there to try to network with the senior executives or to hang out with other college new hires.  As discussed in “Hiring Process” these college new hires are not the type of people you would actually want trying to make the company better.  The other type of person who attends these forums are people who have been at the shitshow for 20 years and only attend in order to learn enough buzz words to look like they care in hopes of not getting fired before their retirement plan kicks in.  

The other reason these forums don't work is because the senior executives who give them are graded on quantity not effectiveness.  You see, the real reason these forums exist is because some executive level zookeeper thought that it was a good idea for these forums so he forces his direct reports to do them.  Needless to say the only results from these forums is the senior executives meeting their quotas for interacting with the low level minion monkeys.  The amount of change (better work environment, better execution, better management, and so on) is non-existent.  In fact one could easily argue things have continued to get worse.  But since the senior executives get their check marks, and because the executive zookeeper can keep track of these check marks, the purpose has been severed.

Because the more we change the worse we get, I throw rocks.

NunnMcCurdy Retires: Lowlife Kong Takes Over

As the loyal blog followers know, NunnMcCurdy recently left the Shitshow in search of greener pastures so I will be retiring from my blog posting. I still think that I have had enough awful experiences at the Shitshow to write an infinite amount of posts but thinking about that place depresses me. When I hear phrases like CCB meetings and ECRs, I get flashbacks much like a Vietnam veteran who hears a balloon pop and thinks it is a landmine......

....but dont worry. I have found another person who works in King Kong's group who shares the same level of disgust that I do and has volunteered to take over and post blog entries in my retirement. His name is Lowlife Kong. So today is a day of somewhat mixed emotions for Nunn McCurdy. Part of me is sad about leaving the blog behind but the other half of me is happy for finally turning the page on King Kong's tyranny and the Shitshow. Anyways, its been fun and I will still try to read the blog on occassion and mix in a post once in a while for old times sake.

Because so many people hate the Shitshow, I have found people to throw rocks for me.

Fixing the Parking Situation - I

Employees who commute to the Shitshow come from all different parts of town. Some come from the north, some come from the south, etc. As such, the parking lot has two entrance/exit gates: one on the north side and one on the south side. Makes sense right?

Well, from time to time, a few (non-employee) morning commuters would harmlessly cut through the parking lot whenever convenient, entering the north gate and exiting in the south, or vice versa. This would have probably been okay had it not been for another nuisance. There had also been a few break-ins into people's cars in the parking lot. Apparently, the Shitshow inSecurity was too busy sleeping, talking on the phone, or badgering employees rather than actually providing any real security. They must have been really busy, considering they missed it all go down despite having surveillance cameras in the parking lot.

So what could be the solution to this problem: install more surveillance cameras, hire more security guards, or even more competent security guards? Nope. That might cost another $7/hr. So what brilliant solution did the Shitshow come up with?

In all their wisdom, they decided to close one of the gates. Now, everybody enters and exits through the same gate. At 5pm, it's like trying to leave a Lakers game at the end of 4th quarter. Not to mention, the facility is surrounded by one-way streets. Half the employees just got another 5min added to their commute. Problem solved.

Because I got another 5min added to my commute, I throw rocks.

Wiki, wiki, wiki - II

As described in “Wiki, wiki, wiki” the flunktional wiki is a complete joke.  As bad as it was yesterday, it is 100 times worse today.   If you recall, a lot of the wiki pages were just links to already existing documents.  Believe it or not, some of these links actually came in handy once in a blue moon because as randomly as the wiki is organized the servers are even worse.  Up until yesterday it was easier to find the link to the document on the wiki as opposed to finding the document directly on the server.

In typical Shitshow style things got worse.  IT had the great idea of moving all the data to new servers thus changing the directory path of where the documents are stored.  Guess what this means. That’s right, all of the links in the wiki to the documents on the servers are now broken!

All those new hire hours wasted posting things on the wiki just got erased.  It’s going to take 100’s of new hire hours to fix all these links.

Because the Shitshow wiki became even more of a joke, I throw rocks.

Queen Perfume – III

As mentioned in the original post “Queen Perfume”, Queen Perfume is a half shitshow router and half bob figure.   Anyone who has worked with her can’t stand the Queen.   In fact, she is an ongoing joke with anyone who has depended on her to do work for or with them.   Additionally anyone responsible for charge numbers knows she’s like a black hole, just sucking up money with no end in sight to complete a simple no-brainer task.

That said, flunktional management seems to love her.  Any why not, by putting her on a program they need to staff at least one other person to help her because she can’t or doesn’t know how to do the work that is expected from her.  She’s like a WBS (Warm Body Syndrome) multiplier adding to her black hole affect.  Flunktional managers love this because it provides a job for another one of their minion monkeys and after all it’s not the functions money being sucked into the black hole.

Queen Perfume often times wins awards for various “accomplishments” at the shitshow.  Most recently she won the “rising star” award.   That’s right; Queen Perfume is a rising star.  She’s been at the shitshow for a good 4 years and she came in as a senior engineer with “a lot” of experience.  Now she is considered a rising star.  We have interns doing her work for her and she wins an award as “rising star.”

Because black holes are considered rising stars, I throw rocks.

Jack Welch and Toyota

For some sick reason, most of the Flunktional Management at the Shitshow pride themselves on name dropping two things:

1.) The famous former General Electric CEO, Jack Welch. He is known the world over for being one of the best CEOs in the history of corporate America and is credited for building the GE empire that current CEO, Jeff Immelt, is trying so hard to destroy. Well anyways, all of the Flunktional managers pride themselves on name dropping Jack Welch and some even go as far as to put multiple Jack Welch books up on display in their offices. One time I went into the Zookeeper's office to complain that King Kong had violently erupted at me in front of 15 people at a meeting in one of his primordial anger episodes and I noticed that the Zookeeper must be one of Jack Welch's biggest fans. What a complete and total joke. If Welch saw how the Zookeeper ran the department at the Shitshow, his first order of business would be to fire King Kong and the Zookeeper. I mean, what talent is lost by doing this? Neither of them have any technical knowledge and they both just spew meaningless corporate buzz phrases all the time and drive all the talented employees out of the company.

2.) Toyota Lean Processes. For some reason, the Shitshow prides themselves on following Lean Engineering and Lean Manufacturing. The Zookeeper even goes as far as to put "Toyota Lean Process" books on display in his office. What a complete and utter joke. It costs the Shitshow 500 dollars to brew a cup of Folgers and they pride themselves on being lean? Let's hope Japan doesnt enter the Aerospace market or its game over for the Shitshow.

Because the Shitshow covers up its incompetence and general flunky nature with empty talk about Toyota Lean Processes and Jack Welch, I throw rocks.

Bob Gets a Mentor

I guess this could be the fourth installment of the mentor series but since it stars our favorite flunky, Bob, it deserves its own title.

Since Bob thought getting a mentor would make it look like he was a dedicated employee he reached out to a lead on one of his projects to be his mentor.  For Bob’s first mentee-mentor lunch his mentor took him to Costco.  They got a couple of hot dogs then went inside of Costco to do some shopping. Bob even got to push the cart!  You might think the mentor was just picking up a couple items for himself from Costco while bestowing wisdom onto Bob, but you’d be wrong.  The mentor was doing some Valentine shopping for his mistress who lived in a city across country where he’d travel for work sometimes and was asking Bob for help on picking out a present.  

Because the only thing Bob got from Costso was indigestion and the only mentoring Bob received was on how to carry on a cross country affair, I throw rocks.

Shitshow InSecurity - III

As mentioned in previous postings, Shitshow security are a bunch of lazy high school s dropouts and grannies who do their jobs at leisure, then at random decide to get overly anal, as if to prove to everyone that they really are professionals. They do this part not only with attitude, but with an amazing capability to only see things in black and white. In other words, the procedure (which is flexible at their leisure) can suddenly become inflexible.

For example, if you forget your badge one day, all hell breaks loose. Suddenly, the man or woman, who sees you every day and says “hi” to you by name, no longer recognizes you at all. You get asked such silly questions like “Do you work here?” and “Where’s your badge?” This is the first line of defense. Next, you have to fill out some paperwork for your temporary badge and show your driver’s license to verify your name. But even this part can get ridiculous. Once, security wouldn’t let an engineer through because his driver’s license was expired, as if that had anything to do with being an employee.

-“Why does it matter that my license is expired,” he asked.

-“How do I know it’s you?” replied the security guard.

-“Because it has my picture on it,” he said.

-“Yeah, but it’s expired. Someone could have gotten ahold of your old driver’s license” the security guard replied.

Now who can argue with that kinda logic? Eventually, the engineer’s manager was called to come down and visually verify it was him, which is what the security guard could have done in the first place. Did I mention he’s the only guy in the building that’s over 300lbs? You’d think they’d remember a guy like that.

Because minimum wage security guards have just enough authority to make a working professional look foolish, I throw rocks.

A New Generation of Flunktional Management

One of the things that I find amazing at the Shitshow is how flunktional management get to be in their positions. Recently after my departure from the Shitshow, I got wind from several of my disgruntled coworkers that two new flunktional managers had been named in my old department run by the Zookeeper. It turns out both of them were in their mid-twenties and had been out of college less than 5 years. Shouldnt a functional manager be someone experienced and respected by their peers? How can a 25 year old command the respect of a 55 year old engineer witbh 30 years experience? Does anyone else think this is abosutely crazy or is this just me? But I guess this makes some sense when you look at who gets to choose the functional management that we call "Flunktional management"......the Zookeeper and King Kong. I mean, its like they are throwing darts at a board when they choose flunktional management.....or maybe its like throwing chairs at an employee for King Kong.

Because the Shitshow has functional managers who are so incompetent and command no respect such that I have to call them FLUNKTIONAL managers, I throw rocks.

The Mentor Program - III

In the final installment of the “The Mentor Program” series I would like to talk about throwing rocks within the program.

As it’s been stated in part I of the series it was mandatory to sign up in the mentor program, and the flunktional managers made sure you did it.  However, they did not specify if you had to sign up to be a mentor or a mentee.

In good old rock throwing fashion, I signed up to be a mentor.  That’s right, Jacko mentoring the youth of the Shitshow.  I figure if anyone reached out to be mentored by me I would be able to shine a light on the realities of this place.  I’ve been bestowed the opportunity a couple of times.  In reality, most good new hires reach the Shitshow conclusion on their own; I just provide them with a more direct route.

Because the Shitshow lets people like me be a mentor, I throw rocks.

The Mentor Program - II

Another hilarious aspect of the mentor programs is they way new hires out of college treat it.   When it was first introduced all the new hires rushed to sign up to be mentored by the highest executive they could find.   Shortly after you the mentoring program was rolled out there were Bob figures right out of college bragging that they were being mentored by the senior vice president.

Of course the senior VPs gladly accept this type of mentorship for a couple of reasons.  First is that is fulfills their obligation to the mentoring program.  Secondly it prevents them from having to mentor people that know the place is a joke and the advice they are dishing out is so generic that the flunky security guards could give the same advice.

What the college new hires fail to see as that the senior VPs they are seeking mentoring from at the same senior VPs who have either help create or at least maintain the status quo at the Shitshow.

Because flunky VPs who couldn’t cut it at a real company are mentoring college new hires I throw rocks.

Shitshow InSecurity - II

As mentioned in a previous posting, the security guards at the Shitshow are a total joke, and even they know it. So to overcompensate for this impression of being unprofessional, they decide at random to get especially anal about stuff to “prove” they take security seriously. Like any moron with a tiny bit of authority, they flex their muscle whenever given the chance.

For example, there is a policy at the ShitShow that allows security to check employees’ bags when they enter/exit the premises (I guess they want to make sure people aren’t stealing staplers). And there is this one security guard who talks on the phone with his girlfriend his entire shift. Usually, you can walk right by him. In fact, if you try to show him the contents of your bag, he will just wave you away, signaling that it’s not necessary.

Now he can wave you away 20 days in a row, but if you try to walk past him that one day he is not on the phone, he gets all angry and becomes Johnny Law. “EXCUSE ME SIR! I’m gonna need to look in that bag. You can’t just walk past me like that” He checks your bag, then grunts, signaling you are now allowed to leave. Rather than call him out on this total hypocrisy, most people choose to just let it go. After all, I’d rather have him check my bags once every 21 days than every day.

Because security is like everyone else at the Shitshow (a bunch of incompetent morons who occasionally flex their muscles to show their power), I throw rocks.

The Mentor Program - I

Every now and then all the executives and flunktional managers get behind one effort in an effort to better the company.  One of these efforts is the Mentor Program.  In theory this a great idea, younger engineers reach out to more senior engineers for help with everything from how to deal with technical problems to how to drive  their career in the right direction.  But as you know by now, execution and theory never go hand and hand at the Shitshow.

Since this is a company wide push, it comes down to the flunktional managers to push enrollment.  In fact they get graded at the end of the year on how many of their minions signed up for the program.  To help achieve this goal flunktional managers make it mandatory for everyone to sign up in the database as either a mentor or mentee.   Once you signed up, flunktional managers stopped tracking it since they had a metric they could show there flunktional bosses.  The flunktional managers could care less if you actually participate, just that you’re signed up.  Great follow through!  

This is only the first of many reason why the mentor program is only something the shitshow could be proud of.  Stay tuned during the next couple days for additional reasons.

Because there is many more post to write about why the mentor program is a complete joke, I throw rocks.