Flunktional managers love her, she’s considered a Shitshow rising star, can you smell her yet? I give you the one, the only, Queen Perfume!
Because my nose will never be the same, I throw rocks.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
The Eighth Wonder of the World!
Ladies and Gentlemen... I give you... KONG! THE EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD!
Because these stories about Kong are endless, I throw rocks
Sunday, December 26, 2010
More to Come
Since the Shitshow is on vacation this week, posting until after the New Year is going to be pretty light. If there are any new stories we’ll post them, otherwise we’ll be capturing the highlights of 2010.
Don’t worry, we’ll be picking up our rocks next year and we’ll keep throwing them. There will be plenty of new Shitshow stories to share next year: King Kong is sure to go into many more primordial fits of rage, Queen Perfume will continue to stink it up, and all of the flunkies and flunktional managers will continue to flunk it up. Additionally there will be more Throwing Mud comic strips, Mr. Sunshine art work, and hopefully more stories submitted by our loyal fan base.
In the mean time I encourage you to spread the word about www.throwing-rocks.com. Our readership is continuing to grow but we need a larger base of rock throwers. Spread the word (see A Call to Arms), share the link on Facebook, in Google Buzz, and so on.
While the Shitshow gives us plenty of reasons to throw rocks, it’s up to you to help us throw them.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Santa Kong
I came across this picture on the web and almost fell out of my seat laughing. Because this picture looks like it was taken from last weeks Holiday party I throw rocks.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
In the Black
The other day the program I am working had an all-hands meeting. For those of you who don’t know, all-hand meetings are a time for all disciplines on the program to come together and have program information bestowed upon us from the top.
While I could write a long post about all of the comedy I witnessed, smelling Queen Perfume from across the auditorium, and all flunkies galore I focus on one interesting slide that was presented to us.
The slide showed a certain project making a profit. I was a little surprised because of the fact the project was really underfunded and overstaffed, for a moment I almost felt pride for the project team. But then I started looking at the numbers more closely. The profit wasn’t a profit at all; instead it was showing not loosing as much as expected. What great accounting. That would be like me saying I was “up” during my last visit to Las Vegas
Because being in the black still means drowning in red, I throw rocks.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Throwing Rocks by Working - II
While working today, and not being able to get a hold of anyone I needed some information from, I remembered the real reason I’m working this week. To throw rocks! And boy does it feel good!
If you recall working the week of Christmas is an excellent way to throw rocks. To refresh your memory check out: Throwing Rocks by Working
Because the best part of Christmas week at the Shitshow is working, I throw rocks.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
12 Days of Christmas
On the twelfth day of Christmas the Shitshow gave to me…
5 C-A-Bs
PS: each day is a link to a previous post...enjoy!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Performance Review - II
Just when I thought the whole process and idea behind performance reviews couldn’t get any more ridiculous fluncktional managers are given a new directive.
The performance review varies slightly from group to group and Shitshow to Shitshow but when you strip off the superficial façade, you’ll find they are all a waste of time and a complete joke. If it’s rating yourself (see Performance Reviewl) or handpicking the people who evaluate you (flunkies grading flunkies) all reviews end up with meaningless and inflated scores. So what is the Shitshow’s solution? All flunktional managers are now required to give at least one, and preferably more that one, low score to every employee. The reasoning given is that it will help create a bell curve to better evaluate their minions. It doesn’t take a PhD in statistics to see that any curves this new scoring rule makes is as big of a joke of Queen Perfume wining the Rising Star Award.
Because the Shitshow's solution to meaningless scores is to make them even more meaningless, I throw rocks.
Won't Get Fooled Again
A month ago, I fell behind on a project that I have been working on for several months now and is due at the end of the year. Normally I am never behind on my work, but over the last several months, my IPT lead (Duckface) kept pulling me off my project and putting me on these smaller work assignments.
About a month ago, I realized that I probably won't get my project done by the end of the year. I decided not to wait until the last minute and just tell Duckface the news now so that he can plan accordingly. When I told him, his face went grey: "We really need to get this done by the end of the year. It's very important to program management. We have to get this done" I asked if there was anybody else that could help me out, and he said there wasn't.
So I went back to my desk and thought about what to do. I knew I'd couldn't get this done by the end of the year. Not to mention, I had my own priorities: I was in the process of applying for other jobs, I had to do some networking, I had to read up on some topics to make myself more marketable, and I even had vacation plans I needed to work on.
Yet, I seem to have some sort of mental defect. Despite all the pain and suffering the Shitshow has caused me, I don't like letting people down. I also didn't want tarnish my reputation as the guy who is never late on his assignments. So in a rare act of illogic, I sat down and tried to create a miracle. For a month straight, I focused all of my efforts on this project. I often skipped lunch and even worked overtime to get this project done. Even as of last week, I didn't think I was going to make the deadline. Nevertheless, I applied myself and worked even harder.
With a bit of luck and a lot of hard work, I actually finished the assignment yesterday. Proud of my accomplishment, I told him the good news. Duckface replied, "Great, now all we have to do is get the Project Engineer to sign it"
(Note: Engineering is much like an assembly line, where each engineer adds value to make a product that none of them could make individually. And much like an assembly line, you don't have a product until every person has contributed their part. In this case, my work didn't mean anything until I got the Project Engineer to review it and sign it. It usually takes about half a day for him to do it.)
When I went over to the Project Engineer, he told me "Sorry, but I won't be able to get to it this year. I'm swamped. Tell (Duckface) it won't get done until next year." When I related this news to Duckface, I was sure he would make a tantrum and get that Project Engineer off his lazy ass. (After all, this project had to get done by the end of the year.)But when I told him about it, all he did was sigh and say "Yeah, the Project Engineer is stubborn like that sometimes. Darn, I was hoping we could get it done by the end of the year. Oh well." And he turns around and goes back to whatever he was working on.
Because I have been fooled once again by the Shitshow into thinking that my hard work will make a difference, I throw rocks.
About a month ago, I realized that I probably won't get my project done by the end of the year. I decided not to wait until the last minute and just tell Duckface the news now so that he can plan accordingly. When I told him, his face went grey: "We really need to get this done by the end of the year. It's very important to program management. We have to get this done" I asked if there was anybody else that could help me out, and he said there wasn't.
So I went back to my desk and thought about what to do. I knew I'd couldn't get this done by the end of the year. Not to mention, I had my own priorities: I was in the process of applying for other jobs, I had to do some networking, I had to read up on some topics to make myself more marketable, and I even had vacation plans I needed to work on.
Yet, I seem to have some sort of mental defect. Despite all the pain and suffering the Shitshow has caused me, I don't like letting people down. I also didn't want tarnish my reputation as the guy who is never late on his assignments. So in a rare act of illogic, I sat down and tried to create a miracle. For a month straight, I focused all of my efforts on this project. I often skipped lunch and even worked overtime to get this project done. Even as of last week, I didn't think I was going to make the deadline. Nevertheless, I applied myself and worked even harder.
With a bit of luck and a lot of hard work, I actually finished the assignment yesterday. Proud of my accomplishment, I told him the good news. Duckface replied, "Great, now all we have to do is get the Project Engineer to sign it"
(Note: Engineering is much like an assembly line, where each engineer adds value to make a product that none of them could make individually. And much like an assembly line, you don't have a product until every person has contributed their part. In this case, my work didn't mean anything until I got the Project Engineer to review it and sign it. It usually takes about half a day for him to do it.)
When I went over to the Project Engineer, he told me "Sorry, but I won't be able to get to it this year. I'm swamped. Tell (Duckface) it won't get done until next year." When I related this news to Duckface, I was sure he would make a tantrum and get that Project Engineer off his lazy ass. (After all, this project had to get done by the end of the year.)But when I told him about it, all he did was sigh and say "Yeah, the Project Engineer is stubborn like that sometimes. Darn, I was hoping we could get it done by the end of the year. Oh well." And he turns around and goes back to whatever he was working on.
Because I have been fooled once again by the Shitshow into thinking that my hard work will make a difference, I throw rocks.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Holiday Decorations
The holiday season is upon us! Start baking those cookies, finish up your last minute shopping during the mad rush and be sure to read the Shitshow memo on appropriate holiday decorations.
That’s right boys and girls; you can decorate your cubes as long as you follow these simple rules:
- Minimize, or better yet don’t use, the following flammable products:
Cardboard, Paper, Plastic, Cotton - Electrical lights are not approved
- Metal Trees are not allowed
- Plastic or real trees are not approved unless they are certified to be fire retardant with the certification clearly displayed on the tree
- Candles are allowed but can not be lit
- Decorations are only allowed in the month of December and must be removed on the last day of the work year.
Because when it comes to decorations the Shitshow’s heart is two sizes too small, I throw rocks.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Dinner Conversation
Tonight I was out to dinner and started talking to a random person sitting next to me. Turns out he’s a senior engineer at a non-Shitshow company. Turns out he worked there for about 20 years. We talked about his work for a little bit and to my surprise he talked about it fondly. Not only did he like his company, he only had high praises for all of his coworkers. He then asked what I did and I told him I worked at the Shitshow, he laughed. He then explained why he was laughing.
Many years ago his department was hiring a lot of engineers. His company decided to try to partner with a Shitshow to help with short term engineering needs so he ended up interviewing about 100 people form the Shitshow. After the interviews the HR representative asked him what he thought and he responded "I am now scared to death to fly in any product that the Shitshow builds or has anything to do with." He could not believe the amount of incompetence he saw during those interviews. Needless to say the company he worked at quickly dissolved the partnership.
Because even at dinner while talking to a stranger I’m reminded that I’m surrounded by idiots, I throw rocks.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Baby Kong in the Making – II
Well, Baby Kong went into yet another fit of funny anger. In a team meeting where status was being reported the attention fell upon Baby Kong for his status. Of course he was behind on his work and wasn’t able to explain why. The program manager started asking for specifics and Baby Kong started to get flustered. Baby Kong started complaining about this and that and pointing fingers at other people for his incompetence. Eventually he got so worked up he had to leave the meeting.
A good 15 minutes later the meeting was over so a group of us decided to go out to lunch. When he walked outside we saw Baby Kong standing outside of the building, muttering to him self, while swinging his umbrella wildly. And it seems like just yesterday that he was kicking my trash can.
Because Baby Kong seems to be growing up so fast, I throw rocks.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Performance Review
Well, it’s that time of year again for the end of the year performance review. This year really takes the cake for how insane the whole process has become. But before I go into it, I must explain how things used to be - for it cannot be fully appreciated without a brief history of the performance review process here at the Shitshow.
A few years ago, your performance review form was filled out by your manager, who would then print it and call a meeting with you. In principle, the purpose of the meeting was to go over the past year’s performance, set goals, and identify areas for improvement. Most new hires would spend the entire 30min discussing trivial issues like career goals and making their managers aware of their accomplishments, under the presumption that this meeting actually meant something. The more experienced engineers knew better –the only purpose of this meeting was for the manager to get your signature. Without that signature, the manager would miss one of his own goals for that year - which is to perform a performance evaluation for each of his employees. He didn’t want to get a bad performance evaluation from his own manager.
So the experienced engineers would simply come in, sign their performance review form, and leave. Afterall, every judgment that has been made of you was already on that sheet of paper. Even if a blatant mistake was made, the manager would be too lazy to fix it and print out another form. He’d just say, “Oh, that doesn’t matter. I’ll remember to fix that next time. Just sign it here.”
One day, some manager had the bright idea that performance reviews should be done electronically . Apparently working two weeks out of the year was just too much for the functional managers and it would just be a whole lot “easier if things were automated.” Now whenever you hear that a new tool is coming out and that “things will be automated”, it means the engineers will have more work to do. And that’s exactly what happened. With the new electronic forms, the engineers had to fill in their own forms with goals from a list of pre-approved goals. All the managers would have to do then would be to give you a rating based on each of those goals, and then send it back to you to get your electronic signature.
After using this new electronic system for about six months, it got scrapped. Apparently the managers didn’t know how to use it or it had too many bugs. So we went back to the original paper forms. Then 6 months later, we went back to the electronic forms again. Apparently the bugs got fixed, but managers were still complaining that it was difficult to use –even though the engineers were doing most of the work filling out these damn things.
So today, a new directive was issued. We, the engineers, have actually been instructed to go into the electronic system and ….rate ourselves. That’s right. The managers are so clueless as to what we do (or too lazy to care) that they are telling us to rank ourselves. Once we do, they will review our rankings and make any adjustment that they see fit. What a joke. I look forward to giving myself a “this guy walks on water” ranking.
By giving myself only the highest rating possible in all categories, I throw rocks.
A few years ago, your performance review form was filled out by your manager, who would then print it and call a meeting with you. In principle, the purpose of the meeting was to go over the past year’s performance, set goals, and identify areas for improvement. Most new hires would spend the entire 30min discussing trivial issues like career goals and making their managers aware of their accomplishments, under the presumption that this meeting actually meant something. The more experienced engineers knew better –the only purpose of this meeting was for the manager to get your signature. Without that signature, the manager would miss one of his own goals for that year - which is to perform a performance evaluation for each of his employees. He didn’t want to get a bad performance evaluation from his own manager.
So the experienced engineers would simply come in, sign their performance review form, and leave. Afterall, every judgment that has been made of you was already on that sheet of paper. Even if a blatant mistake was made, the manager would be too lazy to fix it and print out another form. He’d just say, “Oh, that doesn’t matter. I’ll remember to fix that next time. Just sign it here.”
One day, some manager had the bright idea that performance reviews should be done electronically . Apparently working two weeks out of the year was just too much for the functional managers and it would just be a whole lot “easier if things were automated.” Now whenever you hear that a new tool is coming out and that “things will be automated”, it means the engineers will have more work to do. And that’s exactly what happened. With the new electronic forms, the engineers had to fill in their own forms with goals from a list of pre-approved goals. All the managers would have to do then would be to give you a rating based on each of those goals, and then send it back to you to get your electronic signature.
After using this new electronic system for about six months, it got scrapped. Apparently the managers didn’t know how to use it or it had too many bugs. So we went back to the original paper forms. Then 6 months later, we went back to the electronic forms again. Apparently the bugs got fixed, but managers were still complaining that it was difficult to use –even though the engineers were doing most of the work filling out these damn things.
So today, a new directive was issued. We, the engineers, have actually been instructed to go into the electronic system and ….rate ourselves. That’s right. The managers are so clueless as to what we do (or too lazy to care) that they are telling us to rank ourselves. Once we do, they will review our rankings and make any adjustment that they see fit. What a joke. I look forward to giving myself a “this guy walks on water” ranking.
By giving myself only the highest rating possible in all categories, I throw rocks.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Proud Share Holder - II
As mentioned in the Proud Share Holder post the company now matches our 401k contributions in Shitshow stock. Well the silver lining was just recently revealed! Dividends were recently paid out. While it doesn’t make up for the general underperformance of the stock versus the market in general, it does help lessen the blow of being a forced share holder.
The sad part is when I look at all the Bob figures, Queen Perfume, all the flunkies, King Kong, and the Zookeeper I can only imagine that if the Shitshow closed down our division the dividends would increase. But alas that would require some financial smarts from the flunky executives to notice that the red coming from my division is not a result Rudolf’s nose cutting through the fog of flunkies but instead is actually a result of King Kong’s face during one of his many outbursts of primordial rage.
Because getting a pay out just makes me realize how much I’ve lost, I throw rocks.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Going Green, Not So Clean!
Yay! The following story was submitted by a guest contributor, Nightmare. I must say, this is an excellent post and a perfect Throwing-Rocks story:
One fine Monday morning, we all came in to find our trash cans had been REMOVED from our cubes. Waiting for us a was a cheery email letting us know that we'd all be responsible for putting our trash/recyclables in the main bin located on each floor from now on, and hey "thanks for helping save the company money and keeping us 'green'!" Fine, but do you think we could have kept our trash cans at least and emptied them ourselves???
By noon, every cardboard box in the place had been snatched and placed under desks to serve as makeshift trash cans by myself and my fellow residents of Cubistan. Those not fortunate enough to get a box simply saved their plastic bags from the cafeteria and hung them on their cube corners to fill with trash. Others just pile their trash up on their desks till it starts to bother them and then make the trek across the cube farm to the main bin.
The best part? The nice cleaning lady who came by every night at 5:45 to empty our trash cans STILL comes by to pick up our trash and has slipped several of us a roll of trash bags, saying if we leave them for her she'll pick them up, because she thinks it's ridiculous that they took our cans. She still has to stop at every cube to dust and vacuum anyway!
Because Cubistan now looks like a refugee camp so some management jerkweed could mark a bullshit cost-saving "goal achievement" on his yearly review, I throw rocks.
One fine Monday morning, we all came in to find our trash cans had been REMOVED from our cubes. Waiting for us a was a cheery email letting us know that we'd all be responsible for putting our trash/recyclables in the main bin located on each floor from now on, and hey "thanks for helping save the company money and keeping us 'green'!" Fine, but do you think we could have kept our trash cans at least and emptied them ourselves???
By noon, every cardboard box in the place had been snatched and placed under desks to serve as makeshift trash cans by myself and my fellow residents of Cubistan. Those not fortunate enough to get a box simply saved their plastic bags from the cafeteria and hung them on their cube corners to fill with trash. Others just pile their trash up on their desks till it starts to bother them and then make the trek across the cube farm to the main bin.
The best part? The nice cleaning lady who came by every night at 5:45 to empty our trash cans STILL comes by to pick up our trash and has slipped several of us a roll of trash bags, saying if we leave them for her she'll pick them up, because she thinks it's ridiculous that they took our cans. She still has to stop at every cube to dust and vacuum anyway!
Because Cubistan now looks like a refugee camp so some management jerkweed could mark a bullshit cost-saving "goal achievement" on his yearly review, I throw rocks.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Throwing Per Diem Rocks
Every now and then I have to travel for work, of course as a Shitshow minion it’s my responsibility to book all the travel arrangements myself as well as fill out and submit the expense report that ends up never getting signed (see King Kong and the Expense Report). But that's not what I'm here to talk about.
In order to travel you first need to take training on how to use the travel booking service, Shitshow policies on traveling, and how to fill out an expense report. The great thing about this training is that it teaches you what the daily per diem rate is…perfect knowledge to throw rocks.
Every night while on travel I eat like a king, making sure I spend exactly my per diem. Since per diem is use or lose, I use it to make sure the Shitshow loses it. Often times this requires ordering dessert and or leaving a generous tip. The funny thing is, even people who aren’t typical rock throwers end up throwing rocks at the per diem policy when they travel.
Because laughter is the best medicine, but throwing rocks is the best food, I throw rocks.
In order to travel you first need to take training on how to use the travel booking service, Shitshow policies on traveling, and how to fill out an expense report. The great thing about this training is that it teaches you what the daily per diem rate is…perfect knowledge to throw rocks.
Every night while on travel I eat like a king, making sure I spend exactly my per diem. Since per diem is use or lose, I use it to make sure the Shitshow loses it. Often times this requires ordering dessert and or leaving a generous tip. The funny thing is, even people who aren’t typical rock throwers end up throwing rocks at the per diem policy when they travel.
Because laughter is the best medicine, but throwing rocks is the best food, I throw rocks.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
A Call To Arms
Dear Loyal Throwing-Rocks readers,
We'd like to take a moment and thank you for your loyal following and words of praise for our website. It brings us joy to know that so many people are taking pleasure from our misery. But we do have one important thing to ask of you:
If you enjoy reading Throwing-Rocks, then please...SPREAD THE WORD!
As you know, we all have jobs and must therefore remain anonymous. As a result, the only way we can get more readers is by WORD OF MOUTH. If you want to continue to read about our stories at the ShitShow, we need YOU to help raise awareness. Tell your family, co-workers, and friends about www.throwing-rocks.com
If you enjoy reading Throwing-Rocks, then please...SPREAD THE WORD!
As you know, we all have jobs and must therefore remain anonymous. As a result, the only way we can get more readers is by WORD OF MOUTH. If you want to continue to read about our stories at the ShitShow, we need YOU to help raise awareness. Tell your family, co-workers, and friends about www.throwing-rocks.com
Sincerely,
The Throwing Rocks team
P.S. Also, we want to hear from you.
If you have stories you want to share about your life at the Shitshow, send them to us at janserclub@aol.com
Monday, November 29, 2010
King Kong Increases his Territory
In a move that defies all logic, the Shitshow is expanding the number of minions who report to King Kong. That’s right, they guy who:
-threw a chair at the commander
-screams at meetings for no reason
-can’t sign an expense report
-only got a job at the Shitshow because of his dad
-parties like a rock star
-and has multiple formal HR complaints against him
is now in charge of even more people at the Shitshow. I know of at least one person who has said she is already looking for a job at another company because the Zookeeper decided to make this change.
Because King Kong is receiving even a bigger enclosure to run wild in, I throw rocks.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Shitshow Characters: The Nail Clipper
There are alot of oddballs in the field of engineering and nowhere is that more evident than at the Shitshow. There are so many engineers that are completely oblivious to the social norms of society that I have begun to categorize them. You see, it's not just one individual on one team. These sociopaths are everywhere, on every team. It's an epidemic from which there is no escape. Take the Nail Clipper, for example.
The Nail Clipper is an engineer who refuses to do his personal hygiene at home, thus clips his fingernails at his desk. The way he sees it, "Why clip your nails at home when you can get paid to do it at work?" Adjacent co-workers must succumb to the horrible sound of nail clipping and be alert of potential fingernail clippings that may whiz by. The Nail Clipper is usually a foreigner. He may also clip his toenails on occasion.
The worst part about nail clipping is how loud it is. You can usually hear a Nail Clipper up to five cubicles away, even when you're listening to your headphones. When I was a naive young new hire, I used to sit next to a Nail Clipper who would cut his fingernails every two weeks like clockwork. When I changed teams, I remember thinking that I would finally get some peace and quiet. Sadly, I was only to be seated across the wall from two Nail Clippers who would often clip nails in tandem. It was if one reminded the other that it was time to clip nails again. They were like dueling banjos!
Because over time, the sound of nail clipping can be as annoying as the sound of nails on a chalkboard, I throw rocks.
The Nail Clipper is an engineer who refuses to do his personal hygiene at home, thus clips his fingernails at his desk. The way he sees it, "Why clip your nails at home when you can get paid to do it at work?" Adjacent co-workers must succumb to the horrible sound of nail clipping and be alert of potential fingernail clippings that may whiz by. The Nail Clipper is usually a foreigner. He may also clip his toenails on occasion.
The worst part about nail clipping is how loud it is. You can usually hear a Nail Clipper up to five cubicles away, even when you're listening to your headphones. When I was a naive young new hire, I used to sit next to a Nail Clipper who would cut his fingernails every two weeks like clockwork. When I changed teams, I remember thinking that I would finally get some peace and quiet. Sadly, I was only to be seated across the wall from two Nail Clippers who would often clip nails in tandem. It was if one reminded the other that it was time to clip nails again. They were like dueling banjos!
Because over time, the sound of nail clipping can be as annoying as the sound of nails on a chalkboard, I throw rocks.
Checks
Despite having automatic deposit set up, every now and then the Shitshow feels the need to send a physical check for some reason or the other usually for an accounting error on their part. The latest check the Shitshow sent me is for a whopping 16 dollars! While not that much money, it might pay for two domestic beers at the upcoming holiday party. Why they can make bi-weekly deposits directly into my checking account but must manually process a 16 dollar check, I’ll never know but I’m sure at least one Bob figure was involved in the chain of events somewhere.
Here’s the kicker. The checks the Shitshow sends out are not readable by any of those new ATMs that automatically read checks for deposits. So now to get my 16 dollars from the Shitshow I’m going to have to go into the bank, fill out a deposit slip, and wait in line…all and all it will be a good 15 minute process.
Now you might think that my rocks should be aimed at the bank in this case but that would be equivalent to treating the symptom as opposed to treating the disease. The fact the Shitshow can make bi-weekly deposits into my checking account but can’t do the same for an extra 16 dollars is just mind blowing and what needs to be addressed here.
Because even automated tellers can’t understand the Shitshow, I throw rocks.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Walk This Way
Well, winter weather is upon us. Luckily the Shitshow sent out a company wide memo on how to be prepared for winter weather while walking. Believe it or not, this is the advice the Shitshow felt necessary to give out to all of its employees:
- Dress appropriately. If it’s cold wear a jacket and dress in layers, wear bright colors so you can be seen at night
- Wear good shoes. Make sure your shoes have good traction
- Try not to walk through puddles or on ice patches because you might slip
- If you can’t avoid slippery surfaces, walk carefully over the slippery surface
- If you walk through puddles or snow, wipe off your feet before walking on waxed floors
I almost fell out of my chair when I read this memo. The sad thing is this is welcomed information for people like Bob and Queen Perfume. Hopefully one of the new hires posts this to the Wiki for easy access in the future.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Internal Careers Website
As mentioned in the posts The Perks of Knowing an Engineer and Easy as if you never worked here, the internal careers website is cruel joke used to make engineers think that they have an inside track to internal job postings. The internal website is no different than the external website available to any outsider, nor does it provide any more information other than the vague jargon posing as a job description.
Sadly, these vague internal job descriptions are intentional. The Shitshow doesn't want people knowing what team the job is for or who the hiring managers actually are. Apparently, they are worried that if they disclosed such trivial information that it might increase nepotism within the company. Plus, it might actually allow good candidates to get past the recruiters who don't know anything, and we wouldn't want that would we?
After they've sent dozens of resumes into the black abyss, most engineers don't even bother to check the internal careers website anymore . Add that to the fact that many job openings never make it to the website because they get filled behind the scenes by one of the hiring manager's cronies anyway. Can you say nepotism?
But sometimes a hiring manager doesn't have a crony in mind for a job opening and he is forced to seek outside candidates. A few weeks ago, a hiring manager from one of the other teams put up a job posting to hire a new functional manager. The job description was so vague and difficult to find that it got a grand total of...two applicants. Since the hiring manager didn't know who these applicants were, he threw those applications in the trash almost immediately. He then mosied on over to my functional manager and asked "Do you have any guys in your team that might be interested?" Naturally, my functional manager said "Uh..I don't know. Maybe one of my brown-nosing leads will be interested."
And so they told this no-good brown-nosing lead about the job opening and nobody else. Now this lead couldn't manage a lemonade stand, yet he was the only person that knew about the job. And so he applied for it and got the job on the spot.
Yup, sounds like they really found a way to prevent nepotism. Prevent anyone from knowing anything about job openings except managers that are already in power and their cronies.
Because by trying to eliminate nepotism, they make it worse, I throw rocks.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Holiday Parties
It’s that time of year again, time for holiday parties! For those of you at non-Shitshow companies you’re probably looking forward to these parties. In fact your parties actually resemble those depicted by Hollywood
At the Shitshow, holiday parties are yet another way the Shitshow adds to the holiday depression rate. First off employees are only allowed to go to one Holiday party at the discounted holiday rate of $5 to $20. That’s right, they must choose between program parties and functional parties. Secondly significant others are welcomed but they must pay full price which for a cheaper party cost $50. While there might be alcohol, it is made very clear that the bar is a no host bar meaning the employees will be paying $10 for a beer if they want one. To add insult to injury, the food at Home Town Buffett is better than the food served at the party. That’s right, significant others who pay $50 or more end up with overcooked fish or dried out chicken. Not to mention, if you do decide to pay to go the party you’ll be hanging out with the likes of the Zookeeper, King Kong, flunkies galore, Queen Perfume and Bob figures who come out of the woodwork to “socialize.” Lastly, most of these parities occur during working hours when you’re expected to return to work after the party. And of course, you’re not allowed to charge company time to attend a company holiday party, instead you are expected you work extra hours or use vacation time.
Because Charlie Brown can plan a better Christmas party, I throw rocks.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Twenty-five percent
This past weekend I was at a birthday party where I stuck up a conversation with a truly enlightened fellow. When we first started talking he asked where I worked, I told him the Shitshow and he started laughing. I asked him what was so funny and he said that we used to work at the Shitshow until he decided to be become a freelance worker in the entertainment industry. He told me that was the best decision he ever made even though it meant not knowing when or how long his next job would be. Much like the garbage man, the Jack In the Box workers, and the radio show callers his story was a very inspirational.
This guy definitely learned from his experience in the entertainment industry because he ended the conversation on a high note. He asked me how many people work at the Shitshow these days. I tried to give him a ballpark figure and he just looked at me and said “back in the days when I worked at the Shitshow if someone asked me that question I would answer with about 25%”
Because 25% isn’t a joke, I throw rocks.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Change Board - II
As mentioned in the previous post titled "Change Board", the change process has become something of a kangaroo court hearing. In a kangaroo court, one of the most important things is to show the court its proper respect. Even if you're completely innocent and there is no evidence against you, the court will throw your butt in jail (even if they know you're innocent) just for not following proper protocol. Such is the Change Board, where the engineer trying to prove the necessity of a change is like a wrongfully accused defendant trying to use logic to prove his innocence. It's a lost cause when all they respect is someone who knows how to work the system.
I actually have to hand it to Duckface, the IPT Lead, who beat the Change Board at their own game the other day. Last week, Duckface sent one of his engineers to the Change Board requesting that three simple changes be made to one of our products. The changes were not approved because there is some ridiculous Change Board rule that if a change will cost more than X dollars, it needs special approval from Program Board - the Supreme Kangaroo Court of Change Boards!
Upon hearing the news that his changes got rejected, Duckface went back to Change Board the next day to plead his case personally. He wanted to avoid going to the Supreme Kangaroo Court and the additional red tape it would cause. His argument was that each of the changes cost less than X dollars, therefore the rule did not apply. But since he was asking for the three changes all at once, the Change Board counted it as one big change.
"Fine," said Duckface, "Then I'll just have them each approved individually. Let's approve the first change now. I'll come back tomorrow for the second and after tomorrow for the third." And he succeeded, getting all three changes approved without having to go to the Supreme Kangaroo Court. "That's bullshit" said one of the members of the Change Board, but he knew they were defeated. They were beaten at their own game.
But really, nobody won. We're just a bunch of idiots, happy that we spent $10 rather than $15 on a job that should have only cost $5… if people actually worked together. Aren't we supposed to be "one company, one team"?
Because the inefficient path can be less expensive than the proper one, I throw rocks.
I actually have to hand it to Duckface, the IPT Lead, who beat the Change Board at their own game the other day. Last week, Duckface sent one of his engineers to the Change Board requesting that three simple changes be made to one of our products. The changes were not approved because there is some ridiculous Change Board rule that if a change will cost more than X dollars, it needs special approval from Program Board - the Supreme Kangaroo Court of Change Boards!
Upon hearing the news that his changes got rejected, Duckface went back to Change Board the next day to plead his case personally. He wanted to avoid going to the Supreme Kangaroo Court and the additional red tape it would cause. His argument was that each of the changes cost less than X dollars, therefore the rule did not apply. But since he was asking for the three changes all at once, the Change Board counted it as one big change.
"Fine," said Duckface, "Then I'll just have them each approved individually. Let's approve the first change now. I'll come back tomorrow for the second and after tomorrow for the third." And he succeeded, getting all three changes approved without having to go to the Supreme Kangaroo Court. "That's bullshit" said one of the members of the Change Board, but he knew they were defeated. They were beaten at their own game.
But really, nobody won. We're just a bunch of idiots, happy that we spent $10 rather than $15 on a job that should have only cost $5… if people actually worked together. Aren't we supposed to be "one company, one team"?
Because the inefficient path can be less expensive than the proper one, I throw rocks.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
It's Worth a Shot
Every year around this time the Shitshow offers free flu shots for all their minions. You might be shocked that a place that could careless about their employee’s would give free flu shots. Of course there is always more to the story than meets the eye.
What seems to be a nice gesture from the Shitshow is just a ploy to prevent you from using your sick time. Why should they care if you use your sick time? Sick time is a direct hit to the bottom line. What the Shitshow really wants is to have you continue charging cost plus programs as much as possible so they can actually make a profit. Taking a sick day is a double whammy! Not only does the Shitshow have to pay your for your sick time, it’s also a day of lost profits since you’re not charging a cost plus program. Thus, if the Shitshow can spend ten dollars on a flu shot as opposed to loosing thousands of dollars the Shitshow suddenly takes an interest in your well being.
Now here comes an easy way to throw rocks. Get the shot! First of all, the Shitshow will have to pay for it. Even if it’s 10 bucks, a lot of tiny pebbles thrown will add up. Secondly, and most importantly it allows you to save your sick time to use it when you need a “mental health” day as opposed to using a vacation day. I prefer to spend these “mental health” days at Disneyland but sometimes it’s just nice to sleep in and hang out at the beach or at home. Any way you spend the sick day other than with the flu is a great rock throwing experience!
Because the reason the Shitshow offers free flu shots makes me sick, I throw rocks.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Pagers
If you remember the early 90’s anybody that was anyone had a pager. Pager stores were popping up everywhere; such luxuries were no longer considered only for doctors. 15 years later while the rest of the world has moved on to cell phones, the Shitshow is still issuing pagers.
When a new employee comes to the Shitshow they are automatically issued a pager, after all you never know when you’ll need to read a new hire to urgently update the Wiki (see Wiki, wiki, wiki). New hires carry these pagers around like badges of honor while senior engineers usually keep their pagers in their desk drawer without a battery in it.
Every time I go to a comedy club I’m reminded of how outdated these devices are when the emcee usually says something along the lines of “please no flash photography, if you have your cell phone on please turn it to silent mode or off, if you have a pager please enter the 21st century.”
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Veterans Day
Today I put down my rocks to give a heart felt thank you to all of our nation’s service men and women. Without their sacrifices we would not have the freedoms to throw rocks in the first place.
When you take away all of the waste, all of the rework, all of the Bob figures, all of the Shitshow routers, all of the King Kongs, all of the Zookeepers, all of the useless patents, and all of the red tape, a small number of Shitshow employees actually provide products that keep our troops safe.
Because our troops deserve it, I throw rocks.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Change Board - I
A long time ago, engineers had the freedom to make corrections to their designs when they deemed it necessary. Then some Big Wig decided that we are making too many changes and decided to remedy the situation by creating a Change Board to review each change and only approve the necessary ones.
While the intent of the Change Board was to save cost, it became a poster child of Red Tape Bureaucracy. The first problem with the Change Board was its staffing. The board should have been made of of technical experts and chief engineers. But unfortunately, those people were too busy. So instead they staffed it with expendable employees who had nothing else to do. Overnight, they went from being nobodies to being authoritative figures.
Over time, they became more and more abusive of their power, rejecting changes for ridiculous reasons: laziness at end of meeting to review the change, looking for missing information that is irrelevant to the change, or simply because the engineer asking for the change wasn't showing the board its due respect. Often engineers would have to come back to the Change Board 3-4 times to get a simple change approved. As a result of all this, costs resulting from changes have skyrocketed.
Because the solution to one problem is a much more expensive problem, I throw rocks.
While the intent of the Change Board was to save cost, it became a poster child of Red Tape Bureaucracy. The first problem with the Change Board was its staffing. The board should have been made of of technical experts and chief engineers. But unfortunately, those people were too busy. So instead they staffed it with expendable employees who had nothing else to do. Overnight, they went from being nobodies to being authoritative figures.
Over time, they became more and more abusive of their power, rejecting changes for ridiculous reasons: laziness at end of meeting to review the change, looking for missing information that is irrelevant to the change, or simply because the engineer asking for the change wasn't showing the board its due respect. Often engineers would have to come back to the Change Board 3-4 times to get a simple change approved. As a result of all this, costs resulting from changes have skyrocketed.
Because the solution to one problem is a much more expensive problem, I throw rocks.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Patent Recognition
One of the things the Shitshow likes to brag about is patents. Often times you'll here the flunktional managers and zookeepers brag about how many patents their department was awarded this year and how these accomplishments help distinguish this Shitshow from other Shitshows. Well guess what? 99.99% of these patents are a complete waste of money. How could this be? Let me explain.
When an engineer submits a patent that finally gets awarded, the engineer receives a nice little monetary bonus. The bonus isn’t anything to write home about but if you add up 3 or 4 of these each year it makes for some nice spending cash. Their flunktional manager also gets accolades for helping promote the technical advancement in their function. Seems like a win-win doesn’t it? This is where you’d be wrong.
In order to work on these patents the mad scientists (I mean engineers) have to try to find funding for it on a project. Thus they’ll hold out and only work on a program if they have the opportunity to advance their patent. The thing is, the patent usually doesn’t add anything useful to the program because the patent is just a patent for patent sakes and the accompanied cash award. In fact, sometime the overall design the program ends up with is less than it should be in order to support the work of a patent.
In the background the flunktional manager helps push the program to pursue the patent because it gives one of their people a program charge number, the primary goal of a flunktional manager. Since the program actually needs the engineers support they basically have to fund a useless patent. And since the money isn’t the flunktional manager’s money, he could care less.
The flunktional manager will refute this argument and claim that patent work has to be done partially on the engineers own time. Again, this sounds good in theory but no one works for free and the time of patent work vs. work really needed gets blurred and all charged to the program.
Because patent recognition is just a pattern of waste, I throw rocks.
Monday, November 8, 2010
It's for a Good Cause
Every now and then, the Shitshow has to take on some charitable cause to maintain its image. Sure, it’s a phony attempt to make the community think the faceless Shitshow has a heart but at least something good comes out of it. But the Shitshow likes to take a little more credit than they should. You see, while the Shitshow makes some tax deductible grants, they also like to pressure employees to donate their own hard earned money – so that the Shitshow can take credit for those contributions too.
Last month, there was a drive to raise money for Breast Cancer Awareness. It was essentially a T-shirt campaign, with all proceeds going to charity. Participation is usually pretty low because employees don’t like the fact that the Shitshow takes all the credit. So this year, Program Management decided to give the IPT Leads an incentive: whichever IPT Lead’s team bought the most shirts, that IPT Lead would be exempt from having to do his “monthly metrics report.” Now apparently the “monthly metrics report” is such a grueling task that each IPT got very motivated to get their team to buy as many of these shirts as they could. One IPT Lead was so desperate to win, that he decided to take drastic measures.
One morning, he sent a sneaky meeting notice to his entire team with the description “staffing” to be held at lunchtime. Now anyone that has worked in aerospace knows that if the word “staffing” ever comes up, it means there will be an announcement about an upcoming layoff. Needless to say, everyone was in full attendance at the meeting, eager to learn about the layoff.
When they got there, they were given the “good news” that there was no upcoming layoff. It was all a trick to ensure everyone showed up at the meeting – so the IPT Lead could encourage them to all buy T-shirts for charity. As you can imagine, people were pissed. The IPT Lead defended himself with the cliché phrase: “Oh c’mon. It’s all for a good cause”. But many engineers on the team really thought there was going to be a layoff. In fact, many of them sent out resumes the second they heard about the “staffing” meeting. They were at it all morning.
There were so many complaints to management about it that the IPT Lead was forced to send out an apology. He even decided to buy everyone in his team a T-shirt out of his own pocket. It probably saved him his job.
But he won the contest! I hope it was worth it.
Because management does dumb things like this, I throw rocks.
Last month, there was a drive to raise money for Breast Cancer Awareness. It was essentially a T-shirt campaign, with all proceeds going to charity. Participation is usually pretty low because employees don’t like the fact that the Shitshow takes all the credit. So this year, Program Management decided to give the IPT Leads an incentive: whichever IPT Lead’s team bought the most shirts, that IPT Lead would be exempt from having to do his “monthly metrics report.” Now apparently the “monthly metrics report” is such a grueling task that each IPT got very motivated to get their team to buy as many of these shirts as they could. One IPT Lead was so desperate to win, that he decided to take drastic measures.
One morning, he sent a sneaky meeting notice to his entire team with the description “staffing” to be held at lunchtime. Now anyone that has worked in aerospace knows that if the word “staffing” ever comes up, it means there will be an announcement about an upcoming layoff. Needless to say, everyone was in full attendance at the meeting, eager to learn about the layoff.
When they got there, they were given the “good news” that there was no upcoming layoff. It was all a trick to ensure everyone showed up at the meeting – so the IPT Lead could encourage them to all buy T-shirts for charity. As you can imagine, people were pissed. The IPT Lead defended himself with the cliché phrase: “Oh c’mon. It’s all for a good cause”. But many engineers on the team really thought there was going to be a layoff. In fact, many of them sent out resumes the second they heard about the “staffing” meeting. They were at it all morning.
There were so many complaints to management about it that the IPT Lead was forced to send out an apology. He even decided to buy everyone in his team a T-shirt out of his own pocket. It probably saved him his job.
But he won the contest! I hope it was worth it.
Because management does dumb things like this, I throw rocks.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Dress Code
When college hires first start, they are starry eyed and full of hope. You can see it in their faces and you can see it in the way they dress – slacks, dress shirt, and perhaps even a vest. After all, during the interview process everyone that interviewed them was dressed this way. What they didn’t realize is that the people interviewing them were new hires (see Hiring Process)
The truth is, the longer people have been at the Shitshow the worse they dress unless you make management. Flunktional managers dress in a company polo shirt and dockers while program managers dress in a blue dress shirts and brown dockers. Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but these are mostly people who haven’t yet realized it doesn’t matter.
Don’t get me wrong, some senior engineers still wear vests to work but it’s to cover up stained and wrinkled shirts. It’s not uncommon to see t-shirts with holes in them, 5’oclock shadows at 9am, and hair that hasn’t seen a comb or brush in days.
Because if Mr. Blackwell visited the Shitshow his list would be infinite, I throw rocks.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Mandatory Overtime - II
As mentioned in the previous post titled "Mandatory Overtime", the Shitshow would abuse the paid overtime policy by implementing mandatory overtime on a regular basis. Most engineers just complied. However, some of us have a life and don't need the extra $80 per week for another 10hrs of my life. We actually tried getting out of mandatory overtime by getting our assignments finished on time.
The problem was that it didn't matter if you finished on or ahead of schedule; everybody was expected to work overtime. The logic being that if you finished your assignment early, you could pick up someone else's slack by taking on their assignment. That's quite an incentive to be smart and efficient, isn't it? Not really, but on a short term basis it's not an unreasonable thing to ask from your engineers either.
The problem was that, over a several year period, they would implement mandatory overtime every other month, sometimes more! It got to be the norm. After a while, some of us refused to do it since it was becoming evident that the mandatory overtime policy was being driven by politics rather than policy. Uh-oh: troublemakers. You can bet that such disregard for mandatory overtime policy came up on a few performance reviews.
On the other hand, many people did work overtime – and they put in ALOT of hours over the years. They were glad to do so, even when they had nothing to do, because it gave them a bigger paycheck every week. And the dollars added up. They added up so much that the company finally declared that people were abusing the abusive policy.
So what did the company do? They got rid of the paid overtime policy. Thanks management! Way to screw up a policy that was once a benefit of working here. Oh and by the way… Any chance that those of us that refused to work the unnecessary overtime will get an apology on our performance review this year?
Because the Shitshow can abuse a good overtime policy to the point of its extinction, I throw rocks.
The problem was that it didn't matter if you finished on or ahead of schedule; everybody was expected to work overtime. The logic being that if you finished your assignment early, you could pick up someone else's slack by taking on their assignment. That's quite an incentive to be smart and efficient, isn't it? Not really, but on a short term basis it's not an unreasonable thing to ask from your engineers either.
The problem was that, over a several year period, they would implement mandatory overtime every other month, sometimes more! It got to be the norm. After a while, some of us refused to do it since it was becoming evident that the mandatory overtime policy was being driven by politics rather than policy. Uh-oh: troublemakers. You can bet that such disregard for mandatory overtime policy came up on a few performance reviews.
On the other hand, many people did work overtime – and they put in ALOT of hours over the years. They were glad to do so, even when they had nothing to do, because it gave them a bigger paycheck every week. And the dollars added up. They added up so much that the company finally declared that people were abusing the abusive policy.
So what did the company do? They got rid of the paid overtime policy. Thanks management! Way to screw up a policy that was once a benefit of working here. Oh and by the way… Any chance that those of us that refused to work the unnecessary overtime will get an apology on our performance review this year?
Because the Shitshow can abuse a good overtime policy to the point of its extinction, I throw rocks.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Throwing Rocks by Helping Out
Every now and then I end up with a free company shirt. For some reason the Shitshow thinks this is a real moral booster. I used to wear these shirts with pride or save them for my Dad who would wear them with pride. That was back in the days when I was starry eyed and actually thought I had a career path at the Shitshow.
Now days I throw rocks! I immediately give any free shirt I receive away to charities that provide clothing to the homeless. While I haven’t seen it yet, it will make my day the day I see some bum begging for money and picking cans from the trash wearing a Shitshow company shirt.
For all you fellow rock throwers I encourage you to do the same! Any Shitshow clothing you have or end up getting give it away to the homeless. Throwing rocks, while helping others, and getting a tax write off. It’s a win-win-win situation.
Because together we can help clothe the homeless, I throw rocks.
Mandatory Overtime - I
One of the little perks of working in aerospace is that aerospace companies often pay overtime to salaried employees. Though they don't pay time and a half (which is a requirement by law for hourly employees), they do pay your hourly rate, which is still better than most companies who pay nothing. So if you work 50 hrs, you get paid for 50hrs rather than for 40hrs.
Nice right? Well, sort of. As most things at the Shitshow, they have to screw it up somehow - so they abuse the policy. Since we pay people for each hour they work, management has no problem mandating that everyone is expected to work 50-60hr work weeks. The reason for implementing such mandates is the claim that "we" are behind schedule. Of course, it's never the case that everyone is behind schedule; some people are, some people aren't. Nevertheless, managers often want everyone to work overtime. Because you see, there is also another reason for mandatory overtime: empire preservation.
As mentioned in previous posts, every manager's goal is to grow his empire ( i.e. the number of people working under him). Other managers are constantly trying to steal those people away to build their own empires. So mandatory overtime policies become an empire preservation strategy, a tactic to prevent other managers from snatching people from your team. When another manager comes looking for more heads, your manager can now say: "Sorry, I need every guy I got. As you can see, I got them all working overtime, so I really can't afford to lose anybody." Who can argue that?
Because my life is used as a pawn in management's chess game, I throw rocks.
Nice right? Well, sort of. As most things at the Shitshow, they have to screw it up somehow - so they abuse the policy. Since we pay people for each hour they work, management has no problem mandating that everyone is expected to work 50-60hr work weeks. The reason for implementing such mandates is the claim that "we" are behind schedule. Of course, it's never the case that everyone is behind schedule; some people are, some people aren't. Nevertheless, managers often want everyone to work overtime. Because you see, there is also another reason for mandatory overtime: empire preservation.
As mentioned in previous posts, every manager's goal is to grow his empire ( i.e. the number of people working under him). Other managers are constantly trying to steal those people away to build their own empires. So mandatory overtime policies become an empire preservation strategy, a tactic to prevent other managers from snatching people from your team. When another manager comes looking for more heads, your manager can now say: "Sorry, I need every guy I got. As you can see, I got them all working overtime, so I really can't afford to lose anybody." Who can argue that?
Because my life is used as a pawn in management's chess game, I throw rocks.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Halloween
Ever wonder what Halloween parties are like at various companies? I got a report from my friend at a non-Shitshow company, sit back and enjoy the comparisons.
At non-Shitshow companies:
Friends and family are welcome to attend the company wide Halloween costume party with special activities for the little ones. With offerings like free food, free ice cream, carnival games, "circus performers," and a more! It’s a real moral booster. Workers actually dress up and fun is had by all!
At the Shitshow:
You get an email reminder the week of Halloween stating you can't wear mask or paint your face and that costumes are generally discouraged due to safety concerns. On good years the cafeteria will have a free jack-o-lantern cookie and/or a slice pumpkin pie (left over pie is saved for the day before Thanksgiving). At a facility of 1000’s of employees you can count on one hand the number of people who dress up and you don’t need any fingers to count the number of people who have fun.
Because the Shitshow is a fun sucking vampire, I throw rocks.
At non-Shitshow companies:
Friends and family are welcome to attend the company wide Halloween costume party with special activities for the little ones. With offerings like free food, free ice cream, carnival games, "circus performers," and a more! It’s a real moral booster. Workers actually dress up and fun is had by all!
At the Shitshow:
You get an email reminder the week of Halloween stating you can't wear mask or paint your face and that costumes are generally discouraged due to safety concerns. On good years the cafeteria will have a free jack-o-lantern cookie and/or a slice pumpkin pie (left over pie is saved for the day before Thanksgiving). At a facility of 1000’s of employees you can count on one hand the number of people who dress up and you don’t need any fingers to count the number of people who have fun.
Because the Shitshow is a fun sucking vampire, I throw rocks.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
In Defense of Flunktional Managers - I
Some of you may be shocked by the title of this blog post, but I actually have to defend flunktional managers just this one time. As much as we like to blame them for our unhappiness and lack of career development, they aren’t the root cause of the problem. That would be giving them way too much credit. Think about it - If you listen to people complain about their management at any of the major Shitshows, their stories are all the same. That’s why so many people read this blog, because we can all identify with it. Could it be that we all “lucked out” with the worst management on the planet? That’d be quite a coincidence, wouldn’t it?
But poor functional management is just part of a broken system, a result of poor corporate strategies that have manifested themselves into what is known today as the modern Shitshow. Sure, functional managers have to take some of the blame. After all, couldn’t some of them at least step up and try to make a positive change? But keep in mind who these people are: managers are introverted engineers who got promoted (based on their technical expertise) to positions of leadership (that require people skills). As a result, there are a lot of managers with bad personalities, no leadership skills, and lacking any creativity or initiative to enact change. Now they’re supposed to know how manage people and develop career plans?
That’s where Corporate Leadership comes in. You see, these guys are responsible for the barrage of propaganda that tells us about how important our people are to the success of our Company, how we must develop employees and reward them, and how we must create an atmosphere of trust and collaboration. There is just one problem: there is no strategy to do any of it. Believe me, it’s true. I’ve done some digging and have come up with nothing. They just throw out a bunch of buzzwords, then expect each manager to figure everything out on their own. Oh wait, they do offer some links on the corporate website with recommended books to read on ‘Management’. I guess that’s the strategy.
Because problems go much higher than middle management, I throw rocks.
But poor functional management is just part of a broken system, a result of poor corporate strategies that have manifested themselves into what is known today as the modern Shitshow. Sure, functional managers have to take some of the blame. After all, couldn’t some of them at least step up and try to make a positive change? But keep in mind who these people are: managers are introverted engineers who got promoted (based on their technical expertise) to positions of leadership (that require people skills). As a result, there are a lot of managers with bad personalities, no leadership skills, and lacking any creativity or initiative to enact change. Now they’re supposed to know how manage people and develop career plans?
That’s where Corporate Leadership comes in. You see, these guys are responsible for the barrage of propaganda that tells us about how important our people are to the success of our Company, how we must develop employees and reward them, and how we must create an atmosphere of trust and collaboration. There is just one problem: there is no strategy to do any of it. Believe me, it’s true. I’ve done some digging and have come up with nothing. They just throw out a bunch of buzzwords, then expect each manager to figure everything out on their own. Oh wait, they do offer some links on the corporate website with recommended books to read on ‘Management’. I guess that’s the strategy.
Because problems go much higher than middle management, I throw rocks.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Queen Perfume – IV
Like many Bob figures at the Shitshow, Queen Perfume has discovered the joys of telecommuting. What better way to make sure you don’t have to do any real work than by staying at home while “working.”
The other day we had an important meeting and of course it feel on a day where Queen Perfume was “working” from home. Knowing this we sit up a teleconference number for her to dial in. Long and behold she actually called in. About 15 minutes into the meeting someone actually had a question for Queen Perfume. The question was met with complete silence. We asked again and gave directions on how to un-mute her phone, still silence. We checked the telecon number and sure enough she was still dialed in. We moved and from time to time would ping Queen Perfume to see if she was back. Eventually we turned up the volume on the speaker phone all the way up and could here what sounded like someone sleeping in the background. Oddly enough, the Queen never rejoined the call despite remaining dialed in the entire time.
Because Queen Perfume as is useful on the phone as she is in person, I throw rocks.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Logo - IV
Completing his Shitshow Logo Series, Mr. Sunshine gives us his fourth and final installment. As with Logo-III, Mr. Sunshine brilliantly incorporated a heart which I find hilarious. As with the other pieces in the Logo Series, if this reminds you of your own Shitshow, share it, print it, post it.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
The Art of Lying
So when I hired in to the Shitshow, I was told that the company offers career development. Supposedly, it’s one of the big selling points of the Matrix Management Model. You work directly under your Lead and IPT Lead, who give you your day-to-day assignments. Meanwhile, your Functional Manager evaluates your progress, helps you come up with a career plan, and periodically takes action to ensure you are on track on that career path. Now after several years of voicing my career aspirations to my Functional Management with absolutely zero action being taken on their part, I have finally figured out that there is absolutely zero career development at the Shitshow. But why did it take me so long to figure that out? Well, there are several reasons.
Having once been an altruistic college hire, I actually believed and trusted my management at one time. When management told me they saw leadership potential in me and that I should be primed for leadership position, I took it at face value. I was impressed that the company was taking a proactive approach in developing their employees.
Looking back, I realize now that the company had to tell me those things, to give me hope. What were they supposed to say? “Sorry, we just use engineers by draining the best years out of them and offer zero career development. But one day, decades from now, a leadership opportunity may open up and it will finally be your turn to get it . Wanna come work for us?” They should say that, because it’s the truth, but they don’t.
So instead they lie, and they lie hard. They not only lie to you when you hire in, they have an ongoing propaganda campaign about the value of empowering and developing employees. It's everywhere you look. Whether it be through corporate newsletters, the company website, posters in the hallway, or interviews with the CEO, they can't shut up about the importance of career development and talent retention. The company line is that we value the individual and offer real career development. And this propaganda campaign is simply a method con us for as long as possible, so that we do the grunt work for as long as possible.
Because offering false hope is the corporate strategy, I throw rocks.
Having once been an altruistic college hire, I actually believed and trusted my management at one time. When management told me they saw leadership potential in me and that I should be primed for leadership position, I took it at face value. I was impressed that the company was taking a proactive approach in developing their employees.
Looking back, I realize now that the company had to tell me those things, to give me hope. What were they supposed to say? “Sorry, we just use engineers by draining the best years out of them and offer zero career development. But one day, decades from now, a leadership opportunity may open up and it will finally be your turn to get it . Wanna come work for us?” They should say that, because it’s the truth, but they don’t.
So instead they lie, and they lie hard. They not only lie to you when you hire in, they have an ongoing propaganda campaign about the value of empowering and developing employees. It's everywhere you look. Whether it be through corporate newsletters, the company website, posters in the hallway, or interviews with the CEO, they can't shut up about the importance of career development and talent retention. The company line is that we value the individual and offer real career development. And this propaganda campaign is simply a method con us for as long as possible, so that we do the grunt work for as long as possible.
Because offering false hope is the corporate strategy, I throw rocks.
Logo - III
With the third installment in his Logo Series, Mr. Sunshine gives us his take on yet another Shitshow logo. I was cracking up when I read the tag and noticed how the curves almost make a heart. As with the previous logos, if this logo looks like it might have been inspired by your Shitshow print it out and spread it around.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
A conversation with Mr. Sunshine
I had the opportunity to sit down with Mr. Sunshine the other day and ask him some questions during lunch. Below is the conversation he had over some z-pizza and what some would claim the best green tea ever.
Jacko: Can you tell us a little about you?
Mr. Sunhine: I’m not sure where I should start so I guess I’ll begin at the beginning and go on till I come to the end: then stop. When you recently approached me about contributing my artistic capabilities (which many would argue is little to none) to his blog I was a little surprised. I was a little weary that there was a place for me on the blog but after reading your post for the last 6 months, reading the Throwing Mud comic strips, and following “artist” like Mr. Brainwash I figured I too could use my “skills” to throw rocks.
Jacko: I’m glad you took me up on the offer. I’ve gotten a kick out of your first two logos and can’t wait to see the other two. When will they be ready?
Mr. Sunshine: Ha, I’m glad you enjoyed the first two, and thank you for posting them for me. The next two will be ready next week. I’ve already got the first cut of the third one done, however I need to make it bigger. The fourth one has been sketched out but I still need to make a digital version of it.
Jacko: I can't wait and you're welcome! Posting your images is the least I can do. Can you tell us where you came up with the name Mr. Sunshine.
Mr. Sunshine: Mr. Sunshine was a nickname of a friend of mine who recently moved to greener pastures. This guy was so desperate to escape the Shitshow he took a 6 month contract position for a company in the entertainment industry. His contract basically gave him no benefits and no promise of more than 6 moths of work (and possibly less than 6 months) yet he didn’t even think twice about jumping at the opportunity. His nickname was given as a result of his ever to sarcastic (actually it was just honest and frank) outlook on the Shitshow.
Jacko: Nice, I know who you are talking about but I didn’t realize he had a nickname. That guys was one of the few legit people at the Shitshow, it’s a shame he left but I can’t blame him.
Mr. Sunshine: Yeah, I couldn’t agree more. But you know his flunktional manager was happy Mr. Sunshine left because he could now replace Mr. Sunshine with a flunky warm body who did't have any work to do.
Jacko: So true. Is there anything else you’d like to say?
Mr. Sunshine: I hope people are printing out the logos and posting them around the office. It’s a great idea and if people follow through it will be hilarious. The more people that print it out and post it the more important the images will become, it’s a form of positive feedback.
Jacko: Thanks for joining me at Z-Pizza for lunch and sharing your story with me.
Mr. Shunshine: My pleasure. The pizza is good and I've been wanting to try the green tea here, I've heard it's really good.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Career Advancement at a Snail's Pace
Career advancement at the Shitshow is a very slow process. It's like hazing: everyone hates the current system, but whoever gets past it is against letting the next group have it easy. This slow process goes something like this (if you're lucky):
- Engineer
- Engineering Lead (minimum 8yrs experience)
- IPT Lead (minimum 16yrs experience)
- Functional Manager (minimum 20yrs experience)
- Program Manager (minimum 30yrs experience)
- Corporate Executive (minimum 30yrs experience)
While this is a rough guideline, it holds true for the most part. Sadly, there isn't much an eager young engineer can do to advance his career other than wait for his time to come. There is really no way to get ahead at the Shitshow other than being at the right place at the right time: the “right place” being a location where you hear that a position has opened up; the “right time” meaning that you have put in your time at the Shitshow, so your seniority now makes you eligible to be considered for the position. Even though you have learned nothing new and have been doing the same repetitive tasks for 10yrs, somehow you are more qualified for leadership because you’re 10yrs older.
Come to think of it, there are a few factors that can accelerate your career advancement, such as:
- the program is in a growth phase
- you’re a good brown-noser
- you’re an a-hole, so people assume you're serious about work
- you latch on to a rising star who promotes you whenever he gets promoted
- you are hated by your subordinates and promoting you is easier than firing you
- any combination of these factors
But be aware, there are factors that can slow down your career advancement also, such as:
- the program is in a declining phase
- you’re good at what you do, so you're indispensable at your current position
- you’re fun and pleasant, which must mean you don’t take this job seriously
- you’re well educated, thus resented by anyone who isn’t
- you’re a team player, rather than only looking out for yourself
- you humbly accept blame when appropriate
Of course, no one at the Shitshow will tell you about these factors explicitly, at least not on record. But here they are, for all to see. Let it be known to all that there is no career advancement at the Shitshow until you have put in your time, and even then it's a maybe.
Because I don’t have all the time in the world to get promoted to a position I won’t even want by the time I get it, I throw rocks.
- Engineer
- Engineering Lead (minimum 8yrs experience)
- IPT Lead (minimum 16yrs experience)
- Functional Manager (minimum 20yrs experience)
- Program Manager (minimum 30yrs experience)
- Corporate Executive (minimum 30yrs experience)
While this is a rough guideline, it holds true for the most part. Sadly, there isn't much an eager young engineer can do to advance his career other than wait for his time to come. There is really no way to get ahead at the Shitshow other than being at the right place at the right time: the “right place” being a location where you hear that a position has opened up; the “right time” meaning that you have put in your time at the Shitshow, so your seniority now makes you eligible to be considered for the position. Even though you have learned nothing new and have been doing the same repetitive tasks for 10yrs, somehow you are more qualified for leadership because you’re 10yrs older.
Come to think of it, there are a few factors that can accelerate your career advancement, such as:
- the program is in a growth phase
- you’re a good brown-noser
- you’re an a-hole, so people assume you're serious about work
- you latch on to a rising star who promotes you whenever he gets promoted
- you are hated by your subordinates and promoting you is easier than firing you
- any combination of these factors
But be aware, there are factors that can slow down your career advancement also, such as:
- the program is in a declining phase
- you’re good at what you do, so you're indispensable at your current position
- you’re fun and pleasant, which must mean you don’t take this job seriously
- you’re well educated, thus resented by anyone who isn’t
- you’re a team player, rather than only looking out for yourself
- you humbly accept blame when appropriate
Of course, no one at the Shitshow will tell you about these factors explicitly, at least not on record. But here they are, for all to see. Let it be known to all that there is no career advancement at the Shitshow until you have put in your time, and even then it's a maybe.
Because I don’t have all the time in the world to get promoted to a position I won’t even want by the time I get it, I throw rocks.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Logo - II
Continuing with his Logo Series, Mr. Sunshine offers you Logo - II. Again, if this logo rings a bell with you, I encourage you to print out multiple copies and post it as many places as you can. This movement will only work with your help. See Taking it from the street to the Shitshow and Logo - I for more details.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Fire Alarm Drill - II
I thought I’d post a little follow-up to the recent post titled “Fire Alarm Drill”
As you know, a fire-alarm drill was conducted in the rain a few weeks ago, followed up by an email from Functional Management that nobody is allowed to charge to “Overhead Cost” and that employees will be expected to make up the time on their own. Of course, the idea is to keep indirect costs down. Functional Management doesn’t want 1000 employees charging 30min to “Overhead Cost” because that’s what Functional Management charges to. It’s their Bread and Butter. They want to keep “Overhead Cost” low so that they can stay off the radar. Somebody might notice that we pay these guys to do nothing.
In the aftermath of the fire drill and ensuing email, employees were pissed. They were so pissed that for the next two hours, that’s all they could talk about. Everyone was chatting away about how ridiculous it is that they had to stand out in the rain, and now they’re expected to make it up on their own time. As a result, the Program had 1000 employees not working for 2hrs, so the Program lost 2000 man-hrs of production time as a result. So rather than saving 500 man-hours, the Company (Shitshow) lost 2000 man-hours; a net loss of 1500 man-hours.
Now the million dollar question: Does Functional Management care?
Answer: Nope, thanks to the beauty of the Matrix Management Model.
You see, the 2000 lost man-hours that resulted from employee frustration only affects the Program. Therefore, the added cost is Program Management’s problem. Functional Management doesn’t give a damn. Their bonuses are based on an entirely different budget, one in which saving five cents in “Overhead Cost” is preferable to adding one dollar in Program Cost. And the Shitshow then tells its employees to always do “what’s best for the company”. But as usual, Functional Management is only looking out for themselves.
Because what’s good for functional managers is bad for the company, I throw rocks.
As you know, a fire-alarm drill was conducted in the rain a few weeks ago, followed up by an email from Functional Management that nobody is allowed to charge to “Overhead Cost” and that employees will be expected to make up the time on their own. Of course, the idea is to keep indirect costs down. Functional Management doesn’t want 1000 employees charging 30min to “Overhead Cost” because that’s what Functional Management charges to. It’s their Bread and Butter. They want to keep “Overhead Cost” low so that they can stay off the radar. Somebody might notice that we pay these guys to do nothing.
In the aftermath of the fire drill and ensuing email, employees were pissed. They were so pissed that for the next two hours, that’s all they could talk about. Everyone was chatting away about how ridiculous it is that they had to stand out in the rain, and now they’re expected to make it up on their own time. As a result, the Program had 1000 employees not working for 2hrs, so the Program lost 2000 man-hrs of production time as a result. So rather than saving 500 man-hours, the Company (Shitshow) lost 2000 man-hours; a net loss of 1500 man-hours.
Now the million dollar question: Does Functional Management care?
Answer: Nope, thanks to the beauty of the Matrix Management Model.
You see, the 2000 lost man-hours that resulted from employee frustration only affects the Program. Therefore, the added cost is Program Management’s problem. Functional Management doesn’t give a damn. Their bonuses are based on an entirely different budget, one in which saving five cents in “Overhead Cost” is preferable to adding one dollar in Program Cost. And the Shitshow then tells its employees to always do “what’s best for the company”. But as usual, Functional Management is only looking out for themselves.
Because what’s good for functional managers is bad for the company, I throw rocks.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Logo - I
Mr. Sunshine has come through on his promise to make a logo for the "major 4" Shitshows out there. If this logo rings a bell with you, I encourage you to print out multiple copies and post it as many places as you can. This movement will only work with your help.
See Taking it from the street to the Shitshow for the history behind this movement. In a future post Mr. Sunshine will share with us the significance of his pen name, a story truly worthing throwing rocks for.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Taking it from the street to the Shitshow
The other night I saw a very inspiring documentary about street art, Exit Through the Gift Shop. The documentary showed how street artists took their art to the street to make a statement. Many of the artists would plaster the same image over and over again at different locations around the world. During the movie I thought to myself why not start throwing rocks at the Shitshow with this type of art movement.
After the movie I reached out to a friend who is also stuck at the Shitshow but who is also an artist, Mr. Sunshine. We brainstormed about what we could do, and more importantly what you could do.
If you haven’t already, I encourage you to print out Janser’s previously posted Throwing Mud comic strips. Post them in your cube, on your office door, on shared bulletin boards, and so on. This will be good practice for the next step.
Over the next couple of weeks, I will be releasing Mr. Sunshine images on this blog. The first four will be Mr. Sunshine’s interpretations of the “major 4” Shitshow logos. When your Shitshow logo is released, print out multiple copies and post them around your work area on cubes, in kitchens, on bathroom stalls, on office windows and so on.
Rock throwing tip: You may need to print the logos at home and make copies at work, that way they don’t track your user logon to the print job.
Because you work at a Shitshow, it’s time to start throwing rocks.
After the movie I reached out to a friend who is also stuck at the Shitshow but who is also an artist, Mr. Sunshine. We brainstormed about what we could do, and more importantly what you could do.
If you haven’t already, I encourage you to print out Janser’s previously posted Throwing Mud comic strips. Post them in your cube, on your office door, on shared bulletin boards, and so on. This will be good practice for the next step.
Over the next couple of weeks, I will be releasing Mr. Sunshine images on this blog. The first four will be Mr. Sunshine’s interpretations of the “major 4” Shitshow logos. When your Shitshow logo is released, print out multiple copies and post them around your work area on cubes, in kitchens, on bathroom stalls, on office windows and so on.
Rock throwing tip: You may need to print the logos at home and make copies at work, that way they don’t track your user logon to the print job.
Because you work at a Shitshow, it’s time to start throwing rocks.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Contract Oversight - III
Another day at the Shitshow and another legendary meeting with an independent reviewer. Now remember, these independent reviewers are supposed to be the crème de le crème, the best in the industry. See Contractor – I and Contractor – II.
At today’s meeting the independent reviewer was supposed to be a subsystem expert. The only problem was that she didn’t know the basics of the subsystem. The entire meeting was spent giving the equivalent of a college freshman introduction to a potential major. Half the time she tried to ask a question, she couldn’t even figure out how to ask what she didn’t understand.
After the meeting she left and a couple of us stuck around. One of the senior managers who stuck around after the meeting said “man, there is some major overhead associated with that reviewer.”
Because independent reviewers can make Queen Perfume seem like she’s at the head of the class, I throw rocks.
At today’s meeting the independent reviewer was supposed to be a subsystem expert. The only problem was that she didn’t know the basics of the subsystem. The entire meeting was spent giving the equivalent of a college freshman introduction to a potential major. Half the time she tried to ask a question, she couldn’t even figure out how to ask what she didn’t understand.
After the meeting she left and a couple of us stuck around. One of the senior managers who stuck around after the meeting said “man, there is some major overhead associated with that reviewer.”
Because independent reviewers can make Queen Perfume seem like she’s at the head of the class, I throw rocks.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Facilities Management
I did a walk through of the Shitshow building today. I couldn't but help notice that there are alot of empty cubes on my floor. It's quite a change, considering at one point we had so many people, that we sometimes had two engineers doubled up in one cube. How did this cubicle vacancy happen? Perhaps some people retired, or maybe it was just a result of the multiple moves we have had over the years.
Nobody ever really moves anywhere, they just get reshuffled to different cubicles. Moves happen when management has extra budget sitting around. Rather than spend it on employee development, they decide to blow the extra budget by reshuffling everyone around to create more "synergy". The flaw in this effort is that engineers don't communicate with each other anyway. You could have two engineers sit directly next to each other, and they will still communicate only by email or IM. I know one engineer who, after five moves, ended up in the exact same cube he started in. Very effective.
Of course, when there is no excess budget, they don't move anyone. So as I'm walking through the building today, I see not only empty cubes and empty offices, but then I come across some new hires that STILL doubled up in one cube. All these empty cubes, and these guys are STILL sharing a cube the size of a ping-pong table!
"Sorry, we'd love to move you, but we don't have any budget. Also, you're not allowed to move yourselves either, as that would violate company rules.
Sincerely,
- Management"
Because I should feel lucky to have my own cube, I throw rocks.
Nobody ever really moves anywhere, they just get reshuffled to different cubicles. Moves happen when management has extra budget sitting around. Rather than spend it on employee development, they decide to blow the extra budget by reshuffling everyone around to create more "synergy". The flaw in this effort is that engineers don't communicate with each other anyway. You could have two engineers sit directly next to each other, and they will still communicate only by email or IM. I know one engineer who, after five moves, ended up in the exact same cube he started in. Very effective.
Of course, when there is no excess budget, they don't move anyone. So as I'm walking through the building today, I see not only empty cubes and empty offices, but then I come across some new hires that STILL doubled up in one cube. All these empty cubes, and these guys are STILL sharing a cube the size of a ping-pong table!
"Sorry, we'd love to move you, but we don't have any budget. Also, you're not allowed to move yourselves either, as that would violate company rules.
Sincerely,
- Management"
Because I should feel lucky to have my own cube, I throw rocks.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Fire Alarm Drill
Last week the Shitshow held a fire alarm drill. For this test we all had to evacuate our building, wait outside until building sweeps were performed, take roll call outside and report any missing persons. All and all it’s about a 30 minute drill. I’m all for being prepared but of course this was done in pure Shitshow style.
The day the drill was held was the rainiest day of the year. It was known for days in advance that the chances of rain were 90% but the Shitshow didn’t care. It was also known that the storm would have passed by the next day, but I guess when there is so much Shitshow momentum involved it’s impossible to postpone for a day.
It gets better. In an effort to save money, we were asked to perform this mandatory drill on our own time. We weren’t allowed to charge overhead nor were we allowed to charge to the program we were working on. To help us find an extra 30 minutes of our time, it was suggested that we take a shorter lunch or stay an extra half hour today.
Because being safe at the Shitshow requires me to stand out in the cold wet rain unpaid, I throw rocks.
The day the drill was held was the rainiest day of the year. It was known for days in advance that the chances of rain were 90% but the Shitshow didn’t care. It was also known that the storm would have passed by the next day, but I guess when there is so much Shitshow momentum involved it’s impossible to postpone for a day.
It gets better. In an effort to save money, we were asked to perform this mandatory drill on our own time. We weren’t allowed to charge overhead nor were we allowed to charge to the program we were working on. To help us find an extra 30 minutes of our time, it was suggested that we take a shorter lunch or stay an extra half hour today.
Because being safe at the Shitshow requires me to stand out in the cold wet rain unpaid, I throw rocks.
Friday, October 8, 2010
The Secret of My Success
In today’s post, I offer a quote from a great 80s movie called The Secret of My Success, starring Michael J. Fox. The film is about a recent college grad who struggles to get a foothold in the business world. I believe the quote pretty much sums up how crazy things are for someone looking for that first job or trying to change careers.
In one of the first scenes, Brantley Foster (played by Michael J. Fox), a confident, young college grad, has just wrapped up an interview with the hiring manager of a prospective employer.
Hiring Manager: I'm sorry, Mr. Foster. We need someone with experience.
Brantley Foster: But how can I get any experience until I get a job that GIVES me experience?
Hiring Manager: If we gave you a job just to give you experience, you'd take that experience and get a better job. Then that experience would benefit someone else.
Brantley Foster: Yeah, but I was trained in college to handle a job like this, so in a sense I already have experience.
Hiring Manager: What you've got is college experience, not the practical, hard-nosed business experience we're looking for. If you'd joined our training program out of high-school, you'd be qualified for this job now.
Brantley Foster: Then why did I go to college?
Hiring Manager: [laughs] Well you had fun, didn't you?
(Sadly, it’s even worse if you went back to school for a Masters because you probably didn’t have any fun doing it.)
Because every business out there wants someone with experience and believes nobody is worth training, I throw rocks.
In one of the first scenes, Brantley Foster (played by Michael J. Fox), a confident, young college grad, has just wrapped up an interview with the hiring manager of a prospective employer.
Hiring Manager: I'm sorry, Mr. Foster. We need someone with experience.
Brantley Foster: But how can I get any experience until I get a job that GIVES me experience?
Hiring Manager: If we gave you a job just to give you experience, you'd take that experience and get a better job. Then that experience would benefit someone else.
Brantley Foster: Yeah, but I was trained in college to handle a job like this, so in a sense I already have experience.
Hiring Manager: What you've got is college experience, not the practical, hard-nosed business experience we're looking for. If you'd joined our training program out of high-school, you'd be qualified for this job now.
Brantley Foster: Then why did I go to college?
Hiring Manager: [laughs] Well you had fun, didn't you?
(Sadly, it’s even worse if you went back to school for a Masters because you probably didn’t have any fun doing it.)
Because every business out there wants someone with experience and believes nobody is worth training, I throw rocks.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Slap Silly
At a staff meeting today Jim, one of the flunktional managers, announced he was leaving his position to take a program management role. It took us all by surprise since this flunky had only been in the position for about a year. After Jim’s announcement, his manager (a Zookeeper in Training) started to give a good-bye thank you speech in pure Shitshow fashion. The speech started off with a quick thank you then went into to a long description on what he would like Jim’s replacement to be doing. Translation, I want the new flunktional manager to do all the things that Jim either didn’t or wasn’t able to due. What a slap in the face, even for the Shitshow.
It get’s better. The Zookeeper in Training then says “so if any of you know someone with those skills please tell them to apply to the job opening.” Translation, no one in this room is going to get the job (so much for career development within your own function) but please spread the word to those who are qualified. What a skill, the Zookeeper in Training was able to slap everyone in the room in one quick swipe.
Any one with people management common sense could easily tell you that what the Zookeeper in Training did was wrong on every single level, but as you know people skills is not a requirement to be management at the Shitshow.
Because the only people skill the Zookeeper in Training has is slapping people silly, I throw rocks.
It get’s better. The Zookeeper in Training then says “so if any of you know someone with those skills please tell them to apply to the job opening.” Translation, no one in this room is going to get the job (so much for career development within your own function) but please spread the word to those who are qualified. What a skill, the Zookeeper in Training was able to slap everyone in the room in one quick swipe.
Any one with people management common sense could easily tell you that what the Zookeeper in Training did was wrong on every single level, but as you know people skills is not a requirement to be management at the Shitshow.
Because the only people skill the Zookeeper in Training has is slapping people silly, I throw rocks.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Must Have Prior Experience
As some of you may have surmised, I am desperately trying to get out of engineering and into a leadership position, such as management. Unfortunately, my efforts are hindered by one requirement that I see in every single job posting I come across: every management position out there (including those at the Shitshow) is looking for someone with prior management experience.
Now I have a beef with that because it implies that anyone with prior management experience will be a better manager than anyone without management experience. But if every person in management was a good manager, why do so many people hate their jobs and their bosses? Why do so many people see their bosses as incompetent? Why do so many companies go from cutting edge to falling behind the pack? Poor management, of course. In fact, poor management is so common that there is even a saying in the Consulting Industry: “If you don’t know the root of the problem, take a look at Management. If still you can’t find what’s wrong, take another look at Management.”
So why is everyone pretending that management experience is always a plus? There are a ton of bad managers out there, and the business world just keeps shuffling them around. If you ask me, there are a lot more bad managers out there than good ones. Odds are you’d be better off hiring someone without management experience. At least then there’d be a chance for some fresh new ideas. Yes, I know that’s just wishful thinking. I just hope that by the time I do get some managerial experience, I won’t be jaded, having learned everything from the “mentors” above me at the Shitshow.
Because even the worst managers at the Shtishow are still more marketable than me, I throw rocks.
Now I have a beef with that because it implies that anyone with prior management experience will be a better manager than anyone without management experience. But if every person in management was a good manager, why do so many people hate their jobs and their bosses? Why do so many people see their bosses as incompetent? Why do so many companies go from cutting edge to falling behind the pack? Poor management, of course. In fact, poor management is so common that there is even a saying in the Consulting Industry: “If you don’t know the root of the problem, take a look at Management. If still you can’t find what’s wrong, take another look at Management.”
So why is everyone pretending that management experience is always a plus? There are a ton of bad managers out there, and the business world just keeps shuffling them around. If you ask me, there are a lot more bad managers out there than good ones. Odds are you’d be better off hiring someone without management experience. At least then there’d be a chance for some fresh new ideas. Yes, I know that’s just wishful thinking. I just hope that by the time I do get some managerial experience, I won’t be jaded, having learned everything from the “mentors” above me at the Shitshow.
Because even the worst managers at the Shtishow are still more marketable than me, I throw rocks.
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