Don’t Call us, We’ll Call You

This story was submitted by a long time fellow rock thrower.  He left the company about 6 months ago but still gets reminded of his past almost everyday.  When he told me why, I almost fell out of my chair laughing.

When I worked at the Shitshow I never liked working in my cubical.  From my cubical neighbor insisting on using the speaker phone to a girl down the row from me cussing at her mom on almost a daily basis, I’m sure you can understand.  So I’d spend my day walking around or hanging out at my friends cube. 

Since the Shitshow wouldn’t approve a cell phone for me, nor could I have voice messages forwarded to my pager, I decided to have calls to my office voice mail forwarded to by personal cell phone.  I figured this would make it seem like I just stepped away from the cube if my manger called or something like that.

Well when I left I asked my manager and HR what would happen to my voicemail and the call forward feature.  The both assured me it would automatically be disconnected within 24 hours of my last day and I didn’t have to do anything. 

Guess what?  My Shitshow voicemail is still active and I get a forwarded call about once a day.  I tried contacting King Kong multiple times without success.  I finally got a hold of him and told him my situation.  He said he’d have to submit a work order to get this fixed but would have to do a lot of extra paper work since the work order was for a phone number no longer associated with an employee.  That was 2 months ago, and so far today I’ve received 3 forwarded messages. 

Because I’m reminded daily that I worked at the Shitshow, I still throw rocks. 

You’re a mean one, Mr. Guard

As it’s been pointed out many times before in the InSecurity posts, the Shitshow security brings us safety only the Shitshow could be proud to contract out.  Well I’m sure this story would bring even a smile to the Grinch.  

Last Friday I saw a Shitshow legend (on the status of Bob), trying to bring in pre-wrapped presents to give to all the managers he works for and all of their office administrators.  Much to his surprise, after walking past the same InSecurity guard he has for the past 2 years without ever being asked to inspect a bag, the guard asked to see the bag full of presents. 

After a long explanation the InSecurity guard was not satisfied and demanded that all the presents be unwrapped so he could inspect them for security threats.  Despite your thoughts about this, the Shitshow factor kicks in big time is that during this whole incident other employees were walking in with laptop bags and oversized purses without being checked!  

Because not even the Grinch could come up with such and awful good security plan, I throw rocks. 

Mr. Sunshine - The Writing is in the Heart

Mr. Sunshine just sent me his latest piece.  He titled in "The Writing is in the Heart" which I'm guessing is a play on words from The (Revolving) Door Code - III.  Whatever the inspiration was, it's another classic.  Feel free to print it out and hang it with pride!

Because receiving this image was the best part of my work day, I throw rocks. 

Queen Perfume’s Reply

Not too long ago a co-worker found a way out of the Shitshow!  With about a week before his final day he sent out a mass email to all the people he worked with through the years saying good-bye and giving thanks for all of the support they provided.  That is not what this post is about; it’s about the Queens response. 

Despite being out on her leave of absence the Queen still took time to respond.  At first my friend though the Queen was going to wish him the best of luck, and thank him for doing most if not all of her work during the last year. 

Of course he was wrong.  The Queen replied with, “Before you go, can you finish this one task so I won’t have to deal with it when I get back?”   After almost falling out from his chair from laughing, he immediately deleted the email.

Because not even Bill Lumbergh could out sleaze Queen Perfume, I throw rocks. 

Santa Kong - II

While working today, adding value to the bottom line, I saw an advertisement for this on facebook.  I almost fell out of my chair laughing.  Despite not being produced by a Throwing-Rocks family member I figured it was still worthy of a post and a purchase.  

You can pick up your own Santa Kong here.

Because this shirt captures the Christmas spirit at the Shitshow, I throw rocks. 

The (Revolving) Door Code – III

It’s not bad enough that the door code for the front and back doors randomly change without notice, even labs within those walls have door code locks.  However these have their own Shitshow twist.  

So we all know, if you don’t know the door code for the front door you just have to wait until someone eventually opens the doors (of course the time you wait gets charged to the company).   But what about a seldom used lab door code? 

Easy, you just look for the penciled in door code on or near the door.  That’s right, someone always writes the super secret lab door code on the wall next to the lab door. 

Because the writing is on the wall at the Shitshow, I throw rocks.  

Giving Thanks

I’m thankful the Shitshow gives me non-stop entertainment.  I’m thankful Queen Perfume reminds me that my nose works.  I’m thankful King Kong helps his minions keep in shape by making them dodge chairs. 

Because, I could write a post everyday for the rest of my life and not run out of stories, I’m thankful I have rocks to throw.  

Mr. Sunshine on Canvas

Mr. Sunshine just throw an awesome rock! He helped one of the good young talents at the Shitshow get a job at direct competitor.  Surprisingly the competitor isn't a Shitshow, which must be why they are dominating the market.

In celebration, Mr. Sunshine made this for his departing friend, feel free to print it out and hang it in your cube.  Sticking with the sad hearts and the slogan of "living the dream" this is an instant classic.  

Because this image sums up life at the Shtishow, I throw rocks.

We’re Here to Pump You Up

What used to be a descent sized break room, with some vending machines and some chairs is now half the size it used to be, the other half was turned into latest thing for managers to brag about, a gym!

Of course the gym was done in pure Shitshow style. 

The gym is a whopping 10’ x 10’ foot room, with low ceilings.  To maximize this newly reclaimed space, the Shitshow packed so many exercise machines in the room that the walkway around the machines is so narrow only one person can walk in it, if there is another person trying to walk pass you need to either slide in between machines or actually get on one to make room.  

Despite the fact people would be working up a sweat, they only air circulation in the room is a tiny ceiling mounted fan in the corner which you can’t even feel if you’re not right in front of it. 

To help cover any chance of worker lawsuits, in order to use the gym you have to get a waiver from the medical office (assuming you can even find the medical office, and if you do good luck getting there when it’s actually opened), stating you’re in good health and won’t hold the Shitshow responsible for any injuries resulting from using the equipment or any medical complications resulting from exercising. 

Because much like Hanz and Franz, the Shitshow’s attempt to pump you up is a complete joke, I throw rocks.  

Shitshow Characters: Loud Mouth Sally

To continue our Shitshow Character series, this week we present Loud Mouth Sally:

 Loud Mouth Sally– A co-worker who intentionally speaks loudly when others are nearby so they can witness what a "hard worker" she is. To be clear, the Loud Mouth is capable of speaking in a normal tone. She just chooses to speak loudly when it is to her benefit. For example, if someone of important stature is nearby, you will suddenly hear the Loud Mouth raise her tone. She usually does it while bragging to someone on the phone or at her cube about how early she came in, how many hours she has worked this week, or how many assignments she is working on --- all in the hopes that people nearby will overhear this. Even if the conversation she is engaged in is negative, she will use the opportunity to talk over that person and brag about herself. For example, if someone is accusing her of being late on her assignment, she will use the opportunity to brag about how late she worked last night. And because most people aren't loud talkers, people nearby never hear the criticism; all they hear is that she worked late last night.

 One thing is for sure, her strategy to be overheard is effective. I know because it is incredibly difficult to get any work done when Loud Mouth Sally is speaking loudly. It is both annoying and fascinating to listen to all the bull$#!t coming out of her mouth. I'd like to think that people see through her bull$#!t like I do. But since she has already been promoted to a higher position than me, I guess the strategy has been working for her. 

Because self propaganda is a rewarded practice around here, I throw rocks.

Phone Interview

After years of wanting to drive off a cliff on the way to work, today I had what thought might be a sliver of hope, a reason to wake up and go to work, a light at the end of the tunnel, I had phone interview with a non-Shitshow company!  

I was pretty excited; I couldn’t help but start to day dream that this was my chance to get out of the Shitshow.  At 3:30pm I placed the call and to my surprise the functional manager I was to talk answered the phone (at the Shitshow flunktional managers are next to impossible to fine). 

The first question I was asked sealed my fate.  “What part of your current job don’t you like?”  I froze like a deer in the headlights. 

I couldn’t focus.  Flashes of King Kong throwing chairs and screaming at me raced through my head. I could smell Queen Perfume while flashes of her asking me the most idiotic questions.  Thoughts of being forced to follow processes written by new hires which require writing a 20 page report for a 2 page test swirled in my head.  I kept drifting in and out of the HR Twilight Zone where I was being told if I didn’t already work here I’d be the perfect candidate for a position here. 

The manager on the phone sensed my hesitation, eventually I sputtered out, “there seems to be a lot of process red tape which often times makes getting the job done harder than it needs to me.”    The manager responded with “interesting, please tell me more.  My Dad used to work at the Shitshow, I’m really interested in understanding how that place works.” 

The rest of the interview had nothing to do with my skill set or work experience; it was completely focused on the manager trying to understand the incomprehensible nature of the Shitshow.  Of course my explanations only left more questions and made no sense to the outsider which resulted in me being written off as not being able to clearly communicate.  At the end of the interview I was basically given that famous line of “don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

Because the light at the end of the tunnel was nothing more than a train, I throw rocks.  

The (Revolving) Door Code – II

As you may have read in a previous post, the Shitshow loves to secretly change the door combination without telling anyone under the premise that this somehow provides more security. Employees regularly get locked out of their workspaces because nobody tells them the new password in advance.  Well, they've done it again...sort of.

The other day, I came in to work, typed in the door combination, and entered my work area. Just a another typical day, except I had the misfortune of having to eat at the cafeteria because I had to take a short lunch. To get to the cafeteria, I have to go a different way than I normally take, exiting through the back of the building. The food at the cafeteria was actually not that bad that day, so I got a good size portion and something to drink. I never eat at the cafeteria so I don't have to interact with any of the trolls I work with. Instead, I carry my food back to my desk and eat there.

Needless to say, my hands were full. As I walk back to my building, I try entering through the same door I came out of. I enter the door code - doesn't work. I try again, almost dropping my lunch in the process. It still doesn't work. That's odd, I thought. I just entered the building a few hours ago and now the combination isn't working? Suddenly, a light bulb went off in my head. I vaguely remembered someone telling me that they changed the door combination a few weeks ago. I must have ignored them, because the combination never changed on any of the other three doors that I normally use. Could they have changed the door combination on this door only? That wouldn't make any sense. All the doors lead to the same work area. So why would they change the combination on one door and not the rest of them? Because they are the Shitshow, that's why!

After waiting around for a few minutes for somebody to enter/exit, I finally gave up. I walked all the way around the building, cursing the entire way, and re-entered using the regular door code.

Sooner or later I will take the hint that the Shitshow is trying to lock us out, and that is why I throw rocks.

Queen Perfume’s Leave of Absence

The next best thing to Queen Perfume actually getting fired or at least transferred to another program, she recently started a 3 month leave of absence.  At first this made things a lot easier but all good things come to an end.

The first couple weeks of the Queen’s absence were great!  I didn’t have to put up with her overwhelming stench, nor did I have to spend hours trying to explain basic concepts to her only for her to summarize back to me completely wrong.  Of course, you know this story is about to take a turn only possible at the Shitshow. 

Turns out the program the Queen was working as a lead engineer was coming up to a major milestone in a couple of weeks where almost all of her deliverables from the past year were due.  Turns out the Queen didn’t even start any of the work she was supposed to be working on for the last year.  So guess who got to do all of her work?  That right, me! The worst part is, I had to go into her office to look for some files and I could still smell her stink after being gone for about 3 weeks. 

Because there is no escaping the stink and work Queen Perfume leaves behind, I throw rocks.

Shitshow Characters: The Golden Child

Today we add yet another character to the list of Shitshow Characters, the Golden Child. 

Golden Child – Someone the flunktional managers love despite running programs into the ground resulting in outrageous cost and schedule overruns.  The Golden Child excels at creating useless processes and wiki updates which is a highly valued leadership skill at the Shitshow. From project to project the Golden Child continues to get promoted my flunktional manager, without the Golden Child learning any real or even basic skills besides updating the wiki. 

Because fluncktional managers use alchemy when picking team leads, I throw rocks. 

Co-worker Slacker Dilemma

Today I came into work and once again saw my co-worker asleep at his desk.

This is a fairly regular occurrence, though most people don't know about it because of how he does it. First, he sits in a cubicle that is perfectly situated so that people walking by can see neither his face nor his monitor. (Now that's a great cube!) But even more impressive is his unique ability to fall asleep at his desk but appear as if he is still working. He basically sleeps in a sitting-upright position, slightly slouched so that his chin rests on his chest. He keeps his hand on the mouse and makes sure that the screen saver is turned off in case anybody walks up. I have to admit I am quite jealous of his ability to fall asleep so conspicuously.

But I must also admit that I have conflicted feelings about his sleeping at work and getting away with it. One the one hand, props to him for sticking it to the Shitshow and getting paid to do nothing. But on the other-hand, when one person slacks off on a team, someone else usually has to pick up the slack...and I have found out that that person is me! For months, I have been complaining about the number of miserable assignments that I've been getting. Well it turns out that this was no accident.

Recently, an opportunity came up for me to go work for another team. I was eager for the change, but Duckface (my Team Lead) flat out refused to give me up. Why? Because I was the most productive member on the team and he couldn't afford to give me up. As poor of a job as I thought I was doing, I'm apparently the hardest working engineer. I guess it's not that hard to outperform him the guy that sleeps at his desk.

Being labeled "most productive member on the team" is not a label you ever want to be stuck with for several reasons. First, it means you are probably working harder than you're getting pay for. Second, you are establishing a bad precedent that no matter how badly you are treated, you will continue to work hard. And third, you will make yourself "indispensable" to your team, meaning that if a good opportunity ever comes up for you, they will fight tooth and nail to prevent you from getting it. And that is exactly what happened to me.

So the issue remains: do I keep quiet about my sleeping co-worker, or do I rat him out so that I stop getting taken advantage of? This co-worker is an older engineer and has a family to support. To be honest, I couldn't care less. There is really only one thing I do care about: he has always been nice to me. If he was a jerk, I would rat him out in two seconds. But since he's always been nice and has never directly gotten in my way, I will let him continue to count sheep on the clock. Afterall, he's not the problem. Bad management is the problem. They should reward people who get things done and punish those who don't. But since things happen just the opposite around here, props to him for working the system.

Besides, if I ever do get out of there, I'll laugh thinking about how screwed they will be, relying solely on a guy who regularly falls asleep at his desk.

That is how I will my throw rocks.

Happy Halloween from Mr. Sunshine

Mr. Sunshine just sent me this picture!  Once again he captures the spirit on the Shitshow with his sad heart face.

Because the Shitshow sucks out all fun out of Halloween, I throw rocks.

Shitshow Characters: The Wing Nut

To continue out Shitshow Character series, this week we present the Wing Nut:

The Wing Nut – An engineer who knows everything about airplanes. He usually has a Masters degree in Aerospace Engineering, goes to every single air show in a 400-mi radius, and has a pilot's license. He stays up-to-date on aerospace news by reading all the relevant trade magazines and online blogs, mostly on company time. Because of this time-consuming obsession, he rarely gets his actually assignments done on time. Instead, he maintains his job security by forwarding anything he finds interesting (news, upcoming air shows, cool photos, etc.) to his manager, who then forwards these emails to the rest of the engineers, as if they were his own. The Wing Nut is to be envied because he doesn't work hard, has good job security, and most importantly, he actually loves his job.

Because the rest of us have to work harder to pick up the Wing Nut's slack, I throw rocks.

Pumpkin Kong

In the spirit of Halloween and in tribute to none other than my favorite flunktional manager, King Kong, I give you pumpkin kong!

 

Breaking Out

One of the best feelings in the world is one I find out someone at the Shitshow as finally broken out, especially when this person had a promising career if he just stayed put.   Today was a great day….

Early this morning I was talking to one my friends and he said that he was able to find a job up north, requiring him to move.   I was pretty excited, and was even more excited when he mentioned that he’d be leaving the Shitshow industry all together.  I asked what he’d be doing.  At first he was a little reluctant at first but finally told me that we has basically going to become an intern for a technical lawyer.  An intern!  This might be the best “greener pasture” story ever. 

Because becoming the low man on the totem pole is better than wasting your life at the Shitshow, I throw rocks. 

Calling In Sick

When you’re actually sick, the last thing you want to deal with is the Shitshow, but of course you have to call in sick.  Sit back and enjoy this story submitted by a loyal rock thrower reader who has the joy of working in a portion of the Shitshow that has actual shifts.

Every now and then I actually do get sick; according to Shitshow policy I’m supposed to personally tell one of my managers at the beginning of the shift, we’ve been told multiple times leaving a message is not acceptable.  Of course since I work at the Shitshow this becomes a task within itself.

I called first thing this morning and of course my flunktional manager was not in his office so I left a message with the office administrator.   I then called my project manager; of course he was not in the office so I left a message with the projects office administrator.  About 15 minutes later, I called my flunktional manager again and of course still no answer.  Again my call was routed to the office administrator and when she answered she said “why are you calling again, I already got your message.”  I replied that per Shitshow policy I’m supposed to actually talk to my manager and not just leave a message, she said she’d relay the message for me. 

Because when I go to work tomorrow I’m sure to have a memo explaining the calling in sick policy, I throw rocks.  

The (Revolving) Door Code

So the Shitshow has done it again. Every several months or so, the company changes the door combination  to the main access area. This is always fun because of the super cautious way the Shitshow goes about this process.

First of all, it's always a surprise. The Shitshow has policy not to share the door combinations via email for "security reasons." While this sounds secure, I'm pretty sure any burglar could guess the code if they had enough time. But rather than sending out a mass email, they rely on word of mouth. To be specific, managers are forbidden to email the password to their employees and must instead tell them in person. So rather than relying on the most common method of communication that managers use ---email, they rely on using the least common form of communication that managers use ---talking to their underlings.

You can probably guess what happens next. The next day, you come into work and the combination doesn't work. You try it again - it doesn't work. Then you look up and see a sign on the door "Combination has been changed. Please see you manager for the new combination." The problem is that the manager is behind that door. So how can you ask him? You can try calling him (assuming you have his number programmed into your phone), but being that he is a manager, he's likely to be in a meeting anyway.

So you wait there, maybe knock a few times, but the door never opens. You continue to wait there until someone finally comes along that either knows the code or is simply exiting. That's when you grab the door before it closes and pass through. But if you can tailgate behind someone else who has opened the door, then what's the purpose of having a door code in the first place, much less being so cautious when changing it?

Because the secret door code is more secure than my job, I throw rocks.

Lunchtime Hiding

The other day I say an intern eating her lunch in her car.  At first I didn’t think anything of it, but the more I thought about it, the more puzzled I became.  After all, this intern was not socially awkward, she didn’t smell, and she wasn’t a complete idiot. 

After lunch I walked by her desk to ask if she had a good lunch.  She said yes.  I then asked her did she eat it in her car.  After thinking about it for a second she again said yes.  I asked her why, and she responded with:

“First of all, I don’t get paid enough to be able to afford to buy lunch from the cafeteria or to afford going out to one of the local eateries, so I bring my lunch.  Once I took my lunch to the cafeteria but I just got depressed looking at all those lifers basically walking around like zombies.  Then I tried eating my lunch in my office a couple of times but Queen Perfume stopped by both times asking me how something worked.  So now I eat lunch in my car where no one can bug me or where the Queen leaves my cube smelling while I try to eat.”

I’m not sure what’s more disgusting, the fact the intern has to resort to eating lunch in her car, having to smell the Queen while trying to hold down food, or the fact the Queen (a veteran at the Shitshow) is asking a college intern for technical support.

Because eating lunch alone in your car is better then eating it at the Shitshow, I throw rocks. 

Shitshow Characters – The Candyman

To continue our character series, this week we introduce The Candyman:

  The Candyman – An engineer who has solidified his job security by simply having a bottomless bowl of chocolates at his desk for everyone to sample. He replenishes it daily, and people come by his desk from all corners of the building just for the free snack. His job is secure in that every manager knows that if they fired him, they would lose the free supply of chocolate.

Shitshow Characters – The Traitor

To continue our character series, this week we introduce The Traitor:

  The Traitor - An engineer who is just as mistreated and unhappy as everyone else at work, but will never speak up to correct the situation. He pretends that he is happy with his work situation only because he is afraid of getting fired. Even in anonymous surveys, he answers that he is very happy and that there is no need for any improvement. Only if someone else rocks the boat, will he will eventually chime in, but only when it is clear that it is safe to do so. There are often many traitors within an organization.

 For example, let's say the engineers all have horrible chairs that give them back pain. Then one day, management sends out a anonymous survey asking if engineers are happy with their chairs. On this anonymous survey, the Traitorswill vote "Yes, I am very happy with my chair." At the next all-hands meeting, the results of the survey are presented, surprisingly showing that most of the engineers are happy with their chairs. The one engineer who voted that he is "unhappy" with his chair speaks up and explains that he constantly gets back pain. Suddenly, a few other engineers speak up and confirm this. Despite voting that he is "very happy" with his chair, the Traitor will eventually speak up and say that they also get back pain from the chair, but only when several other engineers have spoken up first.

 Because this person is nothing but a traitor who simply goes along with the crowd, I throw rocks at him.

Burning Budget

An important topic that is regularly covered during Ethics Training is "Incorrect Labor Charging". They really emphasize this subject not only because of the consequences, such as fines from the government, but also because it is so tempting for managers to do so.

Management inherently wants to burn budget. It's in their nature. They want employees to charge as many hours as possible to their projects because 1) the company gets more money the higher the costs are (See Cost-Plus) and 2) the more the manager spends, the more he can justify needing a larger budget next year to preserve his micro-empire. But thanks to Ethics Training, managers know that they would be in hot water if they were to ever tell anyone to charge hours inappropriately. So instead they rely on other methods to burn up their budgets.

Almost two weeks after taking the Ethics Training, our Team Manager (Duckface's boss) comes over to yell at me for not charging enough hours to his budget and wanted to know why. I told him I was asked to work on a special assignment for another team and have been using their charge number. The special project was a much better use of my talents compared to the brainless busywork I had been working on, so I was eager to accept.

 He got angry and said "Well our work is just as important! I can't afford to have you working for another team when there's way too much work to be done over here,"

 "Well actually," I told him, "This special assignment hasn't impacted anything. I'm actually ahead of schedule on all of my current assignments because I've learned to manage my time more efficiently"

 "Well, we'll see about that," he said and walked away.

Over the next week, he complained to every manager he could find about how I'm falling behind on my work because of "this special project thing." Two weeks later, I was pulled off the special project to be once again working full-time on brainless assignments that, before,  I was doing in half the time.

So now I have two options: I can finish my assignments early, just to sit there and wait for Duckface to approve them, which he won't until the day they are due. Or I can work slowly, use up all the budget assigned to me, and give it to Duckface for review when he is expecting it. It doesn't matter. Either way, I only have one charge number to charge to and  burn up their budget, and that's all they care about.

Because burning budget is a priority over getting work done,  I throw rocks.

Living the Dream

Mr. Sunshine just sent me his latest tribute to the Shitshow!  At 4ft x 4ft it's his biggest piece yet.  It works on so many levels. I love the sad heart face and the repeated mantra of "living the dream."    Apparently this will be in a major art show at the end of this month.

Because this picture sums up how you feel after working more than one day at the Shitshow, I throw rocks.

1-800-Help-Me

The other night I met a psychiatrist at a friend's get together.  We started talking, and as most first time casual conversations, the topic of where we work came up.  When I told him I worked for the Shitshow, he noticed a concerned look on my face and started asking me questions.

Once he determined that I was stable and non-suicidal, I asked what all of those questions were about.  After a little hesitation he said, “well most of my patients are referrals from the personal 1-800 help line the Shitshow provides to its employees.” I told him I wasn’t surprised and I started telling him tales from the Shitshow. He was the first person I’ve told stories to who wasn’t surprised and didn’t accuse me of making up stories. 

Because psychiatrists make their entire living off the way people are abused at the Shitshow, I throw rocks.  

The Power of Lucite!

When the Shitshow gives out awards, be it at the flunktional level or corporate level, there’s one sure thing you can bet on, the award will be made of Lucite.  Why you may ask? 

Of course, the answer to the question is because it looks futuristic!  For those of you who don’t know what Lucite is, it is nothing more than Pyrex - a type of plastic.   It was invented in 1928 and first sold in 1933, talk about futuristic!    It’s the same material stripper shoes are made out of (or some I’m told), talk about classy!

Even a disgrunteled rock thrower like myself has accumulated my share of Lucite paper weights.  Who knows, maybe I should start throwing Lucite instead of rocks. 

Because every single award from the Shitshow comes with what looks like it’s a piece of Superman’s Fortress of Solitude, I throw rocks.  

Shining Beacon

At one of our last all hands meetings, the Zookeeper was talking about how we all needed to execute on our programs better.  He then went on to talk about one program and how it was a shining beacon. 

Of course the shining beacon is only a light the Shitshow could be proud off.   Not knowing much about the program I looked into the history of it.  Turns out the program is more than 5 years late, it is considered a huge financial loss to the company, and its business model other executives now widely admitted was flawed.  However the Zookeeper couldn’t stop singing it praise and told us that we should look to it as a model of success. 

Because the shining beacon is nothing more than a train at the end of the tunnel, I throw rocks.  

Summer Kong

 I came across this picture on the web and almost fell out of my seat laughing. Because this picture looks like it was taken from last weeks pay your own way, on your own time summer picnic, I throw rocks.

Mr. Sunshine - Shitshow

Mr. Sunshine just sent me his latest tribute to the Shitshow. It was inspired by the styling of Curtis Kulig who I encourage you to Google.  Feel free to print it out on a color printer at work and hang it in your cubical with pride!

Feed the Beast

Today I walked by a fellow rock throwers cube and saw her updating the Wiki.  I thought this was a strange until I looked a little closer to what updates she was actually making.  When saw what she was doing I almost fell over from laughing so hard.

Turns out her new way of throwing rocks is to upload the largest files she can find, including pictures, onto the Wiki.  Given the horrible layout of the Wiki she’s found that it’s useful to make this upload on various pages, after all why leave a broken link when you can leave the actual document.

When I asked her why she was doing this, she replied “I’m feeding the beast until the belly bursts, sometimes that’s the only way to kill it.”

Because my friend is getting her Wiki update credits while throwing rocks, I encourage you all to feed the beast.  

Always on Call

Today's post comes from a guest contributor, who we will call 'Demented':

Working for a defense contractor, some of us get the "privilege" to go out on flight test support. Most people might consider this to be a good thing, and maybe it is the first time you get to do it. The idea of seeing the product you are working on in the field is kind of cool. I got hired on and was told to expect 25% of my time to be in the field for flight test support. Ok I signed on (first job out of college) for the job, but I had no idea what 25% of MY time truly meant.

Within the first week of being with the company, I was told to fly across the country to get trained for flight test. I got to fly out on a Thursday, and when I got there, found out that flight test was canceled for Friday and would resume on Monday. So now I was stuck on the other side of the country for the next week (where I know absolutely no one) and the two guys that were training me took off to see family / friends. I got to spend a weekend in a town with nothing to do but watch T.V. in the hotel room. After that week of training was over, I figured I was good for at least a few weeks before I had to go out again. Boy was I wrong. I got back into town on Sunday, showed up for work on Monday and was told to be at another test site the next day.

The whole travel aspect never got any better, it only got worse from there out. We regularly get phone calls from our lead on Saturday to travel Sunday to support Monday. There is no schedule for who supports what, and when to expect it. We just take our weekend and pray that the phone doesn't ring with a caller ID from who we now call the Dementor. (Because he sucks the happiness right out of the room - Harry Potter Reference).

My favorite last min travel story is when I got a call on Saturday to fly to the East Coast on Sunday. I had canceled my personal plans and booked the flight. The next day, I get on my flight and landed at 10 PM EST. Upon landing, I turned my phone on and got a voicemail time stamped at 3 PM telling me that my trip was canceled and hopefully I hadn't left yet.

Because my boss calls me on Saturday to travel on Sunday, I throw rocks.

Company Fridge – II

As was pointed out in yesterday’s Throwing Mud, the company fridge often times becomes a nightmare of forgotten leftovers and personal items that take on a life of their own.  Well, the Shitshow has a sure fire way to deal with the problem. 

Months ago the local office administrator put a sign on the refrigerator that all food must be labeled with your name and date, if not it would be thrown out at the end of the day.  This reign of refrigerator terror lasted a couple of days until the OA moved onto her next crusade. 

Within days the refrigerator returned to its normal crowded state, and within a month returned to a science experiment in mold.  Mind you the sign threatening daily clean out is still on the fridge. 

I guess someone decided to do some work, because yesterday they cleaned out the refrigerator last night throwing out everything and anything that wasn’t labeled.  How do I know someone cleaned it out?  Because the OA sent out a nasty gram:


I was supposed to take care of our refrigerator in our flunktional area and planned on taking care of it this morning.  I got in this morning and everything was gone.

There are already some very unhappy people now including myself.  I had at least $25 worth of food in there. 

If anyone knows anything please call me.

Because some minion took the law in their own hands resulting in a department wide nasty gram, I’m inspired to keep throwing rocks.  

Would You Like Fries With That?

Today I went to lunch at Mickey D’s.  While I realize this isn’t the best place for my health, sometimes a 10 pc chicken nugget and a caramel sundae helps me make it through another day in paradise.  To my surprise I saw a new addition to McDonald’s, a job kiosk, so I went and checked it out. 

The job kiosk provided a window where anyone could local for job openings at that local McDonald’s, others in the local area and even at corporate.  I typed in a few key words from my recent experience and pressed enter:  0 results. 

I then decided to stretch my experience and typed in management, to my surprise a shift supervisor position was available.  I found a manager behind the counter and asked about the opening. 

Me:  Is that shift supervisor position still open?

Manger:  Yes.  Are you interested?

Me:  Yes, yes I am?

Manager:  Do you have any supervisor experience?
Me:  Well, I’ve lead a team of engineers in a software update.  I’ve also lead shifts at work.  I’m the lead engineer on my current project too. 

Manager:  Ummm, do you have any fast food experreince? 

Me:  Unfortunately no.   

Manager:  Yeah, we’re looking for someone with fast food experience.

Me:  I have an MBA….

Manager:  Uhhhh, like I said we’re looking for someone with more relevant experience.

Because after years of working at the Shitshow, I’m not even qualified to ask “would you like fries with that”, I throw rocks. 

Charge Numbers

While taking the online ethics training a few weeks ago, I came across a section titled "Using Proper Charge Codes". It reminded me what an absurd business environment we work in, where each employee has to allocate each hour worked to a specific "charge code". For those of you that do not know what "charge codes" are, allow me to give you a little background.

When a defense contractor wins a contract from the government, it receives a pool of money to perform that statement of work – i.e. "the budget". In an effort to keep better track of costs, management breaks down this budget into a series of smaller budgets, each having an allocated amount of money and "charge code" assigned to it. It's how management keeps track of their micro-budgets, monitoring how much employees are charging to each charge code until the money runs out.

Charge numbers can be very useful, but too much of anything can also be very bad. On larger programs, management has created so many charge codes (hundreds, if not thousands) that they've completely lost sight of the big picture. They spend most of their day trying to make sense of all these charge numbers – only to end up creating even more charge numbers because they can't understand the current ones. It's a cycle of charge codes that are arbitrarily derived, too narrowly defined, and overlapping in scope with other existing charge numbers.

As a result, tracking costs has essentially become meaningless and there's always confusion as to what employees should charge to.Everyone is affected by it, not just management. There are so may charge codes that it can sometimes take you 30 minutes to fill out your timecard. I'm surprised they don't have a charge number for going to the restroom. The question remains: what do I charge the half-hour to for filling out my timecard?
Because I should have a charge number for filling out my timecard, I throw rocks.

Phantom Award

Every now and then someone gets an award that they actually deserve, but as with anything at the Shitshow the execution is a complete joke.  Set back and enjoy a story sent in from a dedicated rock thrower.

Despite working at the Shitshow, I still take pride in my work.  Often times this means putting in long hours to finish time-sensitive issues.   Not too long ago I put in about a months work of really long hours and hard work to complete a task. 

Weeks later, one of my peers told me congratulations.  I asked what for and he informed me that I had won an award for my hard work over the last month, he told me that it was hanging in the hall where all the flunky program managers sit. 

I thought this was weird since I never received an email and no one from program management informed me of the award but my coworker swore he saw it hanging in the programmer manager hall.   Unfortunately the program office is on the other side of the campus and takes 20 minutes to walk or drive by the time you find a parking spot. 

I didn’t make it over the program office for another week, by that time all of the awards that used to hang in the program office wall of fame, were taken down.  I asked the office assistant where the awards and as I should of expected she had no idea. 

To this day, the only person that has verified that I received this award is my coworker. None of the multiple program managers ever mentioned anything and when I asked my flunktional manager he just looked at me with a blank stare on his face.

Because awards disappear faster than wooden spoons and mac’n’cheese, I throw rocks.

Scarred for Life

The other day I received an email from a fellow rock thrower who moved on to greener pastures over a year ago, we’ll call him Mo.  I was half expecting a general update on how much better life is when you don’t work for the Shitshow; instead I got a chill down the spine. 

From Mo:

You won’t believe this, but it’s 100% true.  The other night I had a nightmare that I was still working in the sewage pump lab.  All the flunkies were there working with me from Bob to Queen Perfume.  Every time I tried to leave, the door just opened back into the sewage pump lab with King Kong yelling at me to get more work done. 

I woke up in a cold sweat.  After waking up I had to get up and walk around for a couple of minutes convincing myself it was just a dream.  It was like have a Vietnam flashback or something like that.

Because even if I do escape, I’ll be scarred for life, I throw rocks.  

The Secret Order of Rock Throwers

The other week a fellow rock thrower and I were taking our daily soda break (just an excuse to go to the break room and tell Tales From the Shitshow) when one of the most respected senior engineers at the Shitshow walked in. 

When he walked in, my friend and I were still laughing at a King Kong story we were just retelling.  Interested in why we were laughing the senior engineer asked what was so funny.  With a little hesitation, and figuring we had nothing to loose, we tested the water and started telling him a toned down King Kong story. 

Without missing a beat the senior engineer said “that’s nothing” and then went on his own five minute rant and rave about his own Tales From the Shitshow and things he’s done to throw rocks.  By the end we were all laughing.

Nearly every day since, guess who just happens to wonder into the break room while we’re on our soda break? That’s right, one of the most respected senior engineers at the Shitshow. 

Because I’m finding fellow rock throwers in the least likely places, I’ll continue to throw rocks.

Free Tickets to a Professional Basketball Game

As mentioned in previous posts, there aren't many perks to being an engineer. You don't get any discounts on cool stuff or free tickets to events. Well, I stand corrected. A while back, some new hires got a "thank you" email in reward for all their hard work. But it was more than just a "thank you". The company was actually offering free box tickets to attend a professional basketball game at the Staples Center!

Sounds great right? Well, it turned out the free tickets were to see...(ahem)... the L.A. Sparks Women's WNBA basketball team. I personally don't know anyone who's paid to see a WNBA game, but okay, at least they were free tickets, right? Well, not exactly.

The email specified that while there were 20 free tickets available to the game, there was only one parking pass. And as we all know, parking can be up to $20. Suddenly, these tickets didn't sound so "free". It gets better.

The free tickets were for a NOON game... on a working day! Because of this obvious conflict, the email was sure to specify that, since it is during a working day, anyone attending would be expected to take their Vacation Time to see the game. Yup, taking Vacation Time to see a WNBA game and paying $20 for parking – what great perks we get from our company.

Because I know there was at least one corporate suite completely empty that day, I throw rocks.

The New All Hands Meeting

Management must have been listening, because they totally reformatted their All Hands Meetings.  No longer does each flunktional manager talk about department news and happenings at the Shtishow, this responsibility, along with the actual work, falls into the hands of college new hires.

  

That’s right, college new hires now talk about new procedures they have created, program status on programs they are the lead engineer, and new business proposals they are busily putting together. 

Anyone with common sense would think that these tasks should be taken on by well respected senior engineers and communicated to the department either by the flunktional managers or the senior engineers.  Not at the Shitshow, apparently all of these tasks have been documented on the Wiki which means any college new hire is able to perform them.   

Because after going to the reformatted All Hands Meeting, I spent the rest of the day reformatting my resume to try to wash the stink of the Shitshow off, I throw rocks.  

Ethics Training II

As previously mentioned in last week's blog post, we had our annual ethics training last week. While the training is ridiculously easy, it's also one of the few trainings the Shitshow takes very seriously. One would think that they would have established a good process for making sure everyone gets their training done on time, perhaps by offering some incentives or heck, they even could have sent everyone an Outlook Reminder. But no, instead they choose to use the most unreliable method of communication available at the Shitshow: an email from Corporate Communications.

Employees of the Shitshow get so many emails from Corporate (like news of some managers promotion or change to sector policy SR-5201) that most employees have set up a rule in Outlook to move all these emails to a spam folder. So it should have come as no surprise that when an "important" email came from Corporate, it wasn't read by half the employees. But of course, management put all their eggs in one basket and when the deadline came around, they were all scrambling to get the rest of the employees to complete the training. What method did they use? Another email of course, except this time they tried to use shame as a tool.

The follow-up email was sent identifying the perpetrators with a message that "if your name is on this list, you have failed to take the training by the necessary deadline. Complete it by close of business today to avoid disciplinary action." Quite motivating, isn't it? Believe it or not, this email didn't solve the problem either.

Now it was time for "disiplinary action". Well, it turns out alot of the employees on the delinquent list just so happened to be among the most productive workers at the Shitshow. Many of them knew they had a training to do, but lost track of time because they were busy doing actual work. So rather than discipline these employees, the managers had to get off their lazy bums and politely ask these employees in person to take the training. And so the question remains: why didn't they just do that in the first place?

Because the Shitshow continues to rely on methods that have failed time and time again, I throw rocks.

A Tale of Two Shirts

Tonight I went to dinner with a good friend who works for a major entertainment company.  Without any coordination we both ended up wearing company shirts, but that’s wear the similarities stopped.

Both shirts were free for volunteering.  I received my shirt to wear at an all day college recruiting event including an info session the night before, while he received his shirt for volunteering a couple hours at a local high school. 

Both shirts had our respective company logo.  My shirt had a screen print with a thick rubber bright white logo that made the shirt heavy and hot.  His shirt had a multicolored embroidered on the left chest and additional stitching on the sleeve.

My shirt was 100% cotton, however it was not pre-shrunk.  His shirt has a preshrunk breathable cotton mesh. 

My shirt was a unisex one-size fits all, while his shirt was sized appropriately for him and he claims they came in multiple sizes including women sizes. 

My shirt received no comments from the waitress while his shirt initiated a 5 minute conversation about the company he works for and how cool his job was. 

Because something as simple as a free shirt reminds me I work at the Shitshow, I throw rocks.   

Ethics Training

Well, it’s that time of year again that we all have to take our Ethics Training. Don’t let the nomenclature fool you. Ethics Training has nothing to do with teaching people ethical behavior. It’s not like they’re teaching employees to respect each other, reward hard work, value each employee, or not stab each other in the back. No, Ethics Training isn’t about that at all.

 As you probably read from prior posts, Ethics Training is  nothing more than a method to shield the company’s liability if its employees do something illegal. In prior years, we had to read some materials and then take a simple 10-questionTrue/False test.  It was so easy you could skip the reading altogether and pass with 100% accuracy.

This year however, they changed the online training so that you can’t skip right to the questions. Instead, you have to watch a dumb video first and it won’t let you fast forward! It’s about an hour long. It begins with our CEO telling us how important ethics training is, followed by a bunch of dumb scenarios and acronyms. I actually don’t remember much.  I was busy catching up on my email as it played in the background until it got to the end so I could take the 10-questionTrue/False test.

When I took the test,  I actually missed one. Not a big deal though  because you have an infinite number of tries.

But how many tries do you need if you get a True/False question wrong? As many as it takes for the company to say they trained you, I guess.

Interns

Most interns at the Shitshow are nothing to write home about.  Some of them really wanted to work at the Shitshow while others take the internship out of sheer desperation.  Needless to say, most are Bob figures in training but every now and then one will surprise me, and on ever rarer occasions two will surprise me. 

Two of the interns at the Shitshow this year are actually still in high school.  Both of these interns received a “scholarship” from the Shitshow through their high school robotics team.  Being the friendly person I am I stuck up separate conversations with them, and to my surprise they both said almost the exact same thing.

After bullshitting with them a little bit I asked if they wanted to continue their internship here during college and work here after they graduated.   Both of them said no way.  That went on to say the only thing they’ve learned from this experience is that they never want to work here. 

 Because there is hope in our younger generation, I throw rocks.  

The Politician in Review

A fellow rock thrower who has known the Politician for years summarized the Politician's story in such a way that when I read it I almost fell out of my chair laughing.  I present to you, from no other than one and only NunnMcCurdy, the Politician in Summary:

The politician is a man not unlike yourself, a work man. You may even say he is a great man. He works at the Shitshow but his boredom has driven him to the brink of insanity so he founded a Tea Party movement to protest big government, high taxes, and wasteful spending. Unaware that his existence at the Shitshow perpetuates the spiral he so detests, he holds countless protests, rallies, and he has even gone as far as to run for public office, albeit unsuccessfully. The true irony of this great man is that not only does he derive his living from high taxes and wasteful spending but so does his wife. He is truly a great, legendary man.

Because the Politician was vowed to run again, I throw rocks.  

The Politician – VI

With the election drawing near, the Politician took a leave of absence from work so he could focus on his campaign.  I don’t know how, but the Shitshow was able to get by without his added intrinsic value.  It was time to hit the streets.

The Politician littered light post and construction fences with his campaign posters.  He continued mailing out flyers bragging about his “accomplishments” at the Shitshow and how he graduated from an elite university.  The politician continued posting to facebook and updating his blog with Mr. Roger style videos explaining his positions.   

The election was drawing near and still noting from his opponent, then the first atomic bomb dropped.  A month or so before the election an article in a local newspaper found some old posts the Politician made online belittling women. 

A couple days before the election the next atomic bomb was dropped.  His opponent sent out a mailer saying “Look inside to see what The Politian has done for your community,” when you opened it up it was completely blank.   I almost fell out of my chair laughing when I opened and read that mailer.  The mailer was accompanied by flyer that stated the long history of public service performed by the Politician’s opponent. 

The day after the elections the results were declared, the Politician suffered a defeating blow.   A week later he was back at the Shitshow talking about how he was once again on the fast track at the Shitshow.

Because the Politician is considered my peer, I throw rocks. 

A New Generation of Rock Throwers

A fellow rock thrower forwarded me this picture to share with all of you.

Because you're never too young to start, I throw rocks.

Fire Alarm Drill - IV

So yesterday, we had another fire alarm drill (See posts Fire Alarm Drill, Fire Alarm Drill II, Fire Alarm Drill III). Well, sort of. The Shitshow was actually testing the fire alarm. This time, they actually gave us a warning in advance. Yup, at around 3pm yesterday, they put up flyers that they'd be testing the fire alarm - at 6pm. Wow - a whole 3hrs advance notice.

Now I never saw this notice because, as a Shitshow grunion, I never actually  leave my desk.  I eat lunch at my desk and choose not to interact with any of the  trolls on my floor. I was planning on working late yesterday (aka writing a new blog post) when suddenly the fire alarm goes off at 6pm. I save my work, collect my stuff, and head down the stairs. This time, I took the fire exit because the last time we had a fire drill everyone walked out the regular exit and we all got chastised.

Then  today as I am leaving work, the inSecurity guard comes up to me and says "Hold on a minute...I've been wanting to talk to you since yesterday. You're not supposed to walk out the Fire Exit when we're testing the fire alarm. I wanted to tell you yesterday, but you were walking so fast, I didn't get a chance to."

This statement is great for some many reasons:
1) Apparently now when I hear the fire alarm, I should ask someone whether it is a real fire, a fire alarm drill, or simply fire alarm testing.
2) The inSecurity guard admitted he was too slow to catch somebody walking to their car. So what's he gonna do when there's actually a real perpetrator fleeing the scene?
3) SEE!!! He does know who I am! They always pretend they don't recognize you when you forget your badge, yet all of a sudden he remembers me?

Because I will continue to use the fire exit no matter what the circumstances are, I throw rocks.

The Politician – V

Last we left off, the Politician was just getting his Tea Party group up and running, of course he was doing all of this while at work.  To my amazement the Politician actually formed a group that had a pretty big following.  He threw a couple rallies and even acted as the keynote speaker for Tea Party convention.  But it was time to move on.

With the momentum of forming his Tea Party group, he decided to resign and run for the state assembly.  He ran the first 6 months of his campaign from his cubical while at work, taking extra long lunches to speak at near my community groups and leaving working early to talk at the local community college.  All of this without having to work extra time to make up for the missed hours or having to take vacation time! 

He continued to rally against government wasted while vowing to keep Shitshow jobs in his district by giving the Shitshow tax breaks and making it easier for the Shitshow to conduct business in the district.  He also bragged about his experience at the Shitshow and the countless number of patents he’s been apart of.  Oddly enough, his opponent did nothing. 

Because for 6 months the Politician ran a full time campaign from his cubical without being questioned why he wasn’t doing any real work, I throw rocks.

Layoffs

Every now and then the Shitshow has to lay off people; I always see this as a time of hope.  Unfortunately I’ve never been lucky enough.   In previous rounds of layoffs you could volunteer to be laid off, well not any more!

Flunktional managers used to love when people would volunteer to be laid off, after all it took away one of there only jobs they had to perform thus their day that much easier.  At first glance you might think that it would be logical to see if anybody wanted to be laid off as it would potentially save the job of someone that actually wanted to stay while giving the volunteer a severance package as a thank you.   So what was the problem?

During the last round of layoffs only the good workers, people who made up the 10% of people who do actual work, volunteered to be laid off.  The flunktional managers were dumbfounded.  After a deep dive on what was going on they realized that these true top performers could easily get a job at any other Shitshow for more money while getting a nice severance package.  On the flip side, all the Bob figures and people like Queen Perfumer were afraid of having to interview at another Shitshow and exposing the fact they were worthless.

So now the flunktional managers actually have to do a little work to determine who to layoff.  Of course this decision isn’t based on skill sets or performance reviews, it’s based on who has a charge number and who doesn’t. 

Because I’m on a project with no end in sight, which means there’s no hope for me to be laid off even if I ask nicely, I throw rocks. 

Happy Anniversary?

Each month the Zookeepers department posts a list in the kitchen area of all the people that are having their Shitshow anniversary.  What is supposed to be a nice little nod to appreciate the minions who actually stick around, has now become a true indicator of how little the flunktional managers actually know who work for them.

This month’s list contained a name of someone who left the company over a year ago!  That right, this person left the company 427 days ago according to the “offline” indicator on Communicator.   If you try to send this person an email it bounces back saying this person cannot be found.  Yet there his name is celebrating yet another Shitshow anniversary. 

Because something as simple as an anniversary list manages to get screwed up at the Shitshow, I throw rocks. 

The Bathroom Dilemma

Since the Shitshow makes us fill out a timecard, I normally don't leave the Shitshow campus at lunch. Taking an offsite lunch hour just means I have to stay at work an hour longer – not fun.  So I usually  take a 15min lunch at the cafeteria, despite the fact that it gives me diarrhea about once a week. I figure it's worth the pain if it means I can leave earlier.

But the other day, I actually decided to meet up with some friends for an offsite lunch. It was the first time in a long time. It was about 11:45am when I realized we were supposed to meet at noon. So I quickly lock my workstation, grab my keys, and walk towards the exit.  Just as I am walking out, I realize that I need to go to the restroom. Could I hold it? Yeah, I probably could. So I did.

I show up at our meeting place, this lousy little Indian restaurant where the stench of curry could be smelled from the parking lot. I greet my friends and order my food, when I realize I'm not gonna be able to hold my bowels for another hour.  I needed to go to the restroom after all. Now a cheap Indian restaurant is probably not the most desirable place to go to the restroom, as you can imagine. I was hoping to hold it until I got back to work. But when you gotta go, you gotta go.

To my surprise, as bad as that restroom was, it was ten times better than the bathrooms at the Shitshow: 1)  it had a lock 2) none of the toilets were clogged 3) the seat wasn't warm from the previous occupant 4) the floors weren't wet and sticky. I don't know what I was so worried about. I guess I has just forgotten how gross the bathrooms at work really are.  For those of you who don't know, here's a reminder: http://www.throwing-rocks.com/2010/09/assembly-line-of-shit.html

Because I'd rather use the restrooms at a hole-in-the-wall restaurant than at my own workplace, I throw rocks.

Contract Oversight - IV

One of the scariest things any program or flunktional manager can imagine is one of their minions transitioning to the dark side and becoming an independent reviewer.  Why would this be so scary you ask?  Because their ex-minion knows all the inner workings of the Shitshow and is now getting paid to point out all the flaws.

The other day, one of these newly converted dark overlords, who was a notorious Bob figure, asked for a particular analysis to be redone.  One of the flunktional managers looked over and said “that analysis was done over a year ago by you, why do you want us to do it again?”  The independent reviewers replied “I know that it was done incorrectly.”

Because ex-Bob figures can make even more money and do even less work by pointing out there own incompetence, I throw rocks.  

Shitshow Characters: the Shitshow Fanatic

As you know the Shitshow has a plethora of characters, from the Nail Clipper to T-Shirt guy.  All of them are entertaining in their own way, but the one I find the most redeeming and entertaining is the Shitshow Fanatic. 

The Shitshow Fanatic is usually a newer hire who believes there is real career opportunity at the Shitshow and that their flunktional manager cares about their development.  Shitshow Fanatics constantly wears Shitshow polo shirts and t-shirts with pride, as opposed to wearing them as a result of poor laundry management skills or as a joke.   In fact they often times swing by the Shitshow company store to look for any new apparel items or any clearance items.   A Shitshow Fanatic’s cubical is decked out with program posters, commemorative pins, “performance” awards, and Shitshow training completion certificates.

But hope is not lost.  Much like a caterpillar turning into a beautiful butterfly, given enough time Shitshow Fanatics become fellow rock throwers.  While posters and certificates are still hung, they are now hung as a reminder of the joke they represent. Shitshow shirts are still worn but only because all of the other laundry is dirty. 

Because even Franz Kafka would be surprised how much the Shitshow changes people, I throw rocks.

Shitshow Parking Lots 101

As always, the Shitshow has your safety at the top of its priority list.  Nothing shows this more than the thoughtfully crafted corporate memos sent out from the safety alliance team.   Sit back and enjoy the latest safety memo on Parking Lot safety….

                                                                                         

What might you find in a Shitshow parking Lot?

You might find cars, trucks, motorcycles, pedestrians, deliver trucks, forklifts, and carts.   There might also be trains, Shitshow product in storage, Shitshow products being moved, and fences.  Sometimes you’ll find water, snow, ice, and potholes.

 What do people do in Parking Lots?

People are arriving to work while others are leaving work.  Some people are walking to their cars while others are walking from their cars.  People are also talking to others in the parking lot, talking on their cell phones, or working. 

What is the Shitshow Doing?

Each site varies but all have posted speed limits and designated cross walks. 

What are you Doing?

Focusing on the complex inner-workings of the dynamic environment.  Keeping safety first while picking up the slack of people not focusing on the parking lot. 

Because when I read this memo to my 5 year old she just looked at me, rolled her eyes, and said “sheesh daddy, I know”  I throw rocks.  

Goggles

I always have a hard time explaining to non-Shitshow employees what it really feels like to work at the Shitshow.  From trying to explain King Kong, to Bob, to the lab to nowhere, to the Wiki, I usually get nothing but blank stares.  That problem ends today!

Wasting my day away at work by surfing the web, I found a webpage that gives you the ability to see things through Shitshow goggles. 

Just follow this link, Shitshow-Goggles, to see the world through the Shitshow.

Because every time I read something on the wiki, this is how I see the world, I throw rocks.   

The Story of Jim Jacobs

Jim Jacobs was a young engineer who had been working at the Shitshow for eight years. During this time, he had worked on all sorts of projects, got two Masters degrees in the process, and went on a rotation assignment. Yet despite all this, he never really moved up in the company. No matter what he did, he always seemed to end up back where he started. To add to the irony, he changed cubicle locations five times over the years, only to end up back in the original location. (Just goes to show you how useless these periodic "synergy moves" are)

Jim Jacobs also had the same flunktional manager since day one, who he affectionately nicknamed Billbert. Billbert was a stereotypical functional manager – he was broad-shouldered, stocky and tried hard to act like he was your buddy whenever you ran into him. The problem was he did absolutely nothing to help your career. But he was a great bullshitter and giver of false hope. Each year, he would tell Jim that he was "one of our top young guys" and would make an "excellent candidate for a leadership position someday." Of course, that day always seemed to be another year away.

As time went by, Jim began to notice that Billbert not only had no career plan for him, but at times didn't seem to remember who he even was. On a few occasions, Billbert passed him in the halls and called him "Jacob." But the icing on the cake came on hi birthday about a year ago. What happened on this day would forever prove whether Jim's career was on Billbert's radar at all.

That morning, Jim Jacobs came in with coffee in hand, sat down, and opened up his email. The first unopened message was a happy birthday email from Billbert. (Apparently, Billbert had read in some book that managers should remember their employees' birthdays.) Not being the most technologically savvy, Billbert had set up an Outlook Reminder and then just forwarded it to Jim. So the happy birthday email Jim received was actually a forwarded Outlook Reminder with an attachment in it titled "Jim Jacob's Birthday". But the absolutely best part of this story was that Billbert actually took the time to edit the message just before sending it – adding a short, personalized message: "Happy Birthday, Jacob!"

Jim quit shortly afterward and is currently working at a different company.

Because this story is absolutely true (only the names have been changed), I throw rocks.

Happy 4th from Mr. Sunshine

Mr. Sunshine just sent me his latest piece of "artwork," inspired by Jasper Johns. This is his response to the generic faux sentimental mass email sent out each year from one of the head hanchos at the Shitshow claiming how the Shitshow embodies the meaning of the 4th of July.

Because the 4th makes going to work on the 5th that much harder, I throw rocks.

Paradise

Yesterday I was walking in a cheap souvenir store when I saw the following decoration for sale.  I was going to buy it for my cubical then realized I worked for Shitshow which meant I couldn't afford this sign on my salary.

Because another day in Paradise, is Paradise Lost, I throw rocks.

King Kong Chat on FB

As I’ve mentioned before, King Kong tries to be that cool boss by Friending his employees on Facebook. Well one of his ex-employees, who recently moved to greener pastures, emailed me the following FB chat he had with Kong:

King Kong:  How is your new job?

Me: Unlike my old job I like it and don’t feel sick when I drive into work

King Kong:  That’s good

Me:  How’s the Shitshow? 

King Kong:  What?

Me:  How’s the Shitshow?

King Kong:  What is the Shitshow:
Me: http://www.throwing-rocks.com/

King Kong: What’s this?

Me:  King Kong, out!

He then unfriended King Kong and signed out. 

Because ex-employees continue to throw rocks at King Kong, I’m inspired to throw rocks.