What do the following occupations have in common: doctor, lawyer, financial advisor, plumber, policeman, or car mechanic? They are all someone you want to be friends with because they can do you favors or give you free advice. It actually benefits you to be friends with them. In contrast, engineers don’t offer anything to their friends or loved ones. There is a common myth that engineers can do technical things like fix a computer or build a new kitchen, but that sad myth is soon exposed, prompting common phrases like "How many engineers does it take..." or "You’re an engineer, you should be able to figure it out." Sadly, the only entity to which the engineer has anything to offer is the company he works for.
One day, however, I got a phone call from a friend who wanted to apply for a job at the Shitshow, and being that I work there, was wondering if I could give him an internal referral. I told him that if he really wanted to work here despite everything I’ve told him, I would make it happen. After all, I do work here.
Finally, I had something to offer!!! I got off the phone and immediately went to the internal career website and looked up the job position he was seeking. In the job posting, there was a job description, location (Los Angeles), and send application button. That’s it. It did not tell me: which program they were hiring for, who the hiring manager was, or who to contact for more info about the position. You would have thought the internal website would have a little more to offer. Nope! The internal website was exactly the same as the external website. Regardless, I tried submitting his resume and got an error message – "Referral Failed. Call Human Resources"
Now that’s as broad a term as you can get. It’s like telling someone to "Call Engineering". Which Human Resources was I supposed to call? I didn’t even know what program or sector this is position is for! So I called the Shitshow Human Resources "hotline". After being bounced around several times, I finally found someone willing to speak with me. She told me that I could not submit his resume because he "was already in the system." Basically, if someone has applied to a job, any job, at the Shitshow within the past year, he can no longer be referred. "Ok fine," I told her. "Can you at least give me the name of the hiring manager or what program the position is for?" She said she was not authorized to tell me that, but could give me the name of the recruiter…in Kansas!
That’s right. The recruiter, for a Los Angeles job that for all I know could be in the same building as me, was based out of Kansas. I called him the next day and gave him the good ole boy talk, telling him about how long I have been at the Shitshow, how perfect this candidate was, etc. (He really was one of the smartest, hardest working people I have ever met, would have been a great contributor at the Shitshow) Just when I thought I was making progress with the recruiter, he tells me that he’s not allowed to tell me what program the job is on or who the hiring manager was. He told me that the best way for my friend to get a job…was to go to the external career site and apply online himself. And so I told my friend to do just that. And boy, did I feel worthless...
Because I can’t even get a qualified candidate hired at the Shitshow, and because I have nothing to offer my friends and loved ones while working at the Shitshow, I throw rocks.
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