Most Lakers fans out there are familiar with Dr. Jerry Buss since he owns the team but I bet most of them aren't familiar with how he acquired the wealth to purchase an NBA franchise. After reading Jerry Buss's biogrpahy, I felt that his was worthy of a post. So check it out......Jerry Buss got his PhD from USC in Physical Chemistry and went to work for TRW which is now modern day Northrop Grumman. Apparently, he worked there for several years and became rather frustrated with the red tape there and declared the place a Shitshow and started doing real estate deals over the phone all day at work. You see when you work at a Shitshow, it is easy to run your own business out of your cubicle since no one knows or cares what you do on a daily basis. So apparently, after a while Jerry Buss was doing so many real estate deals, he quit the Shithow and started his own real estate company and the rest is history. I mean, he made enough money to buy the LA Lakers and he probably sleeps on a bed stuffed with 100 dollar bills and 4 Victoria Secret models. Usually the Shitshow gets the best of people and sucks the youthful exuberance out of them and makes them 100 pounds overweight and mindless robot zombies, but not Jerry Buss.....he got the last laugh.
A true inspiration to us all.
Becuase I havent figured out a way to take advantage of the Shitshow like Jerry Buss, I throw rocks.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
PK'd
Often times individuals at the Shitshow are so memorable and such a flunkie that their name becomes common usage to describe certain things. For example, the act of doing nothing at work is referred to as “Bobing it up” while the act of loosing your temper is referred to as “going off King Kong style.”
However, the most common term used is PK’d. PK is an old timer in the test group. Part of the test groups responsibility is to run long test (sometimes day’s long) and then save the data after the test is complete. Sometimes this data is digital, sometimes it’s physical. But it’s safe to say, if PK was in charge of the data, it will be lost resulting in the entire test needed to be run again.
PK’d now refers to anything that was lost or never materialized. If someone leaves the company for greener pastures they PK’d the Shitshow. If your functional manager tells you about a promotion that should be coming but it never does, you got PK’d by the shitshow. If you remove a “friend” from Facebook, you PK’s that person.
Because PK’d has entered my lexicon, I throw rocks.
However, the most common term used is PK’d. PK is an old timer in the test group. Part of the test groups responsibility is to run long test (sometimes day’s long) and then save the data after the test is complete. Sometimes this data is digital, sometimes it’s physical. But it’s safe to say, if PK was in charge of the data, it will be lost resulting in the entire test needed to be run again.
PK’d now refers to anything that was lost or never materialized. If someone leaves the company for greener pastures they PK’d the Shitshow. If your functional manager tells you about a promotion that should be coming but it never does, you got PK’d by the shitshow. If you remove a “friend” from Facebook, you PK’s that person.
Because PK’d has entered my lexicon, I throw rocks.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Sinecure
I randomly came across a word the other day that accurately describes management at the Shitshow.
Sinecure - (noun) 1. A position or office that requires little or no work but provides a salary.
Flunktional Managers are a prime example. Their #1 responsibility is to manage the career development of their engineers. Since they only talk to their engineers about twice a year -- and even then its rush, rush, rush to meet the performance review/goal setting deadlines, it's safe to say they don't push much effort into this. In fact, it's safe to say flunktional managers only put in about two weeks of work per year for managing employee career development - one week to "set employee goals"and one week for "performance review" --- 2 weeks total for all engineers.
This "work" simply consists of chasing down engineers and reminding them to go into the system and set their own goals before the deadline - from a list of company approved goals, most of which are mandatory for everyone. They will even meet with you, but only if you request to have a meeting. Later in the year, when the performance review dealine is coming up, there is a rush to complete those. Managers speak to the Lead and IPT Lead, ask if they remember anything about what the engineers did that year (which they don't), then go back to their desk Copy/Pasting performance evaluations from one employee to another, or the Copy/Pasting the same performance review from last year, with such outdated phrases as "Jack is one of our top young guys and should be prepared for a leadership role" despite Jack having worked at the Shitshow for 10yrs and having two kids already. Finally, they meet with you for 10min to tell you that you've been doing well, attempt to give you hope for actual career development next year, and ask you to sign the performance review document.Then its back to the golf course.
But the granddaddy of all sinecures is the Flunktional-Manager-Manager (the functional manager...of the flunctional managers). The Flunktional-Manager-Manager essentially has the same responsibility as the functional managers, except that rather than having to "manage" 30-50 employees, he has to manage....5 employees ! ... (the flunktional managers). This useless position was created as a result of past program growth where too many management positions were created but never eliminated (see "An Abundance of Dunces" post). And it never will be, not until he gets promoted.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
You know you work at a Shitshow when.....
Much like Jeff Foxworthy's "you know youre a redneck when", I have come up with a sure fire checklist to determine whether you work at a Shitshow or not.....
You know you work at a Shitshow when..........
1.) You regularly atted Configuration Control Board (CCB) Meetings
2.) You have multiple Quality Assurance (QA) organizations
3.) Your company has mandatory online training modules that you have to take annually
4.) Your bosses include: functional and program management, IPT leads, team leads, deputy leads, and contractors who dont even work at the Shitshow.
5.) You have daily status emails to brief management who is too lazy to attend normal status meetings.
6.) You regularly use the phrase "lets lean out the process"
7.) You have process documents that state things like "ensure all stake holders attend a peer review"
8.) Your department does a Re-Organization every 6 months
9.) You have performance reviews that state "you need to align your personal goals with those of the company"
10.) You have more management figures than people doing work
You know you work at a Shitshow when..........
1.) You regularly atted Configuration Control Board (CCB) Meetings
2.) You have multiple Quality Assurance (QA) organizations
3.) Your company has mandatory online training modules that you have to take annually
4.) Your bosses include: functional and program management, IPT leads, team leads, deputy leads, and contractors who dont even work at the Shitshow.
5.) You have daily status emails to brief management who is too lazy to attend normal status meetings.
6.) You regularly use the phrase "lets lean out the process"
7.) You have process documents that state things like "ensure all stake holders attend a peer review"
8.) Your department does a Re-Organization every 6 months
9.) You have performance reviews that state "you need to align your personal goals with those of the company"
10.) You have more management figures than people doing work
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The Art of Scheduling
Ever wonder why projects go over schedule? A common excuse is that there were "unforeseen circumstances" and "complications". The real reason is because project schedules are often doomed from the get-go. Here’s a typical example:
Last year, a Subprogram Manager (The Mayor) came up with a mandate to reduce costs through a special Cost-Reduction Project (CRP) with an unrealistic target completion date. If it succeeded, he would be sure to impress Program Management and likely get a promotion. If it failed, the “Cost-Reduction Project” would become a “Cost-Addition Project” because of all the downstream problems that result from it not being completed in time.
When the Mayor assigned the project to my team, the IPT Lead (Duckface) had an opportunity to be the voice of reason, to knick this in the butt before it spirals out of control. “No problem!” he said. Of course, when Duckface asked me (the guy doing the work) how long it would take, I told him the truth:
- Me: “Six months, at best. More likely, seven.”
- Him: “Really? Ugh…How about four? Maybe you could work overtime”
(Knowing that it still wouldn’t get done even if I did work overtime, I had to figure out a clever way to tell him that overtime wouldn’t work)
- Me: “I don’t think so. I think over-working employees can actually reduce efficiency. Plus, I plan on taking a big vacation next month.”
- Him: “Oh, c’mon…You’re young, you can work an extra 10-20 hours a week for the next four months, right?”
- Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m trying to tell you as best I can, that I really don’t think it will get done in 4 months.”
(Translation: You’re headed for disaster. Grow a pair and tell your boss that there’s no way we can meet this crazy schedule)
- Him: “And I’m trying to tell you as best I can, that you need to consider how much overtime you put in before you ask me to approve any vacation plans.”
And he walked away.
So let's review: I warn Duckface that he shouldn't place all his bets on me getting it done or he will likely fail. He tries to "motivate" me by threatening to deny my vacation, then proceeds to place all his bets on me getting it done. Now that’s effective project management. Funny thing is, I don’t even have any vacation plans.
Because I am threatened with punishment for trying to tell the truth, I throw rocks.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Do Not List Bureaucracy
If you are every lucky enough to find a job outside of the Shitshow you are given a chance to throw rocks when you fill out your resignation paper work. I haven’t been lucky enough to actually see this form, but people moving on to greener pasteures have passed the word back to me.
On the form there is a write in box asking why you are leaving the company. However, in the directions for that box it clearly states “Do not list bureaucracy.”
Let’s review some of the bureaucracy at the Shitshow:
-flunkitional managers get to make up processes based on their mood
-new hires write processes that become ill formed laws
-you enter the Twilight Zone when you deal with HR
-people are required to take laptop safety training when they don’t even have a laptop
-credit card bills go months without being paid because King Kong can’t sign a paper
-when applying for an internal job you have to take a “structured interview”
-you need to get functional manager permission to charge overhead
-you need to get functional manager permission to charge overtime
-you’re not allowed to move your own phone or computer because of union rules
The list could go on and on.
Because when you’re leaving the Shitshow you’re not allowed to list bureaucracy as a reason for leaving, I throw rocks.
On the form there is a write in box asking why you are leaving the company. However, in the directions for that box it clearly states “Do not list bureaucracy.”
Let’s review some of the bureaucracy at the Shitshow:
-flunkitional managers get to make up processes based on their mood
-new hires write processes that become ill formed laws
-you enter the Twilight Zone when you deal with HR
-people are required to take laptop safety training when they don’t even have a laptop
-credit card bills go months without being paid because King Kong can’t sign a paper
-when applying for an internal job you have to take a “structured interview”
-you need to get functional manager permission to charge overhead
-you need to get functional manager permission to charge overtime
-you’re not allowed to move your own phone or computer because of union rules
The list could go on and on.
Because when you’re leaving the Shitshow you’re not allowed to list bureaucracy as a reason for leaving, I throw rocks.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Shitshow Circle Jerk
One of the things that truly amazes me is the event I like to call the Shitshow Circle Jerk. This can be thought of in terms of our political process where politicians simply sit around and praise and compliment each other for the "great jobs" they are all doing and they all just return compliments to each other over and over again. Let me give an example, in my current lab there is a project lead and functional management who oversaw a large program with a budget of $5 million dollars and a schedule of 6 months to complete. The project took 1.5 years to complete and upwards of $15 million dollars which most people would consider to be a total failure. As it turns out, the same project lead and functional management are now in charge of a new program that is turning out to be equally as screwed up and over budget. Instead of finding the real causes of the problems, the functional management and project lead sit in meetings and make comments to each other like "these new processes have really streamlined the project" and "your execution of the project is fantastic and lean" when in reality it is a total train wreck. I like to call this the Shitshow Circle Jerk which is when functional and project management sit around and volley praise and compliments back and forth to each other for no apparent reason but to flatter each other. These people often get promoted and are thought of as "experts" when in reality they are the same people who have screwed up projects over and over again for decades.
Isnt the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Apparently this is not true at the Shitshow. Instead of rewarding people who execute to cost and schedule the Shitshow simply rewards people who flatter management and Circle Jerk each other.
Because the Shitshow is doomed to an eternity of failure and terrible management is forever entrenched, I throw rocks.
Isnt the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Apparently this is not true at the Shitshow. Instead of rewarding people who execute to cost and schedule the Shitshow simply rewards people who flatter management and Circle Jerk each other.
Because the Shitshow is doomed to an eternity of failure and terrible management is forever entrenched, I throw rocks.
Employee Retention Policy (Part 2)
One of the common myths that new hires have is that their pay is somehow related to performance. Empirical evidence has shown that how much you make is simply a result of how much you came in at. Basically, it is all based on the amount of salary you negotiated when you first got hired. If you happened to have figured out what market salaries were at the time and the company was in desperate need of you, you may have gotten yourself a sweet deal. But if you didn’t have these two pieces of information, chances are you got screwed. Your young, naïve negotiating skills were no match for the ruthless Human Resources and Hiring Managers, who convinced you they are doing you a favor by giving you an offer, any offer.
In due time, the underpaid employee will realize he is underpaid. So management will temporarily alleviate his concerns by giving him slightly higher raises so that he can “catch up,” throw him an extra 0.5% here and there. The employee will be encouraged, and thus work harder so that he can get a higher raise again next year.
The only problem is, mathematically, you can never catch up. You would need to get at least triple the raise that everyone else gets to ever catch up. Of course, that will never happen because they don’t want you to catch up. You’re the best deal in town. You work hard and they aren’t paying you shit. “Best piece of ass in Tijuana, and it’s only $10 bucks.”
Eventually, however, all these hard working engineers realize they’re underpaid. Management sees the gig is up and encourages these employees to find another job offer so that they can give them "a good counteroffer" (see previous posting called Employee Retention Policy). Of course, when they do find a new job, they take it. And this time they make sure that they get hired in at a high salary.
But not everybody leaves the Shitshow. Because an employee retention policy that encourages high performers to leave will encourage certain others to stay. Who? The grossly overpaid and the grossly underperforming, of course. (See postings about Bob) Why would they leave? They have the Shitshow by the balls. But somebody’s gotta do the actual work. So once again, the Shitshow needs to go find some more new hires. Repeat cycle.
Because the Shitshow only employs the overpaid and the incompetent, I throw rocks.
In due time, the underpaid employee will realize he is underpaid. So management will temporarily alleviate his concerns by giving him slightly higher raises so that he can “catch up,” throw him an extra 0.5% here and there. The employee will be encouraged, and thus work harder so that he can get a higher raise again next year.
The only problem is, mathematically, you can never catch up. You would need to get at least triple the raise that everyone else gets to ever catch up. Of course, that will never happen because they don’t want you to catch up. You’re the best deal in town. You work hard and they aren’t paying you shit. “Best piece of ass in Tijuana, and it’s only $10 bucks.”
Eventually, however, all these hard working engineers realize they’re underpaid. Management sees the gig is up and encourages these employees to find another job offer so that they can give them "a good counteroffer" (see previous posting called Employee Retention Policy). Of course, when they do find a new job, they take it. And this time they make sure that they get hired in at a high salary.
But not everybody leaves the Shitshow. Because an employee retention policy that encourages high performers to leave will encourage certain others to stay. Who? The grossly overpaid and the grossly underperforming, of course. (See postings about Bob) Why would they leave? They have the Shitshow by the balls. But somebody’s gotta do the actual work. So once again, the Shitshow needs to go find some more new hires. Repeat cycle.
Because the Shitshow only employs the overpaid and the incompetent, I throw rocks.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Bring your Child To Work
For whatever reason, the Shitshow likes to celebrate national and worldwide movements on its own schedule despite what the rest of the world does. For example the Shitshow celebrated Earth Day an entire week after the rest for the Earth.
The best one so far this year was Bring Your Child to work day. Instead of celebrating this day on April 22 like the rest of the United States, the Shitshow decided to move this out a couple of weeks. Guess when the Shitshow moved it to? The week all the elementary schools were taking mandatory state testing! Just to make sure you’re clear, the Shitshow planned multiple events and encouraged employees to bring their kids to work on a day when most kids had to take mandatory state testing.
If you didn't work for the Shitshow you might be asking "how could this be?" After all, mandatory test dates are published well in advance and are easily accessible. Well, when you take into account all the flunkies and Bob's at the Shitshow it shouldn't be a surprise.
Because the Shitshow is surprised when there is a low turn out for their Bring Your Child to Work day because of mandatory state testing, I throw rocks.
The best one so far this year was Bring Your Child to work day. Instead of celebrating this day on April 22 like the rest of the United States, the Shitshow decided to move this out a couple of weeks. Guess when the Shitshow moved it to? The week all the elementary schools were taking mandatory state testing! Just to make sure you’re clear, the Shitshow planned multiple events and encouraged employees to bring their kids to work on a day when most kids had to take mandatory state testing.
If you didn't work for the Shitshow you might be asking "how could this be?" After all, mandatory test dates are published well in advance and are easily accessible. Well, when you take into account all the flunkies and Bob's at the Shitshow it shouldn't be a surprise.
Because the Shitshow is surprised when there is a low turn out for their Bring Your Child to Work day because of mandatory state testing, I throw rocks.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Corrective Action Board
One of the things at the Shitshow that blows my mind is the concept of the Corrective Action Board. In theory, this is a great concept which states that when we have problems we investigate them and put corrective and preventative measures in place to remedy the situation. Like I said......In theory this stounds great but there is a problem. Odds are, some flunky like King Kong or the Zookeeper is in charge of the CAB board and they put new hires out of college in charge of leading up the root cause investigations. Almost 99% of the time, the new hires dont have the experience or the knowledge to perform a value added investigation and really understand the situation.
Let me give you an example, one time I worked on a project where some hardware got wired incorrectly and a corrective action board investigation was performed to understand what happened and how it could be prevented in the future. You guessed it, a new hire worked the issue and completely botched the whole investigation. First of all, the new hire did not even go to talk to the people involved, instead he listened to the second hand account of what the flunctional manager told him. After his investigation, I saw a copy of his power point and could not even believe what I was seeing. One of the root causes for the miswiring was not using the "two man rule" when we had 3 people double check the wiring. It was just simply human error. Another root cause was identified as "not having hardware quality present" even though they were there as part of the two man rule. You get the idea. Maybe if he would have talked to some of the people who worked on the project, he would have picked up on some of these key details but instead he listened to flunctional management. Then this new hire flunky goes and presents his moronic findings to high level management who will implement corrective action that is completely wrong. What a colossal waste of company resources.
Here's a good idea...They should do a corrective action board investigation for why the Shitshow is such a mess.
Because the Shitshow cannot even understand the root causes of why it is a Shitshow, I throw rocks.
Let me give you an example, one time I worked on a project where some hardware got wired incorrectly and a corrective action board investigation was performed to understand what happened and how it could be prevented in the future. You guessed it, a new hire worked the issue and completely botched the whole investigation. First of all, the new hire did not even go to talk to the people involved, instead he listened to the second hand account of what the flunctional manager told him. After his investigation, I saw a copy of his power point and could not even believe what I was seeing. One of the root causes for the miswiring was not using the "two man rule" when we had 3 people double check the wiring. It was just simply human error. Another root cause was identified as "not having hardware quality present" even though they were there as part of the two man rule. You get the idea. Maybe if he would have talked to some of the people who worked on the project, he would have picked up on some of these key details but instead he listened to flunctional management. Then this new hire flunky goes and presents his moronic findings to high level management who will implement corrective action that is completely wrong. What a colossal waste of company resources.
Here's a good idea...They should do a corrective action board investigation for why the Shitshow is such a mess.
Because the Shitshow cannot even understand the root causes of why it is a Shitshow, I throw rocks.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Body Language
(As mentioned in the previous post "The Real Matrix", every engineer has three bosses: Lead, IPT Lead, and Functional Manager)
While I interact regularly with my Lead, I occasionally get the pleasure of interacting with my IPT Lead: Duckface. You see, because of Matrix Management, Duckface's opinion of me matters alot, since his direct feedback goes into my performance review. But even though he sits twenty feet away, Duckface has no idea what I do, as he never comes by my desk...ever.
So if I want him to know that I actually accomplished something, I have to swing by his desk and tell him. And boy is that fun, because each time I approach him with "Can I talk to you for minute?" Duckface gives me a look like I just told him that he is being audited by the IRS. He puckers his lips out (like a duck), closes his eyes, and starts rubbing his forehead profusely. "(Sigh) Sure..." he says.
I could be telling him that I just corrected a mistake that would have cost the team $1 million, it doesn't matter. Because the entire time I'm talking, he has his eyes closed and his puckered face in his hands, as if he is counting how long it will be before I finish. When I do, he simply says "Is that it?" I confirm. "Oh, okay", he says, "well, thanks for doing that." And he swivels back around in his chair, back to work on whatever he was doing before I interrupted. Now keep in mind, this happens every time I go see Duckface. That's what we call 'positive reinforcement' at the Shitshow.
Because the Shitshow promotes people who actually hate human interaction to positions of leadership, I throw rocks
Saturday, June 12, 2010
King Kong and the Expense Report
In several of my previous posts, I wrote about what a complete and utter joke the expense reimbursement process is at the Shitshow. So the other day I got a nastygram email from some moron in HR saying I had "outstanding expenses that havent been paid" and if I dont pay soon "there will be sanctions and penalties on my expense account"........whatever the hell that means. Anyways, so I go to talk to the office assistant who is in charge of this and told her that I filed a expense report in August of 2009. Yes......that's not a typo........August of 2009 and my expense report is still not paid. How can this be? So the office assistant looks into the computer system and sees that the expense report was sent to my manager 3 times over the last year for approval and was never signed. You guessed it- King Kong. So keep in mind over the course of the year, interest and late fees have been accumulating on my corporate card all because King Kong forgets to sign it. You figure with all the email reminders, he would remember. Wrong. We're talking about King Kong here. He's too busy expressing primordial rage or surfing the internet for new crown moulding for his rennovation of his house.
Because my manager cant even remember to click one mouse button to approve an expense report over the course of a year, I throw rocks.
Because my manager cant even remember to click one mouse button to approve an expense report over the course of a year, I throw rocks.
Business Development and the value of an MBA
The other day I ran into an old functional manager, Chris, who finally had enough with the Zookeeper. After switching departments a couple of times he ended up in Business Development. I was pretty excited to hear this since I just completed my MBA not too long ago. Looking for an opportunity to move out from King Kong’s area I asked Chris if there were any openings in the business development group. I added that I just received my MBA. Then the reality of the Shitshow sunk in.
Chris looked at me funny and asked, “MBA? Really?” I confirmed that was what I said. Chris had this puzzled look on his face and said “an MBA wouldn’t be useful for Business Development.”
I was in utter shock. A Masters in Business Administration where students take classes on how to analyze new business opportunities and classes on how to perform competitive and strategic analysis to beat competitors in products would not be useful within the business development function at the Shitshow.
Because my MBA has no value at the Shitshow, even within the business development function, I throw rocks.
Chris looked at me funny and asked, “MBA? Really?” I confirmed that was what I said. Chris had this puzzled look on his face and said “an MBA wouldn’t be useful for Business Development.”
I was in utter shock. A Masters in Business Administration where students take classes on how to analyze new business opportunities and classes on how to perform competitive and strategic analysis to beat competitors in products would not be useful within the business development function at the Shitshow.
Because my MBA has no value at the Shitshow, even within the business development function, I throw rocks.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
The Zookeeper Just Laughs
The other day at yet another status meeting King Kong started to get mad at our very own NunnMcCurdy. Apparently King Kong was getting upset that Nunn asked for help from the Zookeeper and his animals then pointed out that after days of asking for the same help no action was taken.
In a matter of no time King Kong went into his typical primordial rage, getting red in the face, yelling at the top of his lungs, and spitting when he tried to communicate. King Kong was so upset Nunn was afraid he might throw a chair (see King Kong goes wild on the Commander).
In an attempt to throw rocks, Nunn went to the Zookeeper to let him know that King Kong was going wild yet again. You would think the Zookeeper would show concern and try to reign in King Kong, WRONG! Instead the Zookeeper laughed about it and said “that’s King Kong for you.” He then went on to tell Nunn "you're being too sensitive.”
Because the Zookeeper just laughs when King Kong goes wild, I throw rocks.
In a matter of no time King Kong went into his typical primordial rage, getting red in the face, yelling at the top of his lungs, and spitting when he tried to communicate. King Kong was so upset Nunn was afraid he might throw a chair (see King Kong goes wild on the Commander).
In an attempt to throw rocks, Nunn went to the Zookeeper to let him know that King Kong was going wild yet again. You would think the Zookeeper would show concern and try to reign in King Kong, WRONG! Instead the Zookeeper laughed about it and said “that’s King Kong for you.” He then went on to tell Nunn "you're being too sensitive.”
Because the Zookeeper just laughs when King Kong goes wild, I throw rocks.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Earned Value
One of the things at the Shitshow that makes me want to dance on a mine field is the implementation of earned value accounting. Here is a definition of Earned Value Accounting from Wikipedia "is a project management technique for measuring project progress in an objective manner. EVM has the ability to combine measurements of scope, schedule, and cost in a single integrated system. When properly applied, EVM provides an early warning of performance problems. Additionally, EVM promises to improve the definition of project scope, prevent scope creep, communicate objective progress to stakeholders, and keep the project team focused on achieving progress."
This sounds great in principle but the problem is that when you get some flunky like King Kong (or the Zoo Keeper) who cant tell the difference between their asses and a hole in the ground determining the earned value milestones and how many man hours it should take to complete a task, the metrics become worthless and tell you nothing about the overall progress of a program.
What is amazing is that every program or project that I work on is always significantly over budget but they let the Zookeeper and King Kong continuously bid the projects and determine the earned value metrics. It's like Planet of the Apes. The same flunkies who screw up over and over again are always put back in charge with "corrective action" to prevent budget overruns in the future but that never works.
Because I spend all day performing worthless tasks for the sake of poorly thought out earned value that adds no value to the overall product, I throw rocks.
This sounds great in principle but the problem is that when you get some flunky like King Kong (or the Zoo Keeper) who cant tell the difference between their asses and a hole in the ground determining the earned value milestones and how many man hours it should take to complete a task, the metrics become worthless and tell you nothing about the overall progress of a program.
What is amazing is that every program or project that I work on is always significantly over budget but they let the Zookeeper and King Kong continuously bid the projects and determine the earned value metrics. It's like Planet of the Apes. The same flunkies who screw up over and over again are always put back in charge with "corrective action" to prevent budget overruns in the future but that never works.
Because I spend all day performing worthless tasks for the sake of poorly thought out earned value that adds no value to the overall product, I throw rocks.
The Perks of Knowing an Engineer
What do the following occupations have in common: doctor, lawyer, financial advisor, plumber, policeman, or car mechanic? They are all someone you want to be friends with because they can do you favors or give you free advice. It actually benefits you to be friends with them. In contrast, engineers don’t offer anything to their friends or loved ones. There is a common myth that engineers can do technical things like fix a computer or build a new kitchen, but that sad myth is soon exposed, prompting common phrases like "How many engineers does it take..." or "You’re an engineer, you should be able to figure it out." Sadly, the only entity to which the engineer has anything to offer is the company he works for.
One day, however, I got a phone call from a friend who wanted to apply for a job at the Shitshow, and being that I work there, was wondering if I could give him an internal referral. I told him that if he really wanted to work here despite everything I’ve told him, I would make it happen. After all, I do work here.
Finally, I had something to offer!!! I got off the phone and immediately went to the internal career website and looked up the job position he was seeking. In the job posting, there was a job description, location (Los Angeles), and send application button. That’s it. It did not tell me: which program they were hiring for, who the hiring manager was, or who to contact for more info about the position. You would have thought the internal website would have a little more to offer. Nope! The internal website was exactly the same as the external website. Regardless, I tried submitting his resume and got an error message – "Referral Failed. Call Human Resources"
Now that’s as broad a term as you can get. It’s like telling someone to "Call Engineering". Which Human Resources was I supposed to call? I didn’t even know what program or sector this is position is for! So I called the Shitshow Human Resources "hotline". After being bounced around several times, I finally found someone willing to speak with me. She told me that I could not submit his resume because he "was already in the system." Basically, if someone has applied to a job, any job, at the Shitshow within the past year, he can no longer be referred. "Ok fine," I told her. "Can you at least give me the name of the hiring manager or what program the position is for?" She said she was not authorized to tell me that, but could give me the name of the recruiter…in Kansas!
That’s right. The recruiter, for a Los Angeles job that for all I know could be in the same building as me, was based out of Kansas. I called him the next day and gave him the good ole boy talk, telling him about how long I have been at the Shitshow, how perfect this candidate was, etc. (He really was one of the smartest, hardest working people I have ever met, would have been a great contributor at the Shitshow) Just when I thought I was making progress with the recruiter, he tells me that he’s not allowed to tell me what program the job is on or who the hiring manager was. He told me that the best way for my friend to get a job…was to go to the external career site and apply online himself. And so I told my friend to do just that. And boy, did I feel worthless...
Because I can’t even get a qualified candidate hired at the Shitshow, and because I have nothing to offer my friends and loved ones while working at the Shitshow, I throw rocks.
One day, however, I got a phone call from a friend who wanted to apply for a job at the Shitshow, and being that I work there, was wondering if I could give him an internal referral. I told him that if he really wanted to work here despite everything I’ve told him, I would make it happen. After all, I do work here.
Finally, I had something to offer!!! I got off the phone and immediately went to the internal career website and looked up the job position he was seeking. In the job posting, there was a job description, location (Los Angeles), and send application button. That’s it. It did not tell me: which program they were hiring for, who the hiring manager was, or who to contact for more info about the position. You would have thought the internal website would have a little more to offer. Nope! The internal website was exactly the same as the external website. Regardless, I tried submitting his resume and got an error message – "Referral Failed. Call Human Resources"
Now that’s as broad a term as you can get. It’s like telling someone to "Call Engineering". Which Human Resources was I supposed to call? I didn’t even know what program or sector this is position is for! So I called the Shitshow Human Resources "hotline". After being bounced around several times, I finally found someone willing to speak with me. She told me that I could not submit his resume because he "was already in the system." Basically, if someone has applied to a job, any job, at the Shitshow within the past year, he can no longer be referred. "Ok fine," I told her. "Can you at least give me the name of the hiring manager or what program the position is for?" She said she was not authorized to tell me that, but could give me the name of the recruiter…in Kansas!
That’s right. The recruiter, for a Los Angeles job that for all I know could be in the same building as me, was based out of Kansas. I called him the next day and gave him the good ole boy talk, telling him about how long I have been at the Shitshow, how perfect this candidate was, etc. (He really was one of the smartest, hardest working people I have ever met, would have been a great contributor at the Shitshow) Just when I thought I was making progress with the recruiter, he tells me that he’s not allowed to tell me what program the job is on or who the hiring manager was. He told me that the best way for my friend to get a job…was to go to the external career site and apply online himself. And so I told my friend to do just that. And boy, did I feel worthless...
Because I can’t even get a qualified candidate hired at the Shitshow, and because I have nothing to offer my friends and loved ones while working at the Shitshow, I throw rocks.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Flunky See, Flunky Do
Basically everything done at the Shitshow makes little to no sense and adds little value to our end product. I have spent many hours thinking about our various nonsensical processes and the way the Shitshow conducts business and it literally leaves me scratching my head trying to make sense out of the madness. I mean for example, we write some retarded document that no one uses or reads which may lead me to ask the question "why do we even write this document if no one ever uses it" and some flunky will give me the response "well, we've always done it this way"......
After years of thinking about this, I have come to realize there is no logical reason why we do most of the things we do on a daily basis at the Shitshow. It's just that people have been doing the same thing for years and they learned that from people who were doing the same thing for years and it is a never ending flunky cycle. Much like "monkey see, monkey do", this is "flunky see, flunky do". If any of these people had any brains, they would question why they do things like this, but if they do, the Functional Management will immediately criticize them for "refusing to follow process" and this leads to nothing ever changing at the Shitshow.
Because my coworkers are a bunch of process programmed flunky androids who lack the capacity for independent thought, I throw rocks.
After years of thinking about this, I have come to realize there is no logical reason why we do most of the things we do on a daily basis at the Shitshow. It's just that people have been doing the same thing for years and they learned that from people who were doing the same thing for years and it is a never ending flunky cycle. Much like "monkey see, monkey do", this is "flunky see, flunky do". If any of these people had any brains, they would question why they do things like this, but if they do, the Functional Management will immediately criticize them for "refusing to follow process" and this leads to nothing ever changing at the Shitshow.
Because my coworkers are a bunch of process programmed flunky androids who lack the capacity for independent thought, I throw rocks.
Queen Perfume
There is one Shitshow router that I feel the need to introduce, Queen Perfume. If you’ve read the post about Shitshow routers, the example given is about her. The reason Queen Perfume needs special introduction is because she’s a special class of flunky, she’s half Shitshow router and half Bob like.
Not only does she just route other people's information to higher ups, she is never around. She shows up to meetings late and leaves after ten minutes (if she shows up at all) on topics she should own. She “works” from home every Friday, and she never shows up afterhours even if by her role on the program she is the right person to be showing up. Instead I get to show up, and pick up all her crap. Her direct program manager even asked me for help because Queen Perfume wasn’t around and he didn’t trust her technical ability to be able to address her own problem. I reported this to another program manager, in an attempt to throw rocks, and the next day he lectured me about being a team player. It was like I was in Planet of the Apes.
To top this off, she douses herself in foul smelling perfume which lingers behind everywhere she has been. Not to long ago, I thought I smelled Queen Perfume around, but she wasn’t in her office. I decided to follow the direction of the scent to track her down. Like a basset hound I was able to follow her perfume trail to the conference room where she was in a meeting.
Because I can follow the scent of Queen Perfume, and get lectured about being a team player when I point out I’m doing her work, I throw rocks.
Not only does she just route other people's information to higher ups, she is never around. She shows up to meetings late and leaves after ten minutes (if she shows up at all) on topics she should own. She “works” from home every Friday, and she never shows up afterhours even if by her role on the program she is the right person to be showing up. Instead I get to show up, and pick up all her crap. Her direct program manager even asked me for help because Queen Perfume wasn’t around and he didn’t trust her technical ability to be able to address her own problem. I reported this to another program manager, in an attempt to throw rocks, and the next day he lectured me about being a team player. It was like I was in Planet of the Apes.
To top this off, she douses herself in foul smelling perfume which lingers behind everywhere she has been. Not to long ago, I thought I smelled Queen Perfume around, but she wasn’t in her office. I decided to follow the direction of the scent to track her down. Like a basset hound I was able to follow her perfume trail to the conference room where she was in a meeting.
Because I can follow the scent of Queen Perfume, and get lectured about being a team player when I point out I’m doing her work, I throw rocks.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
The Young and the Talented 2
In my day to day experiences at the Shitshow, it never amazes how management thinks up new ways to under utilize people's skills. One of my coworkers is a very intelligent engineer with two degrees from an Ivy League school and not too long ago, he was sold on a new job assignment at the Shitshow as being "a good career path" by functional management. As it turns out, he showed up to his first day of his new assignment and his job was to use a digital multimeter and measure the resistance of wiring to make sure it was within operating specifications. Keep in mind that he did this 8 hours a day.....everyday. Dont get me wrong. This is a job that needs to be performed but by an engineer with a Master's from the Ivy League? Give me a break. This should be performed by a technician making minimum wage. Needless to say, this engineer has left the company for greener pastures after less than 2 years working at the Shitshow.
Because highly educated people's skills go unused and they become dumber with every passing day at the Shitshow, I throw rocks.
Because highly educated people's skills go unused and they become dumber with every passing day at the Shitshow, I throw rocks.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
King Kong and the Zookeeper
So the other day at the Shitshow, I was in a meeting with about 10 people and King Kong was one of them and he went off in his usual primal rage and screamed his lungs out at me in front of a group of people for no apparent reason. Being that this is about the 15th time this has happened this month, I decided to go to King Kong's manager's manager who apparently has an "Open Door Policy"......from here on out, he will be called the Zookeeper since its his job to keep King Kong, and the other animals, under control.
So I walk in the Zookeeper's office and immediately notice Jack Welch (former CEO of General Electric) books on display. How he gag vomit if he saw how the Zookeeper managed his group of flunkies but thats a topic for another post. So I walk in and ask to talk to him and explain the situation of King Kong erupting into primal rage all the time at me and how I think its unprofessional and it creates a hostile work environment. The next thing that happens is the Zookeeper starts laughing and literally says this, I shit you not, "well thats King Kong for ya".......are you kidding me? I almost fell out of my chair. So I told him that I dont think a manager yelling at an employee in front of an audience of people is a laughing matter and he told me that I am being "sensitive" and then asked me "what do you want me to do about it?"......
At this point, I am utterly speechless and am wondering how this flunky became a department manager but I guess he just out flunked the other flunkies to the top. The Zookeeper then proceeded to tell me stories about how some program manager from some program dropped an F bomb at a meeting with him once and how he dealt with it. If only Jack Welch could see the Zookeeper now.
Because my manager is a total flunky with anger management issues and his manager, the Zookeeper, is an even bigger flunky, I throw rocks.
So I walk in the Zookeeper's office and immediately notice Jack Welch (former CEO of General Electric) books on display. How he gag vomit if he saw how the Zookeeper managed his group of flunkies but thats a topic for another post. So I walk in and ask to talk to him and explain the situation of King Kong erupting into primal rage all the time at me and how I think its unprofessional and it creates a hostile work environment. The next thing that happens is the Zookeeper starts laughing and literally says this, I shit you not, "well thats King Kong for ya".......are you kidding me? I almost fell out of my chair. So I told him that I dont think a manager yelling at an employee in front of an audience of people is a laughing matter and he told me that I am being "sensitive" and then asked me "what do you want me to do about it?"......
At this point, I am utterly speechless and am wondering how this flunky became a department manager but I guess he just out flunked the other flunkies to the top. The Zookeeper then proceeded to tell me stories about how some program manager from some program dropped an F bomb at a meeting with him once and how he dealt with it. If only Jack Welch could see the Zookeeper now.
Because my manager is a total flunky with anger management issues and his manager, the Zookeeper, is an even bigger flunky, I throw rocks.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Employee Retention Policy
Gregory was an ambitious young engineer who recently got his Masters degree at a prestigious university. He was already highly regarded by his team as a high performer. Management might even have referred to him as "one of our top young guys". Like all high performers at the Shitshow, Gregory eventually realized that he was severely underappreciated. After years of hard work, initiative, and out of the box thinking, he had nothing to show for it. Not only was he grossly underpaid, he wasn't getting any real benefits either: no career development, no leadership opportunities, no creative assignments, no training that would give him actual skills, and of course, no formal recognition that would make him noticed by Upper Management. All he ever really got were good performance reviews, which somehow never got reflected in his pay raises. He always got verbal promises of being "taken care of" in the future, which always seemed "just one more year" away.
After years of broken promises, Gregory finally grew a pair and stormed into his Functional Manager's office. He demanded more money because, by golly, he actually deserved it. To his surprise, his Functional Manager actually agreed with this assessment. He couldn't argue. Indeed, Gregory was a very high performer and severely underpaid compared to everyone else. The Functional Manager told Gregory to give him a few days and that he will see what he can do. A few days later, he called Gregory into his office and told him there was one way to get more money: Get another job offer.
GET ANOTHER JOB OFFER?!?! That was the suggestion. As if that were not blatantly obvious already, his own company was telling him their official policy was to tell him to look for other jobs, and that once he found one, then maybe they could match the offer and give him fair pay. All the hard work and initiative that Gregory had demonstrated over the years meant absolutely nothing. "That's just how these big corporations work," they told him. It's as if your girlfriend told you that the only way you can get her to marry you… is to find another girl who will marry you.
So for several excruciating months, Gregory busted his ass looking for other jobs. It wasn't fun. He stayed up late, researched companies, sent out resumes, and prepared for interviews. He eventually got a good job offer. Needless to say, he took it. Did the Shitshow actually think that after several months of strenuous job searching, he would accept a counteroffer from the very company that caused him all that unnecessary pain? Apparently, they did. So much for the Shitshow's ingenious plan on keeping around good employees.
Because the only way to get more pay is to go astray, I throw rocks.
After years of broken promises, Gregory finally grew a pair and stormed into his Functional Manager's office. He demanded more money because, by golly, he actually deserved it. To his surprise, his Functional Manager actually agreed with this assessment. He couldn't argue. Indeed, Gregory was a very high performer and severely underpaid compared to everyone else. The Functional Manager told Gregory to give him a few days and that he will see what he can do. A few days later, he called Gregory into his office and told him there was one way to get more money: Get another job offer.
GET ANOTHER JOB OFFER?!?! That was the suggestion. As if that were not blatantly obvious already, his own company was telling him their official policy was to tell him to look for other jobs, and that once he found one, then maybe they could match the offer and give him fair pay. All the hard work and initiative that Gregory had demonstrated over the years meant absolutely nothing. "That's just how these big corporations work," they told him. It's as if your girlfriend told you that the only way you can get her to marry you… is to find another girl who will marry you.
So for several excruciating months, Gregory busted his ass looking for other jobs. It wasn't fun. He stayed up late, researched companies, sent out resumes, and prepared for interviews. He eventually got a good job offer. Needless to say, he took it. Did the Shitshow actually think that after several months of strenuous job searching, he would accept a counteroffer from the very company that caused him all that unnecessary pain? Apparently, they did. So much for the Shitshow's ingenious plan on keeping around good employees.
Because the only way to get more pay is to go astray, I throw rocks.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
An Abundance of Dunces
One thing that I love about the Shitshow is that when a program is growing, new layers of management are created so that inept managers can keep getting promoted. But when a program is shrinking, the level of managers stays about the same. Rather than simply fire the incompetent managers and keep the good ones, management creates several different strategies to keep themselves around.
Strategy #1: Promote yourself to some sort of sector level position, that way your job is not dependant on one program. There are clever ways to do this, just as long as you can attach yourself to a position where you can talk about things “at a sector level.” Even if you are just forwarding emails, now you are forwarding emails “at a sector level”
Strategy #2: Take on a dual role. Rather than just being a Functional Manager, offer to be Functional Manager/IPT Lead. You’re so good, you can do the work of two people!! In reality, taking on a dual role isn’t more work because Functional Managers don’t do anything anyway.
Strategy #3: Come up with a new process tool, then force everyone to use it. Once they do, you can make the argument that the new process tool is the most important, crucial element of the entire program. Without it, without you, we’d be lost. You can police everyone and make sure they are using the tool, make monthly progress reports on tool usage, notify people when the tool is down or being upgraded, etc. Get the tool implemented “at a sector level” and you’ve got it made!
Note: Make sure you don’t give any credit to the engineer who actually designed the tool and made it work, since all you know is how to check email on your Blackberry.
Out all of these strategies, you can only hope that your inept manager will take Strategy #1 because Strategy #2 and #3 will just create more work for the engineer. Obviously, Strategy #3 will create yet another useless process tool that will only take away time from the real work that the engineer needs to get done. With Strategy #2, the overburdened Manager/IPT Lead will delegate most of his work to the Lead, who will do it because they want to get promoted to IPT Lead. As a result, the Lead has no time to help the engineer or fill him in on anything. Thus, a lot of your work will be spinning wheels trying to figure out what to do exactly and why.
Because the best case scenario to get rid of an inept manager is to promote him, I throw rocks.
Strategy #1: Promote yourself to some sort of sector level position, that way your job is not dependant on one program. There are clever ways to do this, just as long as you can attach yourself to a position where you can talk about things “at a sector level.” Even if you are just forwarding emails, now you are forwarding emails “at a sector level”
Strategy #2: Take on a dual role. Rather than just being a Functional Manager, offer to be Functional Manager/IPT Lead. You’re so good, you can do the work of two people!! In reality, taking on a dual role isn’t more work because Functional Managers don’t do anything anyway.
Strategy #3: Come up with a new process tool, then force everyone to use it. Once they do, you can make the argument that the new process tool is the most important, crucial element of the entire program. Without it, without you, we’d be lost. You can police everyone and make sure they are using the tool, make monthly progress reports on tool usage, notify people when the tool is down or being upgraded, etc. Get the tool implemented “at a sector level” and you’ve got it made!
Note: Make sure you don’t give any credit to the engineer who actually designed the tool and made it work, since all you know is how to check email on your Blackberry.
Out all of these strategies, you can only hope that your inept manager will take Strategy #1 because Strategy #2 and #3 will just create more work for the engineer. Obviously, Strategy #3 will create yet another useless process tool that will only take away time from the real work that the engineer needs to get done. With Strategy #2, the overburdened Manager/IPT Lead will delegate most of his work to the Lead, who will do it because they want to get promoted to IPT Lead. As a result, the Lead has no time to help the engineer or fill him in on anything. Thus, a lot of your work will be spinning wheels trying to figure out what to do exactly and why.
Because the best case scenario to get rid of an inept manager is to promote him, I throw rocks.
"Help Needed"
One of the things that I hate worst at my Shitshow job is when people ask me "do you need help" or "is help needed". In theory, this sounds fantastic. Think about it.....if someone is late or struggling, the logical thing to do would be to ask them what they need help with to get back on track, but of course thats only theory. In my current lead role, we are significantly behind schedule (par for the course at the Shitshow) and management constantly asks me "what help is needed" and I respond with the following:
- Non-new hire employees
- Employees experienced in what we are doing
- More computers
- More senior engineers and subject matter experts
- A realistic schedule and deadlines
Of course, when I ask management for these things, they tell me they will work on it but they never do anything about it. To add insult to injury, they will literally ask me every day, make me hold status meetings, and send out daily email all concerning "help needed". After dealing with this utter nonsense for months on end, one begins to lose his goddamn mind and start responding to management with phrases such as "the help needed has been the same for two weeks, do something about it" or "who cares, youre not going to give me the help I need anyways." Phrases such as this, while 100% accurate and true, do no go well with the management, as one can imagine.
This dog and pony show of help needed is just so when the shit hits the fan, management can point fingers every which way and say "we asked him everyday what help he needed" and try to place blame elsewhere. Another popular manager phrase is to say "you were not vocal enough when asking for help needed", but I would send 10 emails a day and leave countless voicemails.
Because when I ask for help functional management spits on my ass without the courtesy of even calling it rain, I throw rocks.
- Non-new hire employees
- Employees experienced in what we are doing
- More computers
- More senior engineers and subject matter experts
- A realistic schedule and deadlines
Of course, when I ask management for these things, they tell me they will work on it but they never do anything about it. To add insult to injury, they will literally ask me every day, make me hold status meetings, and send out daily email all concerning "help needed". After dealing with this utter nonsense for months on end, one begins to lose his goddamn mind and start responding to management with phrases such as "the help needed has been the same for two weeks, do something about it" or "who cares, youre not going to give me the help I need anyways." Phrases such as this, while 100% accurate and true, do no go well with the management, as one can imagine.
This dog and pony show of help needed is just so when the shit hits the fan, management can point fingers every which way and say "we asked him everyday what help he needed" and try to place blame elsewhere. Another popular manager phrase is to say "you were not vocal enough when asking for help needed", but I would send 10 emails a day and leave countless voicemails.
Because when I ask for help functional management spits on my ass without the courtesy of even calling it rain, I throw rocks.
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