A Call To Arms

Dear Loyal Throwing-Rocks readers,

We'd like to take a moment and thank you for your loyal following and words of praise for our website. It brings us joy to know that so many people are taking pleasure from our misery. But we do have one important thing to ask of you:

If you enjoy reading Throwing-Rocks, then please...SPREAD THE WORD!

As you know, we all have jobs and must therefore remain anonymous. As a result, the only way we can get more readers is by WORD OF MOUTH. If you want to continue to read about our stories at the ShitShow, we need YOU to help raise awareness. Tell your family, co-workers, and friends about www.throwing-rocks.com

Sincerely,

The Throwing Rocks team

P.S. Also, we want to hear from you.

If you have stories you want to share about your life at the Shitshow, send them to us at janserclub@aol.com

King Kong Increases his Territory

In a move that defies all logic, the Shitshow is expanding the number of minions who report to King Kong.  That’s right, they guy who:

-threw a chair at the commander   

-screams at meetings for no reason

-can’t sign an expense report 

-only got a job at the Shitshow because of his dad

-parties like a rock star

-and has multiple formal HR complaints against him

is now in charge of even more people at the Shitshow.   I know of at least one person who has said she is already looking for a job at another company because the Zookeeper decided to make this change. 

Because King Kong is receiving even a bigger enclosure to run wild in, I throw rocks.  

Shitshow Characters: The Nail Clipper

There are alot of oddballs in the field of engineering and nowhere is that more evident than at the Shitshow. There are so many engineers that are completely oblivious to the social norms of society that I have begun to categorize them. You see, it's not just one individual on one team. These sociopaths are everywhere, on every team. It's an epidemic from which there is no escape. Take the Nail Clipper, for example.

The Nail Clipper is an engineer who refuses to do his personal hygiene at home, thus clips his fingernails at his desk. The way he sees it, "Why clip your nails at home when you can get paid to do it at work?" Adjacent co-workers must succumb to the horrible sound of nail clipping and be alert of potential fingernail clippings that may whiz by. The Nail Clipper is usually a foreigner. He may also clip his toenails on occasion.

The worst part about nail clipping is how loud it is. You can usually hear a Nail Clipper up to five cubicles away, even when you're listening to your headphones. When I was a naive young new hire, I used to sit next to a Nail Clipper who would cut his fingernails every two weeks like clockwork. When I changed teams, I remember thinking that I would finally get some peace and quiet. Sadly, I was only to be seated across the wall from two Nail Clippers who would often clip nails in tandem. It was if one reminded the other that it was time to clip nails again. They were like dueling banjos!

Because over time, the sound of nail clipping can be as annoying as the sound of nails on a chalkboard, I throw rocks.

Checks

Despite having automatic deposit set up, every now and then the Shitshow feels the need to send a physical check for some reason or the other usually for an accounting error on their part.  The latest check the Shitshow sent me is for a whopping 16 dollars!  While not that much money, it might pay for two domestic beers at the upcoming holiday party.  Why they can make bi-weekly deposits directly into my checking account but must manually process a 16 dollar check, I’ll never know but I’m sure at least one Bob figure was involved in the chain of events somewhere. 

Here’s the kicker.  The checks the Shitshow sends out are not readable by any of those new ATMs that automatically read checks for deposits.  So now to get my 16 dollars from the Shitshow I’m going to have to go into the bank, fill out a deposit slip, and wait in line…all and all it will be a good 15 minute process.

Now you might think that my rocks should be aimed at the bank in this case but that would be equivalent to treating the symptom as opposed to treating the disease.  The fact the Shitshow can make bi-weekly deposits into my checking account but can’t do the same for an extra 16 dollars is just mind blowing and what needs to be addressed here.   

Because even automated tellers can’t understand the Shitshow, I throw rocks.  

Walk This Way

Well, winter weather is upon us.  Luckily the Shitshow sent out a company wide memo on how to be prepared for winter weather while walking.   Believe it or not, this is the advice the Shitshow felt necessary to give out to all of its employees:

1. Dress appropriately.  If it’s cold wear a jacket and dress in layers, wear bright colors so you can be seen at night
2. Wear good shoes.  Make sure your shoes have good traction
3. Try not to walk through puddles or on ice patches because you might slip
4. If you can’t avoid slippery surfaces, walk carefully over the slippery surface
5. If you walk through puddles or snow, wipe off your feet before walking on waxed floors

I almost fell out of my chair when I read this memo.  The sad thing is this is welcomed information for people like Bob and Queen Perfume.  Hopefully one of the new hires posts this to the Wiki for easy access in the future.

Because the safety advice the Shitshow gives me is the same advice I give to my 3 year old, I throw rocks.

Internal Careers Website

As mentioned in the posts The Perks of Knowing an Engineer and Easy as if you never worked here, the internal careers website is cruel joke used to make engineers think that they have an inside track to internal job postings. The internal website is no different than the external website available to any outsider, nor does it provide any more information other than the vague jargon posing as a job description.

Sadly, these vague internal job descriptions are intentional. The Shitshow doesn't want people knowing what team the job is for or who the hiring managers actually are. Apparently, they are worried that if they disclosed such trivial information that it might increase nepotism within the company. Plus, it might actually allow good candidates to get past the recruiters who don't know anything, and we wouldn't want that would we?

After they've sent dozens of resumes into the black abyss, most engineers don't even bother to check the internal careers website anymore . Add that to the fact that many job openings never make it to the website because they get filled behind the scenes by one of the hiring manager's cronies anyway. Can you say nepotism?

But sometimes a hiring manager doesn't have a crony in mind for a job opening and he is forced to seek outside candidates. A few weeks ago, a hiring manager from one of the other teams put up a job posting to hire a new functional manager. The job description was so vague and difficult to find that it got a grand total of...two applicants. Since the hiring manager didn't know who these applicants were, he threw those applications in the trash almost immediately. He then mosied on over to my functional manager and asked "Do you have any guys in your team that might be interested?" Naturally, my functional manager said "Uh..I don't know. Maybe one of my brown-nosing leads will be interested."

And so they told this no-good brown-nosing lead about the job opening and nobody else. Now this lead couldn't manage a lemonade stand, yet he was the only person that knew about the job. And so he applied for it and got the job on the spot.

Yup, sounds like they really found a way to prevent nepotism. Prevent anyone from knowing anything about job openings except managers that are already in power and their cronies.

Because by trying to eliminate nepotism, they make it worse, I throw rocks.

Holiday Parties

It’s that time of year again, time for holiday parties!  For those of you at non-Shitshow companies you’re probably looking forward to these parties.  In fact your parties actually resemble those depicted by Hollywood - people having a good time, unlimited supply of drinks, significant others are more than welcome, and it wouldn’t be too hard to believe a Santa Clause at the party handing out presents to the little ones. 

At the Shitshow, holiday parties are yet another way the Shitshow adds to the holiday depression rate.  First off employees are only allowed to go to one Holiday party at the discounted holiday rate of $5 to $20.  That’s right, they must choose between program parties and functional parties.  Secondly significant others are welcomed but they must pay full price which for a cheaper party cost $50.   While there might be alcohol, it is made very clear that the bar is a no host bar meaning the employees will be paying $10 for a beer if they want one.  To add insult to injury, the food at Home Town Buffett is better than the food served at the party.   That’s right, significant others who pay $50 or more end up with overcooked fish or dried out chicken.   Not to mention, if you do decide to pay to go the party you’ll be hanging out with the likes of the Zookeeper, King Kong, flunkies galore, Queen Perfume and Bob figures who come out of the woodwork to “socialize.”   Lastly, most of these parities occur during working hours when you’re expected to return to work after the party.  And of course, you’re not allowed to charge company time to attend a company holiday party, instead you are expected you work extra hours or use vacation time.  

Because Charlie Brown can plan a better Christmas party, I throw rocks.

Twenty-five percent

This past weekend I was at a birthday party where I stuck up a conversation with a truly enlightened fellow.  When we first started talking he asked where I worked, I told him the Shitshow and he started laughing. I asked him what was so funny and he said that we used to work at the Shitshow until he decided to be become a freelance worker in the entertainment industry.  He told me that was the best decision he ever made even though it meant not knowing when or how long his next job would be.   Much like the garbage man, the Jack In the Box workers, and the radio show callers his story was a very inspirational.   

This guy definitely learned from his experience in the entertainment industry because he ended the conversation on a high note.  He asked me how many people work at the Shitshow these days.  I tried to give him a ballpark figure and he just looked at me and said “back in the days when I worked at the Shitshow if someone asked me that question I would answer with about 25%” 

Because 25% isn’t a joke, I throw rocks.

Change Board - II

As mentioned in the previous post titled "Change Board", the change process has become something of a kangaroo court hearing. In a kangaroo court, one of the most important things is to show the court its proper respect. Even if you're completely innocent and there is no evidence against you, the court will throw your butt in jail (even if they know you're innocent) just for not following proper protocol. Such is the Change Board, where the engineer trying to prove the necessity of a change is like a wrongfully accused defendant trying to use logic to prove his innocence. It's a lost cause when all they respect is someone who knows how to work the system.

I actually have to hand it to Duckface, the IPT Lead, who beat the Change Board at their own game the other day. Last week, Duckface sent one of his engineers to the Change Board requesting that three simple changes be made to one of our products. The changes were not approved because there is some ridiculous Change Board rule that if a change will cost more than X dollars, it needs special approval from Program Board - the Supreme Kangaroo Court of Change Boards!

Upon hearing the news that his changes got rejected, Duckface went back to Change Board the next day to plead his case personally. He wanted to avoid going to the Supreme Kangaroo Court and the additional red tape it would cause. His argument was that each of the changes cost less than X dollars, therefore the rule did not apply. But since he was asking for the three changes all at once, the Change Board counted it as one big change.

"Fine," said Duckface, "Then I'll just have them each approved individually. Let's approve the first change now. I'll come back tomorrow for the second and after tomorrow for the third." And he succeeded, getting all three changes approved without having to go to the Supreme Kangaroo Court. "That's bullshit" said one of the members of the Change Board, but he knew they were defeated. They were beaten at their own game.

But really, nobody won. We're just a bunch of idiots, happy that we spent $10 rather than $15 on a job that should have only cost $5… if people actually worked together. Aren't we supposed to be "one company, one team"?

Because the inefficient path can be less expensive than the proper one, I throw rocks.

It's Worth a Shot

Every year around this time the Shitshow offers free flu shots for all their minions.  You might be shocked that a place that could careless about their employee’s would give free flu shots.   Of course there is always more to the story than meets the eye. 

What seems to be a nice gesture from the Shitshow is just a ploy to prevent you from using your sick time.  Why should they care if you use your sick time?  Sick time is a direct hit to the bottom line.  What the Shitshow really wants is to have you continue charging cost plus programs as much as possible so they can actually make a profit.  Taking a sick day is a double whammy!  Not only does the Shitshow have to pay your for your sick time, it’s also a day of lost profits since you’re not charging a cost plus program.  Thus, if the Shitshow can spend ten dollars on a flu shot as opposed to loosing thousands of dollars the Shitshow suddenly takes an interest in your well being.

Now here comes an easy way to throw rocks.  Get the shot!  First of all, the Shitshow will have to pay for it.  Even if it’s 10 bucks, a lot of tiny pebbles thrown will add up. Secondly, and most importantly it allows you to save your sick time to use it when you need a “mental health” day as opposed to using a vacation day.  I prefer to spend these “mental health” days at Disneyland but sometimes it’s just nice to sleep in and hang out at the beach or at home.  Any way you spend the sick day other than with the flu is a great rock throwing experience!      

Because the reason the Shitshow offers free flu shots makes me sick, I throw rocks. 

Pagers

If you remember the early 90’s anybody that was anyone had a pager.  Pager stores were popping up everywhere; such luxuries were no longer considered only for doctors.  15 years later while the rest of the world has moved on to cell phones, the Shitshow is still issuing pagers. 

When a new employee comes to the Shitshow they are automatically issued a pager, after all you never know when you’ll need to read a new hire to urgently update the Wiki (see Wiki, wiki, wiki).  New hires carry these pagers around like badges of honor while senior engineers usually keep their pagers in their desk drawer without a battery in it.    

Every time I go to a comedy club I’m reminded of how outdated these devices are when the emcee usually says something along the lines of “please no flash photography, if you have your cell phone on please turn it to silent mode or off, if you have a pager please enter the 21^st century.”

Because when I need to talk to someone I need to wait for them to call me back, I throw rocks.

Veterans Day

Today I put down my rocks to give a heart felt thank you to all of our nation’s service men and women.  Without their sacrifices we would not have the freedoms to throw rocks in the first place. 

When you take away all of the waste, all of the rework, all of the Bob figures, all of the Shitshow routers, all of the King Kongs, all of the Zookeepers, all of the useless patents, and all of the red tape, a small number of Shitshow employees actually provide products that keep our troops safe.

Because our troops deserve it, I throw rocks. 

Change Board - I

A long time ago, engineers had the freedom to make corrections to their designs when they deemed it necessary. Then some Big Wig decided that we are making too many changes and decided to remedy the situation by creating a Change Board to review each change and only approve the necessary ones.

While the intent of the Change Board was to save cost, it became a poster child of Red Tape Bureaucracy. The first problem with the Change Board was its staffing. The board should have been made of of technical experts and chief engineers. But unfortunately, those people were too busy. So instead they staffed it with expendable employees who had nothing else to do. Overnight, they went from being nobodies to being authoritative figures.

Over time, they became more and more abusive of their power, rejecting changes for ridiculous reasons: laziness at end of meeting to review the change, looking for missing information that is irrelevant to the change, or simply because the engineer asking for the change wasn't showing the board its due respect. Often engineers would have to come back to the Change Board 3-4 times to get a simple change approved. As a result of all this, costs resulting from changes have skyrocketed.

Because the solution to one problem is a much more expensive problem, I throw rocks.

Patent Recognition

One of the things the Shitshow likes to brag about is patents.  Often times you'll here the flunktional managers and zookeepers brag about how many patents their department was awarded this year and how these accomplishments help distinguish this Shitshow from other Shitshows.   Well guess what?  99.99% of these patents are a complete waste of money.  How could this be?  Let me explain. 

When an engineer submits a patent that finally gets awarded, the engineer receives a nice little monetary bonus.  The bonus isn’t anything to write home about but if you add up 3 or 4 of these each year it makes for some nice spending cash.  Their flunktional manager also gets accolades for helping promote the technical advancement in their function.  Seems like a win-win doesn’t it?  This is where you’d be wrong. 

In order to work on these patents the mad scientists (I mean engineers) have to try to find funding for it on a project.  Thus they’ll hold out and only work on a program if they have the opportunity to advance their patent.  The thing is, the patent usually doesn’t add anything useful to the program because the patent is just a patent for patent sakes and the accompanied cash award.  In fact, sometime the overall design the program ends up with is less than it should be in order to support the work of a patent. 

In the background the flunktional manager helps push the program to pursue the patent because it gives one of their people a program charge number, the primary goal of a flunktional manager.  Since the program actually needs the engineers support they basically have to fund a useless patent.  And since the money isn’t the flunktional manager’s money, he could care less. 

The flunktional manager will refute this argument and claim that patent work has to be done partially on the engineers own time.  Again, this sounds good in theory but no one works for free and the time of patent work vs. work really needed gets blurred and all charged to the program. 

Because patent recognition is just a pattern of waste, I throw rocks.  

It's for a Good Cause

Every now and then, the Shitshow has to take on some charitable cause to maintain its image. Sure, it’s a phony attempt to make the community think the faceless Shitshow has a heart but at least something good comes out of it. But the Shitshow likes to take a little more credit than they should. You see, while the Shitshow makes some tax deductible grants, they also like to pressure employees to donate their own hard earned money – so that the Shitshow can take credit for those contributions too.

Last month, there was a drive to raise money for Breast Cancer Awareness. It was essentially a T-shirt campaign, with all proceeds going to charity. Participation is usually pretty low because employees don’t like the fact that the Shitshow takes all the credit. So this year, Program Management decided to give the IPT Leads an incentive: whichever IPT Lead’s team bought the most shirts, that IPT Lead would be exempt from having to do his “monthly metrics report.” Now apparently the “monthly metrics report” is such a grueling task that each IPT got very motivated to get their team to buy as many of these shirts as they could. One IPT Lead was so desperate to win, that he decided to take drastic measures.

One morning, he sent a sneaky meeting notice to his entire team with the description “staffing” to be held at lunchtime. Now anyone that has worked in aerospace knows that if the word “staffing” ever comes up, it means there will be an announcement about an upcoming layoff. Needless to say, everyone was in full attendance at the meeting, eager to learn about the layoff.

When they got there, they were given the “good news” that there was no upcoming layoff. It was all a trick to ensure everyone showed up at the meeting – so the IPT Lead could encourage them to all buy T-shirts for charity. As you can imagine, people were pissed. The IPT Lead defended himself with the cliché phrase: “Oh c’mon. It’s all for a good cause”. But many engineers on the team really thought there was going to be a layoff. In fact, many of them sent out resumes the second they heard about the “staffing” meeting. They were at it all morning.

There were so many complaints to management about it that the IPT Lead was forced to send out an apology. He even decided to buy everyone in his team a T-shirt out of his own pocket. It probably saved him his job.

But he won the contest! I hope it was worth it.

Because management does dumb things like this, I throw rocks.

Dress Code

When college hires first start, they are starry eyed and full of hope.  You can see it in their faces and you can see it in the way they dress – slacks, dress shirt, and perhaps even a vest.  After all, during the interview process everyone that interviewed them was dressed this way.  What they didn’t realize is that the people interviewing them were new hires (see Hiring Process)

The truth is, the longer people have been at the Shitshow the worse they dress unless you make management.  Flunktional managers dress in a company polo shirt and dockers while program managers dress in a blue dress shirts and brown dockers.  Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but these are mostly people who haven’t yet realized it doesn’t matter.

Don’t get me wrong, some senior engineers still wear vests to work but it’s to cover up stained and wrinkled shirts.  It’s not uncommon to see t-shirts with holes in them, 5’oclock shadows at 9am, and hair that hasn’t seen a comb or brush in days. 

Because if Mr. Blackwell visited the Shitshow his list would be infinite, I throw rocks.

Mandatory Overtime - II

As mentioned in the previous post titled "Mandatory Overtime", the Shitshow would abuse the paid overtime policy by implementing mandatory overtime on a regular basis. Most engineers just complied. However, some of us have a life and don't need the extra $80 per week for another 10hrs of my life. We actually tried getting out of mandatory overtime by getting our assignments finished on time.

The problem was that it didn't matter if you finished on or ahead of schedule; everybody was expected to work overtime. The logic being that if you finished your assignment early, you could pick up someone else's slack by taking on their assignment. That's quite an incentive to be smart and efficient, isn't it? Not really, but on a short term basis it's not an unreasonable thing to ask from your engineers either.

The problem was that, over a several year period, they would implement mandatory overtime every other month, sometimes more! It got to be the norm. After a while, some of us refused to do it since it was becoming evident that the mandatory overtime policy was being driven by politics rather than policy. Uh-oh: troublemakers. You can bet that such disregard for mandatory overtime policy came up on a few performance reviews.

On the other hand, many people did work overtime – and they put in ALOT of hours over the years. They were glad to do so, even when they had nothing to do, because it gave them a bigger paycheck every week. And the dollars added up. They added up so much that the company finally declared that people were abusing the abusive policy.

So what did the company do? They got rid of the paid overtime policy. Thanks management! Way to screw up a policy that was once a benefit of working here. Oh and by the way… Any chance that those of us that refused to work the unnecessary overtime will get an apology on our performance review this year?

Because the Shitshow can abuse a good overtime policy to the point of its extinction, I throw rocks.

Throwing Rocks by Helping Out

Every now and then I end up with a free company shirt.  For some reason the Shitshow thinks this is a real moral booster.  I used to wear these shirts with pride or save them for my Dad who would wear them with pride.  That was back in the days when I was starry eyed and actually thought I had a career path at the Shitshow. 

Now days I throw rocks!  I immediately give any free shirt I receive away to charities that provide clothing to the homeless.  While I haven’t seen it yet, it will make my day the day I see some bum begging for money and picking cans from the trash wearing a Shitshow company shirt. 

For all you fellow rock throwers I encourage you to do the same!  Any Shitshow clothing you have or end up getting give it away to the homeless.  Throwing rocks, while helping others, and getting a tax write off.  It’s a win-win-win situation. 

Because together we can help clothe the homeless, I throw rocks.  

Mandatory Overtime - I

One of the little perks of working in aerospace is that aerospace companies often pay overtime to salaried employees. Though they don't pay time and a half (which is a requirement by law for hourly employees), they do pay your hourly rate, which is still better than most companies who pay nothing. So if you work 50 hrs, you get paid for 50hrs rather than for 40hrs.

Nice right? Well, sort of. As most things at the Shitshow, they have to screw it up somehow - so they abuse the policy. Since we pay people for each hour they work, management has no problem mandating that everyone is expected to work 50-60hr work weeks. The reason for implementing such mandates is the claim that "we" are behind schedule. Of course, it's never the case that everyone is behind schedule; some people are, some people aren't. Nevertheless, managers often want everyone to work overtime. Because you see, there is also another reason for mandatory overtime: empire preservation.

As mentioned in previous posts, every manager's goal is to grow his empire ( i.e. the number of people working under him). Other managers are constantly trying to steal those people away to build their own empires. So mandatory overtime policies become an empire preservation strategy, a tactic to prevent other managers from snatching people from your team. When another manager comes looking for more heads, your manager can now say: "Sorry, I need every guy I got. As you can see, I got them all working overtime, so I really can't afford to lose anybody." Who can argue that?

Because my life is used as a pawn in management's chess game, I throw rocks.

Halloween

Ever wonder what Halloween parties are like at various companies?  I got a report from my friend at a non-Shitshow company, sit back and enjoy the comparisons.

At non-Shitshow companies:
Friends and family are welcome to attend the company wide Halloween costume party with special activities for the little ones.  With offerings like free food, free ice cream, carnival games, "circus performers," and a more!  It’s a real moral booster.   Workers actually dress up and fun is had by all!

At the Shitshow:
You get an email reminder the week of Halloween stating you can't wear mask or paint your face and that costumes are generally discouraged due to safety concerns.  On good years the cafeteria will have a free jack-o-lantern cookie and/or a slice pumpkin pie (left over pie is saved for the day before Thanksgiving).  At a facility of 1000’s of employees you can count on one hand the number of people who dress up and you don’t need any fingers to count the number of people who have fun.

Because the Shitshow is a fun sucking vampire, I throw rocks.