Year End Performance Review

One of my least favorite things to do during the course of a Shitshow calendar year is the annual year end performance review. Typically during one of these sessions, your functional manager reads your performance reviews submitted by your peers and then gives you a year end rating ranging from "Needs Major Improvement" to "Exceptional Performance."  Here is where things get interesting.....

King Kong is my functional manager so my year end review has some enormous potential depending on how many banana's good ole Kong had for lunch. So typically I just sit in the review and listen to my manager spew meaningless corporate buzz words like "you need to align your goals with that of the company" and "you need to utilize the corporate culture to meet deadlines" but this year I decided to spice things up a bit....you may say throw a monkeywrench in King Kong's plans. So here is what I did.....

I wrote a list of all of the things that year that I felt the department could improve upon.....basically it was a list of shit that pisses me off. So I go in to the meeting and King Kong starts in with his usual rambling nonsense about corporate culture and the whole nine yards of nonsense. As soon as all of this is over, he gives me my rating of "Far Exceeds Expecations" and for about 20 seconds I almost felt good about myself but then reality set back in and all this means is that I would get a 3.5% raise instead of the usual 3.3%. So after this, King Kong asked me if I had anything to say so I just started reading off my shit list. Here is the amazing part, King Kong went from 0 to Apeshit in about 2.5 seconds. By the time, I got to my third complaint bullet, I noticed red veins popping out of King Kong's neck and his whole face was bright red and he began to scream at me for nearly 1 hour. When I say scream, I mean scream. Spit flying out of his mouth and all. So after I read through most of my list during intermittent silence from his screaming, I got up and said "I dont have to sit here and listen to you scream at me" and got up and walked off. That was my year end performance review.

Because my manager has the temperament of a prehistoric jungle primate with bipolar disorder, I throw rocks.