Phantom Award

Every now and then someone gets an award that they actually deserve, but as with anything at the Shitshow the execution is a complete joke.  Set back and enjoy a story sent in from a dedicated rock thrower.

Despite working at the Shitshow, I still take pride in my work.  Often times this means putting in long hours to finish time-sensitive issues.   Not too long ago I put in about a months work of really long hours and hard work to complete a task. 

Weeks later, one of my peers told me congratulations.  I asked what for and he informed me that I had won an award for my hard work over the last month, he told me that it was hanging in the hall where all the flunky program managers sit. 

I thought this was weird since I never received an email and no one from program management informed me of the award but my coworker swore he saw it hanging in the programmer manager hall.   Unfortunately the program office is on the other side of the campus and takes 20 minutes to walk or drive by the time you find a parking spot. 

I didn’t make it over the program office for another week, by that time all of the awards that used to hang in the program office wall of fame, were taken down.  I asked the office assistant where the awards and as I should of expected she had no idea. 

To this day, the only person that has verified that I received this award is my coworker. None of the multiple program managers ever mentioned anything and when I asked my flunktional manager he just looked at me with a blank stare on his face.

Because awards disappear faster than wooden spoons and mac’n’cheese, I throw rocks.

Scarred for Life

The other day I received an email from a fellow rock thrower who moved on to greener pastures over a year ago, we’ll call him Mo.  I was half expecting a general update on how much better life is when you don’t work for the Shitshow; instead I got a chill down the spine. 

From Mo:

You won’t believe this, but it’s 100% true.  The other night I had a nightmare that I was still working in the sewage pump lab.  All the flunkies were there working with me from Bob to Queen Perfume.  Every time I tried to leave, the door just opened back into the sewage pump lab with King Kong yelling at me to get more work done. 

I woke up in a cold sweat.  After waking up I had to get up and walk around for a couple of minutes convincing myself it was just a dream.  It was like have a Vietnam flashback or something like that.

Because even if I do escape, I’ll be scarred for life, I throw rocks.  

The Secret Order of Rock Throwers

The other week a fellow rock thrower and I were taking our daily soda break (just an excuse to go to the break room and tell Tales From the Shitshow) when one of the most respected senior engineers at the Shitshow walked in. 

When he walked in, my friend and I were still laughing at a King Kong story we were just retelling.  Interested in why we were laughing the senior engineer asked what was so funny.  With a little hesitation, and figuring we had nothing to loose, we tested the water and started telling him a toned down King Kong story. 

Without missing a beat the senior engineer said “that’s nothing” and then went on his own five minute rant and rave about his own Tales From the Shitshow and things he’s done to throw rocks.  By the end we were all laughing.

Nearly every day since, guess who just happens to wonder into the break room while we’re on our soda break? That’s right, one of the most respected senior engineers at the Shitshow. 

Because I’m finding fellow rock throwers in the least likely places, I’ll continue to throw rocks.

Free Tickets to a Professional Basketball Game

As mentioned in previous posts, there aren't many perks to being an engineer. You don't get any discounts on cool stuff or free tickets to events. Well, I stand corrected. A while back, some new hires got a "thank you" email in reward for all their hard work. But it was more than just a "thank you". The company was actually offering free box tickets to attend a professional basketball game at the Staples Center!

Sounds great right? Well, it turned out the free tickets were to see...(ahem)... the L.A. Sparks Women's WNBA basketball team. I personally don't know anyone who's paid to see a WNBA game, but okay, at least they were free tickets, right? Well, not exactly.

The email specified that while there were 20 free tickets available to the game, there was only one parking pass. And as we all know, parking can be up to $20. Suddenly, these tickets didn't sound so "free". It gets better.

The free tickets were for a NOON game... on a working day! Because of this obvious conflict, the email was sure to specify that, since it is during a working day, anyone attending would be expected to take their Vacation Time to see the game. Yup, taking Vacation Time to see a WNBA game and paying $20 for parking – what great perks we get from our company.

Because I know there was at least one corporate suite completely empty that day, I throw rocks.

The New All Hands Meeting

Management must have been listening, because they totally reformatted their All Hands Meetings.  No longer does each flunktional manager talk about department news and happenings at the Shtishow, this responsibility, along with the actual work, falls into the hands of college new hires.

  

That’s right, college new hires now talk about new procedures they have created, program status on programs they are the lead engineer, and new business proposals they are busily putting together. 

Anyone with common sense would think that these tasks should be taken on by well respected senior engineers and communicated to the department either by the flunktional managers or the senior engineers.  Not at the Shitshow, apparently all of these tasks have been documented on the Wiki which means any college new hire is able to perform them.   

Because after going to the reformatted All Hands Meeting, I spent the rest of the day reformatting my resume to try to wash the stink of the Shitshow off, I throw rocks.  

Ethics Training II

As previously mentioned in last week's blog post, we had our annual ethics training last week. While the training is ridiculously easy, it's also one of the few trainings the Shitshow takes very seriously. One would think that they would have established a good process for making sure everyone gets their training done on time, perhaps by offering some incentives or heck, they even could have sent everyone an Outlook Reminder. But no, instead they choose to use the most unreliable method of communication available at the Shitshow: an email from Corporate Communications.

Employees of the Shitshow get so many emails from Corporate (like news of some managers promotion or change to sector policy SR-5201) that most employees have set up a rule in Outlook to move all these emails to a spam folder. So it should have come as no surprise that when an "important" email came from Corporate, it wasn't read by half the employees. But of course, management put all their eggs in one basket and when the deadline came around, they were all scrambling to get the rest of the employees to complete the training. What method did they use? Another email of course, except this time they tried to use shame as a tool.

The follow-up email was sent identifying the perpetrators with a message that "if your name is on this list, you have failed to take the training by the necessary deadline. Complete it by close of business today to avoid disciplinary action." Quite motivating, isn't it? Believe it or not, this email didn't solve the problem either.

Now it was time for "disiplinary action". Well, it turns out alot of the employees on the delinquent list just so happened to be among the most productive workers at the Shitshow. Many of them knew they had a training to do, but lost track of time because they were busy doing actual work. So rather than discipline these employees, the managers had to get off their lazy bums and politely ask these employees in person to take the training. And so the question remains: why didn't they just do that in the first place?

Because the Shitshow continues to rely on methods that have failed time and time again, I throw rocks.

A Tale of Two Shirts

Tonight I went to dinner with a good friend who works for a major entertainment company.  Without any coordination we both ended up wearing company shirts, but that’s wear the similarities stopped.

Both shirts were free for volunteering.  I received my shirt to wear at an all day college recruiting event including an info session the night before, while he received his shirt for volunteering a couple hours at a local high school. 

Both shirts had our respective company logo.  My shirt had a screen print with a thick rubber bright white logo that made the shirt heavy and hot.  His shirt had a multicolored embroidered on the left chest and additional stitching on the sleeve.

My shirt was 100% cotton, however it was not pre-shrunk.  His shirt has a preshrunk breathable cotton mesh. 

My shirt was a unisex one-size fits all, while his shirt was sized appropriately for him and he claims they came in multiple sizes including women sizes. 

My shirt received no comments from the waitress while his shirt initiated a 5 minute conversation about the company he works for and how cool his job was. 

Because something as simple as a free shirt reminds me I work at the Shitshow, I throw rocks.   

Ethics Training

Well, it’s that time of year again that we all have to take our Ethics Training. Don’t let the nomenclature fool you. Ethics Training has nothing to do with teaching people ethical behavior. It’s not like they’re teaching employees to respect each other, reward hard work, value each employee, or not stab each other in the back. No, Ethics Training isn’t about that at all.

 As you probably read from prior posts, Ethics Training is  nothing more than a method to shield the company’s liability if its employees do something illegal. In prior years, we had to read some materials and then take a simple 10-questionTrue/False test.  It was so easy you could skip the reading altogether and pass with 100% accuracy.

This year however, they changed the online training so that you can’t skip right to the questions. Instead, you have to watch a dumb video first and it won’t let you fast forward! It’s about an hour long. It begins with our CEO telling us how important ethics training is, followed by a bunch of dumb scenarios and acronyms. I actually don’t remember much.  I was busy catching up on my email as it played in the background until it got to the end so I could take the 10-questionTrue/False test.

When I took the test,  I actually missed one. Not a big deal though  because you have an infinite number of tries.

But how many tries do you need if you get a True/False question wrong? As many as it takes for the company to say they trained you, I guess.

Interns

Most interns at the Shitshow are nothing to write home about.  Some of them really wanted to work at the Shitshow while others take the internship out of sheer desperation.  Needless to say, most are Bob figures in training but every now and then one will surprise me, and on ever rarer occasions two will surprise me. 

Two of the interns at the Shitshow this year are actually still in high school.  Both of these interns received a “scholarship” from the Shitshow through their high school robotics team.  Being the friendly person I am I stuck up separate conversations with them, and to my surprise they both said almost the exact same thing.

After bullshitting with them a little bit I asked if they wanted to continue their internship here during college and work here after they graduated.   Both of them said no way.  That went on to say the only thing they’ve learned from this experience is that they never want to work here. 

 Because there is hope in our younger generation, I throw rocks.  

The Politician in Review

A fellow rock thrower who has known the Politician for years summarized the Politician's story in such a way that when I read it I almost fell out of my chair laughing.  I present to you, from no other than one and only NunnMcCurdy, the Politician in Summary:

The politician is a man not unlike yourself, a work man. You may even say he is a great man. He works at the Shitshow but his boredom has driven him to the brink of insanity so he founded a Tea Party movement to protest big government, high taxes, and wasteful spending. Unaware that his existence at the Shitshow perpetuates the spiral he so detests, he holds countless protests, rallies, and he has even gone as far as to run for public office, albeit unsuccessfully. The true irony of this great man is that not only does he derive his living from high taxes and wasteful spending but so does his wife. He is truly a great, legendary man.

Because the Politician was vowed to run again, I throw rocks.  

The Politician – VI

With the election drawing near, the Politician took a leave of absence from work so he could focus on his campaign.  I don’t know how, but the Shitshow was able to get by without his added intrinsic value.  It was time to hit the streets.

The Politician littered light post and construction fences with his campaign posters.  He continued mailing out flyers bragging about his “accomplishments” at the Shitshow and how he graduated from an elite university.  The politician continued posting to facebook and updating his blog with Mr. Roger style videos explaining his positions.   

The election was drawing near and still noting from his opponent, then the first atomic bomb dropped.  A month or so before the election an article in a local newspaper found some old posts the Politician made online belittling women. 

A couple days before the election the next atomic bomb was dropped.  His opponent sent out a mailer saying “Look inside to see what The Politian has done for your community,” when you opened it up it was completely blank.   I almost fell out of my chair laughing when I opened and read that mailer.  The mailer was accompanied by flyer that stated the long history of public service performed by the Politician’s opponent. 

The day after the elections the results were declared, the Politician suffered a defeating blow.   A week later he was back at the Shitshow talking about how he was once again on the fast track at the Shitshow.

Because the Politician is considered my peer, I throw rocks. 

A New Generation of Rock Throwers

A fellow rock thrower forwarded me this picture to share with all of you.

Because you're never too young to start, I throw rocks.