The Crosswalk

Safety is always priority number one at the Shitshow, along with integrity, quality and ethics.  I know that’s a lot of number ones, but who’s counting?  Any ways, the latest push at the Shitshow is safety when crossing Shitshow streets.  Seems like a good idea in theory, but as always the execution is laughable. 

The first action the Shitshow did was put up post, chains, and signs where they didn’t want you to cross.  They then painted a crosswalk on the street where they did want you to cross.   

One problem with this is that the painted cross walk is right behind the guard shack.  Cars slow down (usually never fully stopping) to show the guard their badge which requires them to take their eyes off the road to make eye contact with the guard.  As they get the thumbs up, they start accelerating while they turn their head forward.  While this didn’t use to be a problem, they are now accelerating straight through the crosswalk without looking. 

Another problem with this is that drivers can’t see people who just started crossing the street because the drivers view is partially blocked by the guard shack.  Of course the insecurity guard doesn’t check the sidewalk before waving cars through. 

Add up those two problems and you have a recipe for disaster.  I can’t tell you the number of “close” calls I’ve seen. 

Additionally the cross walk location adds about a minute of walking time because it sends you to the middle of the backside of a building where the employee entry is 180 degrees around on the other side.  So now people hop over the chains to cross where they used to, at the end of the building so they don’t have to walk that extra minute.

Because safety first makes it more likely for me to be hit by a car, I throw rocks.

The Politician – III

Today we pick up the Politician’s story. After only finding rejection with his detailed plan on how to cut cost by 90%, the Politician started looking into the fast track program.

For those not familiar with the fast track program, let me explain by reading On the Fast Track. Thinking this was his key to success, the Politician turned all his efforts into getting on to the fast track. For weeks, every time I passed by his cubicle he was working on his application. Of course, he charged all this time to the program but who’s really counting?

I guess all that time was well spent because the Politician was accepted into the program. The guy that wasted months working on a plan to reduce cost by 90%, which had the Shitshow mining and processing its own raw materials, was now in the good company of minions who were tackling the problem of disseminating useless information across the Shitshow.

Because this Politician’s story writes itself, I throw rocks.

New Restrooms

In an attempt to keep the minions from revolting, the Shitshow finally gave in and decided to upgrade the bathrooms in one of the larger buildings on campus. Truth be told, I’m going to miss the tile and stalls from 1960, but don’t worry kids I won’t have to say good-bye for two more years.

Wait what? Two more years? That’s right, in a building that has all but 12 floors, with a men’s and women’s bathroom on each floor, it is going to take at least 2 years to update all the bathrooms. To help put two years into perspective, it took about 18 months to build the Empire State building, it only took 1 year from ground breaking to the grand opening of Disneyland, and average home is constructed in about 4 months, while it only takes 7 days for the guys and girls at Extreme Makeover Home Edition to work their magic.

Because the Shitshow brags about its 2 year timeline, I throw rocks.

Shitshow Characters: T-Shit Guy

As you known, there are a ton of characters at the Shitshow.  Some characters are specific people such as King Kong, Duckface, and Queen Perfume, while others are archetypes like the flosser and the nail clipper.  Today I introduce T-Shit guy.

Every Shitshow has at least one T-Shit guy.  What distinguishes T-Shit guy from other Mr. Blackwell darlings, is that the t-shirts worn daily are at least 2 sizes too small.  The funny thing is, 25 years ago when T-Shit guy was in high school, they fit.  The t-shirts usually have multiple holes and have various stains.  My favorite holes are the arm pit holes - it’s as though the stink from T-Shit guy has actually burnt a hole in it. 

Because t-shirts worn at the Shitshow are older than I am, I throw rocks.  

Green to Red

One of the Shitshow’s Green policies is to turn off your computer at the end of the day.  The thought being it saves energy but more importantly it saves the Shitshow money because they’re not paying for that extra energy.  As with most policies this is yet another epic fail. 

While a small amount of energy is saved during non-peak hours, instead of saving money it wastes 20 minutes a day per person.  You see the computers we have at the Shithshow are so old, slow, and have so many overhead security programs on them that it takes 20 minutes from the time you turn on a computer to the time you can actually read an email or open up a document.   

Now these 20 minutes don’t come for free, they get charged to the program people are working.  Since most of the programs are fixed cost contracts, this is 20 minutes per employee from the bottom line.  

Let’s do a little math.  20 minutes a day, 50 work weeks a year, 5 days a week.  This comes out to a little more than 2 weeks a year at full salary plus benefits plus overhead being spent for each Shitshow employee to wait for a computer to turn.  Depending what you choose as a hourly charge rate this can add up to be over 10K per year, per person!   

Because being green just helps each program get red, I throw rocks.  

Bring Your Child to Work Day…Well Kind Of

This year Bring Your Child to Work day was celebrated across the country on April 28.  At the Shitshow it was celebrated today.  Regardless of when the Shitshow decides to have their Bring Your Child to Work day, it’s always entertaining. 

Today my program manager asked me to watch his kids for a “couple of minutes” while he attempted to clean up a mess created by Queen Perfume.  I was more than happy to lend a helping hand; after all it was better than cleaning up the Queen’s mess myself plus I could charge my time to the program. 

Truth be told, hanging out with a 5 and 8 year old was much more pleasant than trying to work or communicate with most flunkies at the Shitshow. While babysitting I asked both of the kids if when they grew up they wanted to work here just like their Dad. Much to my surprise both answered no and provided much cooler career alternatives like working at Disneyland or being a doctor.  I tried to hide it, but at that moment a little tear came to my eye. 

Because the most satisfying work I’ve done all year is babysitting for an hour today, I throw rocks.  

Enron Math

Every year the Shitshow provides all of their minions with a summary of their total salary and benefits.  In theory this seems like a great idea, however as with anything provided by the Shitshow it’s a complete joke.  Within seconds you can see the Shitshow is a graduate of the Jeff Skilling School of Accounting. 

To calculate the total benefits, the Shitshow simply sums the following numbers:

Annual Salary

Company paid health insurance

Company paid life insurance

Shitshow bonus

Shitshow service award gift certificates

Annual Allotment of Vacation Time

Annual Allotment of Sick Time

Now this is where ex-Enron executives smile and remember the good old days.  Adding sick time and vacation time on top of your salary just doesn’t add up.  If you call in sick or take a vacation day you don’t get that pay on top of your regular pay, you get sick or vacation pay instead of your regular pay.

It even gets worse if you think about it a little more.  As mentioned in I’m Going to Disneyland, your sick time gets cut in half every year.  And to top that off it only pays out  ¼ hour for every hour accumulated if you retire from the Shitshow or get laid off.  If you leave on your accord you get nothing.

Lastly, the Shitshow caps your vacation time to 2 times you’re annual allotment. If you never take a day off and expect to cash out after more than 2 years at the Shitshow, oh well.

Because my total benefits summary would bring a tear to Jeff Skilling’s eye, I throw rocks.