Fire Alarm Drill - IV

So yesterday, we had another fire alarm drill (See posts Fire Alarm Drill, Fire Alarm Drill II, Fire Alarm Drill III). Well, sort of. The Shitshow was actually testing the fire alarm. This time, they actually gave us a warning in advance. Yup, at around 3pm yesterday, they put up flyers that they'd be testing the fire alarm - at 6pm. Wow - a whole 3hrs advance notice.

Now I never saw this notice because, as a Shitshow grunion, I never actually  leave my desk.  I eat lunch at my desk and choose not to interact with any of the  trolls on my floor. I was planning on working late yesterday (aka writing a new blog post) when suddenly the fire alarm goes off at 6pm. I save my work, collect my stuff, and head down the stairs. This time, I took the fire exit because the last time we had a fire drill everyone walked out the regular exit and we all got chastised.

Then  today as I am leaving work, the inSecurity guard comes up to me and says "Hold on a minute...I've been wanting to talk to you since yesterday. You're not supposed to walk out the Fire Exit when we're testing the fire alarm. I wanted to tell you yesterday, but you were walking so fast, I didn't get a chance to."

This statement is great for some many reasons:
1) Apparently now when I hear the fire alarm, I should ask someone whether it is a real fire, a fire alarm drill, or simply fire alarm testing.
2) The inSecurity guard admitted he was too slow to catch somebody walking to their car. So what's he gonna do when there's actually a real perpetrator fleeing the scene?
3) SEE!!! He does know who I am! They always pretend they don't recognize you when you forget your badge, yet all of a sudden he remembers me?

Because I will continue to use the fire exit no matter what the circumstances are, I throw rocks.

The Politician – V

Last we left off, the Politician was just getting his Tea Party group up and running, of course he was doing all of this while at work.  To my amazement the Politician actually formed a group that had a pretty big following.  He threw a couple rallies and even acted as the keynote speaker for Tea Party convention.  But it was time to move on.

With the momentum of forming his Tea Party group, he decided to resign and run for the state assembly.  He ran the first 6 months of his campaign from his cubical while at work, taking extra long lunches to speak at near my community groups and leaving working early to talk at the local community college.  All of this without having to work extra time to make up for the missed hours or having to take vacation time! 

He continued to rally against government wasted while vowing to keep Shitshow jobs in his district by giving the Shitshow tax breaks and making it easier for the Shitshow to conduct business in the district.  He also bragged about his experience at the Shitshow and the countless number of patents he’s been apart of.  Oddly enough, his opponent did nothing. 

Because for 6 months the Politician ran a full time campaign from his cubical without being questioned why he wasn’t doing any real work, I throw rocks.

Layoffs

Every now and then the Shitshow has to lay off people; I always see this as a time of hope.  Unfortunately I’ve never been lucky enough.   In previous rounds of layoffs you could volunteer to be laid off, well not any more!

Flunktional managers used to love when people would volunteer to be laid off, after all it took away one of there only jobs they had to perform thus their day that much easier.  At first glance you might think that it would be logical to see if anybody wanted to be laid off as it would potentially save the job of someone that actually wanted to stay while giving the volunteer a severance package as a thank you.   So what was the problem?

During the last round of layoffs only the good workers, people who made up the 10% of people who do actual work, volunteered to be laid off.  The flunktional managers were dumbfounded.  After a deep dive on what was going on they realized that these true top performers could easily get a job at any other Shitshow for more money while getting a nice severance package.  On the flip side, all the Bob figures and people like Queen Perfumer were afraid of having to interview at another Shitshow and exposing the fact they were worthless.

So now the flunktional managers actually have to do a little work to determine who to layoff.  Of course this decision isn’t based on skill sets or performance reviews, it’s based on who has a charge number and who doesn’t. 

Because I’m on a project with no end in sight, which means there’s no hope for me to be laid off even if I ask nicely, I throw rocks. 

Happy Anniversary?

Each month the Zookeepers department posts a list in the kitchen area of all the people that are having their Shitshow anniversary.  What is supposed to be a nice little nod to appreciate the minions who actually stick around, has now become a true indicator of how little the flunktional managers actually know who work for them.

This month’s list contained a name of someone who left the company over a year ago!  That right, this person left the company 427 days ago according to the “offline” indicator on Communicator.   If you try to send this person an email it bounces back saying this person cannot be found.  Yet there his name is celebrating yet another Shitshow anniversary. 

Because something as simple as an anniversary list manages to get screwed up at the Shitshow, I throw rocks. 

The Bathroom Dilemma

Since the Shitshow makes us fill out a timecard, I normally don't leave the Shitshow campus at lunch. Taking an offsite lunch hour just means I have to stay at work an hour longer – not fun.  So I usually  take a 15min lunch at the cafeteria, despite the fact that it gives me diarrhea about once a week. I figure it's worth the pain if it means I can leave earlier.

But the other day, I actually decided to meet up with some friends for an offsite lunch. It was the first time in a long time. It was about 11:45am when I realized we were supposed to meet at noon. So I quickly lock my workstation, grab my keys, and walk towards the exit.  Just as I am walking out, I realize that I need to go to the restroom. Could I hold it? Yeah, I probably could. So I did.

I show up at our meeting place, this lousy little Indian restaurant where the stench of curry could be smelled from the parking lot. I greet my friends and order my food, when I realize I'm not gonna be able to hold my bowels for another hour.  I needed to go to the restroom after all. Now a cheap Indian restaurant is probably not the most desirable place to go to the restroom, as you can imagine. I was hoping to hold it until I got back to work. But when you gotta go, you gotta go.

To my surprise, as bad as that restroom was, it was ten times better than the bathrooms at the Shitshow: 1)  it had a lock 2) none of the toilets were clogged 3) the seat wasn't warm from the previous occupant 4) the floors weren't wet and sticky. I don't know what I was so worried about. I guess I has just forgotten how gross the bathrooms at work really are.  For those of you who don't know, here's a reminder: http://www.throwing-rocks.com/2010/09/assembly-line-of-shit.html

Because I'd rather use the restrooms at a hole-in-the-wall restaurant than at my own workplace, I throw rocks.

Contract Oversight - IV

One of the scariest things any program or flunktional manager can imagine is one of their minions transitioning to the dark side and becoming an independent reviewer.  Why would this be so scary you ask?  Because their ex-minion knows all the inner workings of the Shitshow and is now getting paid to point out all the flaws.

The other day, one of these newly converted dark overlords, who was a notorious Bob figure, asked for a particular analysis to be redone.  One of the flunktional managers looked over and said “that analysis was done over a year ago by you, why do you want us to do it again?”  The independent reviewers replied “I know that it was done incorrectly.”

Because ex-Bob figures can make even more money and do even less work by pointing out there own incompetence, I throw rocks.  

Shitshow Characters: the Shitshow Fanatic

As you know the Shitshow has a plethora of characters, from the Nail Clipper to T-Shirt guy.  All of them are entertaining in their own way, but the one I find the most redeeming and entertaining is the Shitshow Fanatic. 

The Shitshow Fanatic is usually a newer hire who believes there is real career opportunity at the Shitshow and that their flunktional manager cares about their development.  Shitshow Fanatics constantly wears Shitshow polo shirts and t-shirts with pride, as opposed to wearing them as a result of poor laundry management skills or as a joke.   In fact they often times swing by the Shitshow company store to look for any new apparel items or any clearance items.   A Shitshow Fanatic’s cubical is decked out with program posters, commemorative pins, “performance” awards, and Shitshow training completion certificates.

But hope is not lost.  Much like a caterpillar turning into a beautiful butterfly, given enough time Shitshow Fanatics become fellow rock throwers.  While posters and certificates are still hung, they are now hung as a reminder of the joke they represent. Shitshow shirts are still worn but only because all of the other laundry is dirty. 

Because even Franz Kafka would be surprised how much the Shitshow changes people, I throw rocks.

Shitshow Parking Lots 101

As always, the Shitshow has your safety at the top of its priority list.  Nothing shows this more than the thoughtfully crafted corporate memos sent out from the safety alliance team.   Sit back and enjoy the latest safety memo on Parking Lot safety….

                                                                                         

What might you find in a Shitshow parking Lot?

You might find cars, trucks, motorcycles, pedestrians, deliver trucks, forklifts, and carts.   There might also be trains, Shitshow product in storage, Shitshow products being moved, and fences.  Sometimes you’ll find water, snow, ice, and potholes.

 What do people do in Parking Lots?

People are arriving to work while others are leaving work.  Some people are walking to their cars while others are walking from their cars.  People are also talking to others in the parking lot, talking on their cell phones, or working. 

What is the Shitshow Doing?

Each site varies but all have posted speed limits and designated cross walks. 

What are you Doing?

Focusing on the complex inner-workings of the dynamic environment.  Keeping safety first while picking up the slack of people not focusing on the parking lot. 

Because when I read this memo to my 5 year old she just looked at me, rolled her eyes, and said “sheesh daddy, I know”  I throw rocks.  

Goggles

I always have a hard time explaining to non-Shitshow employees what it really feels like to work at the Shitshow.  From trying to explain King Kong, to Bob, to the lab to nowhere, to the Wiki, I usually get nothing but blank stares.  That problem ends today!

Wasting my day away at work by surfing the web, I found a webpage that gives you the ability to see things through Shitshow goggles. 

Just follow this link, Shitshow-Goggles, to see the world through the Shitshow.

Because every time I read something on the wiki, this is how I see the world, I throw rocks.   

The Story of Jim Jacobs

Jim Jacobs was a young engineer who had been working at the Shitshow for eight years. During this time, he had worked on all sorts of projects, got two Masters degrees in the process, and went on a rotation assignment. Yet despite all this, he never really moved up in the company. No matter what he did, he always seemed to end up back where he started. To add to the irony, he changed cubicle locations five times over the years, only to end up back in the original location. (Just goes to show you how useless these periodic "synergy moves" are)

Jim Jacobs also had the same flunktional manager since day one, who he affectionately nicknamed Billbert. Billbert was a stereotypical functional manager – he was broad-shouldered, stocky and tried hard to act like he was your buddy whenever you ran into him. The problem was he did absolutely nothing to help your career. But he was a great bullshitter and giver of false hope. Each year, he would tell Jim that he was "one of our top young guys" and would make an "excellent candidate for a leadership position someday." Of course, that day always seemed to be another year away.

As time went by, Jim began to notice that Billbert not only had no career plan for him, but at times didn't seem to remember who he even was. On a few occasions, Billbert passed him in the halls and called him "Jacob." But the icing on the cake came on hi birthday about a year ago. What happened on this day would forever prove whether Jim's career was on Billbert's radar at all.

That morning, Jim Jacobs came in with coffee in hand, sat down, and opened up his email. The first unopened message was a happy birthday email from Billbert. (Apparently, Billbert had read in some book that managers should remember their employees' birthdays.) Not being the most technologically savvy, Billbert had set up an Outlook Reminder and then just forwarded it to Jim. So the happy birthday email Jim received was actually a forwarded Outlook Reminder with an attachment in it titled "Jim Jacob's Birthday". But the absolutely best part of this story was that Billbert actually took the time to edit the message just before sending it – adding a short, personalized message: "Happy Birthday, Jacob!"

Jim quit shortly afterward and is currently working at a different company.

Because this story is absolutely true (only the names have been changed), I throw rocks.

Happy 4th from Mr. Sunshine

Mr. Sunshine just sent me his latest piece of "artwork," inspired by Jasper Johns. This is his response to the generic faux sentimental mass email sent out each year from one of the head hanchos at the Shitshow claiming how the Shitshow embodies the meaning of the 4th of July.

Because the 4th makes going to work on the 5th that much harder, I throw rocks.