Flunktional managers love her, she’s considered a Shitshow rising star, can you smell her yet? I give you the one, the only, Queen Perfume!
Because my nose will never be the same, I throw rocks.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
The Eighth Wonder of the World!
Ladies and Gentlemen... I give you... KONG! THE EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD!
Because these stories about Kong are endless, I throw rocks
Sunday, December 26, 2010
More to Come
Since the Shitshow is on vacation this week, posting until after the New Year is going to be pretty light. If there are any new stories we’ll post them, otherwise we’ll be capturing the highlights of 2010.
Don’t worry, we’ll be picking up our rocks next year and we’ll keep throwing them. There will be plenty of new Shitshow stories to share next year: King Kong is sure to go into many more primordial fits of rage, Queen Perfume will continue to stink it up, and all of the flunkies and flunktional managers will continue to flunk it up. Additionally there will be more Throwing Mud comic strips, Mr. Sunshine art work, and hopefully more stories submitted by our loyal fan base.
In the mean time I encourage you to spread the word about www.throwing-rocks.com. Our readership is continuing to grow but we need a larger base of rock throwers. Spread the word (see A Call to Arms), share the link on Facebook, in Google Buzz, and so on.
While the Shitshow gives us plenty of reasons to throw rocks, it’s up to you to help us throw them.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Santa Kong
I came across this picture on the web and almost fell out of my seat laughing. Because this picture looks like it was taken from last weeks Holiday party I throw rocks.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
In the Black
The other day the program I am working had an all-hands meeting. For those of you who don’t know, all-hand meetings are a time for all disciplines on the program to come together and have program information bestowed upon us from the top.
While I could write a long post about all of the comedy I witnessed, smelling Queen Perfume from across the auditorium, and all flunkies galore I focus on one interesting slide that was presented to us.
The slide showed a certain project making a profit. I was a little surprised because of the fact the project was really underfunded and overstaffed, for a moment I almost felt pride for the project team. But then I started looking at the numbers more closely. The profit wasn’t a profit at all; instead it was showing not loosing as much as expected. What great accounting. That would be like me saying I was “up” during my last visit to Las Vegas
Because being in the black still means drowning in red, I throw rocks.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Throwing Rocks by Working - II
While working today, and not being able to get a hold of anyone I needed some information from, I remembered the real reason I’m working this week. To throw rocks! And boy does it feel good!
If you recall working the week of Christmas is an excellent way to throw rocks. To refresh your memory check out: Throwing Rocks by Working
Because the best part of Christmas week at the Shitshow is working, I throw rocks.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
12 Days of Christmas
On the twelfth day of Christmas the Shitshow gave to me…
5 C-A-Bs
PS: each day is a link to a previous post...enjoy!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Performance Review - II
Just when I thought the whole process and idea behind performance reviews couldn’t get any more ridiculous fluncktional managers are given a new directive.
The performance review varies slightly from group to group and Shitshow to Shitshow but when you strip off the superficial façade, you’ll find they are all a waste of time and a complete joke. If it’s rating yourself (see Performance Reviewl) or handpicking the people who evaluate you (flunkies grading flunkies) all reviews end up with meaningless and inflated scores. So what is the Shitshow’s solution? All flunktional managers are now required to give at least one, and preferably more that one, low score to every employee. The reasoning given is that it will help create a bell curve to better evaluate their minions. It doesn’t take a PhD in statistics to see that any curves this new scoring rule makes is as big of a joke of Queen Perfume wining the Rising Star Award.
Because the Shitshow's solution to meaningless scores is to make them even more meaningless, I throw rocks.
Won't Get Fooled Again
A month ago, I fell behind on a project that I have been working on for several months now and is due at the end of the year. Normally I am never behind on my work, but over the last several months, my IPT lead (Duckface) kept pulling me off my project and putting me on these smaller work assignments.
About a month ago, I realized that I probably won't get my project done by the end of the year. I decided not to wait until the last minute and just tell Duckface the news now so that he can plan accordingly. When I told him, his face went grey: "We really need to get this done by the end of the year. It's very important to program management. We have to get this done" I asked if there was anybody else that could help me out, and he said there wasn't.
So I went back to my desk and thought about what to do. I knew I'd couldn't get this done by the end of the year. Not to mention, I had my own priorities: I was in the process of applying for other jobs, I had to do some networking, I had to read up on some topics to make myself more marketable, and I even had vacation plans I needed to work on.
Yet, I seem to have some sort of mental defect. Despite all the pain and suffering the Shitshow has caused me, I don't like letting people down. I also didn't want tarnish my reputation as the guy who is never late on his assignments. So in a rare act of illogic, I sat down and tried to create a miracle. For a month straight, I focused all of my efforts on this project. I often skipped lunch and even worked overtime to get this project done. Even as of last week, I didn't think I was going to make the deadline. Nevertheless, I applied myself and worked even harder.
With a bit of luck and a lot of hard work, I actually finished the assignment yesterday. Proud of my accomplishment, I told him the good news. Duckface replied, "Great, now all we have to do is get the Project Engineer to sign it"
(Note: Engineering is much like an assembly line, where each engineer adds value to make a product that none of them could make individually. And much like an assembly line, you don't have a product until every person has contributed their part. In this case, my work didn't mean anything until I got the Project Engineer to review it and sign it. It usually takes about half a day for him to do it.)
When I went over to the Project Engineer, he told me "Sorry, but I won't be able to get to it this year. I'm swamped. Tell (Duckface) it won't get done until next year." When I related this news to Duckface, I was sure he would make a tantrum and get that Project Engineer off his lazy ass. (After all, this project had to get done by the end of the year.)But when I told him about it, all he did was sigh and say "Yeah, the Project Engineer is stubborn like that sometimes. Darn, I was hoping we could get it done by the end of the year. Oh well." And he turns around and goes back to whatever he was working on.
Because I have been fooled once again by the Shitshow into thinking that my hard work will make a difference, I throw rocks.
About a month ago, I realized that I probably won't get my project done by the end of the year. I decided not to wait until the last minute and just tell Duckface the news now so that he can plan accordingly. When I told him, his face went grey: "We really need to get this done by the end of the year. It's very important to program management. We have to get this done" I asked if there was anybody else that could help me out, and he said there wasn't.
So I went back to my desk and thought about what to do. I knew I'd couldn't get this done by the end of the year. Not to mention, I had my own priorities: I was in the process of applying for other jobs, I had to do some networking, I had to read up on some topics to make myself more marketable, and I even had vacation plans I needed to work on.
Yet, I seem to have some sort of mental defect. Despite all the pain and suffering the Shitshow has caused me, I don't like letting people down. I also didn't want tarnish my reputation as the guy who is never late on his assignments. So in a rare act of illogic, I sat down and tried to create a miracle. For a month straight, I focused all of my efforts on this project. I often skipped lunch and even worked overtime to get this project done. Even as of last week, I didn't think I was going to make the deadline. Nevertheless, I applied myself and worked even harder.
With a bit of luck and a lot of hard work, I actually finished the assignment yesterday. Proud of my accomplishment, I told him the good news. Duckface replied, "Great, now all we have to do is get the Project Engineer to sign it"
(Note: Engineering is much like an assembly line, where each engineer adds value to make a product that none of them could make individually. And much like an assembly line, you don't have a product until every person has contributed their part. In this case, my work didn't mean anything until I got the Project Engineer to review it and sign it. It usually takes about half a day for him to do it.)
When I went over to the Project Engineer, he told me "Sorry, but I won't be able to get to it this year. I'm swamped. Tell (Duckface) it won't get done until next year." When I related this news to Duckface, I was sure he would make a tantrum and get that Project Engineer off his lazy ass. (After all, this project had to get done by the end of the year.)But when I told him about it, all he did was sigh and say "Yeah, the Project Engineer is stubborn like that sometimes. Darn, I was hoping we could get it done by the end of the year. Oh well." And he turns around and goes back to whatever he was working on.
Because I have been fooled once again by the Shitshow into thinking that my hard work will make a difference, I throw rocks.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Holiday Decorations
The holiday season is upon us! Start baking those cookies, finish up your last minute shopping during the mad rush and be sure to read the Shitshow memo on appropriate holiday decorations.
That’s right boys and girls; you can decorate your cubes as long as you follow these simple rules:
- Minimize, or better yet don’t use, the following flammable products:
Cardboard, Paper, Plastic, Cotton - Electrical lights are not approved
- Metal Trees are not allowed
- Plastic or real trees are not approved unless they are certified to be fire retardant with the certification clearly displayed on the tree
- Candles are allowed but can not be lit
- Decorations are only allowed in the month of December and must be removed on the last day of the work year.
Because when it comes to decorations the Shitshow’s heart is two sizes too small, I throw rocks.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Dinner Conversation
Tonight I was out to dinner and started talking to a random person sitting next to me. Turns out he’s a senior engineer at a non-Shitshow company. Turns out he worked there for about 20 years. We talked about his work for a little bit and to my surprise he talked about it fondly. Not only did he like his company, he only had high praises for all of his coworkers. He then asked what I did and I told him I worked at the Shitshow, he laughed. He then explained why he was laughing.
Many years ago his department was hiring a lot of engineers. His company decided to try to partner with a Shitshow to help with short term engineering needs so he ended up interviewing about 100 people form the Shitshow. After the interviews the HR representative asked him what he thought and he responded "I am now scared to death to fly in any product that the Shitshow builds or has anything to do with." He could not believe the amount of incompetence he saw during those interviews. Needless to say the company he worked at quickly dissolved the partnership.
Because even at dinner while talking to a stranger I’m reminded that I’m surrounded by idiots, I throw rocks.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Baby Kong in the Making – II
Well, Baby Kong went into yet another fit of funny anger. In a team meeting where status was being reported the attention fell upon Baby Kong for his status. Of course he was behind on his work and wasn’t able to explain why. The program manager started asking for specifics and Baby Kong started to get flustered. Baby Kong started complaining about this and that and pointing fingers at other people for his incompetence. Eventually he got so worked up he had to leave the meeting.
A good 15 minutes later the meeting was over so a group of us decided to go out to lunch. When he walked outside we saw Baby Kong standing outside of the building, muttering to him self, while swinging his umbrella wildly. And it seems like just yesterday that he was kicking my trash can.
Because Baby Kong seems to be growing up so fast, I throw rocks.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Performance Review
Well, it’s that time of year again for the end of the year performance review. This year really takes the cake for how insane the whole process has become. But before I go into it, I must explain how things used to be - for it cannot be fully appreciated without a brief history of the performance review process here at the Shitshow.
A few years ago, your performance review form was filled out by your manager, who would then print it and call a meeting with you. In principle, the purpose of the meeting was to go over the past year’s performance, set goals, and identify areas for improvement. Most new hires would spend the entire 30min discussing trivial issues like career goals and making their managers aware of their accomplishments, under the presumption that this meeting actually meant something. The more experienced engineers knew better –the only purpose of this meeting was for the manager to get your signature. Without that signature, the manager would miss one of his own goals for that year - which is to perform a performance evaluation for each of his employees. He didn’t want to get a bad performance evaluation from his own manager.
So the experienced engineers would simply come in, sign their performance review form, and leave. Afterall, every judgment that has been made of you was already on that sheet of paper. Even if a blatant mistake was made, the manager would be too lazy to fix it and print out another form. He’d just say, “Oh, that doesn’t matter. I’ll remember to fix that next time. Just sign it here.”
One day, some manager had the bright idea that performance reviews should be done electronically . Apparently working two weeks out of the year was just too much for the functional managers and it would just be a whole lot “easier if things were automated.” Now whenever you hear that a new tool is coming out and that “things will be automated”, it means the engineers will have more work to do. And that’s exactly what happened. With the new electronic forms, the engineers had to fill in their own forms with goals from a list of pre-approved goals. All the managers would have to do then would be to give you a rating based on each of those goals, and then send it back to you to get your electronic signature.
After using this new electronic system for about six months, it got scrapped. Apparently the managers didn’t know how to use it or it had too many bugs. So we went back to the original paper forms. Then 6 months later, we went back to the electronic forms again. Apparently the bugs got fixed, but managers were still complaining that it was difficult to use –even though the engineers were doing most of the work filling out these damn things.
So today, a new directive was issued. We, the engineers, have actually been instructed to go into the electronic system and ….rate ourselves. That’s right. The managers are so clueless as to what we do (or too lazy to care) that they are telling us to rank ourselves. Once we do, they will review our rankings and make any adjustment that they see fit. What a joke. I look forward to giving myself a “this guy walks on water” ranking.
By giving myself only the highest rating possible in all categories, I throw rocks.
A few years ago, your performance review form was filled out by your manager, who would then print it and call a meeting with you. In principle, the purpose of the meeting was to go over the past year’s performance, set goals, and identify areas for improvement. Most new hires would spend the entire 30min discussing trivial issues like career goals and making their managers aware of their accomplishments, under the presumption that this meeting actually meant something. The more experienced engineers knew better –the only purpose of this meeting was for the manager to get your signature. Without that signature, the manager would miss one of his own goals for that year - which is to perform a performance evaluation for each of his employees. He didn’t want to get a bad performance evaluation from his own manager.
So the experienced engineers would simply come in, sign their performance review form, and leave. Afterall, every judgment that has been made of you was already on that sheet of paper. Even if a blatant mistake was made, the manager would be too lazy to fix it and print out another form. He’d just say, “Oh, that doesn’t matter. I’ll remember to fix that next time. Just sign it here.”
One day, some manager had the bright idea that performance reviews should be done electronically . Apparently working two weeks out of the year was just too much for the functional managers and it would just be a whole lot “easier if things were automated.” Now whenever you hear that a new tool is coming out and that “things will be automated”, it means the engineers will have more work to do. And that’s exactly what happened. With the new electronic forms, the engineers had to fill in their own forms with goals from a list of pre-approved goals. All the managers would have to do then would be to give you a rating based on each of those goals, and then send it back to you to get your electronic signature.
After using this new electronic system for about six months, it got scrapped. Apparently the managers didn’t know how to use it or it had too many bugs. So we went back to the original paper forms. Then 6 months later, we went back to the electronic forms again. Apparently the bugs got fixed, but managers were still complaining that it was difficult to use –even though the engineers were doing most of the work filling out these damn things.
So today, a new directive was issued. We, the engineers, have actually been instructed to go into the electronic system and ….rate ourselves. That’s right. The managers are so clueless as to what we do (or too lazy to care) that they are telling us to rank ourselves. Once we do, they will review our rankings and make any adjustment that they see fit. What a joke. I look forward to giving myself a “this guy walks on water” ranking.
By giving myself only the highest rating possible in all categories, I throw rocks.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Proud Share Holder - II
As mentioned in the Proud Share Holder post the company now matches our 401k contributions in Shitshow stock. Well the silver lining was just recently revealed! Dividends were recently paid out. While it doesn’t make up for the general underperformance of the stock versus the market in general, it does help lessen the blow of being a forced share holder.
The sad part is when I look at all the Bob figures, Queen Perfume, all the flunkies, King Kong, and the Zookeeper I can only imagine that if the Shitshow closed down our division the dividends would increase. But alas that would require some financial smarts from the flunky executives to notice that the red coming from my division is not a result Rudolf’s nose cutting through the fog of flunkies but instead is actually a result of King Kong’s face during one of his many outbursts of primordial rage.
Because getting a pay out just makes me realize how much I’ve lost, I throw rocks.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Going Green, Not So Clean!
Yay! The following story was submitted by a guest contributor, Nightmare. I must say, this is an excellent post and a perfect Throwing-Rocks story:
One fine Monday morning, we all came in to find our trash cans had been REMOVED from our cubes. Waiting for us a was a cheery email letting us know that we'd all be responsible for putting our trash/recyclables in the main bin located on each floor from now on, and hey "thanks for helping save the company money and keeping us 'green'!" Fine, but do you think we could have kept our trash cans at least and emptied them ourselves???
By noon, every cardboard box in the place had been snatched and placed under desks to serve as makeshift trash cans by myself and my fellow residents of Cubistan. Those not fortunate enough to get a box simply saved their plastic bags from the cafeteria and hung them on their cube corners to fill with trash. Others just pile their trash up on their desks till it starts to bother them and then make the trek across the cube farm to the main bin.
The best part? The nice cleaning lady who came by every night at 5:45 to empty our trash cans STILL comes by to pick up our trash and has slipped several of us a roll of trash bags, saying if we leave them for her she'll pick them up, because she thinks it's ridiculous that they took our cans. She still has to stop at every cube to dust and vacuum anyway!
Because Cubistan now looks like a refugee camp so some management jerkweed could mark a bullshit cost-saving "goal achievement" on his yearly review, I throw rocks.
One fine Monday morning, we all came in to find our trash cans had been REMOVED from our cubes. Waiting for us a was a cheery email letting us know that we'd all be responsible for putting our trash/recyclables in the main bin located on each floor from now on, and hey "thanks for helping save the company money and keeping us 'green'!" Fine, but do you think we could have kept our trash cans at least and emptied them ourselves???
By noon, every cardboard box in the place had been snatched and placed under desks to serve as makeshift trash cans by myself and my fellow residents of Cubistan. Those not fortunate enough to get a box simply saved their plastic bags from the cafeteria and hung them on their cube corners to fill with trash. Others just pile their trash up on their desks till it starts to bother them and then make the trek across the cube farm to the main bin.
The best part? The nice cleaning lady who came by every night at 5:45 to empty our trash cans STILL comes by to pick up our trash and has slipped several of us a roll of trash bags, saying if we leave them for her she'll pick them up, because she thinks it's ridiculous that they took our cans. She still has to stop at every cube to dust and vacuum anyway!
Because Cubistan now looks like a refugee camp so some management jerkweed could mark a bullshit cost-saving "goal achievement" on his yearly review, I throw rocks.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Throwing Per Diem Rocks
Every now and then I have to travel for work, of course as a Shitshow minion it’s my responsibility to book all the travel arrangements myself as well as fill out and submit the expense report that ends up never getting signed (see King Kong and the Expense Report). But that's not what I'm here to talk about.
In order to travel you first need to take training on how to use the travel booking service, Shitshow policies on traveling, and how to fill out an expense report. The great thing about this training is that it teaches you what the daily per diem rate is…perfect knowledge to throw rocks.
Every night while on travel I eat like a king, making sure I spend exactly my per diem. Since per diem is use or lose, I use it to make sure the Shitshow loses it. Often times this requires ordering dessert and or leaving a generous tip. The funny thing is, even people who aren’t typical rock throwers end up throwing rocks at the per diem policy when they travel.
Because laughter is the best medicine, but throwing rocks is the best food, I throw rocks.
In order to travel you first need to take training on how to use the travel booking service, Shitshow policies on traveling, and how to fill out an expense report. The great thing about this training is that it teaches you what the daily per diem rate is…perfect knowledge to throw rocks.
Every night while on travel I eat like a king, making sure I spend exactly my per diem. Since per diem is use or lose, I use it to make sure the Shitshow loses it. Often times this requires ordering dessert and or leaving a generous tip. The funny thing is, even people who aren’t typical rock throwers end up throwing rocks at the per diem policy when they travel.
Because laughter is the best medicine, but throwing rocks is the best food, I throw rocks.
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