Paradise

Yesterday I was walking in a cheap souvenir store when I saw the following decoration for sale.  I was going to buy it for my cubical then realized I worked for Shitshow which meant I couldn't afford this sign on my salary.

Because another day in Paradise, is Paradise Lost, I throw rocks.

King Kong Chat on FB

As I’ve mentioned before, King Kong tries to be that cool boss by Friending his employees on Facebook. Well one of his ex-employees, who recently moved to greener pastures, emailed me the following FB chat he had with Kong:

King Kong:  How is your new job?

Me: Unlike my old job I like it and don’t feel sick when I drive into work

King Kong:  That’s good

Me:  How’s the Shitshow? 

King Kong:  What?

Me:  How’s the Shitshow?

King Kong:  What is the Shitshow:
Me: http://www.throwing-rocks.com/

King Kong: What’s this?

Me:  King Kong, out!

He then unfriended King Kong and signed out. 

Because ex-employees continue to throw rocks at King Kong, I’m inspired to throw rocks. 

Cubical Etiquette

One would think that people in the large cubical farms at the Shitshow would at least have respect for their fellow inmates, trying to minimize the torture of being stuck in a pen that make circus animals jealous, but you’d be wrong. 

Everyday it’s the same old thing; while I’m trying to work I have to put up with:

1) Someone using the speaker phone when dialing into a tele-conference

2) Someone on the phone cussing out their mom

3) People watching YouTube clips on their computers without using head phones

4) King Kong yelling at people

5) The stench of Queen Perfume as she walks by

6) Someone logging onto my computer and forgetting to log out

7) Someone trying to throw trash into someone else’s cube but missing and hitting mine

But I’m sure the Cubical Etiquette email sent out the department for the 6^th time this year will make a difference tomorrow. 

Because Jean Paul Sartre couldn’t even imagine the reality of the cubical farm and how there truly is No Exit, I throw rocks. 

The Missing Chair

The mass emails coming out the last couple of weeks have been hilarious.  From a stolen wooden spoon, to missing mac’n’cheese, to today’s gem of an email, the entertainment has been endless. 

Today’s email basically read: “Whoever took the leather chair from the hallway in building x, please immediately return it.  These chairs were slated for a new executive conference room.”

Normally this is the way people upgrade chairs. People either cannibalize a chair from a cubical of someone who recently retired, moved or died or they find a chair in the hallway and claim finder keepers.  You wouldn’t think this type of street thug mentality would be required for a basic need such as a chair, but you’d be wrong.  You see, chairs are one of those little things the Shitshow doesn’t let get in its way when convincing you that they care about you.  That said; the Shitshow is happy to offer you a corporate discount on a Herman Miller chair if you’d like to purchase one for yourself. 

Because I can only hope that the person who stole the chair is sitting in it while eating mac’n’cheese with a large wooden spoon, I throw rocks.  

Mac'n'Cheese

Shortly after lunch today, another department wide email was sent out.  Again it was from the office administrator.  I immediately read it knowing it would provide the entertainment needed to get out of that post-lunch coma.  The email basically read:

The string of kitchen thefts continues!  Today someone stole my frozen mac’n’cheese from the freezer, which was clearly labeled with my name.  This resulted in me having to go to the cafeteria to buy a lunch. Please do not take other peoples food.   

Despite the fact that I love throwing rocks, I don’t condone stealing especially when it’s from an individual as opposed to the Shitshow. That said, I found it hilarious that someone would steel mac’n’cheese from the freezer.  I can only hope that the person who stole the mac’n’cheese was eating it with a large wooden spoon. 

Because I’m going to have to start using a pad lock on my Tupperware, I throw rocks. 

Spoon

For any lunchtime meeting between flunktional managers, lunch is always ordered, and no expense is spared, from grilled salmon, hand tossed salads and a dessert tray with a smorgasbord of handmade pastries. I guess one of the minions decided to throw a rock.

About an hour after lunch today, the office administrator sent an email to the entire group asking who took the large wooden spoon from the salad bowl to please immediately return it before the department is charged for the wooden spoon.

I almost fell out of my chair laughing when I read the email. I can only hope that at some meeting in the future someone uses it as retaliation the next time King Kong throws a chair.

Because an email about a wooden spoon was the best part of the day, I throw rocks.

The Two-Headed Monster

Because I love the topic of the Matrix so much, I have to write another post about it.
By having two bosses with conflicting goals, the Matrix is a two-headed monster. You have one boss (the Functional Manager) whose job it is to place you wherever your skills are best utilized, fostering your career development. On the other hand, you have another boss (The Team Lead) whose job it is to keep you busy and ensure assignments get completed on time. Two bosses, two different goals. So here's what happens:

If your manager does find an good opportunity for you (and that's a big if), your Team Lead will do everything possible to prevent you from capitalizing on it. This is especially true if you have really been a good, reliable employee to the Team. They aren't thankful for the years of hard work, they are accustomed to it. You are their property and so they will fight tooth and nail not to give you up, even temporarily, because it may jeopardize their empire.

So if laziness wasn’t a big enough factor hindering your manager from finding career opportunities for you, strong resistance from your "team" makes it all the more senseless for him to even try. This creates a mindset that he shouldn't even bother looking for career development opportunities for you. "They’ll never give him up, even if I do find something for him.” And this reinforces the laziness.

Because the Matrix is designed to prevent me from escaping the miserable routine that has become my "career", I throw rocks.

Under Management Review

About 6 months ago I applied to a job at a Shitshow company right down the street. I figured if I was stuck in the Shitshow Industry I might as well jump ship and get a nice little raise. Once again my experience is your entertainment.

First off, the career website didn’t allow you to upload a resume. I had to fill-in their template which didn’t allow copying and pasting from a word or text document. After spending a good half hour filling in my resume, I was ready to start applying. While I applied to a lot of jobs, one opening was an exact match to my “experience,” and even had the same basic job title I currently have.

I figured this would be a slam dunk, if nothing else I should get an interview. A couple days after applying to the job I received an email stating that my resume had passed initial screening and was now in management review. After that email I never heard anything. I checked back a couple times over the next couple weeks and the status was unchanged, while the status for all the other jobs I applied for stated I was no longer under consideration. I figured I still had a shot at making a little more money.

Fast forward 6 months, last night I checked the status again. Guess what? My resume is still under management review! Today I asked a couple people around the office if they knew anyone over at the Shitshow down the street. Turns out the fluncktional manager over at that Shitshow used to be a rising star at this Shitshow…now it all makes sense.

Because Shitshow is as Shitshow does, I throw rocks.

The Politician – IV

After months of being in the fast track the Politician started to realize that despite adding immeasurable intrinsic value to the Shitshow, his career was still on the fast track to nowhere.  It was time to take his future into his own future; it was time to start a local Tea Party group!

The Politician started telling me about his grand plans with the Tea Party and how he was sick of big government spending.  I pointed out that the Shitshow received 80% of its business from big government, so the first thing he should protest against is the Shitshow.  He just looked at me with a baffled look on his face and said “the Shitshow isn’t the problem, it’s all the other government spending.”

He then when on a rant a rave about Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, complaining about how the government is artificially keeping rates low by assuming all the risk of mortgages.  I then asked him didn’t he recently buy a condo, and didn’t he get a lower rate because of this?  Again he looked dumbfounded and said “my mortgage is just 1 of the millions, it doesn’t matter, besides I’m not the problem, the government is.” 

I then asked the Politician when he was planning on organizing his Tea Party group, he replied “while I’m at work, I’ll fit it in between my fast track projects”

Because the Politician’s story is just getting interesting, I throw rocks.