Free Lunch

In order to get their minions to show up to useless monthly staff meetings without having people charge overhead, flunktional managers have resorted to scheduling the meeting during lunch time while offering a free lunch!

What a great concept, have minions spend their lunch hour, listening to their flunktional managers spew useless information, for a free lunch.  Let’s break this down.  The free lunch cost at most 2 to 10 bucks a head, with offerings like:

Domino’s Pizza  

Buffet style overcooked chicken

Mystery Meat

Sandwiches that make Subway seem gourmet

In exchange for this “free lunch,” you get to listen to flunkies talk about nothing for an hour.  Or you could decide to work through lunch and get paid or go out to lunch and get good food without worrying about running into your flunktional manger while out.

I usually use this opportunity to throw rocks.  I either bring my own lunch to the meeting and charge overhead anyway and when asked why I charged overhead I just point out I didn’t eat the free lunch or I RSVP so lunch is ordered for me then I go out to eat in peace. 

Because there’s no such thing as a free lunch, I throw rocks. 

One Year and Still Throwing

One year ago to the date, the first rock was thrown. From NunnMcCurdy, to Bone Aero, to Lowlife Kong, to Mr. Sunshine, to Anonymous, to yours truly, 281 rocks have been thrown.

I’d like to thank our loyal followers for supporting us. I hope our stories have inspired you to throw your own rocks. For the new fans out there, if you haven’t already, I encourage you to browse through the archives.

Keep spreading the word, and keep throwing rocks. Like us on Facebook, follow us on Google, or subscribe to receive email updates.

Because we've barely scratched the surface of the Shitshow, we'll continue to throw rocks.

Earth Day….Well Kind Of

April 22 is the day people and companies around the world celebrate Earth Day.  Perhaps someone might want to tell the Shitshow. 

This year, the Shitshow celebrates Earth Day today, April 19^th.  At first I though this might be due to the fact that the Shitshow has multiple campuses in the area and each campus celebrated on a different day due to resources.  I asked one of the earth day organizers if they travel from campus to campus, they said no, each site coordinates their own Earth Day celebration.  Further more, I looked at the company website, and the only other local Shitshow Earth Day celebration is on Thursday April 21^st, still not on Earth Day.  I guess this is better than last year’s Earth Day celebration which was held a week after Earth Day.  

Because when it’s Earth Day at the Shitshow I have no idea what day it actually is, I throw rocks. 

Please Keep 500 Feet Away

The other day the head Shitshow flunky, that’s right the CEO, visited our site. This was a very important visit; it was his chance to show that he cared, that he was one of us, and that we really mattered. Of course this was done in pure Shitshow style.

In order to see the CEO speak you had to enter your name in the lottery where the Shitshow would select 20 regular employees to sit with the numerous number of regional flunky executive level managers. Imagine how special we all felt when we found out that out of the 5000+ minions, a whole 20 of us had the opportunity to see the CEO talk in person! For the 4980+ of us that weren’t selected? We could watch him talk on the intranet! What a treat! Of course, the winning 20 had a strict dress code to follow. After all, they were going to be in the eye sight of Shitshow royalty.

To make things even better, the corridors leading to the auditorium where the CEO was talking were blocked off and guarded by security. With the blockades in place, what is usually a 10 minute walk to cross campus turned into a 20 minute walk. Since this approach only inconvenienced common minions while protecting the CEO from seeing common folk, it was obviously justified.

Because minions are slapped with restraining orders when the CEO visits, I throw rocks.

Two to Life

The other day I met a recruiter for a non-Shitshow company. For a second, I had a moment of hope that I would be able to impress this person and get a new job or at least an interview. My hopes were quickly dashed when she asked me where I currently worked and how long I had been there for.

She told me that her company automatically throws away resumes from people who have worked at the Shitshow more than 2 years. I asked her why and she said:

“Past hiring experience has shown that hiring someone with more than 2 years of experience at the Shitshow has never worked out. After two years people get too ingrained in the Shitshow ways of focusing on processes, writing memos, generating powerpoint slides, and holding meetings for no apparent reason, as opposed to doing real work.”

I just laughed and told her that sounded like the Shitshow.

Because two years turns into a life sentence without even knowing it, I throw rocks.

T-Rod - IV

Today I celebrate.  The project I have working on with T-Rod is finally over!  Now this is where things take a Shitshow twist. 

 

Apparently lots of people on the project complained about T-Rod including the customer who T-Rod told to go stand in the corner.  Other people complained about his utter incompetence, while others complained about the fact he would play old Tom Leykis podcast so the entire work room could here it. I have never seen such a group of people ban together to throw rocks.  It made me proud. 

 

At any non-Shitshow company this would be more than enough reasons to layoff if not fire T-Rod but not at the Shitshow!  The Shitshow’s solution was to announce that T-Rod was transitioning off of the program and onto another program in yet another leadership position but this time in a field he has even less “expertise” in than the one he’d been working in for the last 20 years. 

 

Because the Shitshow’s solution to people throwing rocks is to simply move the target, I throw rocks.

I’m Going to Disneyland - II

True to my word, I went to Disneyland today!  In order to reduce the risk when I called in sick I used the phone system to call directly to my program manager’s voicemail as opposed to calling him directly.  It looked like all systems were go.

The day was off to a great start.  The weather was good and the spring break crowds weren’t scheduled for another week.  Despite Splash Mountain being closed all of the other major attraction were open.  I was actually having a good time, and the Shitshow wasn’t weighing me down. 

Suddenly out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw a familiar face.  I did a double take and sure enough it was my flunktional manager.  I didn’t know what to do, so I pulled down my hat as far as possible, lowered my head and slowly turned away.  I don’t think he saw me, but it’s hard to say for sure.  The rest of the day I was worried I’d run into my flunktional manager which sucked most of the fun out of that place. 

Because the Shitshow can even ruin a day of throwing rocks at the happiest place on earth, I throw rocks.