In Defense of Flunktional Managers - I

Some of you may be shocked by the title of this blog post, but I actually have to defend flunktional managers just this one time. As much as we like to blame them for our unhappiness and lack of career development, they aren’t the root cause of the problem. That would be giving them way too much credit. Think about it - If you listen to people complain about their management at any of the major Shitshows, their stories are all the same. That’s why so many people read this blog, because we can all identify with it. Could it be that we all “lucked out” with the worst management on the planet? That’d be quite a coincidence, wouldn’t it?

But poor functional management is just part of a broken system, a result of poor corporate strategies that have manifested themselves into what is known today as the modern Shitshow. Sure, functional managers have to take some of the blame. After all, couldn’t some of them at least step up and try to make a positive change? But keep in mind who these people are: managers are introverted engineers who got promoted (based on their technical expertise) to positions of leadership (that require people skills). As a result, there are a lot of managers with bad personalities, no leadership skills, and lacking any creativity or initiative to enact change. Now they’re supposed to know how manage people and develop career plans?

That’s where Corporate Leadership comes in. You see, these guys are responsible for the barrage of propaganda that tells us about how important our people are to the success of our Company, how we must develop employees and reward them, and how we must create an atmosphere of trust and collaboration. There is just one problem: there is no strategy to do any of it. Believe me, it’s true. I’ve done some digging and have come up with nothing. They just throw out a bunch of buzzwords, then expect each manager to figure everything out on their own. Oh wait, they do offer some links on the corporate website with recommended books to read on ‘Management’. I guess that’s the strategy.

Because problems go much higher than middle management, I throw rocks.

Queen Perfume – IV

Like many Bob figures at the Shitshow, Queen Perfume has discovered the joys of telecommuting.   What better way to make sure you don’t have to do any real work than by staying at home while “working.”

The other day we had an important meeting and of course it feel on a day where Queen Perfume was “working” from home.  Knowing this we sit up a teleconference number for her to dial in.   Long and behold she actually called in.  About 15 minutes into the meeting someone actually had a question for Queen Perfume.  The question was met with complete silence.   We asked again and gave directions on how to un-mute her phone, still silence.  We checked the telecon number and sure enough she was still dialed in.   We moved and from time to time would ping Queen Perfume to see if she was back.  Eventually we turned up the volume on the speaker phone all the way up and could here what sounded like someone sleeping in the background.  Oddly enough, the Queen never rejoined the call despite remaining dialed in the entire time.   

Because Queen Perfume as is useful on the phone as she is in person, I throw rocks.  

Logo - IV

Completing his Shitshow Logo Series, Mr. Sunshine gives us his fourth and final installment.  As with Logo-III, Mr. Sunshine brilliantly incorporated a heart which I find hilarious.  As with the other pieces in the Logo Series, if this reminds you of your own Shitshow, share it, print it, post it.  

The Art of Lying

So when I hired in to the Shitshow, I was told that the company offers career development. Supposedly, it’s one of the big selling points of the Matrix Management Model. You work directly under your Lead and IPT Lead, who give you your day-to-day assignments. Meanwhile, your Functional Manager evaluates your progress, helps you come up with a career plan, and periodically takes action to ensure you are on track on that career path. Now after several years of voicing my career aspirations to my Functional Management with absolutely zero action being taken on their part, I have finally figured out that there is absolutely zero career development at the Shitshow. But why did it take me so long to figure that out? Well, there are several reasons.

Having once been an altruistic college hire, I actually believed and trusted my management at one time. When management told me they saw leadership potential in me and that I should be primed for leadership position, I took it at face value. I was impressed that the company was taking a proactive approach in developing their employees.

Looking back, I realize now that the company had to tell me those things, to give me hope. What were they supposed to say? “Sorry, we just use engineers by draining the best years out of them and offer zero career development. But one day, decades from now, a leadership opportunity may open up and it will finally be your turn to get it . Wanna come work for us?” They should say that, because it’s the truth, but they don’t.

So instead they lie, and they lie hard. They not only lie to you when you hire in, they have an ongoing propaganda campaign about the value of empowering and developing employees. It's everywhere you look. Whether it be through corporate newsletters, the company website, posters in the hallway, or interviews with the CEO, they can't shut up about the importance of career development and talent retention. The company line is that we value the individual and offer real career development. And this propaganda campaign is simply a method con us for as long as possible, so that we do the grunt work for as long as possible.

Because offering false hope is the corporate strategy, I throw rocks.

Logo - III

With the third installment in his Logo Series, Mr. Sunshine gives us his take on yet another Shitshow logo.  I was cracking up when I read the tag and noticed how the curves almost make a heart.    As with the previous logos, if this logo looks like it might have been inspired by your Shitshow print it out and spread it around. 

A conversation with Mr. Sunshine

I had the opportunity to sit down with Mr. Sunshine the other day and ask him some questions during lunch.  Below is the conversation he had over some z-pizza and what some would claim the best green tea ever.  

Jacko:  Can you tell us a little about you?

Mr. Sunhine: I’m not sure where I should start so I guess I’ll begin at the beginning and go on till I come to the end: then stop.  When you recently approached me about contributing my artistic capabilities (which many would argue is little to none) to his blog I was a little surprised.  I was a little weary that there was a place for me on the blog but after reading your post for the last 6 months, reading the Throwing Mud comic strips, and following “artist” like Mr. Brainwash I figured I too could use my “skills” to throw rocks.   

Jacko:   I’m glad you took me up on the offer.  I’ve gotten a kick out of your first two logos and can’t wait to see the other two.  When will they be ready?  

Mr. Sunshine:  Ha, I’m glad you enjoyed the first two, and thank you for posting them for me.  The next two will be ready next week.  I’ve already got the first cut of the third one done, however I need to make it bigger.  The fourth one has been sketched out but I still need to make a digital version of it.  

Jacko: I can't wait and you're welcome!  Posting your images is the least I can do.  Can you tell us where you came up with the name Mr. Sunshine. 

Mr. Sunshine:   Mr. Sunshine was a nickname of a friend of mine who recently moved to greener pastures.  This guy was so desperate to escape the Shitshow he took a 6 month contract position for a company in the entertainment industry.  His contract basically gave him no benefits and no promise of more than 6 moths of work (and possibly less than 6 months) yet he didn’t even think twice about jumping at the opportunity.  His nickname was given as a result of his ever to sarcastic (actually it was just honest and frank) outlook on the Shitshow.

Jacko:   Nice, I know who you are talking about but I didn’t realize he had a nickname.  That guys was one of the few legit people at the Shitshow, it’s a shame he left but I can’t blame him.   

Mr. Sunshine:  Yeah, I couldn’t agree more.  But you know his flunktional manager was happy Mr. Sunshine left because he could now replace Mr. Sunshine with a flunky warm body who did't have any work to do. 

Jacko:  So true.  Is there anything else you’d like to say? 

Mr. Sunshine:  I hope people are printing out the logos and posting them around the office.  It’s a great idea and if people follow through it will be hilarious.  The more people that print it out and post it the more important the images will become, it’s a form of positive feedback.   

Jacko:  Thanks for joining me at Z-Pizza for lunch and sharing your story with me.  

Mr. Shunshine:  My pleasure.  The pizza is good and I've been wanting to try the green tea here, I've heard it's really good. 

Career Advancement at a Snail's Pace

Career advancement at the Shitshow is a very slow process. It's like hazing: everyone hates the current system, but whoever gets past it is against letting the next group have it easy. This slow process goes something like this (if you're lucky):
- Engineer
- Engineering Lead (minimum 8yrs experience)
- IPT Lead (minimum 16yrs experience)
- Functional Manager (minimum 20yrs experience)
- Program Manager (minimum 30yrs experience)
- Corporate Executive (minimum 30yrs experience)

While this is a rough guideline, it holds true for the most part. Sadly, there isn't much an eager young engineer can do to advance his career other than wait for his time to come. There is really no way to get ahead at the Shitshow other than being at the right place at the right time: the “right place” being a location where you hear that a position has opened up; the “right time” meaning that you have put in your time at the Shitshow, so your seniority now makes you eligible to be considered for the position. Even though you have learned nothing new and have been doing the same repetitive tasks for 10yrs, somehow you are more qualified for leadership because you’re 10yrs older.

Come to think of it, there are a few factors that can accelerate your career advancement, such as:
- the program is in a growth phase
- you’re a good brown-noser
- you’re an a-hole, so people assume you're serious about work
- you latch on to a rising star who promotes you whenever he gets promoted
- you are hated by your subordinates and promoting you is easier than firing you
- any combination of these factors

But be aware, there are factors that can slow down your career advancement also, such as:
- the program is in a declining phase
- you’re good at what you do, so you're indispensable at your current position
- you’re fun and pleasant, which must mean you don’t take this job seriously
- you’re well educated, thus resented by anyone who isn’t
- you’re a team player, rather than only looking out for yourself
- you humbly accept blame when appropriate

Of course, no one at the Shitshow will tell you about these factors explicitly, at least not on record. But here they are, for all to see. Let it be known to all that there is no career advancement at the Shitshow until you have put in your time, and even then it's a maybe.

Because I don’t have all the time in the world to get promoted to a position I won’t even want by the time I get it, I throw rocks.

Logo - II

Continuing with his Logo Series, Mr. Sunshine offers you Logo - II. Again, if this logo rings a bell with you, I encourage you to print out multiple copies and post it as many places as you can.  This movement will only work with your help.  See Taking it from the street to the Shitshow and Logo - I for more details.  

Fire Alarm Drill - II

I thought I’d post a little follow-up to the recent post titled “Fire Alarm Drill”
As you know, a fire-alarm drill was conducted in the rain a few weeks ago, followed up by an email from Functional Management that nobody is allowed to charge to “Overhead Cost” and that employees will be expected to make up the time on their own. Of course, the idea is to keep indirect costs down. Functional Management doesn’t want 1000 employees charging 30min to “Overhead Cost” because that’s what Functional Management charges to. It’s their Bread and Butter. They want to keep “Overhead Cost” low so that they can stay off the radar. Somebody might notice that we pay these guys to do nothing.

In the aftermath of the fire drill and ensuing email, employees were pissed. They were so pissed that for the next two hours, that’s all they could talk about. Everyone was chatting away about how ridiculous it is that they had to stand out in the rain, and now they’re expected to make it up on their own time. As a result, the Program had 1000 employees not working for 2hrs, so the Program lost 2000 man-hrs of production time as a result. So rather than saving 500 man-hours, the Company (Shitshow) lost 2000 man-hours; a net loss of 1500 man-hours.

Now the million dollar question: Does Functional Management care?
Answer: Nope, thanks to the beauty of the Matrix Management Model.

You see, the 2000 lost man-hours that resulted from employee frustration only affects the Program. Therefore, the added cost is Program Management’s problem. Functional Management doesn’t give a damn. Their bonuses are based on an entirely different budget, one in which saving five cents in “Overhead Cost” is preferable to adding one dollar in Program Cost. And the Shitshow then tells its employees to always do “what’s best for the company”. But as usual, Functional Management is only looking out for themselves.

Because what’s good for functional managers is bad for the company, I throw rocks.

Logo - I

Mr. Sunshine has come through on his promise to make a logo for the "major 4" Shitshows out there. If this logo rings a bell with you, I encourage you to print out multiple copies and post it as many places as you can.  This movement will only work with your help.

See Taking it from the street to the Shitshow for the history behind this movement. In a future post Mr. Sunshine will share with us the significance of his pen name, a story truly worthing throwing rocks for.  

Taking it from the street to the Shitshow

The other night I saw a very inspiring documentary about street art, Exit Through the Gift Shop. The documentary showed how street artists took their art to the street to make a statement. Many of the artists would plaster the same image over and over again at different locations around the world. During the movie I thought to myself why not start throwing rocks at the Shitshow with this type of art movement.

After the movie I reached out to a friend who is also stuck at the Shitshow but who is also an artist, Mr. Sunshine. We brainstormed about what we could do, and more importantly what you could do.

If you haven’t already, I encourage you to print out Janser’s previously posted Throwing Mud comic strips. Post them in your cube, on your office door, on shared bulletin boards, and so on. This will be good practice for the next step.

Over the next couple of weeks, I will be releasing Mr. Sunshine images on this blog. The first four will be Mr. Sunshine’s interpretations of the “major 4” Shitshow logos. When your Shitshow logo is released, print out multiple copies and post them around your work area on cubes, in kitchens, on bathroom stalls, on office windows and so on.

Rock throwing tip: You may need to print the logos at home and make copies at work, that way they don’t track your user logon to the print job.

Because you work at a Shitshow, it’s time to start throwing rocks.

Contract Oversight - III

Another day at the Shitshow and another legendary meeting with an independent reviewer. Now remember, these independent reviewers are supposed to be the crème de le crème, the best in the industry. See Contractor – I and Contractor – II.

At today’s meeting the independent reviewer was supposed to be a subsystem expert. The only problem was that she didn’t know the basics of the subsystem. The entire meeting was spent giving the equivalent of a college freshman introduction to a potential major. Half the time she tried to ask a question, she couldn’t even figure out how to ask what she didn’t understand.

After the meeting she left and a couple of us stuck around. One of the senior managers who stuck around after the meeting said “man, there is some major overhead associated with that reviewer.”

Because independent reviewers can make Queen Perfume seem like she’s at the head of the class, I throw rocks.

Facilities Management

I did a walk through of the Shitshow building today. I couldn't but help notice that there are alot of empty cubes on my floor. It's quite a change, considering at one point we had so many people, that we sometimes had two engineers doubled up in one cube. How did this cubicle vacancy happen? Perhaps some people retired, or maybe it was just a result of the multiple moves we have had over the years.

Nobody ever really moves anywhere, they just get reshuffled to different cubicles. Moves happen when management has extra budget sitting around. Rather than spend it on employee development, they decide to blow the extra budget by reshuffling everyone around to create more "synergy". The flaw in this effort is that engineers don't communicate with each other anyway. You could have two engineers sit directly next to each other, and they will still communicate only by email or IM. I know one engineer who, after five moves, ended up in the exact same cube he started in. Very effective.

Of course, when there is no excess budget, they don't move anyone. So as I'm walking through the building today, I see not only empty cubes and empty offices, but then I come across some new hires that STILL doubled up in one cube. All these empty cubes, and these guys are STILL sharing a cube the size of a ping-pong table!

"Sorry, we'd love to move you, but we don't have any budget. Also, you're not allowed to move yourselves either, as that would violate company rules.
Sincerely,
- Management"

Because I should feel lucky to have my own cube, I throw rocks.

Fire Alarm Drill

Last week the Shitshow held a fire alarm drill. For this test we all had to evacuate our building, wait outside until building sweeps were performed, take roll call outside and report any missing persons. All and all it’s about a 30 minute drill. I’m all for being prepared but of course this was done in pure Shitshow style.

The day the drill was held was the rainiest day of the year. It was known for days in advance that the chances of rain were 90% but the Shitshow didn’t care. It was also known that the storm would have passed by the next day, but I guess when there is so much Shitshow momentum involved it’s impossible to postpone for a day.

It gets better. In an effort to save money, we were asked to perform this mandatory drill on our own time. We weren’t allowed to charge overhead nor were we allowed to charge to the program we were working on. To help us find an extra 30 minutes of our time, it was suggested that we take a shorter lunch or stay an extra half hour today.

Because being safe at the Shitshow requires me to stand out in the cold wet rain unpaid, I throw rocks.

The Secret of My Success

In today’s post, I offer a quote from a great 80s movie called The Secret of My Success, starring Michael J. Fox. The film is about a recent college grad who struggles to get a foothold in the business world. I believe the quote pretty much sums up how crazy things are for someone looking for that first job or trying to change careers.

In one of the first scenes, Brantley Foster (played by Michael J. Fox), a confident, young college grad, has just wrapped up an interview with the hiring manager of a prospective employer.

Hiring Manager: I'm sorry, Mr. Foster. We need someone with experience.
Brantley Foster: But how can I get any experience until I get a job that GIVES me experience?
Hiring Manager: If we gave you a job just to give you experience, you'd take that experience and get a better job. Then that experience would benefit someone else.
Brantley Foster: Yeah, but I was trained in college to handle a job like this, so in a sense I already have experience.
Hiring Manager: What you've got is college experience, not the practical, hard-nosed business experience we're looking for. If you'd joined our training program out of high-school, you'd be qualified for this job now.
Brantley Foster: Then why did I go to college?
Hiring Manager: [laughs] Well you had fun, didn't you?

(Sadly, it’s even worse if you went back to school for a Masters because you probably didn’t have any fun doing it.)

Because every business out there wants someone with experience and believes nobody is worth training, I throw rocks.

Slap Silly

At a staff meeting today Jim, one of the flunktional managers, announced he was leaving his position to take a program management role. It took us all by surprise since this flunky had only been in the position for about a year. After Jim’s announcement, his manager (a Zookeeper in Training) started to give a good-bye thank you speech in pure Shitshow fashion. The speech started off with a quick thank you then went into to a long description on what he would like Jim’s replacement to be doing. Translation, I want the new flunktional manager to do all the things that Jim either didn’t or wasn’t able to due. What a slap in the face, even for the Shitshow.

It get’s better. The Zookeeper in Training then says “so if any of you know someone with those skills please tell them to apply to the job opening.” Translation, no one in this room is going to get the job (so much for career development within your own function) but please spread the word to those who are qualified. What a skill, the Zookeeper in Training was able to slap everyone in the room in one quick swipe.

Any one with people management common sense could easily tell you that what the Zookeeper in Training did was wrong on every single level, but as you know people skills is not a requirement to be management at the Shitshow.

Because the only people skill the Zookeeper in Training has is slapping people silly, I throw rocks.

Must Have Prior Experience

As some of you may have surmised, I am desperately trying to get out of engineering and into a leadership position, such as management. Unfortunately, my efforts are hindered by one requirement that I see in every single job posting I come across: every management position out there (including those at the Shitshow) is looking for someone with prior management experience.

Now I have a beef with that because it implies that anyone with prior management experience will be a better manager than anyone without management experience. But if every person in management was a good manager, why do so many people hate their jobs and their bosses? Why do so many people see their bosses as incompetent? Why do so many companies go from cutting edge to falling behind the pack? Poor management, of course. In fact, poor management is so common that there is even a saying in the Consulting Industry: “If you don’t know the root of the problem, take a look at Management. If still you can’t find what’s wrong, take another look at Management.”

So why is everyone pretending that management experience is always a plus? There are a ton of bad managers out there, and the business world just keeps shuffling them around. If you ask me, there are a lot more bad managers out there than good ones. Odds are you’d be better off hiring someone without management experience. At least then there’d be a chance for some fresh new ideas. Yes, I know that’s just wishful thinking. I just hope that by the time I do get some managerial experience, I won’t be jaded, having learned everything from the “mentors” above me at the Shitshow.

Because even the worst managers at the Shtishow are still more marketable than me, I throw rocks.

Timing is Everything

Aerospace is a cyclical industry that is dependent on new government contracts. A new contract comes around when the US government expresses a need for a new military plane, space shuttle, satellite, etc. That’s when all the major defense contractors (the Shitshows) submit their bids to win the contract. If your Shitshow just so happens to be the winner (biggest liar), then you have the beginnings of a new program that is sure to last several years. So today I offer another invaluable lesson to all the budding engineers, again, so that they do not make the same mistakes I have made in my career.

Lesson #23: Timing is Everything – Career growth is entirely dependent on when you join a new program.

Here’s the rundown. If you join a new program in the honeymoon period (first 1-2 years), then your future is bright. You were one of the first engineers hired onto a program that is projected to grow rapidly in the next few years due to the increased scope of work. Naturally, with an increase in workforce must come an increase in management, especially at bureaucracies like the Shitshow (see post titled “An Abundance of Dunces”) Who better to promote to these leadership/management positions than the guys who have been there the longest? (Sure, one could make the argument that perhaps promoting someone based on their unique skill set and hard work should be a factor. But this is the Shitshow; nobody has time to think about that when you can just sort everyone in a spreadsheet by “Date of Hire”)

Most of the hiring on the program happens just after the honeymoon period. This is when they hire all the work monkeys. If you got hired after the honeymoon, you got duped. At your interview, they probably told you there was lots of work and that the program is still growing. They probably told you that the older engineers will soon be retiring, and there will be many opportunities for promotion (See post titled “The Decaying Workforce”). Once again, nothing could be further from the truth.

The only people that get promoted after the honeymoon period are those that already have a foot on the ladder. In the coming years, there will be only be a few more opportunities and you can be assured that they will be given only to those people already within the current leadership (Most senior engineer to Lead, Lead to IPT Lead, IPT Lead to Functional Manager, Functional Manager to Program Manager, and so on). Things that don’t factor into the equation at all are: unique skills, hard work, drive, or initiative. In fact, showing off any of those traits at this point in the program only makes you look like a sucker. Save your energy and wait for the next new program.

Because I'd have more opportunties for advancement working at McDonald’s, I throw rocks.

Take That Personality Down

Given that our new cubical farm is the greenest place at the Shitshow (see A Tale of Two Cities - II) it’s become a showcase for visiting flunky executives. Luckily it’s just a rocks throw away from the new executive suite.

Today we were all forced to take down any personal items we used to give our "cells" a personal touch. People were forced to remove such things as football and basketball team flags, any comic strip postings tacked to the cubical walls and best of all any plants. That’s right! Plants have no place in the greenest building at the Shitshow.

Because prisoners have more decorating options, I throw rocks.

Customer Relations and Parking

As mentioned in A Tale of Two Cities – II, previously unused storage space was converted into a mass cubical farm. Hundreds and hundreds of flunkies were moved in. One little problem, only 20 new parking spaces were added.

The Shitshow justification? All the newly moved people can use the near by parking structure which is only a 5 minute walk. The only problem with that idea was that the parking structure was pretty much already over flowing (another company uses that parking structure as well as flunkies that were previously moved to another unused Shitshow storage space).

The icing on the cake is that of the 20 newly added spaces, the Customer Relations group has 8 of those spaces reserved. That’s right, even though any customer who works with the Shitshow usually doesn’t come back and the Shitshow has only had a hand full of new customers in the last 10 years the Customer Relations group is treated like royalty. In fact, customers have left half way through projects, others sue us while they are customers, and still others will seek a new company to work with even if they just want an exact copy of what we delivered last time. And yet the privileged few in the Customer Relations group get preferential parking at the new building.

Because the Shitshow rewards continued failure with primo parking spots, along with all our former customers I throw rocks.