Santa Kong - II

While working today, adding value to the bottom line, I saw an advertisement for this on facebook.  I almost fell out of my chair laughing.  Despite not being produced by a Throwing-Rocks family member I figured it was still worthy of a post and a purchase.  

You can pick up your own Santa Kong here.

Because this shirt captures the Christmas spirit at the Shitshow, I throw rocks. 

The (Revolving) Door Code – III

It’s not bad enough that the door code for the front and back doors randomly change without notice, even labs within those walls have door code locks.  However these have their own Shitshow twist.  

So we all know, if you don’t know the door code for the front door you just have to wait until someone eventually opens the doors (of course the time you wait gets charged to the company).   But what about a seldom used lab door code? 

Easy, you just look for the penciled in door code on or near the door.  That’s right, someone always writes the super secret lab door code on the wall next to the lab door. 

Because the writing is on the wall at the Shitshow, I throw rocks.  

Giving Thanks

I’m thankful the Shitshow gives me non-stop entertainment.  I’m thankful Queen Perfume reminds me that my nose works.  I’m thankful King Kong helps his minions keep in shape by making them dodge chairs. 

Because, I could write a post everyday for the rest of my life and not run out of stories, I’m thankful I have rocks to throw.  

Mr. Sunshine on Canvas

Mr. Sunshine just throw an awesome rock! He helped one of the good young talents at the Shitshow get a job at direct competitor.  Surprisingly the competitor isn't a Shitshow, which must be why they are dominating the market.

In celebration, Mr. Sunshine made this for his departing friend, feel free to print it out and hang it in your cube.  Sticking with the sad hearts and the slogan of "living the dream" this is an instant classic.  

Because this image sums up life at the Shtishow, I throw rocks.

We’re Here to Pump You Up

What used to be a descent sized break room, with some vending machines and some chairs is now half the size it used to be, the other half was turned into latest thing for managers to brag about, a gym!

Of course the gym was done in pure Shitshow style. 

The gym is a whopping 10’ x 10’ foot room, with low ceilings.  To maximize this newly reclaimed space, the Shitshow packed so many exercise machines in the room that the walkway around the machines is so narrow only one person can walk in it, if there is another person trying to walk pass you need to either slide in between machines or actually get on one to make room.  

Despite the fact people would be working up a sweat, they only air circulation in the room is a tiny ceiling mounted fan in the corner which you can’t even feel if you’re not right in front of it. 

To help cover any chance of worker lawsuits, in order to use the gym you have to get a waiver from the medical office (assuming you can even find the medical office, and if you do good luck getting there when it’s actually opened), stating you’re in good health and won’t hold the Shitshow responsible for any injuries resulting from using the equipment or any medical complications resulting from exercising. 

Because much like Hanz and Franz, the Shitshow’s attempt to pump you up is a complete joke, I throw rocks.  

Shitshow Characters: Loud Mouth Sally

To continue our Shitshow Character series, this week we present Loud Mouth Sally:

 Loud Mouth Sally– A co-worker who intentionally speaks loudly when others are nearby so they can witness what a "hard worker" she is. To be clear, the Loud Mouth is capable of speaking in a normal tone. She just chooses to speak loudly when it is to her benefit. For example, if someone of important stature is nearby, you will suddenly hear the Loud Mouth raise her tone. She usually does it while bragging to someone on the phone or at her cube about how early she came in, how many hours she has worked this week, or how many assignments she is working on --- all in the hopes that people nearby will overhear this. Even if the conversation she is engaged in is negative, she will use the opportunity to talk over that person and brag about herself. For example, if someone is accusing her of being late on her assignment, she will use the opportunity to brag about how late she worked last night. And because most people aren't loud talkers, people nearby never hear the criticism; all they hear is that she worked late last night.

 One thing is for sure, her strategy to be overheard is effective. I know because it is incredibly difficult to get any work done when Loud Mouth Sally is speaking loudly. It is both annoying and fascinating to listen to all the bull$#!t coming out of her mouth. I'd like to think that people see through her bull$#!t like I do. But since she has already been promoted to a higher position than me, I guess the strategy has been working for her. 

Because self propaganda is a rewarded practice around here, I throw rocks.

Phone Interview

After years of wanting to drive off a cliff on the way to work, today I had what thought might be a sliver of hope, a reason to wake up and go to work, a light at the end of the tunnel, I had phone interview with a non-Shitshow company!  

I was pretty excited; I couldn’t help but start to day dream that this was my chance to get out of the Shitshow.  At 3:30pm I placed the call and to my surprise the functional manager I was to talk answered the phone (at the Shitshow flunktional managers are next to impossible to fine). 

The first question I was asked sealed my fate.  “What part of your current job don’t you like?”  I froze like a deer in the headlights. 

I couldn’t focus.  Flashes of King Kong throwing chairs and screaming at me raced through my head. I could smell Queen Perfume while flashes of her asking me the most idiotic questions.  Thoughts of being forced to follow processes written by new hires which require writing a 20 page report for a 2 page test swirled in my head.  I kept drifting in and out of the HR Twilight Zone where I was being told if I didn’t already work here I’d be the perfect candidate for a position here. 

The manager on the phone sensed my hesitation, eventually I sputtered out, “there seems to be a lot of process red tape which often times makes getting the job done harder than it needs to me.”    The manager responded with “interesting, please tell me more.  My Dad used to work at the Shitshow, I’m really interested in understanding how that place works.” 

The rest of the interview had nothing to do with my skill set or work experience; it was completely focused on the manager trying to understand the incomprehensible nature of the Shitshow.  Of course my explanations only left more questions and made no sense to the outsider which resulted in me being written off as not being able to clearly communicate.  At the end of the interview I was basically given that famous line of “don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

Because the light at the end of the tunnel was nothing more than a train, I throw rocks.