A Tale of Two Flunky Managers

As if working for King Kong isnt bad enough, imagine working for King Kong and the Zookeeper at the same time. Meaning both of them come to your meetings all the time and give you "direction" and "career advice". King Kong's typical career advice usually consists of him screaming at you for 5 to 10 minutes and then telling you phrases like "do this because I say so" or "I know more than you, Ive been doing this longer".

Anyways, I digress. Recently the Zookeeper made the project that I work on a "lean initiative" project. Who knows what the hell that means? Part of this lean directive was to prioritize tasks and make sure that each member of your team has one task at a time and not to start a new task until the current one is completed. The Zookeeper told me that if I dont use this lean strategy then "its my way or the highway". Nothing motivates people like bullying and intimidation tactics. I decided to start using this strategy because I have no choice and then King Kong comes to one of my status meetings and gets concerned we are "spending too much time on problems and not sarting new tasks to flush out new problems". King Kong goes into his usual fit of rage on me so I tell him that his boss, the Zookeeper, told me to do this. King Kong just sat there with a stupid look on his face and said he will talk to him about "the direction the project needs to go in". I never heard back from either of them.

Because Shitshow management cant even agree on a flunky management style, I throw rocks.

King Kong in the Elevator

So today at the Shitshow, I ran into an employee who has gone to human resources multiple times about King Kong and she stopped me to tell me a story. Before I tell you what happened, let me give the kind reader a little background on the history between these two employees. One time we were all sitting in a worthless daily status meeting to discuss "progress" and she was commenting on her problem report titled "Bad Attitude Seen in Test Case" and after she commented about her status, King Kong blabbers out "who is going to fix her bad attitude!". Nearly everyone in the room sat their speechless and just stared at King Kong as he started to laugh hysterically. Keep in mind, this is a functional manager......so she went to Human Resources.

Anyways, she stops me to tell me a story that she was riding the elevator up to the top of the building and along the way, it stops and in walks King Kong. She said she simply said "hi" and King Kong looked the other way and pretended to ignore her. I mean, think about how bad is this is? Two people are confined in an elevator that is like a box 5 feet by 5 feet in size. Shouldnt the flunktional manager be a "people person" and take the initiative to smooth over the incident? It seems like the 25 year old female employee was mature enough to at least extend an olive branch of peace and tell him "hi". You figure a 55 year old flunktional manager could at least be mature enough to tell her "hi" back. What a total joke.

Because King Kong insults employees and wont apologize and then goes on to ignore them in elevators, I throw rocks.

King Kong: A Love Story

So when you see horrible manangement like King Kong you often have to wonder how someone like that got into that position in the first place. So I did some research on King Kong and found at that he graduated from the esteemed university of Chico State at the age of 28. How freakin impressive! I also found that his father used to be a manager in our department.....well now this is all starting to make sense! I mean, how can a person so incompetent get into a position of management? Only at the Shitshow! Nepotism runs deep! I mean who can get away with having a retention rate of less than 5 years for all employees, throw chairs as a way to cope with anger management, scream at the top of his lungs at employees, have every project that he is in charge of go millions of dollars over budget and years behing schedule......that's shitshow management material if you ask me. If anything, the Zookeeper should be worried that King Kong might take his job for flunking more than he ever could imagine.

Because my dad didnt get me a promotion to management at the Shitshow for throwing chairs and screaming at employees, I throw rocks.

Flunktional Management Arrogance

So one thing that I have noticed at the Shitshow is the complete arrogance and downright delusional nature of the Flunktional management. One of the things that amazes me is that some good employee who has been at the Shitshow for 5, 10, 15 and maybe even 20 years or longer may seem to not be happy with how he/she is being treated and flunktional management could seem to care less. One who think they would want to sit down with an employee and talk to them "man to man" and try to understand why the employee is unhappy or what it is that they could do to help the situation, but thats not how it works. When an employee becomes unhappy, flunktional management just shuns them and takes the approach that "well, we could never do anything wrong, its something wrong with THEM." and they just completely ignore the problem. They all like to make up phrases like "well he/she just couldnt handle the pressure" or maybe something like "well they werent a good fit for the role" The next thing that happens is that the employee becomes so fed up that they eventually leave the company and when this happens the flunktional management's true arrogance shows. Let me give an example:

One employee I know who worked there for 15 years decided to leave because she was being treated like crap went to her flunktional manager to give two weeks notice and his response was "Great! Whens your last day?". One would think that the flunktional manager would at least want to know why the person was leaving or show some remorse that a valued employee who had been at the company 15 years decided to pack up and leave or maybe even try to talk to person into stating. After all the Shitshow has a lot of time and knowledge invested in this employee. Oh no, Flunktional management arrogance will have nothing to do with that. Good riddance!

Because flunktional management thinks they can do no wrong and they think that the reason people leave has nothing to do with their flunky style of management, I throw rocks.

NunnMcCurdy Retires: Lowlife Kong Takes Over

As the loyal blog followers know, NunnMcCurdy recently left the Shitshow in search of greener pastures so I will be retiring from my blog posting. I still think that I have had enough awful experiences at the Shitshow to write an infinite amount of posts but thinking about that place depresses me. When I hear phrases like CCB meetings and ECRs, I get flashbacks much like a Vietnam veteran who hears a balloon pop and thinks it is a landmine......

....but dont worry. I have found another person who works in King Kong's group who shares the same level of disgust that I do and has volunteered to take over and post blog entries in my retirement. His name is Lowlife Kong. So today is a day of somewhat mixed emotions for Nunn McCurdy. Part of me is sad about leaving the blog behind but the other half of me is happy for finally turning the page on King Kong's tyranny and the Shitshow. Anyways, its been fun and I will still try to read the blog on occassion and mix in a post once in a while for old times sake.

Because so many people hate the Shitshow, I have found people to throw rocks for me.

Jack Welch and Toyota

For some sick reason, most of the Flunktional Management at the Shitshow pride themselves on name dropping two things:

1.) The famous former General Electric CEO, Jack Welch. He is known the world over for being one of the best CEOs in the history of corporate America and is credited for building the GE empire that current CEO, Jeff Immelt, is trying so hard to destroy. Well anyways, all of the Flunktional managers pride themselves on name dropping Jack Welch and some even go as far as to put multiple Jack Welch books up on display in their offices. One time I went into the Zookeeper's office to complain that King Kong had violently erupted at me in front of 15 people at a meeting in one of his primordial anger episodes and I noticed that the Zookeeper must be one of Jack Welch's biggest fans. What a complete and total joke. If Welch saw how the Zookeeper ran the department at the Shitshow, his first order of business would be to fire King Kong and the Zookeeper. I mean, what talent is lost by doing this? Neither of them have any technical knowledge and they both just spew meaningless corporate buzz phrases all the time and drive all the talented employees out of the company.

2.) Toyota Lean Processes. For some reason, the Shitshow prides themselves on following Lean Engineering and Lean Manufacturing. The Zookeeper even goes as far as to put "Toyota Lean Process" books on display in his office. What a complete and utter joke. It costs the Shitshow 500 dollars to brew a cup of Folgers and they pride themselves on being lean? Let's hope Japan doesnt enter the Aerospace market or its game over for the Shitshow.

Because the Shitshow covers up its incompetence and general flunky nature with empty talk about Toyota Lean Processes and Jack Welch, I throw rocks.

A New Generation of Flunktional Management

One of the things that I find amazing at the Shitshow is how flunktional management get to be in their positions. Recently after my departure from the Shitshow, I got wind from several of my disgruntled coworkers that two new flunktional managers had been named in my old department run by the Zookeeper. It turns out both of them were in their mid-twenties and had been out of college less than 5 years. Shouldnt a functional manager be someone experienced and respected by their peers? How can a 25 year old command the respect of a 55 year old engineer witbh 30 years experience? Does anyone else think this is abosutely crazy or is this just me? But I guess this makes some sense when you look at who gets to choose the functional management that we call "Flunktional management"......the Zookeeper and King Kong. I mean, its like they are throwing darts at a board when they choose flunktional management.....or maybe its like throwing chairs at an employee for King Kong.

Because the Shitshow has functional managers who are so incompetent and command no respect such that I have to call them FLUNKTIONAL managers, I throw rocks.

401(k) Rollover

After leaving the Shitshow, one of the first things that I tried to do was rollover my 401(k) account from the crumby one the Shitshow FORCES all employees to use in order to get the company match which is only paid in Shitshow stock (see the Proud Shareholder post). So in my retirement account, I have the choice of crappy managed funds with sky high fees or Shitshow stock. Boy I guess I dont need to worry with a nest egg like that! I am sure the Shitshow is getting kickbacks from the 401(k) management to charge these high fees as long as the Shitshow forces all of its employees to use their services. Anyways, I digress......so I tried to rollover my account and of course they make it nearly impossible to read the website and find the forms necessary to withdraw money but they post the forms to rollover money TO their service on the front page. Go figure. So I call the Shitshow help line and I literally spent 30 minutes being routed around an automated phone system with no option of speaking to a live operator. It was so ridiculous because they made me keep saying out loud for the automated system my last 4 digits of social security number, my address, etc and after I finished reciting this nonsense, the automated system would tell me that it didnt understand what I said and to "please repeat it". After repeating my address, name, etc 25 times, I finally got frustrated and hung up. What great customer service the Shitshow has for its employees who trust the fate of their retirement with them. I can only imagine the type of investment advice these flunkies would give.

Because I cannot even speak to a human being to get my hard earned retirement money from the greedy claws of the Shitshow, I throw rocks.

Shitshow Requirements

During one of my many pointless days at the Shitshow, my moron manager, King Kong, had me working on a government project "mapping requirements". For those of you who dont know what this means, its Shitshow terminology for pissing tax payer's dollars down the toilet. Basically, it involves flowing down requirements from System Requirement Specifications to lower level subsystem specifications and providing a justification of how the Shitshow meets these requirements. Some of the requirements actually make sense but a vast majority of them are written by Bob figures and are just incoherent rambling nonsense. So one day I was trying to document justifications for fulfilling requirements and stumbled across one that blew my mind. The requirement stated "Only the best and brightest shall work on this project"......are you kidding me? Only at the Shitshow would you ever see something this retarded. How the hell do I show that we meet this requirement? Especially since we have Bob figures everywhere, King Kong throwing chairs, The Zookeeper running the department into the ground. I mean, give me a break, we have nothing but a crew of flunkies working at the Shitshow. Nonetheless, I lied and made up some rambling nonsense about "flunktional management selecting only the top notch engineers best suited for the project"......I know what youre thinking......what a value added excercise this is.

Becuase the Shitshow is filled with flunkies who screw everything up and they get credit for being the best and the brightest, I throw rocks.

Explanation of Benefits

So today I come home from my new non-Shitshow job where I actually do real work and I had a package that the post office has had at its office for weeks and they keep sending me post cards to come pick it up.....so today I went to get it. When I went to the post office, they made me sign for it and it was literally 6 inches of paper in 3 envelopes. As I wondered what in the world this could be, I noticed the Shitshow logo on it. So I open it up and it is literally volumes of documentation about my health care package, dental package, etc. Pages and pages of legal crap and the title was "Explanation of Benefits"....so I glanced at it and thumbed through a few of the pages and basically all it was trying to say was that since I had left the company that my healthcare would be expiring soon and the Shitshow wasnt obligated to provide me healthcare anymore........"Explanation of Benefits"

Becuase the Shitshow fills my mailbox with 6 inch thick tomes of worthless paper that say "Explantion of Benefits", I throw rocks.

Shitshow Accounting

It's been weeks since my departure from the Shitshow and just when I think I have cut all my ties with that blackhole, I get a letter in the mail with "Payroll Accounting" on the front of the letter. So I open the letter wondering what this could possibly be. Sure enough it is a check in the amount of $0.39. Yes, that is correct and is not a typo. 39 cents.......One would have to wonder why the Shitshow would send out a check in the amount less than the price of a postage stamp, but then again, we are talking about the Shitshow here. Some Bob figure in accounting probably noticed that employee 12345678 had an outstanding balance and hit some button to let the Shitshow automated payroll system mail out a check.

Another interesting thing is that the check makes no mention of what the 39 cents is even for. It doesn’t mention unpaid vacation time or unpaid wages or anything of the sort. It is simply a check in the amount of 39 freakin cents. If I had to guess, I would say this check is the result of some kind of negligence or incompetence on King Kong's part. Well I guess the good news is that with a check like this, I dont need to ever worry about a down payment on a house.

Actually the more I think about it, this check will never be deposited.....oh no, it will be kept as a reminder of the Shitshow. So if I ever get hit on the head and want to get a job there again, I will have this check to remind me what a joke that place is.

Because the Shitshow fills my mailbox with checks I would be embarassed to take to a bank teller, I throw rocks.

Meetings Gone Bad

One of the favorite pastimes at the Shitshow is the Meeting. For some reason or another people at the Shitshow have a fever and the only prescription is more meetings. In the dark ages when I used to work at the Shitshow, I would sit in at least 3 to 8 hours of meetings per day. Yes, that is correct- sometimes I would have 8 hours of meetings per day! Think about how screwed up that is! That means my entire workday (100%) is consumed by meetings. One may ask why do we need all these meetings? That is a very good question. I have wondered that myself. Flunktional management loves the following pitiful excuses to conduct a meeting:

-Daily TagUp Meetings aka "We need to babysit everyone"
-"go forward" plan meetings aka "We dont know WTF we're doing"
-Configuration Control Board meetings aka "We let process get out of control"
-Quality Review Board meetings aka "We need to give the appearance of making quality products"
-Failure Review Board Meetings aka "when shit doesnt work, we need to do something"
-All Hands Meetings aka "Flunktional Management needs something to do"
- Corrective Action Board Meetings aka "The Shitshow is a mess and we dont know what to do so lets pretend to fix it"
- Lean Engineering Meetings aka "It just sounds cool so lets meet to say we did"

These are just a small segment of the millions of meeting topics that the Shitshow thinks are important enough to justify a meeting. One of my favorites all time is when we had a meeting to discuss how to have meetings. For example, we need to create an agenda for the meeting, create attendance lists, make sure relevant stakeholders are there, etc.

Because the Shitshow wastes everyones time in worthless meetings, I throw rocks.

Throwing Rocks from Beyond the Shitshow

Since, I am no longer employed at the Shitshow, I have had to think of new and creative ways to throw rocks at the company. After all, I need to warn impressionable young engineers about the danger of working for a Shitshow as well as do everything within my power to expose the true colors of the Shitshow. One way that I have found I can throw rocks is to refuse to do business with companies associated with the Shitshow. I was inspired by Gandhi since this is the way he drove the British empire out of India. Let me give you a quick history lesson. Gandhi knew that the most efficient way to drive the British out of India was to starve them economically. He encouraged all Indian citizens to make their own clothes, grow their own food, etc. instead of buying British made products. Eventually, it became too expensive for the British to maintain their empire in India and they withdrew their imperialism from the country. Gandhi won.

So let me give you an example of how I am a modern day Gandhi. I was choosing a television company and I know that DirecTV on occasion does business with the Shitshow so I chose Dish Network. Maybe if the Shitshow is starved enough of business, they will eventually clean up their mess and run their company like a for-profit business instead of a welfare office.

Because many companies regularly engage in business with the Shitshow and help perpetuate the Shitshow cycle, I throw rocks with my pocketbook.

Last Day at the Shitshow Part II

In addition to King Kong's usual delinquent managerial actions, Human Resources also put on a good showing on my last day. So part of the "last day checklist" involved me meeting with HR as the last step in the process to hand in my badge and receive my final paycheck. Because King Kong was missing in action and forgot to sign my timecard, my paycheck wasnt ready and I was told "it would be mailed to me soon". The only problem is that "soon" at the Shitshow means 6 months to a year. Anyways, I digress......so I go to HR and hand in my badge and I am escorted out of the building by some HR lady to the front of the building but the only problem is that the parking structure where all Shitshow employees park is across the street and I cannot get access to it without my badge. So I sit there for 20 minutes talking to the guard at the entrance, explaining to him why I dont have a badge and he tells me "if it's your last day, show me your final paycheck" but we know that dog wont hunt since King Kong was too busy surfing the web at harleydavidson.com to sign my timecard so I didnt have a paycheck. Finally, the guard calls the Human Resource flunky and she confirms that it is my last day and states "this commonly happens since the Human Resource Dept. switched buildings and it is a flaw in their process".........my oh my, nice of them to let me know. Heaven forbide that they ever fix a process that actually needs fixing......oh no, the Shitshow only fixes and adds processes that add no value or utility.

Because I couldnt even get to my car without beauracracy on my last day, I throw rocks.

New Business

One of the most hilarious things I used to encounter on a daily basis at the Shitshow was new business. We would have depart-"mental insanity" meetings where the Zookeeper and King Kong would get up there and spew all this rambling nonsense about all these new contracts but the funny thing was that this would be the last we would ever hear about them because the business would all go elsewhere. The problem is that years of running the business like a shitshow has angered many of our customers by driving up their costs and having huge schedule delays until they can role out their new products. The propoganda got so bad that flunktional management would even go onstage at the "departmental reality show" and start referring to programs that were in the concept phase and not even accepting bids yet as new business. Desperate times call for desperate measures at the Shitshow.....at one point, Flunktional management was referring to a program which the Shitshow lost to another company and was protesting the decision as "new businees". I mean, you cant make this stuff up it was so pathetic. What was truly amazing is that all of the clowns at the departmental insanity meetings would be sitting there drooling on themselves while they believe the Zookeeper's propoganda. The most hilarious aspect of these meetings was when one of the people in the audience would ask the Zookeeper "what are we doing to become more competitive" and the Zookeeper would respond with all of his "strategies". Give me a break! What strategies? They have no strategies other than to let King Kong run wild and drive all the talent out of the company and throw chairs at people.

Because the Shitshow has no end in sight, I throw rocks.

Last Day at the Shitshow

As my fellow esteemed rock thrower, Jacko, has stated.... I have moved on to bigger and better things: hopefully a new job that wont make me want to dry heave in the toilet all day long. Although I will miss Jacko and several of my other co-workers (the only people I respected at the Shitshow), leaving the Shitshow is an extremely positive event in my life. So let me tell you about my last day.......

When leaving the Shitshow, Human Resources sends you and your manager an email checklist explaining all of the different things that you need to do prior to leaving the Shitshow. In bright red, sized 15 font on the email, it states "TIMECARD MUST BE SIGNED BY EMPOYEE AND MANAGER ON LAST DAY BY 830AM TO RECEIVE PAYCHECK". As soon as I saw this, I knew it would be months until I will get paid since King Kong is my manager and he can barely remember to breathe. So I spend a couple days running around the Shitshow and collecting signatures and doing a bunch of nonsense and I show up on my last day and check my electronic timecard status and, yes of course, King Kong forgot to sign it. So I spend a good 2 hours paging, emailing, and calling King Kong's cell phone and he is nowhere to be found.

At least my last day at the Shitshow was no different than the rest. But fear not fellow blogers, just because I am no longer employed at the Shitshow, I will still post and vent my frustrations via the blog. Regularly writing about the Shitshow will remind me of how lucky that I really am to be free of the Shitshow's tyranny that would turn me into a mindless vegetable and suck the vitality of life from within me if I did not leave.

So in closing, I am an example of Hope to all you frustrated Rock Throwers trapped at some godawful Shitshow. Keep throwing rocks and keep your head up. After every dark night there's a bright day.

Because the Shitshow was still a Shitshow even on my last day, I will continue to throw rocks.

Jerry Buss's Career at the Shitshow

Most Lakers fans out there are familiar with Dr. Jerry Buss since he owns the team but I bet most of them aren't familiar with how he acquired the wealth to purchase an NBA franchise. After reading Jerry Buss's biogrpahy, I felt that his was worthy of a post. So check it out......Jerry Buss got his PhD from USC in Physical Chemistry and went to work for TRW which is now modern day Northrop Grumman. Apparently, he worked there for several years and became rather frustrated with the red tape there and declared the place a Shitshow and started doing real estate deals over the phone all day at work. You see when you work at a Shitshow, it is easy to run your own business out of your cubicle since no one knows or cares what you do on a daily basis. So apparently, after a while Jerry Buss was doing so many real estate deals, he quit the Shithow and started his own real estate company and the rest is history. I mean, he made enough money to buy the LA Lakers and he probably sleeps on a bed stuffed with 100 dollar bills and 4 Victoria Secret models. Usually the Shitshow gets the best of people and sucks the youthful exuberance out of them and makes them 100 pounds overweight and mindless robot zombies, but not Jerry Buss.....he got the last laugh.

A true inspiration to us all.

Becuase I havent figured out a way to take advantage of the Shitshow like Jerry Buss, I throw rocks.

You know you work at a Shitshow when.....

Much like Jeff Foxworthy's "you know youre a redneck when", I have come up with a sure fire checklist to determine whether you work at a Shitshow or not.....

You know you work at a Shitshow when..........

1.) You regularly atted Configuration Control Board (CCB) Meetings
2.) You have multiple Quality Assurance (QA) organizations
3.) Your company has mandatory online training modules that you have to take annually
4.) Your bosses include: functional and program management, IPT leads, team leads, deputy leads, and contractors who dont even work at the Shitshow.
5.) You have daily status emails to brief management who is too lazy to attend normal status meetings.
6.) You regularly use the phrase "lets lean out the process"
7.) You have process documents that state things like "ensure all stake holders attend a peer review"
8.) Your department does a Re-Organization every 6 months
9.) You have performance reviews that state "you need to align your personal goals with those of the company"
10.) You have more management figures than people doing work

Shitshow Circle Jerk

One of the things that truly amazes me is the event I like to call the Shitshow Circle Jerk. This can be thought of in terms of our political process where politicians simply sit around and praise and compliment each other for the "great jobs" they are all doing and they all just return compliments to each other over and over again. Let me give an example, in my current lab there is a project lead and functional management who oversaw a large program with a budget of $5 million dollars and a schedule of 6 months to complete. The project took 1.5 years to complete and upwards of $15 million dollars which most people would consider to be a total failure. As it turns out, the same project lead and functional management are now in charge of a new program that is turning out to be equally as screwed up and over budget. Instead of finding the real causes of the problems, the functional management and project lead sit in meetings and make comments to each other like "these new processes have really streamlined the project" and "your execution of the project is fantastic and lean" when in reality it is a total train wreck. I like to call this the Shitshow Circle Jerk which is when functional and project management sit around and volley praise and compliments back and forth to each other for no apparent reason but to flatter each other. These people often get promoted and are thought of as "experts" when in reality they are the same people who have screwed up projects over and over again for decades.

Isnt the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Apparently this is not true at the Shitshow. Instead of rewarding people who execute to cost and schedule the Shitshow simply rewards people who flatter management and Circle Jerk each other.

Because the Shitshow is doomed to an eternity of failure and terrible management is forever entrenched, I throw rocks.

Corrective Action Board

One of the things at the Shitshow that blows my mind is the concept of the Corrective Action Board. In theory, this is a great concept which states that when we have problems we investigate them and put corrective and preventative measures in place to remedy the situation. Like I said......In theory this stounds great but there is a problem. Odds are, some flunky like King Kong or the Zookeeper is in charge of the CAB board and they put new hires out of college in charge of leading up the root cause investigations. Almost 99% of the time, the new hires dont have the experience or the knowledge to perform a value added investigation and really understand the situation.

Let me give you an example, one time I worked on a project where some hardware got wired incorrectly and a corrective action board investigation was performed to understand what happened and how it could be prevented in the future. You guessed it, a new hire worked the issue and completely botched the whole investigation. First of all, the new hire did not even go to talk to the people involved, instead he listened to the second hand account of what the flunctional manager told him. After his investigation, I saw a copy of his power point and could not even believe what I was seeing. One of the root causes for the miswiring was not using the "two man rule" when we had 3 people double check the wiring. It was just simply human error. Another root cause was identified as "not having hardware quality present" even though they were there as part of the two man rule. You get the idea. Maybe if he would have talked to some of the people who worked on the project, he would have picked up on some of these key details but instead he listened to flunctional management. Then this new hire flunky goes and presents his moronic findings to high level management who will implement corrective action that is completely wrong. What a colossal waste of company resources.

Here's a good idea...They should do a corrective action board investigation for why the Shitshow is such a mess.

Because the Shitshow cannot even understand the root causes of why it is a Shitshow, I throw rocks.