Contract Oversight - II

Today I witnessed yet another legendary meeting with an independent reviewer. Now remember, these independent reviewers are supposed to be the crème de le crème, the best in the industry.

The independent reviewer today was an old grey beard. He probably should have retired 15 years ago, but he loves the industry so much he continues working. Besides being an old grey beard, he’s also extremely overweight pushing 275 pounds if not more.

Pretty early on in the meeting, he leans back in his chair and sticks his hand down his pants (Al Bundy style). It get’s better. About 15 minutes into the meeting he started falling asleep. Towards the end of the meeting he woke up, looked at the slide on the overhead and he actually found an error in what the Shitshow was claiming.

Because Rip Van Bundy can shoot down the Shitshow after a long meeting nap, I throw rocks.

The Art of Decision-Making (cont'd)

NOTE: Make sure you read the preceding post titled "The Art of Decision-Making" before reading this post.

Let's review yesterday's quiz, shall we? If you answered A to all of the questions from yesterday's quiz, then you are probably a young, altruistic college hire. Good for you. Unfortunately, nobody else in the workplace is like that. So allow me to save you from years of frustration, false hope, and confusion with management by offering one simple anecdote.

If there is ever a decision to be made by management where the result will:

A) Benefit the entire company

B) Benefit your boss, and your boss only

Your boss will always choose option B.

This anecdote is probably the best tool you can use for all your future expectations. As simple as it seems, it can be easily dismissed by some. After all, we each come out of college with an altruistic outlook on life, and we expect others to be like-minded. In addition, we are constantly told by our executive leadership, middle management, HR, and training classes to always do what is best for the company, customer, etc. because when you do that, everyone benefits. “A rising tide lifts all boats.”

But in the real world, there aren’t that many good, altruistic people out there. To complicate matters, the few good people get left behind, stabbed in the back by the do-nothing brown-nosers who claw their way into positions of leadership, who only let their no-good buddies follow them in. So the decision makers with the power to “do what’s best for the company” are the very individuals who got there by doing what’s best for themselves-only. So you shouldn’t be surprised when they make selfish decisions that are only beneficial to them. That kind of decision making is what got them there in the first place.

Because expecting the worst from my superiors is the best strategy, I throw rocks.

The Art of Decision-Making

Think you’re ready to be a leader? Here’s a simple test which gives a few scenarios, followed by a decision that has to be made. Take the quiz and see if you have what it takes:

1. A hard-working young engineer also shows lots of potential as being a future leader. His functional manager can:

A) Nurture and mentor him, then prepare and recommend him for a leadership position, perhaps in another department.

B) Not do anything. He’s working hard and we’re paying almost nothing, so let’s milk him for all he’s worth.

2. An IPT Lead has been told by his engineers that a project will take 6mos to complete, but his manager thinks it can be done in 3mos. The IPT Lead can:

A) Stand up to his manager and tell him it will take 6mos, but that if we plan accordingly, we can minimize the impact to cost

B) Avoid conflict and just tell the manager that we can finish in 3mos, direct his engineers to work overtime, and still be 3mos late. The additional cost will be 3X higher than if it had been planned for, but the IPT Lead can always claim “unforeseen circumstances”

3. A manager is low staffed and his engineers are growing tired of working overtime. He can:

A) Motivate his employees by actually talking to them, recognizing their achievements, and offering incentives such as better raises or career development.

B) Hire some contractors, yet still keep everyone on overtime. Payroll costs will skyrocket and employee satisfaction will continue to deteriorate, but the manager can brag that he is “looking good” on schedule.

4. An important middle management/leadership position has opened up, and upper management is asking for candidates. As functional manager, you can:

A) Recommend one of your best engineers, who has prepared for just such an occasion by taking extensive training.

B) Let them hire someone else, since promoting the engineer might create a void in the team. You might resolve a company problem but create a new one for yourself. Tell them to hire someone with experience from the outside, or just recommend one of your no-talent, brown-nosing leads to the position.

5. An engineer has expressed his desire to get experience/training in another technical field. It is not relevant to his current job, but another team on the program is desperately seeking people in that exact field. As a manger you can:

A) Get him the experience/training he needs and facilitate his transition into the other team that needs people. As a whole, the program benefits.

B) Refuse to give him more experience/training since you need to hold on to every engineer you have. The more people under you, the more important you are appear as a manager. Besides, training him in another field that would make him more marketable. He might quit and go to a competitor.

Time! Put down your pencils. Answers to be given in tomorrow’s post.

Bee Safe!

I guess the other day some Bob figure got stung by a bee at the Shitshow.  So how does the Shitshow respond?  They created an internet flyer telling people to “Bee Safe.”  As with any safety or tips the Shitshow provides (see Going Green – II), these tips are at the best pathetic.  

Here are some examples of the tips on how to “bee safe:”

- Stay away from nests.
- Don’t wear perfume (oh-oh, Queen Perfume probably had a heart attack when she read that one)
- Wear long sleeves and pants when going outside
- Don't panic

Because crappy advice is all a buzz at the Shitshow, I throw rocks.

Mandatory Training - V

The other day something fairly common happened at the Shitshow. A deadline was coming up for an online mandatory training module and all the managers were panicking to make sure everyone completed it. Nobody knew about it because it was only mentioned in one of those corporate emails that nobody ever reads. To complicate matters, there were no clear instructions on what to do or how to do it. Somehow, someone figured out how to do it and then instructions spread by word of mouth amongst the engineers after that. That’s usually how it works. Very efficient.

“Mandatory training” isn’t what you think it is. You’d think it’s something useful like: how to do your job better, how to outperform the competition, or how to learn from past mistakes. No, that type of training is mostly non-existent. Even if someone ever volunteered to offer that kind of training, everyone attending would have to do it on their own time (lunch break or after work), and nobody wants to do that.

“Mandatory training” is always liability related, and it is always useless. It should be called “Cover the Company’s Ass” training, or CCA, because its only purpose is to reduce the company’s liability by having a record that some sort of training was given. They also like to remind you that if you screw up, you will be held liable, not the company. The training doesn’t really prevent you from screwing up - it’s incredibly vague and almost everything is subjective. You can still easily screw up one of the countless forms, procedures, and disclaimers, but at least the company can prove they “trained” you, no matter how ineffective it was.

Because training in which I sign my rights away is mandatory, yet training on how to do my job is my own problem, I throw rocks.

Going Green! - IV

In the never ending effort to go green, the Shitshow had the idea of placing recycling bins for aluminum cans and plastic bottles throughout the buildings.  Seems like a good idea doesn’t it? After all, it should be easy and convenient to recycle.  As you probably guessed now, the execution of the idea came up a little short.

When the Shitshow first distributed the recycling bins there were literally 10 bins my floor (about 50 offices).  There were so many on my floor that there was a pair in each office hallway and one in the middle of the hallway.  I couldn’t stop laughing when I saw so many recycle bins.  

About 2 weeks later the bins were redeployed, I guess someone noticed the current distribution was a little overkill.  So what do think happened?  They reduced the number of bins to one or two per floor?  Or maybe they placed a pair of bins in the kitchenette on each floor instead?  Nope, that would make too much sense.

The solution the Shitshow came up with was to remove all the bins from all the floors and only place them next to the soda vending machines.  The catch to this is that vending machines are far and few at the Shitshow.  In fact the nearest vending machine to my office is 5 floors down and in a different building.  It takes about 5 minutes for me to get the vending machine which is a pretty common experience at the Shitshow.

So let’s think about this.  People have to walk 5 minutes to get their soda, which they take back to their office to consume.  When they are done, they are now expected to walk another five minutes to use the recycling bin next to the vending machine.  Once again, great execution.

Because it’s not easy being green, I throw rocks.

Contract Oversight - I

Because the Shitshow has such a "stellar" record of execution, customers often times hire an independent company to oversee the contract execution as well as provide definition of requirements.

The thing is these independent companies are filled with their own Bob figures, and Shitshow routers.  Many of whom couldn’t make it at the Shitshow.

Today I was in a meeting where one of these independent reviewers showed up.  She arrived about 5 minutes late, wearing here Gucci sunglasses and 5 inch heels.  She wore the Sunglasses the entire meeting.  About 15 minutes into the meeting, she took out a nail file and started giving her self a manicure during the meeting.  Towards the end of the meeting she asked a question so idiotic that I almost fell out of my seat in disbelief.

Because Shithshow contracts are overseen by flunkies that make Queen Perfume seem knowledgeable, I throw rocks.