The other day I was listening to the radio on the way to work. I usually listen to morning talk shows that I find entertaining, in hopes of keeping my mind off the pending doom of getting to work. In between commercial breaks I was flipping through the channels and came upon a show talking about people quitting their jobs without having a new job lined up.
Much like the Jack In The Box workers, and the Garbage men, the callers had inspirational stories and outlooks on life. Most of them quit because their current jobs didn’t bring them happiness. Strangely, this radio topic made me depresses because it made me realize I do not have the guts (the proverbial “balls”) to just right out quit. Additionally I realized that if I quit, they win. If I had the balls I’d become the biggest Bob figure possible and force them to lay me off that way I’d get a severance package, get state unemployment and I would have the joy of free riding until they laid me off. That would be a very long term plan though, it took the original Bob about 10 years to get laid off.
Because I don’t have the guts to quit or to Bob it up, I throw rocks.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Idiot's Guide to Matrix Management
I really have to give credit to the evil genius who came up with the Matrix Management concept. Somebody figured out that when people work directly alongside their bosses on a daily basis, the boss might notice they are hard workers. This is especially the case if the boss is a good boss. If the boss is a good boss, the subordinate will try to work harder in order to please the boss. A genuine relationship starts to form between the boss and subordinate. The boss in turn, will be more inclined (and accountable) to give his subordinates high performance reviews and pay increases that they deserve. The result is higher employee satisfaction, higher work output, and better overall products and services form the company. So what’s the problem?
Well, some corporate executive realized he had nothing to do one day, but saw a need to increase shareholder value (short-term, of course). The easiest way to do that is by cutting payroll to reduce the bottom line.
The solution: Create multiple bosses. Then separate the real boss (Functional Manager) from the employees, so he does not see what they do on a regular basis. Instead, employee feedback will come to the Functional Manager from unofficial bosses, like team leaders (Lead and IPT Lead). The genuine relationship between the employee and the manager will thus be broken.
But there is so much more to it than that. The evil genius in this multi-boss setup is the fact that people generally forget the good stuff and only remember the bad. So on average, performance reviews and pay raises will be lower than they were before, only because team leaders will simply forget to tell the functional managers all the good stuff.
Here’s an example:
You had 11 accomplishments in the first 11 months of the year, plus 2 accomplishments in the last month. You made 2 minor mistakes in the first 11 months of the year, and zero mistakes in the past month. Now what feedback will your real boss (Functional Manager) get from the team leaders (Lead and IPT Lead)?
They will tell your Functional Manager only what they remember: that you had 2 successes and made 2 mistakes last year. Beforehand, your boss would have remembered the 13 accomplishments…because you would have reminded him and held him accountable if he didn’t! But now, you don’t know who to hold accountable. So what should have been an outstanding performance review and pay raise, has become an average performance review and average pay raise.
Now across the board, employees are dissatisfied that they have three bosses and get no recognition for their achievements. Performance is down, programs fall behind schedule, and all the smart employees look for better jobs, leaving behind only the idiots still willing to work under such horrible conditions. But hey, I think the stock price went up about ten cents back in the nineties.“Problem” solved.
Because I have three bosses who I can't hold accountable for anything, I throw rocks.
Well, some corporate executive realized he had nothing to do one day, but saw a need to increase shareholder value (short-term, of course). The easiest way to do that is by cutting payroll to reduce the bottom line.
The solution: Create multiple bosses. Then separate the real boss (Functional Manager) from the employees, so he does not see what they do on a regular basis. Instead, employee feedback will come to the Functional Manager from unofficial bosses, like team leaders (Lead and IPT Lead). The genuine relationship between the employee and the manager will thus be broken.
But there is so much more to it than that. The evil genius in this multi-boss setup is the fact that people generally forget the good stuff and only remember the bad. So on average, performance reviews and pay raises will be lower than they were before, only because team leaders will simply forget to tell the functional managers all the good stuff.
Here’s an example:
You had 11 accomplishments in the first 11 months of the year, plus 2 accomplishments in the last month. You made 2 minor mistakes in the first 11 months of the year, and zero mistakes in the past month. Now what feedback will your real boss (Functional Manager) get from the team leaders (Lead and IPT Lead)?
They will tell your Functional Manager only what they remember: that you had 2 successes and made 2 mistakes last year. Beforehand, your boss would have remembered the 13 accomplishments…because you would have reminded him and held him accountable if he didn’t! But now, you don’t know who to hold accountable. So what should have been an outstanding performance review and pay raise, has become an average performance review and average pay raise.
Now across the board, employees are dissatisfied that they have three bosses and get no recognition for their achievements. Performance is down, programs fall behind schedule, and all the smart employees look for better jobs, leaving behind only the idiots still willing to work under such horrible conditions. But hey, I think the stock price went up about ten cents back in the nineties.“Problem” solved.
Because I have three bosses who I can't hold accountable for anything, I throw rocks.
Matrix Management Model
The Shitshow loves to Re-org itself about every 6 weeks but one of the things that never changes with the business model is the Matrix Management Style.
For those of you who don't know what this is, see the below excerpt from Wikipedia, "Matrix Management is a type of organizational management in which people with similar skills are pooled for work assignments. For example, all engineers may be in one engineering department and report to an engineering manager, but these same engineers may be assigned to different projects and report to a project manager while working on that project. Therefore, each engineer may have to work under several managers to get their job done."
Apparently, this style of management used to be really popular in the 1980s but nearly all companies have abandoned it for more efficient management models.....apparently the Shitshow missed that memo! So modern day companies like General Electric, Microsoft, etc all abandoned this model because, in their own words, "it literally doubled the amount of managers in the company and reduced accountability". Wow, does that sound familiar to anyone who works at Shitshow? There are about 3 managers for every engineer who does real actual work.
Well, I guess they call it the Shitshow for a reason. Without the Matrix Management Model, what would all these process oriented functional managers do all day? Who would run the countless department meetings that waste people's time?
Because there are more managers at the Shitshow than people who do work, I throw rocks.
For those of you who don't know what this is, see the below excerpt from Wikipedia, "Matrix Management is a type of organizational management in which people with similar skills are pooled for work assignments. For example, all engineers may be in one engineering department and report to an engineering manager, but these same engineers may be assigned to different projects and report to a project manager while working on that project. Therefore, each engineer may have to work under several managers to get their job done."
Apparently, this style of management used to be really popular in the 1980s but nearly all companies have abandoned it for more efficient management models.....apparently the Shitshow missed that memo! So modern day companies like General Electric, Microsoft, etc all abandoned this model because, in their own words, "it literally doubled the amount of managers in the company and reduced accountability". Wow, does that sound familiar to anyone who works at Shitshow? There are about 3 managers for every engineer who does real actual work.
Well, I guess they call it the Shitshow for a reason. Without the Matrix Management Model, what would all these process oriented functional managers do all day? Who would run the countless department meetings that waste people's time?
Because there are more managers at the Shitshow than people who do work, I throw rocks.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Mandatory Training - II
I finally completed my mandatory training, and yes I did charge overhead (see Mandatory Training post), and I can now say without a shadow of a doubt it is a complete joke.
Most of the mandatory training is a result of some lawsuit that was filed against the Shitshow, some headline grabbing scandal, or just pure stupidity from a Bob like figure which cost the Shitshow embarrassment.
I’ve always thought it was funny that I had to take laptop safety course when I don’t even have a laptop, but since some Bob figure lost a company laptop we all get the opportunity to learn about laptop safety.
Because some Shitshow executives made some officials very upset we all get the opportunity to take ethics training.
Now if you didn’t know better one could claim that training is a good thing because people will learn and make fewer mistakes in the future. Or that education is the key to success. Not so at the Shitshow! Why you ask? Well, as a result of having so many Bobs at the company, the training is so watered down that anyone with some sort of intelligence can just skip ahead to the test at the end, without reading or listening to any of the training material, and still pass. How is that possible? With answers like:
A. You should follow the law and ask ethics or HR when you have questions
B. Do what is easiest
C. Pretend it didn’t happen
D. All of the above
it’s pretty hard not to pass. That said, plenty of people have to take the quiz multiple times.
Because mandatory training is a complete joke and waste of time I throw rocks.
Most of the mandatory training is a result of some lawsuit that was filed against the Shitshow, some headline grabbing scandal, or just pure stupidity from a Bob like figure which cost the Shitshow embarrassment.
I’ve always thought it was funny that I had to take laptop safety course when I don’t even have a laptop, but since some Bob figure lost a company laptop we all get the opportunity to learn about laptop safety.
Because some Shitshow executives made some officials very upset we all get the opportunity to take ethics training.
Now if you didn’t know better one could claim that training is a good thing because people will learn and make fewer mistakes in the future. Or that education is the key to success. Not so at the Shitshow! Why you ask? Well, as a result of having so many Bobs at the company, the training is so watered down that anyone with some sort of intelligence can just skip ahead to the test at the end, without reading or listening to any of the training material, and still pass. How is that possible? With answers like:
A. You should follow the law and ask ethics or HR when you have questions
B. Do what is easiest
C. Pretend it didn’t happen
D. All of the above
it’s pretty hard not to pass. That said, plenty of people have to take the quiz multiple times.
Because mandatory training is a complete joke and waste of time I throw rocks.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Fail Your Way to the Top
One of the things at the Shitshow that literally makes me want to dry heave in the toilet until I am blue in the face is what I like to call "fail your way to the top". When I first started working at the Shitshow, I thought the key to moving up the Shitshow corporate ladder was to finish things ahead of schedule and below cost. Boy how I was wrong and this couldnt be any further from the truth. As it turns out, the key to success at the Shitshow is to go as far as you can over budget and schedule because when this happens, high level management becomes concerned and they alert all other types of management and your project gets put under the microscope.
When this happens, flunky managers of all shapes and sizes start coming to daily status meetings that they otherwise would never attend which gives people high level exposure. On top of that, they often take "corrective action measures" and "apply lean principles" to help a troubled project recover from its schedule and costs problem and this nonsense then becomes the new gold standard of process.
You see, when you finish something on time or schedule, management does not care and nobody will give you recognition or even know your name. They only care when things get so screwed up that a higher level manager is putting heat on them to fix the mess.
What is even more disturbing is that the same people who screwed up a program or project so bad in the first place, are now considered "experts" by the functional management since they helped to fix their huge mess even though they created it in the first place.
Because my on-time completion of projects goes unrecognized and the flunkies fail their way to the top, I throw rocks.
When this happens, flunky managers of all shapes and sizes start coming to daily status meetings that they otherwise would never attend which gives people high level exposure. On top of that, they often take "corrective action measures" and "apply lean principles" to help a troubled project recover from its schedule and costs problem and this nonsense then becomes the new gold standard of process.
You see, when you finish something on time or schedule, management does not care and nobody will give you recognition or even know your name. They only care when things get so screwed up that a higher level manager is putting heat on them to fix the mess.
What is even more disturbing is that the same people who screwed up a program or project so bad in the first place, are now considered "experts" by the functional management since they helped to fix their huge mess even though they created it in the first place.
Because my on-time completion of projects goes unrecognized and the flunkies fail their way to the top, I throw rocks.
It’s time for a re-org!
One thing the higher ups like to do when things don’t seem to be working is to introduce a new organizational structure. When the re-orgs occur the VPs send out emails explaining how the new organizational structure will do one of the following:
-help reduce cost
-help focus on execution
-help improve quality
-help focus on customer satisfaction
However, the odd thing about theses re-orgs is that nothing ever really changes. Programs still run over budget and schedule, things still break, and customers still get upset at the Shitshow. How could this be? Perhaps it’s due to the fact that it’s always the same managers and executives running the shitshow before and after the re-org. Sure, these managers and executives might have a new title, a new management position, or a new responsibility after the re-org; it’s the same people as before the re-org. That’s right, underperforming managers and executives aren’t fired or demoted, they just get new titles, promotions, or different responsibilities.
Because a Shitshow manager with any other title is still a Shitshow manager, I throw rocks.
-help reduce cost
-help focus on execution
-help improve quality
-help focus on customer satisfaction
However, the odd thing about theses re-orgs is that nothing ever really changes. Programs still run over budget and schedule, things still break, and customers still get upset at the Shitshow. How could this be? Perhaps it’s due to the fact that it’s always the same managers and executives running the shitshow before and after the re-org. Sure, these managers and executives might have a new title, a new management position, or a new responsibility after the re-org; it’s the same people as before the re-org. That’s right, underperforming managers and executives aren’t fired or demoted, they just get new titles, promotions, or different responsibilities.
Because a Shitshow manager with any other title is still a Shitshow manager, I throw rocks.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Routers
Much like computer routers which interconnects computer networks and controls the information transfer between them, the Shitshow has a class of low/mid level employees who are nothing more than routers. Shitshow routers are incompetent employees who can’t do any real work on their own. Instead, when Shitshow router receives a task they can’t do themselves (which is almost any technically oriented task despite being hired as engineers), they find someone who can. When the work is complete, the Shitshow router collects the work and then presents it to management sometime taking credit for the work and sometimes sharing credit for the work.
You might think that these types of employees would get laid off because they can’t do any real work and thus just add overhead cost. Wrong! Instead these “engineers” win engineering awards and are given lead engineer positions.
Here’s a great example. The other day I asked a Shitshow router to perform a very simple task. I included management on the email so they would have insight into the work I was asking to be done and to show I was keeping her in the loop. The next day the Shitshow router asks me to come to her office. Turns out she had no idea how to perform the basic task I asked her. I explained it in detail and worked the task in real time on her whiteboard so she could see what I did. Within minutes I had answered my own question.
So what does the Shitshow router do? She responds to my original email, with management on distribution, answering the question I asked her by copying what I wrote on her whiteboard as though she did the work by herself.
Because Shitshow routers answer my questions with my answers I throw rocks.
You might think that these types of employees would get laid off because they can’t do any real work and thus just add overhead cost. Wrong! Instead these “engineers” win engineering awards and are given lead engineer positions.
Here’s a great example. The other day I asked a Shitshow router to perform a very simple task. I included management on the email so they would have insight into the work I was asking to be done and to show I was keeping her in the loop. The next day the Shitshow router asks me to come to her office. Turns out she had no idea how to perform the basic task I asked her. I explained it in detail and worked the task in real time on her whiteboard so she could see what I did. Within minutes I had answered my own question.
So what does the Shitshow router do? She responds to my original email, with management on distribution, answering the question I asked her by copying what I wrote on her whiteboard as though she did the work by herself.
Because Shitshow routers answer my questions with my answers I throw rocks.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)