Have Spots vs. Have-Nots

It’s a well known fact that Shitshow corporate fat cats make far more money than the rest of us. Not only do they have higher salaries, but they get perks such as quarterly bonuses and stock options that would make Dick Cheney blush. While the financial disparities can be outraging, at least we can try not to think about it in our daily lives. Unfortunately, there are other inequalities separating the 'haves' from the 'have-nots' that simply cannot be ignored. This is because we have to see them on a daily basis.

Take the parking situation, for example. Our parking lot probably has 1000 spaces. As you can imagine, if you park at the back of the parking lot, it takes you about 5 minutes just to get to the front door of the building. Now this wouldn’t be so bad if you didn’t have to walk by the 50+ parking spots designated for “Executive Visitors” right in front of the front door. What’s worse is that these executive spots are mostly empty because the executives work at another site. So not only do they get their own personal parking spot in front of their office window, they get the pick of the litter parking spots at our site, for when they might visit once a month.

Because I have to park in the back of the lot when there are nothing but empty spots up front, I throw rocks.

Use Your Legs!

Following up the Walk This Way memo, the Shitshow has sent out yet another mind blowing memo on how to correctly push, pull and believe it or not on how to stand up. 

Here is the advice the Shitshow feels necessary to provide:

1. When pushing or pulling be sure to stand correctly
2. It is better to push than pull
3. Keep your feet spread apart, with one foot in front of the other
4. Let your legs do the work
5. If your hands are full and you need to use your shoulder to push open a door, turn your shoulder to the door instead of walking straight into the door.

These principals can be used when pushing a lawn mower or when pulling your boat ashore.  Additionally when trying to stand up from a seated position:

1. Place your feet correctly,  with your feet apart, one back and one forward
2. Push off on the rear foot using the front foot to prevent you from falling forward

By keeping these tips in mind before pushing, pulling, or standing up can help keep your new year off to a healthy start.

Because the safety advice the Shitshow gives me is stuff my toddler figured out all on her own when learning to walk, I throw rocks.

Fixing the Parking Situation - II

As you may recall, a few months back they closed one of the parking lot entrance gates to prevent non-employee cars from passing through, as well as to prevent break-ins (See blog post titled Fixing the Parking Situation for full story). As a result of the closure, everyone was forced to enter/exit through the same gate. In some cases, this forced detour added up to 5min to a person’s commute.

Apparently enough employees complained about the inconvenience that the Shitshow decided to “fix” the situation over the break. Now they could have simply opened up the closed gate, but then non-employees would once again use the parking lot as their shortcut. Honestly, I never thought that cars cutting through the back of the parking lot to be all that big of a problem. Nobody parked there anyway. I think it was just a matter of principle, where some Shitshow bigwig probably said “Hey, that’s our parking lot that we paid for, not some city street to be used by the public.”

So they came up with a third alternative: they would open up the closed gate, but redesign the parking lot in a way that will inconvenience cars from simply passing through. So they brought in a construction crew, put up some barricades, and repainted some lines, creating something that resembles a maze more than it does a parking lot. The new parking lot is designed in such a way that, in order to get from one gate to the other, you have to detour through the middle of the parking lot. Now think about that for a second: they essentially put a car lane in the middle of a parking lot. So to pass though the parking lot, you have to cut through about 10 aisles of parking spots, essentially making 10 intersections within the middle of a parking lot! Not only are there 10 intersections without any stop signs, but in approaching each intersection, your view is greatly obstructed by all the parked cars around you.

Now, you might say “ It’s only a matter of time before the first accident.” Well, you’d be wrong - because it’s already happened. Yup, we’ve already had an accident - on the very first day back from the break! I look forward to seeing more. I just hope nobody gets run over or killed in the meantime.

Once again, because the Shitshow solution to a minor problem causes a much larger problem, I throw rocks.

Dine and Dash

It’s not bad enough I have to put up with flunkies, Bob figures and independent reviewers, every now and then I run into them after work.

The other night I was out to eating dinner at a local favorite spot.  When I was getting ready to leave I saw two independent auditors (husband and wife), whom I work with on almost a daily basis, sit down across the restaurant.  The unfortunate part was that they were sitting right on the most logical exit path out of the restaurant.  I had to think fast, the last thing I wanted was to have to say hi to them after finishing my French toast (yes I eat French toast for dinner).  So I did the only thing I could, I made a straight run to the counter/bar and took that path out using the a big potted plant as a partial shield.  I kept my head down and walked fast (probably making me more noticeable), but the goal of not accidentally making eye contact with them while walking pass their table was met. 

The person eating with me just looked at me like I was John Nash when I tried to explain the situation. 

Because I have to strategically plan my exits at restaurants, I throw rocks!

Shitshow Characters: The Flosser

As mentioned before, there are so many weirdo engineers that I have begun to categorize them. The last example was of course, the Nail Clipper, who finds it appropriate to regularly clip his fingernails at work. This week, we introduce his cousin: The Flosser.

As you may have guessed, The Flosser also refuses to do his personal hygiene at home. Sure, it might be a little gross if he were to do it in the men's restroom, leaving little pieces of dislodged food stuck to the mirror. But that would only be slightly gross. Instead, this idiot actually flosses at his desk, in full view of everyone. Sometimes, he'll even start doing it when you are talking to him. One by one, he flosses each gap between his teeth, occasionally pulling out a large enough chunk of food that it needs to be pulled off the floss, rolled up into a ball, and tossed onto the carpet. And since he does not find anything gross about doing this, he sees no need to wash his hands afterwards either. He just goes back to his computer and starts typing away with his dirty, smelly fingers.

Because I am forced to touch the same door handles as this guy, I throw rocks.

20 Years of Living the Dream

One would think that 20 years of loyalty to the Shitshow would at least come with some benefits such as being able to choose the most exciting assignments and choice office selections, well you’d be wrong. 

One of my favorite “senior” engineers at the Shitshow seems to get no respect when it comes to job assignments and office space.  When I first started working at the Shitshow I was lucky enough to work with him, unfortunately on the small team was the one and only original Bob.  Work assignments after that had him working on a project that required him to work on Christmas for the last couple of year while working with a revolving door of new hire college flunkies.   

What just blows my mind is the office space he is given.  One of his previous offices, which was converted from a broom closet, was located right across from the bathroom. To top that off he had to share this “pristine” office space with some flunky.  Today he’s stuffed away in a miniature cubical farm surrounded by new hires.  In fact one of his neighbors is as crazy as they come - randomly laughing for no reason and talking to himself on a regular basis. 

Because even after 20 years of loyalty, the Shitshow treatment still lives up to its name, I throw rocks. 

Money for nothin'

(Our first post of 2011 was submitted by our guest contributor - Nightmare)

The Shitshow looks like a ghost town on the day after Christmas. But if I have to be stuck at work, I must say that the week between xmas and new years has got to be my favorite work week of the year. All the bosses are on vacation, and the few leads who got stuck minding us are hiding in their cubes dicking around on Facebook. Everyone's just sitting back and watching the clock for the magical time when it will be safe to sneak out early.

It's a great time to load up on free office supplies for home, since nobody's minding the supply closet. Need to run 500 color copies of your local club's show program? No problem. And the normally overfilled parking lots are virtually empty. I get my pick of primo parking spaces. This morning was the first in a long time that I didn't have to make a 14-point turn to squeeze my wee little car in next to some asshole who parked their Escalade in the compact car row.

It's a great time to come in late, dust my cubicle, purge files, work on my personal website, text friends and dress like a slob. Hey, there's nobody here to give me shit about wearing my sneakers, so why not? There's still plates of leftover holiday cookies and stuff on top of every file cabinet, so I don't even have to buy lunch.

Because I get paid to do absolutely nothing, I throw rocks.