Holiday Parties

It’s that time of year again, time for holiday parties!  For those of you at non-Shitshow companies you’re probably looking forward to these parties.  In fact your parties actually resemble those depicted by Hollywood - people having a good time, unlimited supply of drinks, significant others are more than welcome, and it wouldn’t be too hard to believe a Santa Clause at the party handing out presents to the little ones. 

At the Shitshow, holiday parties are yet another way the Shitshow adds to the holiday depression rate.  First off employees are only allowed to go to one Holiday party at the discounted holiday rate of $5 to $20.  That’s right, they must choose between program parties and functional parties.  Secondly significant others are welcomed but they must pay full price which for a cheaper party cost $50.   While there might be alcohol, it is made very clear that the bar is a no host bar meaning the employees will be paying $10 for a beer if they want one.  To add insult to injury, the food at Home Town Buffett is better than the food served at the party.   That’s right, significant others who pay $50 or more end up with overcooked fish or dried out chicken.   Not to mention, if you do decide to pay to go the party you’ll be hanging out with the likes of the Zookeeper, King Kong, flunkies galore, Queen Perfume and Bob figures who come out of the woodwork to “socialize.”   Lastly, most of these parities occur during working hours when you’re expected to return to work after the party.  And of course, you’re not allowed to charge company time to attend a company holiday party, instead you are expected you work extra hours or use vacation time.  

Because Charlie Brown can plan a better Christmas party, I throw rocks.

Twenty-five percent

This past weekend I was at a birthday party where I stuck up a conversation with a truly enlightened fellow.  When we first started talking he asked where I worked, I told him the Shitshow and he started laughing. I asked him what was so funny and he said that we used to work at the Shitshow until he decided to be become a freelance worker in the entertainment industry.  He told me that was the best decision he ever made even though it meant not knowing when or how long his next job would be.   Much like the garbage man, the Jack In the Box workers, and the radio show callers his story was a very inspirational.   

This guy definitely learned from his experience in the entertainment industry because he ended the conversation on a high note.  He asked me how many people work at the Shitshow these days.  I tried to give him a ballpark figure and he just looked at me and said “back in the days when I worked at the Shitshow if someone asked me that question I would answer with about 25%” 

Because 25% isn’t a joke, I throw rocks.

Change Board - II

As mentioned in the previous post titled "Change Board", the change process has become something of a kangaroo court hearing. In a kangaroo court, one of the most important things is to show the court its proper respect. Even if you're completely innocent and there is no evidence against you, the court will throw your butt in jail (even if they know you're innocent) just for not following proper protocol. Such is the Change Board, where the engineer trying to prove the necessity of a change is like a wrongfully accused defendant trying to use logic to prove his innocence. It's a lost cause when all they respect is someone who knows how to work the system.

I actually have to hand it to Duckface, the IPT Lead, who beat the Change Board at their own game the other day. Last week, Duckface sent one of his engineers to the Change Board requesting that three simple changes be made to one of our products. The changes were not approved because there is some ridiculous Change Board rule that if a change will cost more than X dollars, it needs special approval from Program Board - the Supreme Kangaroo Court of Change Boards!

Upon hearing the news that his changes got rejected, Duckface went back to Change Board the next day to plead his case personally. He wanted to avoid going to the Supreme Kangaroo Court and the additional red tape it would cause. His argument was that each of the changes cost less than X dollars, therefore the rule did not apply. But since he was asking for the three changes all at once, the Change Board counted it as one big change.

"Fine," said Duckface, "Then I'll just have them each approved individually. Let's approve the first change now. I'll come back tomorrow for the second and after tomorrow for the third." And he succeeded, getting all three changes approved without having to go to the Supreme Kangaroo Court. "That's bullshit" said one of the members of the Change Board, but he knew they were defeated. They were beaten at their own game.

But really, nobody won. We're just a bunch of idiots, happy that we spent $10 rather than $15 on a job that should have only cost $5… if people actually worked together. Aren't we supposed to be "one company, one team"?

Because the inefficient path can be less expensive than the proper one, I throw rocks.

It's Worth a Shot

Every year around this time the Shitshow offers free flu shots for all their minions.  You might be shocked that a place that could careless about their employee’s would give free flu shots.   Of course there is always more to the story than meets the eye. 

What seems to be a nice gesture from the Shitshow is just a ploy to prevent you from using your sick time.  Why should they care if you use your sick time?  Sick time is a direct hit to the bottom line.  What the Shitshow really wants is to have you continue charging cost plus programs as much as possible so they can actually make a profit.  Taking a sick day is a double whammy!  Not only does the Shitshow have to pay your for your sick time, it’s also a day of lost profits since you’re not charging a cost plus program.  Thus, if the Shitshow can spend ten dollars on a flu shot as opposed to loosing thousands of dollars the Shitshow suddenly takes an interest in your well being.

Now here comes an easy way to throw rocks.  Get the shot!  First of all, the Shitshow will have to pay for it.  Even if it’s 10 bucks, a lot of tiny pebbles thrown will add up. Secondly, and most importantly it allows you to save your sick time to use it when you need a “mental health” day as opposed to using a vacation day.  I prefer to spend these “mental health” days at Disneyland but sometimes it’s just nice to sleep in and hang out at the beach or at home.  Any way you spend the sick day other than with the flu is a great rock throwing experience!      

Because the reason the Shitshow offers free flu shots makes me sick, I throw rocks. 

Pagers

If you remember the early 90’s anybody that was anyone had a pager.  Pager stores were popping up everywhere; such luxuries were no longer considered only for doctors.  15 years later while the rest of the world has moved on to cell phones, the Shitshow is still issuing pagers. 

When a new employee comes to the Shitshow they are automatically issued a pager, after all you never know when you’ll need to read a new hire to urgently update the Wiki (see Wiki, wiki, wiki).  New hires carry these pagers around like badges of honor while senior engineers usually keep their pagers in their desk drawer without a battery in it.    

Every time I go to a comedy club I’m reminded of how outdated these devices are when the emcee usually says something along the lines of “please no flash photography, if you have your cell phone on please turn it to silent mode or off, if you have a pager please enter the 21^st century.”

Because when I need to talk to someone I need to wait for them to call me back, I throw rocks.

Veterans Day

Today I put down my rocks to give a heart felt thank you to all of our nation’s service men and women.  Without their sacrifices we would not have the freedoms to throw rocks in the first place. 

When you take away all of the waste, all of the rework, all of the Bob figures, all of the Shitshow routers, all of the King Kongs, all of the Zookeepers, all of the useless patents, and all of the red tape, a small number of Shitshow employees actually provide products that keep our troops safe.

Because our troops deserve it, I throw rocks. 

Change Board - I

A long time ago, engineers had the freedom to make corrections to their designs when they deemed it necessary. Then some Big Wig decided that we are making too many changes and decided to remedy the situation by creating a Change Board to review each change and only approve the necessary ones.

While the intent of the Change Board was to save cost, it became a poster child of Red Tape Bureaucracy. The first problem with the Change Board was its staffing. The board should have been made of of technical experts and chief engineers. But unfortunately, those people were too busy. So instead they staffed it with expendable employees who had nothing else to do. Overnight, they went from being nobodies to being authoritative figures.

Over time, they became more and more abusive of their power, rejecting changes for ridiculous reasons: laziness at end of meeting to review the change, looking for missing information that is irrelevant to the change, or simply because the engineer asking for the change wasn't showing the board its due respect. Often engineers would have to come back to the Change Board 3-4 times to get a simple change approved. As a result of all this, costs resulting from changes have skyrocketed.

Because the solution to one problem is a much more expensive problem, I throw rocks.