Last week the Shitshow held a fire alarm drill. For this test we all had to evacuate our building, wait outside until building sweeps were performed, take roll call outside and report any missing persons. All and all it’s about a 30 minute drill. I’m all for being prepared but of course this was done in pure Shitshow style.
The day the drill was held was the rainiest day of the year. It was known for days in advance that the chances of rain were 90% but the Shitshow didn’t care. It was also known that the storm would have passed by the next day, but I guess when there is so much Shitshow momentum involved it’s impossible to postpone for a day.
It gets better. In an effort to save money, we were asked to perform this mandatory drill on our own time. We weren’t allowed to charge overhead nor were we allowed to charge to the program we were working on. To help us find an extra 30 minutes of our time, it was suggested that we take a shorter lunch or stay an extra half hour today.
Because being safe at the Shitshow requires me to stand out in the cold wet rain unpaid, I throw rocks.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
The Secret of My Success
In today’s post, I offer a quote from a great 80s movie called The Secret of My Success, starring Michael J. Fox. The film is about a recent college grad who struggles to get a foothold in the business world. I believe the quote pretty much sums up how crazy things are for someone looking for that first job or trying to change careers.
In one of the first scenes, Brantley Foster (played by Michael J. Fox), a confident, young college grad, has just wrapped up an interview with the hiring manager of a prospective employer.
Hiring Manager: I'm sorry, Mr. Foster. We need someone with experience.
Brantley Foster: But how can I get any experience until I get a job that GIVES me experience?
Hiring Manager: If we gave you a job just to give you experience, you'd take that experience and get a better job. Then that experience would benefit someone else.
Brantley Foster: Yeah, but I was trained in college to handle a job like this, so in a sense I already have experience.
Hiring Manager: What you've got is college experience, not the practical, hard-nosed business experience we're looking for. If you'd joined our training program out of high-school, you'd be qualified for this job now.
Brantley Foster: Then why did I go to college?
Hiring Manager: [laughs] Well you had fun, didn't you?
(Sadly, it’s even worse if you went back to school for a Masters because you probably didn’t have any fun doing it.)
Because every business out there wants someone with experience and believes nobody is worth training, I throw rocks.
In one of the first scenes, Brantley Foster (played by Michael J. Fox), a confident, young college grad, has just wrapped up an interview with the hiring manager of a prospective employer.
Hiring Manager: I'm sorry, Mr. Foster. We need someone with experience.
Brantley Foster: But how can I get any experience until I get a job that GIVES me experience?
Hiring Manager: If we gave you a job just to give you experience, you'd take that experience and get a better job. Then that experience would benefit someone else.
Brantley Foster: Yeah, but I was trained in college to handle a job like this, so in a sense I already have experience.
Hiring Manager: What you've got is college experience, not the practical, hard-nosed business experience we're looking for. If you'd joined our training program out of high-school, you'd be qualified for this job now.
Brantley Foster: Then why did I go to college?
Hiring Manager: [laughs] Well you had fun, didn't you?
(Sadly, it’s even worse if you went back to school for a Masters because you probably didn’t have any fun doing it.)
Because every business out there wants someone with experience and believes nobody is worth training, I throw rocks.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Slap Silly
At a staff meeting today Jim, one of the flunktional managers, announced he was leaving his position to take a program management role. It took us all by surprise since this flunky had only been in the position for about a year. After Jim’s announcement, his manager (a Zookeeper in Training) started to give a good-bye thank you speech in pure Shitshow fashion. The speech started off with a quick thank you then went into to a long description on what he would like Jim’s replacement to be doing. Translation, I want the new flunktional manager to do all the things that Jim either didn’t or wasn’t able to due. What a slap in the face, even for the Shitshow.
It get’s better. The Zookeeper in Training then says “so if any of you know someone with those skills please tell them to apply to the job opening.” Translation, no one in this room is going to get the job (so much for career development within your own function) but please spread the word to those who are qualified. What a skill, the Zookeeper in Training was able to slap everyone in the room in one quick swipe.
Any one with people management common sense could easily tell you that what the Zookeeper in Training did was wrong on every single level, but as you know people skills is not a requirement to be management at the Shitshow.
Because the only people skill the Zookeeper in Training has is slapping people silly, I throw rocks.
It get’s better. The Zookeeper in Training then says “so if any of you know someone with those skills please tell them to apply to the job opening.” Translation, no one in this room is going to get the job (so much for career development within your own function) but please spread the word to those who are qualified. What a skill, the Zookeeper in Training was able to slap everyone in the room in one quick swipe.
Any one with people management common sense could easily tell you that what the Zookeeper in Training did was wrong on every single level, but as you know people skills is not a requirement to be management at the Shitshow.
Because the only people skill the Zookeeper in Training has is slapping people silly, I throw rocks.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Must Have Prior Experience
As some of you may have surmised, I am desperately trying to get out of engineering and into a leadership position, such as management. Unfortunately, my efforts are hindered by one requirement that I see in every single job posting I come across: every management position out there (including those at the Shitshow) is looking for someone with prior management experience.
Now I have a beef with that because it implies that anyone with prior management experience will be a better manager than anyone without management experience. But if every person in management was a good manager, why do so many people hate their jobs and their bosses? Why do so many people see their bosses as incompetent? Why do so many companies go from cutting edge to falling behind the pack? Poor management, of course. In fact, poor management is so common that there is even a saying in the Consulting Industry: “If you don’t know the root of the problem, take a look at Management. If still you can’t find what’s wrong, take another look at Management.”
So why is everyone pretending that management experience is always a plus? There are a ton of bad managers out there, and the business world just keeps shuffling them around. If you ask me, there are a lot more bad managers out there than good ones. Odds are you’d be better off hiring someone without management experience. At least then there’d be a chance for some fresh new ideas. Yes, I know that’s just wishful thinking. I just hope that by the time I do get some managerial experience, I won’t be jaded, having learned everything from the “mentors” above me at the Shitshow.
Because even the worst managers at the Shtishow are still more marketable than me, I throw rocks.
Now I have a beef with that because it implies that anyone with prior management experience will be a better manager than anyone without management experience. But if every person in management was a good manager, why do so many people hate their jobs and their bosses? Why do so many people see their bosses as incompetent? Why do so many companies go from cutting edge to falling behind the pack? Poor management, of course. In fact, poor management is so common that there is even a saying in the Consulting Industry: “If you don’t know the root of the problem, take a look at Management. If still you can’t find what’s wrong, take another look at Management.”
So why is everyone pretending that management experience is always a plus? There are a ton of bad managers out there, and the business world just keeps shuffling them around. If you ask me, there are a lot more bad managers out there than good ones. Odds are you’d be better off hiring someone without management experience. At least then there’d be a chance for some fresh new ideas. Yes, I know that’s just wishful thinking. I just hope that by the time I do get some managerial experience, I won’t be jaded, having learned everything from the “mentors” above me at the Shitshow.
Because even the worst managers at the Shtishow are still more marketable than me, I throw rocks.
Timing is Everything
Aerospace is a cyclical industry that is dependent on new government contracts. A new contract comes around when the US government expresses a need for a new military plane, space shuttle, satellite, etc. That’s when all the major defense contractors (the Shitshows) submit their bids to win the contract. If your Shitshow just so happens to be the winner (biggest liar), then you have the beginnings of a new program that is sure to last several years. So today I offer another invaluable lesson to all the budding engineers, again, so that they do not make the same mistakes I have made in my career.
Lesson #23: Timing is Everything – Career growth is entirely dependent on when you join a new program.
Here’s the rundown. If you join a new program in the honeymoon period (first 1-2 years), then your future is bright. You were one of the first engineers hired onto a program that is projected to grow rapidly in the next few years due to the increased scope of work. Naturally, with an increase in workforce must come an increase in management, especially at bureaucracies like the Shitshow (see post titled “An Abundance of Dunces”) Who better to promote to these leadership/management positions than the guys who have been there the longest? (Sure, one could make the argument that perhaps promoting someone based on their unique skill set and hard work should be a factor. But this is the Shitshow; nobody has time to think about that when you can just sort everyone in a spreadsheet by “Date of Hire”)
Most of the hiring on the program happens just after the honeymoon period. This is when they hire all the work monkeys. If you got hired after the honeymoon, you got duped. At your interview, they probably told you there was lots of work and that the program is still growing. They probably told you that the older engineers will soon be retiring, and there will be many opportunities for promotion (See post titled “The Decaying Workforce”). Once again, nothing could be further from the truth.
The only people that get promoted after the honeymoon period are those that already have a foot on the ladder. In the coming years, there will be only be a few more opportunities and you can be assured that they will be given only to those people already within the current leadership (Most senior engineer to Lead, Lead to IPT Lead, IPT Lead to Functional Manager, Functional Manager to Program Manager, and so on). Things that don’t factor into the equation at all are: unique skills, hard work, drive, or initiative. In fact, showing off any of those traits at this point in the program only makes you look like a sucker. Save your energy and wait for the next new program.
Because I'd have more opportunties for advancement working at McDonald’s, I throw rocks.
Lesson #23: Timing is Everything – Career growth is entirely dependent on when you join a new program.
Here’s the rundown. If you join a new program in the honeymoon period (first 1-2 years), then your future is bright. You were one of the first engineers hired onto a program that is projected to grow rapidly in the next few years due to the increased scope of work. Naturally, with an increase in workforce must come an increase in management, especially at bureaucracies like the Shitshow (see post titled “An Abundance of Dunces”) Who better to promote to these leadership/management positions than the guys who have been there the longest? (Sure, one could make the argument that perhaps promoting someone based on their unique skill set and hard work should be a factor. But this is the Shitshow; nobody has time to think about that when you can just sort everyone in a spreadsheet by “Date of Hire”)
Most of the hiring on the program happens just after the honeymoon period. This is when they hire all the work monkeys. If you got hired after the honeymoon, you got duped. At your interview, they probably told you there was lots of work and that the program is still growing. They probably told you that the older engineers will soon be retiring, and there will be many opportunities for promotion (See post titled “The Decaying Workforce”). Once again, nothing could be further from the truth.
The only people that get promoted after the honeymoon period are those that already have a foot on the ladder. In the coming years, there will be only be a few more opportunities and you can be assured that they will be given only to those people already within the current leadership (Most senior engineer to Lead, Lead to IPT Lead, IPT Lead to Functional Manager, Functional Manager to Program Manager, and so on). Things that don’t factor into the equation at all are: unique skills, hard work, drive, or initiative. In fact, showing off any of those traits at this point in the program only makes you look like a sucker. Save your energy and wait for the next new program.
Because I'd have more opportunties for advancement working at McDonald’s, I throw rocks.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Take That Personality Down
Given that our new cubical farm is the greenest place at the Shitshow (see A Tale of Two Cities - II) it’s become a showcase for visiting flunky executives. Luckily it’s just a rocks throw away from the new executive suite.
Today we were all forced to take down any personal items we used to give our "cells" a personal touch. People were forced to remove such things as football and basketball team flags, any comic strip postings tacked to the cubical walls and best of all any plants. That’s right! Plants have no place in the greenest building at the Shitshow.
Because prisoners have more decorating options, I throw rocks.
Today we were all forced to take down any personal items we used to give our "cells" a personal touch. People were forced to remove such things as football and basketball team flags, any comic strip postings tacked to the cubical walls and best of all any plants. That’s right! Plants have no place in the greenest building at the Shitshow.
Because prisoners have more decorating options, I throw rocks.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Customer Relations and Parking
As mentioned in A Tale of Two Cities – II, previously unused storage space was converted into a mass cubical farm. Hundreds and hundreds of flunkies were moved in. One little problem, only 20 new parking spaces were added.
The Shitshow justification? All the newly moved people can use the near by parking structure which is only a 5 minute walk. The only problem with that idea was that the parking structure was pretty much already over flowing (another company uses that parking structure as well as flunkies that were previously moved to another unused Shitshow storage space).
The icing on the cake is that of the 20 newly added spaces, the Customer Relations group has 8 of those spaces reserved. That’s right, even though any customer who works with the Shitshow usually doesn’t come back and the Shitshow has only had a hand full of new customers in the last 10 years the Customer Relations group is treated like royalty. In fact, customers have left half way through projects, others sue us while they are customers, and still others will seek a new company to work with even if they just want an exact copy of what we delivered last time. And yet the privileged few in the Customer Relations group get preferential parking at the new building.
Because the Shitshow rewards continued failure with primo parking spots, along with all our former customers I throw rocks.
The Shitshow justification? All the newly moved people can use the near by parking structure which is only a 5 minute walk. The only problem with that idea was that the parking structure was pretty much already over flowing (another company uses that parking structure as well as flunkies that were previously moved to another unused Shitshow storage space).
The icing on the cake is that of the 20 newly added spaces, the Customer Relations group has 8 of those spaces reserved. That’s right, even though any customer who works with the Shitshow usually doesn’t come back and the Shitshow has only had a hand full of new customers in the last 10 years the Customer Relations group is treated like royalty. In fact, customers have left half way through projects, others sue us while they are customers, and still others will seek a new company to work with even if they just want an exact copy of what we delivered last time. And yet the privileged few in the Customer Relations group get preferential parking at the new building.
Because the Shitshow rewards continued failure with primo parking spots, along with all our former customers I throw rocks.
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