In addition to King Kong's usual delinquent managerial actions, Human Resources also put on a good showing on my last day. So part of the "last day checklist" involved me meeting with HR as the last step in the process to hand in my badge and receive my final paycheck. Because King Kong was missing in action and forgot to sign my timecard, my paycheck wasnt ready and I was told "it would be mailed to me soon". The only problem is that "soon" at the Shitshow means 6 months to a year. Anyways, I digress......so I go to HR and hand in my badge and I am escorted out of the building by some HR lady to the front of the building but the only problem is that the parking structure where all Shitshow employees park is across the street and I cannot get access to it without my badge. So I sit there for 20 minutes talking to the guard at the entrance, explaining to him why I dont have a badge and he tells me "if it's your last day, show me your final paycheck" but we know that dog wont hunt since King Kong was too busy surfing the web at harleydavidson.com to sign my timecard so I didnt have a paycheck. Finally, the guard calls the Human Resource flunky and she confirms that it is my last day and states "this commonly happens since the Human Resource Dept. switched buildings and it is a flaw in their process".........my oh my, nice of them to let me know. Heaven forbide that they ever fix a process that actually needs fixing......oh no, the Shitshow only fixes and adds processes that add no value or utility.
Because I couldnt even get to my car without beauracracy on my last day, I throw rocks.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Survey Time
It’s that wonderful time of year again; it’s time to take the annual employee survey! Of course flunktional managers get graded on how many of their minions complete the survey, so I’m always torn if I should throw rocks by not completing the survey or throw rocks by unloading on the survey. I usually opt to complete the survey because it’s better than having to talk to my flunktional manager about why I wasn’t “able” to make the time to complete the survey.
Since I’m taking the survey I use it to try to throw rocks. There is an art form when completing the survey. You have to be able to point out all the things that make the Shitshow the Shitshow without out coming across as a complete wacko in which your comments get automatically thrown away.
For example you can’t say:
This place is a complete joke, the schedules are so screwed up that they make me puke.
Instead you have to say:
I find it frustrating trying to implement lean practices to help reduce cost when functional managers make us hold sell off meetings before the product is ready to sell off, causing traveled work, just because their executive director demanded the sell off be held by a certain date.
It’s a matter of using as many buzz words as possible while pointing out how flunktional managers say one thing then do another which goes against Shitshow process. It’s also the perfect time to recall some of King Kong’s primordial burst of rage when talking about how safe you feel your work environment or when talking about the openness to suggest new ideas.
Odds are nothing will change as a result of the survey. However, it is a satisfying feeling when I hit complete at the end of the survey. As with any thrown rock, it provides a little hope. Who knows, the rocks might actually make and impact just like when David took down Goliath.
Because I’m forced to decide between taking a survey which will result in no changes and talking to my flunktional manager about why I didn’t take the survey, I throw rocks.
Since I’m taking the survey I use it to try to throw rocks. There is an art form when completing the survey. You have to be able to point out all the things that make the Shitshow the Shitshow without out coming across as a complete wacko in which your comments get automatically thrown away.
For example you can’t say:
This place is a complete joke, the schedules are so screwed up that they make me puke.
Instead you have to say:
I find it frustrating trying to implement lean practices to help reduce cost when functional managers make us hold sell off meetings before the product is ready to sell off, causing traveled work, just because their executive director demanded the sell off be held by a certain date.
It’s a matter of using as many buzz words as possible while pointing out how flunktional managers say one thing then do another which goes against Shitshow process. It’s also the perfect time to recall some of King Kong’s primordial burst of rage when talking about how safe you feel your work environment or when talking about the openness to suggest new ideas.
Odds are nothing will change as a result of the survey. However, it is a satisfying feeling when I hit complete at the end of the survey. As with any thrown rock, it provides a little hope. Who knows, the rocks might actually make and impact just like when David took down Goliath.
Because I’m forced to decide between taking a survey which will result in no changes and talking to my flunktional manager about why I didn’t take the survey, I throw rocks.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
New Business
One of the most hilarious things I used to encounter on a daily basis at the Shitshow was new business. We would have depart-"mental insanity" meetings where the Zookeeper and King Kong would get up there and spew all this rambling nonsense about all these new contracts but the funny thing was that this would be the last we would ever hear about them because the business would all go elsewhere. The problem is that years of running the business like a shitshow has angered many of our customers by driving up their costs and having huge schedule delays until they can role out their new products. The propoganda got so bad that flunktional management would even go onstage at the "departmental reality show" and start referring to programs that were in the concept phase and not even accepting bids yet as new business. Desperate times call for desperate measures at the Shitshow.....at one point, Flunktional management was referring to a program which the Shitshow lost to another company and was protesting the decision as "new businees". I mean, you cant make this stuff up it was so pathetic. What was truly amazing is that all of the clowns at the departmental insanity meetings would be sitting there drooling on themselves while they believe the Zookeeper's propoganda. The most hilarious aspect of these meetings was when one of the people in the audience would ask the Zookeeper "what are we doing to become more competitive" and the Zookeeper would respond with all of his "strategies". Give me a break! What strategies? They have no strategies other than to let King Kong run wild and drive all the talent out of the company and throw chairs at people.
Because the Shitshow has no end in sight, I throw rocks.
Because the Shitshow has no end in sight, I throw rocks.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Time To Brag
About a year ago the Shitshow executives got a brilliant idea, reduce cost by moving out of high rent buildings and into “under utilized” buildings owned by the Shitshow. Under utilized is an understatement. They were basically empty buildings with some boxes in them. At an all hands meeting the executives were bragging about how they came up with this idea and how much money it would save. And to think, it only took them 10 years to come to this conclusion!
This would be like me owning a perfectly good car but not using it because at the time I thought it would be cool to rent a car from a car rental agency. After awhile of renting, coming to the realization I could save money by not renting the car anymore and use the perfectly good one in my garage. I’m not sure I’d be writing home about that realization.
Because the Shitshow executives brag about things I’d be embarrassed to write home about, I throw rocks.
This would be like me owning a perfectly good car but not using it because at the time I thought it would be cool to rent a car from a car rental agency. After awhile of renting, coming to the realization I could save money by not renting the car anymore and use the perfectly good one in my garage. I’m not sure I’d be writing home about that realization.
Because the Shitshow executives brag about things I’d be embarrassed to write home about, I throw rocks.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Last Day at the Shitshow
As my fellow esteemed rock thrower, Jacko, has stated.... I have moved on to bigger and better things: hopefully a new job that wont make me want to dry heave in the toilet all day long. Although I will miss Jacko and several of my other co-workers (the only people I respected at the Shitshow), leaving the Shitshow is an extremely positive event in my life. So let me tell you about my last day.......
When leaving the Shitshow, Human Resources sends you and your manager an email checklist explaining all of the different things that you need to do prior to leaving the Shitshow. In bright red, sized 15 font on the email, it states "TIMECARD MUST BE SIGNED BY EMPOYEE AND MANAGER ON LAST DAY BY 830AM TO RECEIVE PAYCHECK". As soon as I saw this, I knew it would be months until I will get paid since King Kong is my manager and he can barely remember to breathe. So I spend a couple days running around the Shitshow and collecting signatures and doing a bunch of nonsense and I show up on my last day and check my electronic timecard status and, yes of course, King Kong forgot to sign it. So I spend a good 2 hours paging, emailing, and calling King Kong's cell phone and he is nowhere to be found.
At least my last day at the Shitshow was no different than the rest. But fear not fellow blogers, just because I am no longer employed at the Shitshow, I will still post and vent my frustrations via the blog. Regularly writing about the Shitshow will remind me of how lucky that I really am to be free of the Shitshow's tyranny that would turn me into a mindless vegetable and suck the vitality of life from within me if I did not leave.
So in closing, I am an example of Hope to all you frustrated Rock Throwers trapped at some godawful Shitshow. Keep throwing rocks and keep your head up. After every dark night there's a bright day.
Because the Shitshow was still a Shitshow even on my last day, I will continue to throw rocks.
When leaving the Shitshow, Human Resources sends you and your manager an email checklist explaining all of the different things that you need to do prior to leaving the Shitshow. In bright red, sized 15 font on the email, it states "TIMECARD MUST BE SIGNED BY EMPOYEE AND MANAGER ON LAST DAY BY 830AM TO RECEIVE PAYCHECK". As soon as I saw this, I knew it would be months until I will get paid since King Kong is my manager and he can barely remember to breathe. So I spend a couple days running around the Shitshow and collecting signatures and doing a bunch of nonsense and I show up on my last day and check my electronic timecard status and, yes of course, King Kong forgot to sign it. So I spend a good 2 hours paging, emailing, and calling King Kong's cell phone and he is nowhere to be found.
At least my last day at the Shitshow was no different than the rest. But fear not fellow blogers, just because I am no longer employed at the Shitshow, I will still post and vent my frustrations via the blog. Regularly writing about the Shitshow will remind me of how lucky that I really am to be free of the Shitshow's tyranny that would turn me into a mindless vegetable and suck the vitality of life from within me if I did not leave.
So in closing, I am an example of Hope to all you frustrated Rock Throwers trapped at some godawful Shitshow. Keep throwing rocks and keep your head up. After every dark night there's a bright day.
Because the Shitshow was still a Shitshow even on my last day, I will continue to throw rocks.
Friday, July 2, 2010
NunnMcCurdy – “Free at last, free at last”
This week was a sad week. NunnMcCurdy left the Shitshow. Yet another example of the Young and The Talented moving on to greener pastures.
NunnMcCurdy was a stand-up worker, someone you actually wanted on your team because he would get work done correctly and quickly. I know many people on my various teams, including myself, had to ask Nunn for help and he was always there to help. He always delivered.
Outside of work Nunn was one of the few co-workers I actually considered a friend. I would occasionally meet up with Nunn for dinner after work which always provided a good laugh. His stories about dating and stories about his crazy roommate are worthy of their own blog.
The good news is that not all is lost.
Nunn worked at the Shitshow for more than 5 years, and he’s only been posting for a couple months. In all honesty he could post every day for the next 5 years and not run out of things to post about. Nunn has even made the bold statement that he could continue posting until he died and not run out of stories of thrown rocks.
Nunn has vowed to keep posting!
To all you fellow rock throwers, raise a rock and throw it for Nunn – one of the original rock throwers.
Because King Kong and the Zookeeper led to Nunn seeking opportunities elsewhere, I throw rocks.
NunnMcCurdy was a stand-up worker, someone you actually wanted on your team because he would get work done correctly and quickly. I know many people on my various teams, including myself, had to ask Nunn for help and he was always there to help. He always delivered.
Outside of work Nunn was one of the few co-workers I actually considered a friend. I would occasionally meet up with Nunn for dinner after work which always provided a good laugh. His stories about dating and stories about his crazy roommate are worthy of their own blog.
The good news is that not all is lost.
Nunn worked at the Shitshow for more than 5 years, and he’s only been posting for a couple months. In all honesty he could post every day for the next 5 years and not run out of things to post about. Nunn has even made the bold statement that he could continue posting until he died and not run out of stories of thrown rocks.
Nunn has vowed to keep posting!
To all you fellow rock throwers, raise a rock and throw it for Nunn – one of the original rock throwers.
Because King Kong and the Zookeeper led to Nunn seeking opportunities elsewhere, I throw rocks.
Mandatory Training - III
A lot has already been said about Mandatory Training, see the following three post:
1) You know you work at a Shitshow when….
2) Mandatory Training II
3) Mandatory Training
What hasn’t been mentioned is the tactics flunktional managers use to get people to complete their mandatory training, go ahead and guess…
If you guessed providing incentives and making it an overall positive experience, you guessed wrong. Public humiliation is the preferred tactic.
As the deadline approaches the flunktional office administrator starts sending out an email reminding people to complete their training. Attached to the email is a list of all employees and what training each has to take and their individual status. It’s a large list but anyone can look to see who has done what.
Since most people only look to see what training they have to do, the flunktional directorate turns it up a notch. In the body of the email they start listing, the “worst offenders.” The last email that went out singled out 1 person as the “worst offender.”
I can only hope the person called out in the email is not doing training because he’s throwing rocks knowing that his manager and director will be graded on if all their minions completed their training on time. More than likely, this is just another Bob figure who just doesn’t know how to take the online training.
Nonetheless by individually calling out people, the flunktional managers hope to shame the “worst offenders” into completing their training. The funny thing is at aquariums, zoos and theme parks around the world, animal trainers know positive reinforcement is the way to train their animals and dolphins to do tricks. However, at the Shitshow, flunktional managers still resort to old-school circus style brutality training.
Because shame and humiliation are the preferred method to get employees to complete training, I throw rocks.
1) You know you work at a Shitshow when….
2) Mandatory Training II
3) Mandatory Training
What hasn’t been mentioned is the tactics flunktional managers use to get people to complete their mandatory training, go ahead and guess…
If you guessed providing incentives and making it an overall positive experience, you guessed wrong. Public humiliation is the preferred tactic.
As the deadline approaches the flunktional office administrator starts sending out an email reminding people to complete their training. Attached to the email is a list of all employees and what training each has to take and their individual status. It’s a large list but anyone can look to see who has done what.
Since most people only look to see what training they have to do, the flunktional directorate turns it up a notch. In the body of the email they start listing, the “worst offenders.” The last email that went out singled out 1 person as the “worst offender.”
I can only hope the person called out in the email is not doing training because he’s throwing rocks knowing that his manager and director will be graded on if all their minions completed their training on time. More than likely, this is just another Bob figure who just doesn’t know how to take the online training.
Nonetheless by individually calling out people, the flunktional managers hope to shame the “worst offenders” into completing their training. The funny thing is at aquariums, zoos and theme parks around the world, animal trainers know positive reinforcement is the way to train their animals and dolphins to do tricks. However, at the Shitshow, flunktional managers still resort to old-school circus style brutality training.
Because shame and humiliation are the preferred method to get employees to complete training, I throw rocks.
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