Corrective Action Board

One of the things at the Shitshow that blows my mind is the concept of the Corrective Action Board. In theory, this is a great concept which states that when we have problems we investigate them and put corrective and preventative measures in place to remedy the situation. Like I said......In theory this stounds great but there is a problem. Odds are, some flunky like King Kong or the Zookeeper is in charge of the CAB board and they put new hires out of college in charge of leading up the root cause investigations. Almost 99% of the time, the new hires dont have the experience or the knowledge to perform a value added investigation and really understand the situation.

Let me give you an example, one time I worked on a project where some hardware got wired incorrectly and a corrective action board investigation was performed to understand what happened and how it could be prevented in the future. You guessed it, a new hire worked the issue and completely botched the whole investigation. First of all, the new hire did not even go to talk to the people involved, instead he listened to the second hand account of what the flunctional manager told him. After his investigation, I saw a copy of his power point and could not even believe what I was seeing. One of the root causes for the miswiring was not using the "two man rule" when we had 3 people double check the wiring. It was just simply human error. Another root cause was identified as "not having hardware quality present" even though they were there as part of the two man rule. You get the idea. Maybe if he would have talked to some of the people who worked on the project, he would have picked up on some of these key details but instead he listened to flunctional management. Then this new hire flunky goes and presents his moronic findings to high level management who will implement corrective action that is completely wrong. What a colossal waste of company resources.

Here's a good idea...They should do a corrective action board investigation for why the Shitshow is such a mess.

Because the Shitshow cannot even understand the root causes of why it is a Shitshow, I throw rocks.

Body Language

(As mentioned in the previous post "The Real Matrix", every engineer has three bosses: Lead, IPT Lead, and Functional Manager)

While I interact regularly with my Lead, I occasionally get the pleasure of interacting with my IPT Lead: Duckface. You see, because of Matrix Management, Duckface's opinion of me matters alot, since his direct feedback goes into my performance review. But even though he sits twenty feet away, Duckface has no idea what I do, as he never comes by my desk...ever.

So if I want him to know that I actually accomplished something, I have to swing by his desk and tell him. And boy is that fun, because each time I approach him with "Can I talk to you for minute?" Duckface gives me a look like I just told him that he is being audited by the IRS. He puckers his lips out (like a duck), closes his eyes, and starts rubbing his forehead profusely. "(Sigh) Sure..." he says.

I could be telling him that I just corrected a mistake that would have cost the team $1 million, it doesn't matter. Because the entire time I'm talking, he has his eyes closed and his puckered face in his hands, as if he is counting how long it will be before I finish. When I do, he simply says "Is that it?" I confirm. "Oh, okay", he says, "well, thanks for doing that." And he swivels back around in his chair, back to work on whatever he was doing before I interrupted. Now keep in mind, this happens every time I go see Duckface. That's what we call 'positive reinforcement' at the Shitshow.

Because the Shitshow promotes people who actually hate human interaction to positions of leadership, I throw rocks

King Kong and the Expense Report

In several of my previous posts, I wrote about what a complete and utter joke the expense reimbursement process is at the Shitshow. So the other day I got a nastygram email from some moron in HR saying I had "outstanding expenses that havent been paid" and if I dont pay soon "there will be sanctions and penalties on my expense account"........whatever the hell that means. Anyways, so I go to talk to the office assistant who is in charge of this and told her that I filed a expense report in August of 2009. Yes......that's not a typo........August of 2009 and my expense report is still not paid. How can this be? So the office assistant looks into the computer system and sees that the expense report was sent to my manager 3 times over the last year for approval and was never signed. You guessed it- King Kong. So keep in mind over the course of the year, interest and late fees have been accumulating on my corporate card all because King Kong forgets to sign it. You figure with all the email reminders, he would remember. Wrong. We're talking about King Kong here. He's too busy expressing primordial rage or surfing the internet for new crown moulding for his rennovation of his house.

Because my manager cant even remember to click one mouse button to approve an expense report over the course of a year, I throw rocks.

Business Development and the value of an MBA

The other day I ran into an old functional manager, Chris, who finally had enough with the Zookeeper.  After switching departments a couple of times he ended up in Business Development.  I was pretty excited to hear this since I just completed my MBA not too long ago.  Looking for an opportunity to move out from King Kong’s area I asked Chris if there were any openings in the business development group.  I added that I just received my MBA.   Then the reality of the Shitshow sunk in.

Chris looked at me funny and asked, “MBA?  Really?” I confirmed that was what I said.  Chris had this puzzled look on his face and said “an MBA wouldn’t be useful for Business Development.”

I was in utter shock.  A Masters in Business Administration where students take classes on how to analyze new business opportunities and classes on how to perform competitive and strategic analysis to beat competitors in products would not be useful within the business development function at the Shitshow.

Because my MBA has no value at the Shitshow, even within the business development function, I throw rocks.

The Zookeeper Just Laughs

The other day at yet another status meeting King Kong started to get mad at our very own NunnMcCurdy.  Apparently King Kong was getting upset that Nunn asked for help from the Zookeeper and his animals then pointed out that after days of asking for the same help no action was taken.

In a matter of no time King Kong went into his typical primordial rage, getting red in the face, yelling at the top of his lungs, and spitting when he tried to communicate.  King Kong was so upset Nunn was afraid he might throw a chair (see King Kong goes wild on the Commander).

In an attempt to throw rocks, Nunn went to the Zookeeper to let him know that King Kong was going wild yet again.  You would think the Zookeeper would show concern and try to reign in King Kong, WRONG!  Instead the Zookeeper laughed about it and said “that’s King Kong for you.”  He then went on to tell Nunn "you're being too sensitive.”

Because the Zookeeper just laughs when King Kong goes wild, I throw rocks.

Earned Value

One of the things at the Shitshow that makes me want to dance on a mine field is the implementation of earned value accounting. Here is a definition of Earned Value Accounting from Wikipedia "is a project management technique for measuring project progress in an objective manner. EVM has the ability to combine measurements of scope, schedule, and cost in a single integrated system. When properly applied, EVM provides an early warning of performance problems. Additionally, EVM promises to improve the definition of project scope, prevent scope creep, communicate objective progress to stakeholders, and keep the project team focused on achieving progress."

This sounds great in principle but the problem is that when you get some flunky like King Kong (or the Zoo Keeper) who cant tell the difference between their asses and a hole in the ground determining the earned value milestones and how many man hours it should take to complete a task, the metrics become worthless and tell you nothing about the overall progress of a program.

What is amazing is that every program or project that I work on is always significantly over budget but they let the Zookeeper and King Kong continuously bid the projects and determine the earned value metrics. It's like Planet of the Apes. The same flunkies who screw up over and over again are always put back in charge with "corrective action" to prevent budget overruns in the future but that never works.

Because I spend all day performing worthless tasks for the sake of poorly thought out earned value that adds no value to the overall product, I throw rocks.

The Perks of Knowing an Engineer

What do the following occupations have in common: doctor, lawyer, financial advisor, plumber, policeman, or car mechanic? They are all someone you want to be friends with because they can do you favors or give you free advice. It actually benefits you to be friends with them. In contrast, engineers don’t offer anything to their friends or loved ones. There is a common myth that engineers can do technical things like fix a computer or build a new kitchen, but that sad myth is soon exposed, prompting common phrases like "How many engineers does it take..." or "You’re an engineer, you should be able to figure it out." Sadly, the only entity to which the engineer has anything to offer is the company he works for.

One day, however, I got a phone call from a friend who wanted to apply for a job at the Shitshow, and being that I work there, was wondering if I could give him an internal referral. I told him that if he really wanted to work here despite everything I’ve told him, I would make it happen. After all, I do work here.

Finally, I had something to offer!!! I got off the phone and immediately went to the internal career website and looked up the job position he was seeking. In the job posting, there was a job description, location (Los Angeles), and send application button. That’s it. It did not tell me: which program they were hiring for, who the hiring manager was, or who to contact for more info about the position. You would have thought the internal website would have a little more to offer. Nope! The internal website was exactly the same as the external website. Regardless, I tried submitting his resume and got an error message – "Referral Failed. Call Human Resources"

Now that’s as broad a term as you can get. It’s like telling someone to "Call Engineering". Which Human Resources was I supposed to call? I didn’t even know what program or sector this is position is for! So I called the Shitshow Human Resources "hotline". After being bounced around several times, I finally found someone willing to speak with me. She told me that I could not submit his resume because he "was already in  the system." Basically, if someone has applied to a job, any job, at the Shitshow within the past year, he can no longer be referred. "Ok fine," I told her. "Can you at least give me the name of the hiring manager or what program the position is for?" She said she was not authorized to tell me that, but could give me the name of the recruiter…in Kansas!

That’s right. The recruiter, for a Los Angeles job that for all I know could be in the same building as me, was based out of Kansas. I called him the next day and gave him the good ole boy talk, telling him about how long I have been at the Shitshow, how perfect this candidate was, etc. (He really was one of the smartest, hardest working people I have ever met, would have been a great contributor at the Shitshow) Just when I thought I was making progress with the recruiter, he tells me that he’s not allowed to tell me what program the job is on or who the hiring manager was. He told me that the best way for my friend to get a job…was to go to the external career site and apply online himself. And so I told my friend to do just that. And boy, did I feel worthless...

Because I can’t even get a qualified candidate hired at the Shitshow, and because I have nothing to offer my friends and loved ones while working at the Shitshow, I throw rocks.