Jacko's Last Chapter

January 3^rd was the first day back to work after the holiday break (holiday break is a misnomer, it’s really just all the holidays he should have gotten throughout the year stacked up at the end of the year), so I did the only thing I could think of, I put in my two week notice and decided to take 2 weeks of vacation which ended this past Friday!

Why did I wait until the beginning of the year?  I wanted to make sure I got my bonus from last year (which you don’t get if you leave on your own) and I wanted to get my holiday time off with pay. 

So what happened?  During the break, I was watching TV and What Happens in Vegas came on.  There was one line in the movie that really struck a chord with me:  “I'd rather do nothing and be happy than do something I know I don't love.”

It was at that point I decided I was going to quit and figure out what to do after that. When I walked into my flunktional manager’s office to tell him, he was a little shocked.  When he asked me why I was leaving, he just had a blank look on his face when I simply said “I’d rather do nothing and be happy than do something I know I don’t love."  He then asked if I had an offer at another Shitshow, I answered with continued "I don’t have another offer, I just know I can’t work here anymore."  The blank look on his face was worth a million thrown rocks. 

Because I hated my job, I threw the only rock I had left to throw and quit. 

Promoted

Every now and then I almost convince myself that management decisions at the Shitshow aren’t as bad as I make them out to be, that perhaps I tend to exaggerate things.  But every time I do, something like this happens.

A coworker of mine, who is actually half way descent, just returned from a 6 month leave of absence.   Taking 6 months off isn’t that big of a deal, and I actually think it’s a good way to throw rocks if you can afford it.  But what boggles my mind is the day he got back from his leave of absence he got a promotion.  That’s right, taking ½ a year off, only adding cost to the Shitshow, lead to a promotion.   

In the meantime I’m mentoring people 2 levels above me, doing a good portion of Queen Perfume’s work, babysitting “senior” engineers, and working over the holiday break and what do I get?  Absolutely nothing!

Because the fastest way to the top is to take vacation, I throw rocks. 

Holiday Depression

Every year during the holiday season people get depressed, for some it’s a serious issue.  Well at the Shitshow, holiday depression has its own twist.

Usually holiday season depression is a result of people missing loved ones or feeling lonely As the holidays approach and on the actual holiday.  However, that’s not the case at the Shitshow. At the Shitshow people are elated as the Holidays approach.  Why you might ask? It’s simple, the Shitshow closes down for almost 2 weeks, and we still get paid! 

Of course Shitshow minions still get depressed but that depression usually doesn’t start until a couple of days before the holiday break is over with the depression going into full swing that first week back.

Because I’m too depressed to work, I throw rocks.  

Don’t Call us, We’ll Call You

This story was submitted by a long time fellow rock thrower.  He left the company about 6 months ago but still gets reminded of his past almost everyday.  When he told me why, I almost fell out of my chair laughing.

When I worked at the Shitshow I never liked working in my cubical.  From my cubical neighbor insisting on using the speaker phone to a girl down the row from me cussing at her mom on almost a daily basis, I’m sure you can understand.  So I’d spend my day walking around or hanging out at my friends cube. 

Since the Shitshow wouldn’t approve a cell phone for me, nor could I have voice messages forwarded to my pager, I decided to have calls to my office voice mail forwarded to by personal cell phone.  I figured this would make it seem like I just stepped away from the cube if my manger called or something like that.

Well when I left I asked my manager and HR what would happen to my voicemail and the call forward feature.  The both assured me it would automatically be disconnected within 24 hours of my last day and I didn’t have to do anything. 

Guess what?  My Shitshow voicemail is still active and I get a forwarded call about once a day.  I tried contacting King Kong multiple times without success.  I finally got a hold of him and told him my situation.  He said he’d have to submit a work order to get this fixed but would have to do a lot of extra paper work since the work order was for a phone number no longer associated with an employee.  That was 2 months ago, and so far today I’ve received 3 forwarded messages. 

Because I’m reminded daily that I worked at the Shitshow, I still throw rocks. 

You’re a mean one, Mr. Guard

As it’s been pointed out many times before in the InSecurity posts, the Shitshow security brings us safety only the Shitshow could be proud to contract out.  Well I’m sure this story would bring even a smile to the Grinch.  

Last Friday I saw a Shitshow legend (on the status of Bob), trying to bring in pre-wrapped presents to give to all the managers he works for and all of their office administrators.  Much to his surprise, after walking past the same InSecurity guard he has for the past 2 years without ever being asked to inspect a bag, the guard asked to see the bag full of presents. 

After a long explanation the InSecurity guard was not satisfied and demanded that all the presents be unwrapped so he could inspect them for security threats.  Despite your thoughts about this, the Shitshow factor kicks in big time is that during this whole incident other employees were walking in with laptop bags and oversized purses without being checked!  

Because not even the Grinch could come up with such and awful good security plan, I throw rocks. 

Mr. Sunshine - The Writing is in the Heart

Mr. Sunshine just sent me his latest piece.  He titled in "The Writing is in the Heart" which I'm guessing is a play on words from The (Revolving) Door Code - III.  Whatever the inspiration was, it's another classic.  Feel free to print it out and hang it with pride!

Because receiving this image was the best part of my work day, I throw rocks. 

Queen Perfume’s Reply

Not too long ago a co-worker found a way out of the Shitshow!  With about a week before his final day he sent out a mass email to all the people he worked with through the years saying good-bye and giving thanks for all of the support they provided.  That is not what this post is about; it’s about the Queens response. 

Despite being out on her leave of absence the Queen still took time to respond.  At first my friend though the Queen was going to wish him the best of luck, and thank him for doing most if not all of her work during the last year. 

Of course he was wrong.  The Queen replied with, “Before you go, can you finish this one task so I won’t have to deal with it when I get back?”   After almost falling out from his chair from laughing, he immediately deleted the email.

Because not even Bill Lumbergh could out sleaze Queen Perfume, I throw rocks. 

Santa Kong - II

While working today, adding value to the bottom line, I saw an advertisement for this on facebook.  I almost fell out of my chair laughing.  Despite not being produced by a Throwing-Rocks family member I figured it was still worthy of a post and a purchase.  

You can pick up your own Santa Kong here.

Because this shirt captures the Christmas spirit at the Shitshow, I throw rocks. 

The (Revolving) Door Code – III

It’s not bad enough that the door code for the front and back doors randomly change without notice, even labs within those walls have door code locks.  However these have their own Shitshow twist.  

So we all know, if you don’t know the door code for the front door you just have to wait until someone eventually opens the doors (of course the time you wait gets charged to the company).   But what about a seldom used lab door code? 

Easy, you just look for the penciled in door code on or near the door.  That’s right, someone always writes the super secret lab door code on the wall next to the lab door. 

Because the writing is on the wall at the Shitshow, I throw rocks.  

Giving Thanks

I’m thankful the Shitshow gives me non-stop entertainment.  I’m thankful Queen Perfume reminds me that my nose works.  I’m thankful King Kong helps his minions keep in shape by making them dodge chairs. 

Because, I could write a post everyday for the rest of my life and not run out of stories, I’m thankful I have rocks to throw.  

Mr. Sunshine on Canvas

Mr. Sunshine just throw an awesome rock! He helped one of the good young talents at the Shitshow get a job at direct competitor.  Surprisingly the competitor isn't a Shitshow, which must be why they are dominating the market.

In celebration, Mr. Sunshine made this for his departing friend, feel free to print it out and hang it in your cube.  Sticking with the sad hearts and the slogan of "living the dream" this is an instant classic.  

Because this image sums up life at the Shtishow, I throw rocks.

We’re Here to Pump You Up

What used to be a descent sized break room, with some vending machines and some chairs is now half the size it used to be, the other half was turned into latest thing for managers to brag about, a gym!

Of course the gym was done in pure Shitshow style. 

The gym is a whopping 10’ x 10’ foot room, with low ceilings.  To maximize this newly reclaimed space, the Shitshow packed so many exercise machines in the room that the walkway around the machines is so narrow only one person can walk in it, if there is another person trying to walk pass you need to either slide in between machines or actually get on one to make room.  

Despite the fact people would be working up a sweat, they only air circulation in the room is a tiny ceiling mounted fan in the corner which you can’t even feel if you’re not right in front of it. 

To help cover any chance of worker lawsuits, in order to use the gym you have to get a waiver from the medical office (assuming you can even find the medical office, and if you do good luck getting there when it’s actually opened), stating you’re in good health and won’t hold the Shitshow responsible for any injuries resulting from using the equipment or any medical complications resulting from exercising. 

Because much like Hanz and Franz, the Shitshow’s attempt to pump you up is a complete joke, I throw rocks.  

Shitshow Characters: Loud Mouth Sally

To continue our Shitshow Character series, this week we present Loud Mouth Sally:

 Loud Mouth Sally– A co-worker who intentionally speaks loudly when others are nearby so they can witness what a "hard worker" she is. To be clear, the Loud Mouth is capable of speaking in a normal tone. She just chooses to speak loudly when it is to her benefit. For example, if someone of important stature is nearby, you will suddenly hear the Loud Mouth raise her tone. She usually does it while bragging to someone on the phone or at her cube about how early she came in, how many hours she has worked this week, or how many assignments she is working on --- all in the hopes that people nearby will overhear this. Even if the conversation she is engaged in is negative, she will use the opportunity to talk over that person and brag about herself. For example, if someone is accusing her of being late on her assignment, she will use the opportunity to brag about how late she worked last night. And because most people aren't loud talkers, people nearby never hear the criticism; all they hear is that she worked late last night.

 One thing is for sure, her strategy to be overheard is effective. I know because it is incredibly difficult to get any work done when Loud Mouth Sally is speaking loudly. It is both annoying and fascinating to listen to all the bull$#!t coming out of her mouth. I'd like to think that people see through her bull$#!t like I do. But since she has already been promoted to a higher position than me, I guess the strategy has been working for her. 

Because self propaganda is a rewarded practice around here, I throw rocks.

Phone Interview

After years of wanting to drive off a cliff on the way to work, today I had what thought might be a sliver of hope, a reason to wake up and go to work, a light at the end of the tunnel, I had phone interview with a non-Shitshow company!  

I was pretty excited; I couldn’t help but start to day dream that this was my chance to get out of the Shitshow.  At 3:30pm I placed the call and to my surprise the functional manager I was to talk answered the phone (at the Shitshow flunktional managers are next to impossible to fine). 

The first question I was asked sealed my fate.  “What part of your current job don’t you like?”  I froze like a deer in the headlights. 

I couldn’t focus.  Flashes of King Kong throwing chairs and screaming at me raced through my head. I could smell Queen Perfume while flashes of her asking me the most idiotic questions.  Thoughts of being forced to follow processes written by new hires which require writing a 20 page report for a 2 page test swirled in my head.  I kept drifting in and out of the HR Twilight Zone where I was being told if I didn’t already work here I’d be the perfect candidate for a position here. 

The manager on the phone sensed my hesitation, eventually I sputtered out, “there seems to be a lot of process red tape which often times makes getting the job done harder than it needs to me.”    The manager responded with “interesting, please tell me more.  My Dad used to work at the Shitshow, I’m really interested in understanding how that place works.” 

The rest of the interview had nothing to do with my skill set or work experience; it was completely focused on the manager trying to understand the incomprehensible nature of the Shitshow.  Of course my explanations only left more questions and made no sense to the outsider which resulted in me being written off as not being able to clearly communicate.  At the end of the interview I was basically given that famous line of “don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

Because the light at the end of the tunnel was nothing more than a train, I throw rocks.  

The (Revolving) Door Code – II

As you may have read in a previous post, the Shitshow loves to secretly change the door combination without telling anyone under the premise that this somehow provides more security. Employees regularly get locked out of their workspaces because nobody tells them the new password in advance.  Well, they've done it again...sort of.

The other day, I came in to work, typed in the door combination, and entered my work area. Just a another typical day, except I had the misfortune of having to eat at the cafeteria because I had to take a short lunch. To get to the cafeteria, I have to go a different way than I normally take, exiting through the back of the building. The food at the cafeteria was actually not that bad that day, so I got a good size portion and something to drink. I never eat at the cafeteria so I don't have to interact with any of the trolls I work with. Instead, I carry my food back to my desk and eat there.

Needless to say, my hands were full. As I walk back to my building, I try entering through the same door I came out of. I enter the door code - doesn't work. I try again, almost dropping my lunch in the process. It still doesn't work. That's odd, I thought. I just entered the building a few hours ago and now the combination isn't working? Suddenly, a light bulb went off in my head. I vaguely remembered someone telling me that they changed the door combination a few weeks ago. I must have ignored them, because the combination never changed on any of the other three doors that I normally use. Could they have changed the door combination on this door only? That wouldn't make any sense. All the doors lead to the same work area. So why would they change the combination on one door and not the rest of them? Because they are the Shitshow, that's why!

After waiting around for a few minutes for somebody to enter/exit, I finally gave up. I walked all the way around the building, cursing the entire way, and re-entered using the regular door code.

Sooner or later I will take the hint that the Shitshow is trying to lock us out, and that is why I throw rocks.

Queen Perfume’s Leave of Absence

The next best thing to Queen Perfume actually getting fired or at least transferred to another program, she recently started a 3 month leave of absence.  At first this made things a lot easier but all good things come to an end.

The first couple weeks of the Queen’s absence were great!  I didn’t have to put up with her overwhelming stench, nor did I have to spend hours trying to explain basic concepts to her only for her to summarize back to me completely wrong.  Of course, you know this story is about to take a turn only possible at the Shitshow. 

Turns out the program the Queen was working as a lead engineer was coming up to a major milestone in a couple of weeks where almost all of her deliverables from the past year were due.  Turns out the Queen didn’t even start any of the work she was supposed to be working on for the last year.  So guess who got to do all of her work?  That right, me! The worst part is, I had to go into her office to look for some files and I could still smell her stink after being gone for about 3 weeks. 

Because there is no escaping the stink and work Queen Perfume leaves behind, I throw rocks.

Shitshow Characters: The Golden Child

Today we add yet another character to the list of Shitshow Characters, the Golden Child. 

Golden Child – Someone the flunktional managers love despite running programs into the ground resulting in outrageous cost and schedule overruns.  The Golden Child excels at creating useless processes and wiki updates which is a highly valued leadership skill at the Shitshow. From project to project the Golden Child continues to get promoted my flunktional manager, without the Golden Child learning any real or even basic skills besides updating the wiki. 

Because fluncktional managers use alchemy when picking team leads, I throw rocks. 

Co-worker Slacker Dilemma

Today I came into work and once again saw my co-worker asleep at his desk.

This is a fairly regular occurrence, though most people don't know about it because of how he does it. First, he sits in a cubicle that is perfectly situated so that people walking by can see neither his face nor his monitor. (Now that's a great cube!) But even more impressive is his unique ability to fall asleep at his desk but appear as if he is still working. He basically sleeps in a sitting-upright position, slightly slouched so that his chin rests on his chest. He keeps his hand on the mouse and makes sure that the screen saver is turned off in case anybody walks up. I have to admit I am quite jealous of his ability to fall asleep so conspicuously.

But I must also admit that I have conflicted feelings about his sleeping at work and getting away with it. One the one hand, props to him for sticking it to the Shitshow and getting paid to do nothing. But on the other-hand, when one person slacks off on a team, someone else usually has to pick up the slack...and I have found out that that person is me! For months, I have been complaining about the number of miserable assignments that I've been getting. Well it turns out that this was no accident.

Recently, an opportunity came up for me to go work for another team. I was eager for the change, but Duckface (my Team Lead) flat out refused to give me up. Why? Because I was the most productive member on the team and he couldn't afford to give me up. As poor of a job as I thought I was doing, I'm apparently the hardest working engineer. I guess it's not that hard to outperform him the guy that sleeps at his desk.

Being labeled "most productive member on the team" is not a label you ever want to be stuck with for several reasons. First, it means you are probably working harder than you're getting pay for. Second, you are establishing a bad precedent that no matter how badly you are treated, you will continue to work hard. And third, you will make yourself "indispensable" to your team, meaning that if a good opportunity ever comes up for you, they will fight tooth and nail to prevent you from getting it. And that is exactly what happened to me.

So the issue remains: do I keep quiet about my sleeping co-worker, or do I rat him out so that I stop getting taken advantage of? This co-worker is an older engineer and has a family to support. To be honest, I couldn't care less. There is really only one thing I do care about: he has always been nice to me. If he was a jerk, I would rat him out in two seconds. But since he's always been nice and has never directly gotten in my way, I will let him continue to count sheep on the clock. Afterall, he's not the problem. Bad management is the problem. They should reward people who get things done and punish those who don't. But since things happen just the opposite around here, props to him for working the system.

Besides, if I ever do get out of there, I'll laugh thinking about how screwed they will be, relying solely on a guy who regularly falls asleep at his desk.

That is how I will my throw rocks.

Happy Halloween from Mr. Sunshine

Mr. Sunshine just sent me this picture!  Once again he captures the spirit on the Shitshow with his sad heart face.

Because the Shitshow sucks out all fun out of Halloween, I throw rocks.

Shitshow Characters: The Wing Nut

To continue out Shitshow Character series, this week we present the Wing Nut:

The Wing Nut – An engineer who knows everything about airplanes. He usually has a Masters degree in Aerospace Engineering, goes to every single air show in a 400-mi radius, and has a pilot's license. He stays up-to-date on aerospace news by reading all the relevant trade magazines and online blogs, mostly on company time. Because of this time-consuming obsession, he rarely gets his actually assignments done on time. Instead, he maintains his job security by forwarding anything he finds interesting (news, upcoming air shows, cool photos, etc.) to his manager, who then forwards these emails to the rest of the engineers, as if they were his own. The Wing Nut is to be envied because he doesn't work hard, has good job security, and most importantly, he actually loves his job.

Because the rest of us have to work harder to pick up the Wing Nut's slack, I throw rocks.