Charting the Course

Every now and then I get asked by someone how they can tell if a company is a Shitshow.  While there are many rules of thumb one can use to determine this the one I usually explain to them is that the level of Shitshowness is proportional to the square of the percentage of revenue received from the DoD. While there are plenty of Shitshows for companies that don’t receive DoD contracts, for the ones that do this works remarkably well.  

Take a look below.

Because a simple chart ala Demetri Martin can sum up an entire industry, I throw rocks.  

Showcase Building

Unlike companies that show forward thinking when planning out a campus, the Shitshow’s campus is made up of a hodgepodge or random buildings.  With the exception to the newly built executive office suit, most of the buildings saw their prime during the 1950’s and have never been renovated after their primes. 

However, the Shitshow has recently decided that one of the buildings that often times has customers and executives visiting should be treated as a “showcase” building.   The first step was plastering over the dilapidated brick structure.  The second step was to replace the spotted and stained carpet with new industrial grey carpet.  The third step was to remove the cubical walls erected in the 1970’s with new cubical walls.  The fourth step was to remove the 1950’s steel furniture with Formica work surfaces with new plastic molded modular cubical furniture. 

For awhile this seemed to satisfy the requirements for a “showcase” building, but a couple months later some executive realized that they forgot to put in a lobby / lounge for distinguished guest to wait in while the rest of their party to arrived.   Long and behold the Shitshow added a lounge.  But of course the lounge addition was executed in pure Shitshow style.

To furnish the lounge the Shitshow took a couple discarded couches, tables, and chairs from storage and d them in the only open area near the front of the building.  Not a bad start until you realize the couches, chairs and tables all and face the copier/printer/fax machine that half the people in the building use.  That’s right, as these VIPs wait in the lounge they get to stare at the printer while flunkies galore walk through the waiting area to pick up print outs and try to fix jammed printers. 

Because the showcase building only showcases why we call it the Shitshow, I throw rocks.  

Fire Alarm Drill - III

So the other day the fire alarm went off again and everybody had to evacuate the building. Like the boy who cried wolf, nobody takes the fire alarm seriously anymore because it happens too often and it’s always a false alarm. This evacuation has to have been the slowest yet, as it probably took ten minutes to get the entire building cleared. Part of the problem was simply the timing of the fire alarm: it was close to the end of the day so many people began wrapping up what they were doing, saving all their work, filling out their time cards, and shutting down their computers. This can take a good amount of time, especially if you’re working on some big files.

Since everyone regards it as a false alarm, they take their time walking out too. The stairway was so crowded and slow moving that you could rest between each step. It makes you wonder if the panic of a real fire would speed things up or make them worse. In addition, the majority of this cattle herd forgot about the emergency exit doors and just headed out the long way past the main exit. Then we all stood in the parking lot and waited for the firemen to show up, inspect the building, and tell us everything’s okay..which it always is. Nobody knows whether the fire alarm going off was accidental or an intentional fire drill because the planned fire drills aren’t told to us in advance anyway, even though they should be.

But my all time favorite thing about the fire alarms is the blatant preference given to company procedure over the safety of our employees. As miserably slow as our evacuations already are, we have been directed to clean up our desks before evacuating “to not leave any proprietary information out where others can see it.” Can you believe it? There may be a raging fire ablaze on our roof, but we better keep our work hidden from those nosy firemen! Or maybe the Human Torch will come in looking for secrets?

Because the crap on my desk is more important than my life, I throw rocks.

Dear Jacko

Every now and then a current student from my alma mater reaches out to me hoping to make a connection and land a job at the Shitshow.  The other day I received an email from a misguided sole asking me about my experience at the Shitshow and the opportunities for an MBA.  

This is was my response:

There aren’t many opportunities for MBAs at the Shitshow.  The Shitshow is an engineering company and thus the value of an MBA is not really appreciated at most parts of the company.  If you need proof, use MBA as a keyword and search the Shitshow career website to see how many job postings have MBA as a requirement or even a desired skill.  If you’re lucky you’ll find 2 or 3 if you search all openings around the world.  On the flip side, go to any large corporation within the entertainment industry and do the same search, you’ll find pages and pages of opportunities. 

That said, if you are interested in interested in the Shitshow, the Shitshow does offer aan opportunity where an MBA is listed as a desired (not required) skill.  You can read about my experience with that program here.   

Feel free to contact me if you need any more information. 

Because I care about other people's career path and I don't want them to end up like me, I throw rocks.  

King Kong and his Dog

Every now and then I need to ask good old King Kong a work related question.  As you can imagine I try to avoid these situations, but every now and then it just needs to happen.  About a week ago one of these moments came up.   Of course I went down the line of communication forms that required the least amount of actual contact. 

First I tried sending him an email, no response after a day of waiting.   The next day I called his office, and left a message.  Still no response after a day so I tried calling his cell phone and it immediately went to voice mail.  I finally went walking around his office area to see if I could track him down. 

When over in the gorilla mist sanctuary, I asked the Zookeeper if he had seen King Kong, immediately the Zookeeper looked very concerned.  In a very somber voice he told me that Kong was out for the week.  I asked him if everything was alright.  The Zookeeper responded “Kong’s dog died the over the weekend.”

At first I felt sorry for Kong but then I thought about the situation.  A grown man, who throws chairs at people, punches holes in walls, belittles employees during meetings, and uses year end performance reviews to yell at his staff, needed to take an entire week off to mourn his dog.

Because even the little kid from Old Yeller didn’t need a week of mourning to get over his dog that got rabies after fighting off a pack of wild boar to save the kid’s life, I throw rocks.   

Business Development and the value of an MBA – II

As described in Business Development and the value of an MBA, the Shitshow places no value on an MBA.  

Case in point: 

In what had to be a momentary lack of good judgment, I recently signed up for executive sponsor, on your own time, MBA engagement program. 

I guess someone in HR finally realized that most people who have the Shitshow pay to get their MBA leave as soon as they can onto greener pastures.  The Shitshow’s solution was to create a program where minions who recently received their MBA or were in the process of earning it were invited to tackle various strategic problems within the Shitshow.  I signed up for the new business integration problem with 5 other minions. 

After a lot of work the team came up with a pretty solid plan that could actually position the Shitshow into a winning situation.  For a moment I was actually proud, but as usual the reality of the Shitshow quickly sunk in when I received an email from the star member of the team stating that he had just been laid off. 

Just to make sure you got the story straight.  The Shitshow paid for this guy to get his MBA (a $75,000 dollar investment). Then the Shitshow had him working on his own time on a plan to strategically position the Shitshow in a multi-million dollar market.  And then while putting the finishing touches on the plan, the Shitshow decided to lay him off.   I guess it should still be rewarding to this guy that the Shitshow decided to move forward with the recommendations made by the team. 

Because million dollar plans are met with pink slips, I throw rocks.  

Power Outage

Last week, there was a power outage at work. Everybody was working, when suddenly the power went off and everything we were working on got lost. Nobody knew how long the power outage would last, so we all just hung around and waited because in this modern age you really can’t do anything without your computer. People began to wonder if management might let everyone go home early. It seemed reasonable, considering it was already Friday afternoon and no one was certain when the power would come back on. Of course, most Shitshow veterans knew that would never happen, but it was fun to talk about nonetheless.

After about an hour of waiting, the power suddenly came back on. A universal sigh of disappointment swept the floor. All the little groups of people chit-chatting about the possibility of going home early were broken up. We all went back to doing what we were doing before the power went out, many of us still daydreaming of what we would have done had we gotten out early. Most of us had to completely start over what we were working on because the power outage had erased any progress we had made that morning before having a chance to save our work. Suffice to say, it sucks to lose your work before saving. But what sucks even more is losing your work and have someone kick you in the nuts, which is exactly what the Shitshow did.

Shortly after the power came back on, we started receiving emails from management about time charging. The first email came from our Flunktional manager stating that management is asking employees to make up the lost time, or take vacation for the lost hour of work (Riiiiight…)The second email came from Corporate Management and was a lot more reasonable - employees were directed to charge to the ‘Indirect Budget’ rather than making up the time or taking vacation. Finally, some sanity!!! (Wait…wait….) Then the third and final email came from our Functional Management again. It told us to “ignore the corporate email” and that employees are still expected to make up the lost time or take vacation because “Indirect Budget is low this year”.

As if asking us to take vacation for a power outage isn’t ridiculous enough, claiming that this year’s ‘Indirect Budget’ is low is just insulting. First of all, it’s January. How could this year’s Indirect Budget already be low? Second of all, everyone knows that the only reason the ‘Indirect Budget’ would be low is because management made cuts to it so that they can get a bigger bonus for keeping costs down (see Bonuses for Sabotage) And they did this AFTER Corporate Management told us we could charge to the ‘Indirect Budget’!

Because my own personal management is greedier than the corporate fat cats, I throw rocks.

Wiki, wiki, wiki - III

Today I was heading out to lunch with a fellow rock thrower when a college new hire frantically flagged us down.  From the panic on his face I thought that maybe a flunktional manager had assigned him with a task that was way over his head, via the Warm Body Syndrome, and he knew he was in need of help.  We dashed over to his cube to see what the issue was; I kid you not, he wanted to know how to make text bold on the Wiki. 

Because the most pressing concern of a college new hire is how to update the wiki as opposed to trying to understand the complex systems the Shitshow flails about helplessly when trying to design and build, I throw rocks.  

Diversity In Action

One of the Shitshow’s HR mantras is that diversity breeds strength.  To reinforce this idea, diversity posters are displayed throughout the campus.  To help celebrate and encourage diversity the Shitshow has set up various clubs for various races, creeds and sexual orientation.  And to show everyone that the Shitshow is serious about diversity each of these clubs have an executive sponsor.  Externally, the Shitshow goes out of it’s way to show diversity on it’s career websites and   list that it’s an equal opportunity employer in everyone of it’s job postings. 

I for one agree with the idea of diversity breeding strength and I like the idea of having various clubs to celebrate and educate all of us on the various cultures, creeds and sexual orientations.  Even if part of it is just a PR move on the Shitshow, these types of actions can only help bring a better understanding and respect towards others. 

With the Shitshow taking diversity so seriously, I do have one question.  Why do I, and all other Shitshow employees, have to work on Martin Luther King Jr. Day?  After all, Dr. King was one of the most, if not the most, influential figures in the civil rights movement helping right the wrong of hundreds and hundreds of years.    

Because the Shitshow doesn’t let Martin Luther King Jr. get in its way of diversity, I throw rocks.

King Kong and the Wall

Not too long ago, King Kong went into yet another fit of primordial rage during a meeting.   As usual, his face got all red and he started releasing spittle when yelling/talking.   I started looking around to see if there were any empty chairs near him, since there wasn’t I figured I just watch this rage unfold.  However, something was different this time.  Instead of pounding his chest for the rest of the meeting he just got up and left!

You might be thinking that maybe all those formal HR complaints about him have finally paid off, or maybe he took some anger management program that advised him to remove him from the situation that was triggering his primordial rage.  Of course, you’d be wrong.  Instead he went to his office and punched a hole in the wall!  That’s right; he punched a hole in the wall. 

Because King Kong still runs wild, I throw rocks.   

Bonuses for Sabotage

One of the things that really irks me is the short sightedness of the Shitshow fat cats (Program managers, company executives, vice presidents, etc.) It’s bad enough that these fat cats get paid more than those of us actually creating the product. But they also get paid hefty bonuses for making short sighted changes that are inversely related to the long term well being of the company.

One of the favorite methods that a fat cat uses to increase his bonus is cost-cutting. On the surface, cost-cutting sounds great. Reducing costs makes us more competitive and there are always bureaucratic inefficiencies that can be eliminated. The problem is, these bureaucratic inefficiencies are never the ones targeted by the cost cutting. Instead, the cost-cutting targets are usually long term investments to our human capital, such as training, employee benefits, and employee retention measures. Let’s look at some of the cost cutting measures that have been implemented at the Shitshow over the years.
- Eliminating technical training
- Introducing unpaid mandatory training
- Cutting the education reimbursement policy
- Cutting paid overtime policy
- Introducing a new payroll system that limits raises
- Layoffs of engineers, but no layoffs of redundant managers
- Eliminating paid sick days

As you can see, these are all cost-cutting measures that not only hurt the employees, but also hurt the company in the long run for not investing in its employees. How are we supposed to retain a talented workforce when we slowly take away the few benefits of working here? How do you cultivate employees when you 1) don’t provide any training for them to improve their skillsets, 2) don’t pay them for each hour worked, 3) forbid the highest performers from being compensated appropriately, and 4) encourage sick employees to come in and infect everyone else.

But that’s the problem with bonuses, they reward fat cats for their short term cost cutting efforts at the expense of long term program benefits. I guess that’s just how it is when you work for a public company that only cares about the quarterly stock price, especially when the fat cats will have moved on to greener pastures when cost cutting measures come back to bite us in the rear.

Because I can see the future and it looks bleak, I throw rocks.

Mr. Sunshine Logos - Series 2

For all of you Mr. Sunshine art fans out there, he just sent me an alternate version of his logos.  I for one find these hilarious, and I hope you enjoy them as well.

As with the previous logos and all of the Throwing Mud comics, I encourage you to print out any of these images that strike you and post them around the office (your cube, bathroom, break rooms, and so on).  

Have Spots vs. Have-Nots

It’s a well known fact that Shitshow corporate fat cats make far more money than the rest of us. Not only do they have higher salaries, but they get perks such as quarterly bonuses and stock options that would make Dick Cheney blush. While the financial disparities can be outraging, at least we can try not to think about it in our daily lives. Unfortunately, there are other inequalities separating the 'haves' from the 'have-nots' that simply cannot be ignored. This is because we have to see them on a daily basis.

Take the parking situation, for example. Our parking lot probably has 1000 spaces. As you can imagine, if you park at the back of the parking lot, it takes you about 5 minutes just to get to the front door of the building. Now this wouldn’t be so bad if you didn’t have to walk by the 50+ parking spots designated for “Executive Visitors” right in front of the front door. What’s worse is that these executive spots are mostly empty because the executives work at another site. So not only do they get their own personal parking spot in front of their office window, they get the pick of the litter parking spots at our site, for when they might visit once a month.

Because I have to park in the back of the lot when there are nothing but empty spots up front, I throw rocks.

Use Your Legs!

Following up the Walk This Way memo, the Shitshow has sent out yet another mind blowing memo on how to correctly push, pull and believe it or not on how to stand up. 

Here is the advice the Shitshow feels necessary to provide:

1. When pushing or pulling be sure to stand correctly
2. It is better to push than pull
3. Keep your feet spread apart, with one foot in front of the other
4. Let your legs do the work
5. If your hands are full and you need to use your shoulder to push open a door, turn your shoulder to the door instead of walking straight into the door.

These principals can be used when pushing a lawn mower or when pulling your boat ashore.  Additionally when trying to stand up from a seated position:

1. Place your feet correctly,  with your feet apart, one back and one forward
2. Push off on the rear foot using the front foot to prevent you from falling forward

By keeping these tips in mind before pushing, pulling, or standing up can help keep your new year off to a healthy start.

Because the safety advice the Shitshow gives me is stuff my toddler figured out all on her own when learning to walk, I throw rocks.

Fixing the Parking Situation - II

As you may recall, a few months back they closed one of the parking lot entrance gates to prevent non-employee cars from passing through, as well as to prevent break-ins (See blog post titled Fixing the Parking Situation for full story). As a result of the closure, everyone was forced to enter/exit through the same gate. In some cases, this forced detour added up to 5min to a person’s commute.

Apparently enough employees complained about the inconvenience that the Shitshow decided to “fix” the situation over the break. Now they could have simply opened up the closed gate, but then non-employees would once again use the parking lot as their shortcut. Honestly, I never thought that cars cutting through the back of the parking lot to be all that big of a problem. Nobody parked there anyway. I think it was just a matter of principle, where some Shitshow bigwig probably said “Hey, that’s our parking lot that we paid for, not some city street to be used by the public.”

So they came up with a third alternative: they would open up the closed gate, but redesign the parking lot in a way that will inconvenience cars from simply passing through. So they brought in a construction crew, put up some barricades, and repainted some lines, creating something that resembles a maze more than it does a parking lot. The new parking lot is designed in such a way that, in order to get from one gate to the other, you have to detour through the middle of the parking lot. Now think about that for a second: they essentially put a car lane in the middle of a parking lot. So to pass though the parking lot, you have to cut through about 10 aisles of parking spots, essentially making 10 intersections within the middle of a parking lot! Not only are there 10 intersections without any stop signs, but in approaching each intersection, your view is greatly obstructed by all the parked cars around you.

Now, you might say “ It’s only a matter of time before the first accident.” Well, you’d be wrong - because it’s already happened. Yup, we’ve already had an accident - on the very first day back from the break! I look forward to seeing more. I just hope nobody gets run over or killed in the meantime.

Once again, because the Shitshow solution to a minor problem causes a much larger problem, I throw rocks.

Dine and Dash

It’s not bad enough I have to put up with flunkies, Bob figures and independent reviewers, every now and then I run into them after work.

The other night I was out to eating dinner at a local favorite spot.  When I was getting ready to leave I saw two independent auditors (husband and wife), whom I work with on almost a daily basis, sit down across the restaurant.  The unfortunate part was that they were sitting right on the most logical exit path out of the restaurant.  I had to think fast, the last thing I wanted was to have to say hi to them after finishing my French toast (yes I eat French toast for dinner).  So I did the only thing I could, I made a straight run to the counter/bar and took that path out using the a big potted plant as a partial shield.  I kept my head down and walked fast (probably making me more noticeable), but the goal of not accidentally making eye contact with them while walking pass their table was met. 

The person eating with me just looked at me like I was John Nash when I tried to explain the situation. 

Because I have to strategically plan my exits at restaurants, I throw rocks!

Shitshow Characters: The Flosser

As mentioned before, there are so many weirdo engineers that I have begun to categorize them. The last example was of course, the Nail Clipper, who finds it appropriate to regularly clip his fingernails at work. This week, we introduce his cousin: The Flosser.

As you may have guessed, The Flosser also refuses to do his personal hygiene at home. Sure, it might be a little gross if he were to do it in the men's restroom, leaving little pieces of dislodged food stuck to the mirror. But that would only be slightly gross. Instead, this idiot actually flosses at his desk, in full view of everyone. Sometimes, he'll even start doing it when you are talking to him. One by one, he flosses each gap between his teeth, occasionally pulling out a large enough chunk of food that it needs to be pulled off the floss, rolled up into a ball, and tossed onto the carpet. And since he does not find anything gross about doing this, he sees no need to wash his hands afterwards either. He just goes back to his computer and starts typing away with his dirty, smelly fingers.

Because I am forced to touch the same door handles as this guy, I throw rocks.

20 Years of Living the Dream

One would think that 20 years of loyalty to the Shitshow would at least come with some benefits such as being able to choose the most exciting assignments and choice office selections, well you’d be wrong. 

One of my favorite “senior” engineers at the Shitshow seems to get no respect when it comes to job assignments and office space.  When I first started working at the Shitshow I was lucky enough to work with him, unfortunately on the small team was the one and only original Bob.  Work assignments after that had him working on a project that required him to work on Christmas for the last couple of year while working with a revolving door of new hire college flunkies.   

What just blows my mind is the office space he is given.  One of his previous offices, which was converted from a broom closet, was located right across from the bathroom. To top that off he had to share this “pristine” office space with some flunky.  Today he’s stuffed away in a miniature cubical farm surrounded by new hires.  In fact one of his neighbors is as crazy as they come - randomly laughing for no reason and talking to himself on a regular basis. 

Because even after 20 years of loyalty, the Shitshow treatment still lives up to its name, I throw rocks. 

Money for nothin'

(Our first post of 2011 was submitted by our guest contributor - Nightmare)

The Shitshow looks like a ghost town on the day after Christmas. But if I have to be stuck at work, I must say that the week between xmas and new years has got to be my favorite work week of the year. All the bosses are on vacation, and the few leads who got stuck minding us are hiding in their cubes dicking around on Facebook. Everyone's just sitting back and watching the clock for the magical time when it will be safe to sneak out early.

It's a great time to load up on free office supplies for home, since nobody's minding the supply closet. Need to run 500 color copies of your local club's show program? No problem. And the normally overfilled parking lots are virtually empty. I get my pick of primo parking spaces. This morning was the first in a long time that I didn't have to make a 14-point turn to squeeze my wee little car in next to some asshole who parked their Escalade in the compact car row.

It's a great time to come in late, dust my cubicle, purge files, work on my personal website, text friends and dress like a slob. Hey, there's nobody here to give me shit about wearing my sneakers, so why not? There's still plates of leftover holiday cookies and stuff on top of every file cabinet, so I don't even have to buy lunch.

Because I get paid to do absolutely nothing, I throw rocks.