Shitshow Characters: The Wing Nut

To continue out Shitshow Character series, this week we present the Wing Nut:

The Wing Nut – An engineer who knows everything about airplanes. He usually has a Masters degree in Aerospace Engineering, goes to every single air show in a 400-mi radius, and has a pilot's license. He stays up-to-date on aerospace news by reading all the relevant trade magazines and online blogs, mostly on company time. Because of this time-consuming obsession, he rarely gets his actually assignments done on time. Instead, he maintains his job security by forwarding anything he finds interesting (news, upcoming air shows, cool photos, etc.) to his manager, who then forwards these emails to the rest of the engineers, as if they were his own. The Wing Nut is to be envied because he doesn't work hard, has good job security, and most importantly, he actually loves his job.

Because the rest of us have to work harder to pick up the Wing Nut's slack, I throw rocks.

Pumpkin Kong

In the spirit of Halloween and in tribute to none other than my favorite flunktional manager, King Kong, I give you pumpkin kong!

 

Breaking Out

One of the best feelings in the world is one I find out someone at the Shitshow as finally broken out, especially when this person had a promising career if he just stayed put.   Today was a great day….

Early this morning I was talking to one my friends and he said that he was able to find a job up north, requiring him to move.   I was pretty excited, and was even more excited when he mentioned that he’d be leaving the Shitshow industry all together.  I asked what he’d be doing.  At first he was a little reluctant at first but finally told me that we has basically going to become an intern for a technical lawyer.  An intern!  This might be the best “greener pasture” story ever. 

Because becoming the low man on the totem pole is better than wasting your life at the Shitshow, I throw rocks. 

Calling In Sick

When you’re actually sick, the last thing you want to deal with is the Shitshow, but of course you have to call in sick.  Sit back and enjoy this story submitted by a loyal rock thrower reader who has the joy of working in a portion of the Shitshow that has actual shifts.

Every now and then I actually do get sick; according to Shitshow policy I’m supposed to personally tell one of my managers at the beginning of the shift, we’ve been told multiple times leaving a message is not acceptable.  Of course since I work at the Shitshow this becomes a task within itself.

I called first thing this morning and of course my flunktional manager was not in his office so I left a message with the office administrator.   I then called my project manager; of course he was not in the office so I left a message with the projects office administrator.  About 15 minutes later, I called my flunktional manager again and of course still no answer.  Again my call was routed to the office administrator and when she answered she said “why are you calling again, I already got your message.”  I replied that per Shitshow policy I’m supposed to actually talk to my manager and not just leave a message, she said she’d relay the message for me. 

Because when I go to work tomorrow I’m sure to have a memo explaining the calling in sick policy, I throw rocks.  

The (Revolving) Door Code

So the Shitshow has done it again. Every several months or so, the company changes the door combination  to the main access area. This is always fun because of the super cautious way the Shitshow goes about this process.

First of all, it's always a surprise. The Shitshow has policy not to share the door combinations via email for "security reasons." While this sounds secure, I'm pretty sure any burglar could guess the code if they had enough time. But rather than sending out a mass email, they rely on word of mouth. To be specific, managers are forbidden to email the password to their employees and must instead tell them in person. So rather than relying on the most common method of communication that managers use ---email, they rely on using the least common form of communication that managers use ---talking to their underlings.

You can probably guess what happens next. The next day, you come into work and the combination doesn't work. You try it again - it doesn't work. Then you look up and see a sign on the door "Combination has been changed. Please see you manager for the new combination." The problem is that the manager is behind that door. So how can you ask him? You can try calling him (assuming you have his number programmed into your phone), but being that he is a manager, he's likely to be in a meeting anyway.

So you wait there, maybe knock a few times, but the door never opens. You continue to wait there until someone finally comes along that either knows the code or is simply exiting. That's when you grab the door before it closes and pass through. But if you can tailgate behind someone else who has opened the door, then what's the purpose of having a door code in the first place, much less being so cautious when changing it?

Because the secret door code is more secure than my job, I throw rocks.

Lunchtime Hiding

The other day I say an intern eating her lunch in her car.  At first I didn’t think anything of it, but the more I thought about it, the more puzzled I became.  After all, this intern was not socially awkward, she didn’t smell, and she wasn’t a complete idiot. 

After lunch I walked by her desk to ask if she had a good lunch.  She said yes.  I then asked her did she eat it in her car.  After thinking about it for a second she again said yes.  I asked her why, and she responded with:

“First of all, I don’t get paid enough to be able to afford to buy lunch from the cafeteria or to afford going out to one of the local eateries, so I bring my lunch.  Once I took my lunch to the cafeteria but I just got depressed looking at all those lifers basically walking around like zombies.  Then I tried eating my lunch in my office a couple of times but Queen Perfume stopped by both times asking me how something worked.  So now I eat lunch in my car where no one can bug me or where the Queen leaves my cube smelling while I try to eat.”

I’m not sure what’s more disgusting, the fact the intern has to resort to eating lunch in her car, having to smell the Queen while trying to hold down food, or the fact the Queen (a veteran at the Shitshow) is asking a college intern for technical support.

Because eating lunch alone in your car is better then eating it at the Shitshow, I throw rocks. 

Shitshow Characters – The Candyman

To continue our character series, this week we introduce The Candyman:

  The Candyman – An engineer who has solidified his job security by simply having a bottomless bowl of chocolates at his desk for everyone to sample. He replenishes it daily, and people come by his desk from all corners of the building just for the free snack. His job is secure in that every manager knows that if they fired him, they would lose the free supply of chocolate.

Shitshow Characters – The Traitor

To continue our character series, this week we introduce The Traitor:

  The Traitor - An engineer who is just as mistreated and unhappy as everyone else at work, but will never speak up to correct the situation. He pretends that he is happy with his work situation only because he is afraid of getting fired. Even in anonymous surveys, he answers that he is very happy and that there is no need for any improvement. Only if someone else rocks the boat, will he will eventually chime in, but only when it is clear that it is safe to do so. There are often many traitors within an organization.

 For example, let's say the engineers all have horrible chairs that give them back pain. Then one day, management sends out a anonymous survey asking if engineers are happy with their chairs. On this anonymous survey, the Traitorswill vote "Yes, I am very happy with my chair." At the next all-hands meeting, the results of the survey are presented, surprisingly showing that most of the engineers are happy with their chairs. The one engineer who voted that he is "unhappy" with his chair speaks up and explains that he constantly gets back pain. Suddenly, a few other engineers speak up and confirm this. Despite voting that he is "very happy" with his chair, the Traitor will eventually speak up and say that they also get back pain from the chair, but only when several other engineers have spoken up first.

 Because this person is nothing but a traitor who simply goes along with the crowd, I throw rocks at him.

Burning Budget

An important topic that is regularly covered during Ethics Training is "Incorrect Labor Charging". They really emphasize this subject not only because of the consequences, such as fines from the government, but also because it is so tempting for managers to do so.

Management inherently wants to burn budget. It's in their nature. They want employees to charge as many hours as possible to their projects because 1) the company gets more money the higher the costs are (See Cost-Plus) and 2) the more the manager spends, the more he can justify needing a larger budget next year to preserve his micro-empire. But thanks to Ethics Training, managers know that they would be in hot water if they were to ever tell anyone to charge hours inappropriately. So instead they rely on other methods to burn up their budgets.

Almost two weeks after taking the Ethics Training, our Team Manager (Duckface's boss) comes over to yell at me for not charging enough hours to his budget and wanted to know why. I told him I was asked to work on a special assignment for another team and have been using their charge number. The special project was a much better use of my talents compared to the brainless busywork I had been working on, so I was eager to accept.

 He got angry and said "Well our work is just as important! I can't afford to have you working for another team when there's way too much work to be done over here,"

 "Well actually," I told him, "This special assignment hasn't impacted anything. I'm actually ahead of schedule on all of my current assignments because I've learned to manage my time more efficiently"

 "Well, we'll see about that," he said and walked away.

Over the next week, he complained to every manager he could find about how I'm falling behind on my work because of "this special project thing." Two weeks later, I was pulled off the special project to be once again working full-time on brainless assignments that, before,  I was doing in half the time.

So now I have two options: I can finish my assignments early, just to sit there and wait for Duckface to approve them, which he won't until the day they are due. Or I can work slowly, use up all the budget assigned to me, and give it to Duckface for review when he is expecting it. It doesn't matter. Either way, I only have one charge number to charge to and  burn up their budget, and that's all they care about.

Because burning budget is a priority over getting work done,  I throw rocks.

Living the Dream

Mr. Sunshine just sent me his latest tribute to the Shitshow!  At 4ft x 4ft it's his biggest piece yet.  It works on so many levels. I love the sad heart face and the repeated mantra of "living the dream."    Apparently this will be in a major art show at the end of this month.

Because this picture sums up how you feel after working more than one day at the Shitshow, I throw rocks.

1-800-Help-Me

The other night I met a psychiatrist at a friend's get together.  We started talking, and as most first time casual conversations, the topic of where we work came up.  When I told him I worked for the Shitshow, he noticed a concerned look on my face and started asking me questions.

Once he determined that I was stable and non-suicidal, I asked what all of those questions were about.  After a little hesitation he said, “well most of my patients are referrals from the personal 1-800 help line the Shitshow provides to its employees.” I told him I wasn’t surprised and I started telling him tales from the Shitshow. He was the first person I’ve told stories to who wasn’t surprised and didn’t accuse me of making up stories. 

Because psychiatrists make their entire living off the way people are abused at the Shitshow, I throw rocks.  

The Power of Lucite!

When the Shitshow gives out awards, be it at the flunktional level or corporate level, there’s one sure thing you can bet on, the award will be made of Lucite.  Why you may ask? 

Of course, the answer to the question is because it looks futuristic!  For those of you who don’t know what Lucite is, it is nothing more than Pyrex - a type of plastic.   It was invented in 1928 and first sold in 1933, talk about futuristic!    It’s the same material stripper shoes are made out of (or some I’m told), talk about classy!

Even a disgrunteled rock thrower like myself has accumulated my share of Lucite paper weights.  Who knows, maybe I should start throwing Lucite instead of rocks. 

Because every single award from the Shitshow comes with what looks like it’s a piece of Superman’s Fortress of Solitude, I throw rocks.