Productivity

So I finally got to work on a project that came in under budget and on schedule. Turns out I just needed to take a day off from work and install windows at my home.

Because I’m more productive by taking a day off from work than by trying to follow processes and jump throw functional manager hoops at work, I throw rocks.

Relocation Expenses

So on the glorious day when I got hired by the circus, I was informed that they would be paying for all of my relocation expenses. This included movers, per diem meal money, mileage, etc. At first I was very excited about the seemingly hospitable treatment but the true colors of the shitshow were soon to emerge. After I moved to my new city for my new shitshow job, I took all of my receipts and expenses (on the first day of the job) to the appropriate people at the shitshow to approve my expenses and pay off the balance on my corporate credit card. Six months later, I received a statement in the mail saying the balance was never paid and I had monthly late penalties and interest. So the NEW bill was the original balance of my expense reports PLUS the interest and late fees. This is where things get interesting. The original amount expensed was now not enough to cover the new bill. So I go to the appropriate people to file another expense report and, strangely enough, I noticed this seems to be a common occurrence. So another 4-5 months go by and the payment goes through to my corporate credit card but there is still an outstanding balance of the late fees and interest. So I file another report and 5 months later, it actually gets paid while more interest and late fees accrue. This process keeps going on for about 2 years before I finally get a balance of $0. Because of annoying experiences like these, I throw rocks.

HR Twilight Zone

I recently applied to an internal job posting. Despite the job being internal to the company, it actually looked like a good opportunity. Reading the requirements for the number of years of experience, type of experience, and education I was more than qualified for the position. One little problem, the grade leveling was too high for me to apply to given my current grade leveling (grade leveling is a way of categorizing jobs based on the number of years of experience and education level).

I contacted the job coordinator and explained the situation, making it clear that my education and work experience exceeded the requirements for the job posting and that I was currently under leveled. The coordinator sent regrets saying there wasn’t anything that could be done and suggested I try to get my leveling corrected with functional management. The coordinator did add that if I were properly leveled I would have a great shot at the job given my background.

I then emailed my functional managers. Failing to read my entire email that detailed my exchange with the job coordinator, functional management’s suggestion was for me to contact the job coordinator explaining the situation to see if there was anything that could be done.

In summary, if I didn’t already work here I’d be a great fit for a job here. It's because I've entered the HR Twilight Zone, I throw rocks.

Proud Share Holder

One of the few good things about my current job is that the benefits are pretty good, which kind of makes up for being underpaid. However, all good things come to an end; the company recently decided that all 401K matching would be done with company stock.

I am now a proud shareholder of the company I work for! The upside to this is that I get to cast my votes at the annual shareholder meeting. It’s not often I get to throw rocks so high up, but this gives me the chance.

In true rock throwing fashion I voted against all board members, I voted against all measures the board supported, and I voted for all measures the board was against.

Because I am a forced share holder, I throw rocks.

All Hands Meeting Surveys

Corporate America very much values the team spirit developed in what is known as the Department, or "All Hands", Meeting. To me this is all bullshit. There is no spirit of teamwork at these faceless corporations, but the All Hands Meeting does provide 1 hour of nonstop comic relief. My many years at the shitshow have given me great appreciation for the propaganda, or kool-aid as I like to call it, being dished out to the employees by the collective group of Neanderthals we call management. At an All Hands Meeting, you may hear phrases such as "Be an Agent of Change", "Feel Empowered to Find a Way", "Ethical Business is of the Utmost Importance", "Our Livelihood is Customer Satisfaction"......I mean the list goes on and on with this rambling nonsense. If anyone can figure out what all this generic bullshit means, please enlighten me. I would love to know how a low level engineer in the trenches could even be unethical? It's not like I can give kickbacks to Congressmen to do better analysis. What a total joke. So anyways, after the Standup Comedy Hour, aka All Hands Meeting, an email survey is sent out asking employees to provide feedback........now this is my time to shine! Just as management spews nonsensical phrases at the meeting that make me want to puke in the toilet, I surely fill the survey with phrases that will make them want to do the same. This is one small way that I throw rocks.

First Day on the Job

After I graduated from college, I was bright eyed and optimistic about a new career in the engineering field. Not too long after graduation day, I received a job offer from a large corporation where I thought I would be putting my newly learned engineering skills to use. Boy how I was wrong. My first day on the job consisted of me sitting in a 'new hire' orientation until noon and then the second half of the day, I reported to my office where I would finally meet new boss. Well, prior to meeting my new boss I had to go to get my badge with my picture ID and name on it but there was one small problem......it said I was not a US citizen due to a clerical error (even though I am). This meant that I had to be escorted around all day with another employee and never left alone....annoying to say the least. But wait! It only gets better! After I got my incorrect non US citizen badge, I went to the lobby of the building in which I work to meet my new boss.......but he isnt there......so the guy at the front desk of the lobby calls and pages him for 3 hours and he never responds. Finally, at 4 oclock, after me sitting there for 3.5 hours doing nothing, he comes down to the lobby to take me to my new cubicle. Low and behold, no computer or phone even at my desk. That was my first day at work........a complete 3 ring circus to say the least. On that day, I saw a glimpse of the shitstorm of what I would call a job gathering on the horizon. I charged 8 hours of overhead on my first day.... On that day, I threw a pebble.

The Legend of Bob

Bob was a first class act. He had been with the company for about 7 years before I met him. Bob was considered by his manager, King Kong, as an experienced engineer and a good guy to have on the team.

Bob would come into work around 11:30am every day. Our daily tag up meeting started at 11am, as not to interrupt the meeting Bob would log onto a computer out side of the meeting room to check out his MySpace page. Once the meeting was over, Bob would join me and another co-worker for our lunch break.

After our lunch break Bob would go up to his office to watch online soccer games. Before Bob took off for the day around 5:00 pm he’d try to complete at least one task. What most people would call one task; Bob had the ability to break up into about 5 tasks and when he did complete one if his task it was usually wrong and would require additional work to fix it.

During the last major layoff cycle, Bob was let go. He’s still a legend at work with new hires asking me and my friend if Bob was really as bad as people say he was. We just laugh. Once Bob got laid off he immediately got hired by another company in the same industry. I’m sure he’ll be able to Bob it up for years before he’ll have to move on again.

It is because of people like Bob that I throw rocks.

Computer To No Where

My pathetic existence consists of me sitting in a lab (actually a storage room with a few computers in it) with no windows in the basement of a 50 year old building in front of a computer all day. During the countless wasted hours of my life I spend here, I spend a lot time staring aimlessly at the shit stacked on the shelves in the room. The other day I noticed a 15 year old PC sitting on the shelf with no monitor, keyboard or mouse. In my moment of shear boredom and general spiteful attitude, I decided to plug the computer into the wall and turn it on (with no keyboard, mouse, or monitor) and it has been running 24 hours a day for about 9 months now. Since my company is such a complete and utter mess, I doubt that anyone will ever even know this computer is running and will probably run forever. On that glorious day in my musty, gloomy lab.......the computer to no where was born. This is one of the many ways in which I throw rocks.

David and Goliath

How did David take down Goliath? You got it. He threw a rock!

Introduction

Throwing-Rocks is dedicated to those who are so desperate, yet so underpowered, that the only option they have is to throw rocks.

The rocks that are being thrown are in the corporate world and are aimed at the red tape, inefficiencies, and stupidity that are present in the day-to-day jobs of the unsung heroes. If enough rocks are thrown perhaps management will change, incompetency will not be tolerated, and there will be no reason to throw rocks. If things do not change, at least attempts were made.

I am a rock thrower. These are my stories and the stories of fellow rock throwers.